Phase Two: Mourning

Home again... how frightening that he thought of this place as home. As he lay on his back, resting against the soft red cushions that lined the inside of his coffin, Vincent stared at the wooden lid that was only inches above his face and sighed wearily. But try as he might, he found that he simply could not shut off his mind to find rest, even though he had once slept in the same box of death for nearly thirty years. Why should now be any different than before? Nothing had changed... She was still dead. And without her, he wished to be dead, too.

Yet Vincent found himself oddly restless, as if he could not lay still, but tossing and turning was hardly possibly in his narrow wooden prison, a prison he had sentenced himself to yet again for all of eternity. Why did he feel so ill at ease, when this was what he had freely chosen for himself? The Planet had been saved, and Sephiroth was alive and well, still troubled but safely in the capable, loving hands of Aeris. He was not needed any longer... He had done the little he could to atone for his many sins, but still it had not been enough to undo the damage he had caused or lift the guilt and burden from his stained soul.

Vincent Valentine had died the day she had, leaving behind only an empty shell ripe with guilt and chaos, a foul creature who had fooled himself and those around him by ever thinking he might be able to find redemption. He was not even fit to walk among the living. And so he had come back here, his place of rest, intending to never again face the light of day and what the world had become for him without her in it.

Still he could not sleep despite his resolve to shut off his mind and forget, could not remove images of that outside world from his thoughts no matter how he tried. Was it really over? Shin-ra was still at large... and though he had thought Hojo dead, after the events of the day before he was no longer quite so certain. It was as if he could still feel his evil presence lurking about, as if he was simply laying low and preparing to strike again when it was least expected.

What would he do this time? Vincent mused darkly. Would he go after Sephiroth and Aeris again, for use in yet another of his insane experiments? What if captured them? What if he succeeded? Who would be there to protect his son and his new wife from the madness that had destroyed his own life and taken that of Lucrecia long before her time?

Nonsense, Vincent told himself firmly, still staring at the inside of the coffin's lid. Sephiroth certainly did not need him, for protection or anything else. He was an adult now, a man who had grown up largely alone, abused by those he came in contact with, manipulated and controlled against his will... All because Vincent had not been strong enough to stop it, to protect he and Lucrecia, to realize he was her child's father and step up to do something about it. Sephiroth certainly did not want or need him now. When he had needed him, all those years before when he was growing up so painfully alone, Vincent was nowhere to be found. He was no better than his own absent father, a man he had never met and grown up resenting, a man he had vowed that he would never become.

But when his own son had cried alone in the dark all those nights much as he had as a youth, wondering who he was and why his parents had left him, Vincent had been sleeping in a coffin and hiding from his sins.

Hiding?

Where had that thought come from? He was not hiding at all, he told himself with a deep frown, but instead punishing himself, making himself suffer for what he had done. Cowards hid, and Vincent had never been a coward. He had come back to this place because his purpose had been fulfilled, and there was simply no more a poor excuse for a man like himself could do. That was why he had left, not because he was hiding... Certainly not hiding from his feelings, from the things seeing he and Lucrecia's son as a grown man stirred within him, from the aching loneliness watching he and Aeris together caused him...

No! he scolded himself, desperate to believe such things were not true. He could have dealt with all of that if he really had to, he told himself. He had left only because it was the best thing for him and those around him... not because he wished to escape the world again, escape the painful memories and the sins of the past. Escape and forget...

Vincent sighed heavily, staring at the lid of the coffin intensely, as if the plain, dark wood might change form if he looked long and hard enough with his tired, burdened red eyes. What was he planning to do in there? he wondered for the first time since arriving and laying back down to rest. He could not sleep, could not shut off his mind for long enough to escape. Would he simply lay still inside the imprisoning box for the rest of his days, reflecting on the past and thinking up excuses as to why he ought to remain there? Wondering what was happening outside? How his son was doing, what his life might turn out to be... what his grandchildren would look like.

Try as he might to escape such thoughts, Vincent found that they remained despite his efforts, settled into a part of his mind he could never be rid of. Even though he had lost the only woman he had ever and would ever love, even though he felt dead inside... Vincent wanted to know what the future held. He cared what it held, he realized, for the first time in thirty years. Not for himself, but for Sephiroth and Aeris. But how could he know such a thing if he remained locked away inside a coffin? And what would Sephiroth think when he learned that his father did not intend to return to Avalanche, but had abandoned him one last time, leaving another deep scar on his already battered heart?

Vincent winced, the familiar current of guilt racing through him and rising in intensity. That question bothered him most of all, he admitted. How could he do such a thing to his son yet again? They had only just met, only just learned of their relationship... and now Vincent had run from it.

Yes, he admitted, briefly closing his eyes against the shame, he had run. Seeing Sephiroth and knowing that he was his own son, a son whose mother he had loved more than anything yet could not save, stirred feelings inside of him he did not wish to face. He was not strong enough to deal with them yet, to deal with the memories they evoked, and now that the distraction of saving the Planet had passed for the moment, it was too much for him to bear. Instead of trying to find the strength, he had used Avalanche's three day break to run away to the only place he had found any form of solace since Lucrecia's death and hidden himself away.

He could lock his body away, he realized, but the feelings and memories had been locked inside with him, tightly wrapped around him in the small, confining space. He was trapped with them now, and there was no escape. He was aware that he could simply reach out and push back the lid to the coffin, then go to wait for the Highwind to return at the edge of town as planned, but could not find the strength or the courage to do so. He was afraid... afraid to take that first step toward dealing with his feelings, toward raising his heart from the dead.

In that moment of weakness and indecision, Vincent saw Lucrecia's face flash before his mind's eye, so clearly that he had to blink to be sure she was not real. She frowned at him, expression filled with sorrow and disappointment, her beautiful green eyes filled with tears behind her glasses. Please... don't abandon our son... her soft voice whispered in his ear, causing tears to fill his own eyes and blur his vision as he struggled to focus on her face, to see her one last time whether she was real or simply a figment of his imagination.

Go and be with him... Go and live... her voice continued to urge him, as if speaking directly into his heart. Vincent swallowed hard, trying to find his own voice, wanting to tell her so many things, but found he could not make a sound, his emotions choking off the words before he could form them.

"Lucrecia?" he finally managed to whisper, his voice quiet and echoing inside his wooden prison, his heart crying out to her in need and despair. There was no reply, however, and he swallowed hard, his heart racing as he fought back the tears of sorrow and grief that burned his eyes. She was gone, once more beyond his reach.. And he was alone again, so alone...

There was silence then, a long, aching silence that left him cold and shaken, as if she had died all over again before his eyes. For just a moment, Vincent was certain that he really had heard Lucrecia's voice, that she had honored him with her presence from beyond the grave, reaching out to him when he needed her most... When their son needed him most. In that brief, precious moment, she had made her wishes very clear.

She did not want him to remain there, punishing himself and hiding from his feelings. She wanted him to leave this place for good, to move on with his life, to go and be with their son and watch over him. Although he knew it would be difficult, and was quite certain he could never truly live his life without her there at his side to give him strength, Vincent had never been able to say no to her, and he did not plan to start now.

Shakily, he reached up with his normal hand and shoved back the lid of the coffin until it fell over the edge and clattered noisily to the ground. He sat straight up in the coffin, legs still stretched out before him, and took a moment to wipe the remaining tears from his eyes. After a long look around the cold room, filled with the bodies and memories of so many dead, Vincent slowly climbed to his feet and stepped out of the coffin.

How long had he been in there? He could not recall as he turned and left the room, not allowing himself so much as a parting glance at his place of rest for fear his trembling resolve would crumble and send him again fleeing into the darkness and security it once provided his aching soul. But he would not let Lucrecia down, no matter what it cost him. For her, he would do this... and for their son.

It was the middle of the night, he realized after walking down the long corridor of the mansion's basement and silently climbing the winding stone stairs to reach the first floor. Moonlight shone in through the many windows, casting shadows all about and illuminating the many cobwebs strewn about the place, and the black sky was filled with countless twinkling stars. It was a beautiful night, the kind she had loved so much... As Vincent paused by one of the windows, the pane covered in many years worth of dirt and dust, a ghost of a smile crossed his lips as he peered outside. For just a moment, he felt as if she had given him this night, chosen it to come to him and give him the strength he needed to move on. Someone had to watch after their son and his wife, after all... And as he had promised her so many years before, if she could not be there to do so, he certainly would do the best he could in her place.

Still feeling shaken and a bit frightened about what the future would hold for him now that he had resolved to return to the others, Vincent stepped out of the creaking mansion and into the cool, quiet night, an odd peace descending upon him and increasing with each step he took farther away from the dark mansion looming behind him. Such a terrible place of so many memories... He paused, the urge to destroy it briefly filling his mind. But after a moment, he simply shook his head and went on his way, drowning out the angry, violent urges of Chaos stirring within him and heading to the edge of town to wait out the remainder of his time. No... despite the many bad memories the Shin-ra Mansion held for him, it also held many memories of her... and such memories were too precious to lose or destroy.

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Red XIII raced up the dirt road leading to Cosmo Canyon and into the town, a wide grin on his feline face and an excited spring in his step. He was home, home at last, and he had wonderful news to share with the elders. And best of all, he would get to see his Grandfather again, to share his many adventures with his only living relative, albeit an adopted one, before returning to Avalanche. Red began to head for the tall flight of stairs that would eventually lead to the very top of the town, the observatory he and Bugenhagen had long called home, still beaming and running toward his goal with excitement and joy.

"Nanaki!" a voice suddenly called from behind as he reached the base of the steps and began to climb, causing him to halt despite his excitement and turn to face the man who had addressed him. When he did so, he found one of the town elders there, looking up at him with somber eyes. Instantly, a feeling of dread gripped his stomach and turned it in knots, the man's expression sending alarm coursing through him when moments before there had been only elation. Something was very wrong, he knew immediately, his smile vanishing as he studied the elder's expression. Something was dreadfully wrong...

"What is it?" he asked, hating how quiet and frightened his voice sounded, so much like that of a child. "What is wrong?" he asked, still staring at the elder with his one remaining eye, his heart pounding in his ears as he remained perched on the stairs. What could have happened? They had saved the Planet, after all. Everything was supposed to be all right now...

"Nanaki..." the elder repeated, sighing heavily and briefly glancing down at his feet before lifting his head to look at him again. "I am glad you have returned safely, and the Planet seems to finally be at peace. But I regret that I have some bad news for you..."

"What is it?" Red asked again, growing more anxious as he watched the nervous way the elder wrung his hands before him, as if he had to say something he strongly wished he did not. "Did... did something happen while I was away?"

"Yes, I am afraid so..." the elder trailed off, visibly swallowing hard to strengthen his resolve. "Nanaki, I'm very sorry. Shortly after you last left home... Bugenhagen... your Grandfather... he..."

"No..." Red whispered, one eye widening, his heart freezing in his chest. Surely he could not mean... That was impossible! "No, he could not have-"

The elder nodded sadly, quietly interrupting his protest. "Yes... I'm so sorry, Nanaki, but it's true. Bugenhagen has passed away."

There was a heavy silence in the air as he spoke those words, as if death itself had come to deliver the news. Red could only stare at the elder in a stunned, horrified silence for long moments, before what he had said finally sunk in. It was true... his worst fear had come to life, at a time when he felt more joyful than he had in many years. Red threw his head back and howled, an agonizing sound filled with grief and sorrow, sending it echoing off the high stone walls of the canyon and through the town, a sound of mourning that repeated over and over again until it finally grew weak and faint and faded away, leaving behind only the smothering silence of death once more. A moment later, Red got control of himself and lowered his head to the ground, tears trickling from his remaining eye despite his efforts to act like an adult and hold back the intense emotions he was feelings.

"Grandfather... no..." he whispered, still unable to believe that the lively old man could really be gone. Bugenhagen was all he had, and without him, Red was entirely without family and alone in the world, the very last of his kind without even his adopted Grandfather to love and care for him.

"I'm so sorry..." the elder repeated again, shaking his head sadly, his own eyes a bit tearful. Bugenhagen had been an important, beloved member of the town for many decades, after all, and his passing had surely touched anyone who had ever known him.

"We would have told you sooner, but we didn't know how to get in contact with you."

Red said nothing, turning to gaze up the tall stairway, his eye settling on the observatory high above. That his Grandfather was not there awaiting his arrival, researching some complicated theory or other, was unthinkable. Red swallowed hard, tears still falling despite his attempts to stop them.

"It is all right, I understand," he said quietly, trying to stop his entire body from trembling. "I just... did not expect... He seemed fine last time we spoke. I cannot believe..."

"He was an old man, Nanaki," the elder comforted, taking a step forward and reaching out to comfortingly pat his head, much as Bugenhagen always had when he was upset about something. "He went peacefully in his sleep, and he did not suffer. It was simply his time to go, and I believe he knew and accepted that."

"That is good to know," Red whispered, though in truth it made him feel no better, and no less alone. Suddenly, the entire town felt empty to him, the air he breathed thick and heavy with grief and loneliness. He felt very alien in that moment, as if he no longer belonged there, the last of his connections ripped away.

"He left you something in an envelope," the elder said, interrupting his thoughts and following Red's eyes up the tall hills of the town and to the observatory. "I think it's a letter. We left it where we found it, in your room, for when you returned."

"Thank you," Red said quietly, nodding his head slightly. "I will go and see..."

"The memorial service will be the morning after tomorrow, now that you've returned," the elder informed him somberly. "Again, I am very sorry, Nanaki... I know what he meant to you. You have my condolences... And if you need anything, just let me know."

Red swallowed hard and nodded. Red was not sure he could face the empty house for long enough to retrieve the letter, much less think of enduring a memorial service. Unable to speak, the grief rising up within him, Red suddenly turned and raced up the stairs in great, stretching bounds, tears still flowing down his face and into his thick red fur. Behind him, he heard the elder sigh, but was thankful that the man did not try to follow, though he never could have kept up such a pace. He was grateful to him, but wanted to be alone now... He ought to get used to it, he told himself, fighting off another howl of agony. He was going to be alone for the rest of his life.

Red did not stop running until he reached the very top of Cosmo Canyon, pausing outside the observatory as much to catch his breath as to resolve his courage. After taking a deep breath and briefly biting down on his lip with his sharp fangs, Red lifted a paw and shoved the door open, stepping inside the place he had lived almost all of his life with Bugenhagen, but suddenly not feeling very much at home.

The silence was overwhelming as he entered the main room of the building, the quiet, lurking presence of death still hanging over the place as if it still haunted every room. The silence made his ears ring, and Red almost turned and fled the building, unable to stand being there and knowing his Grandfather would never float out of the back room, never laugh or smile or pat his head, never tell him about his parents or his heritage again... With his death, Red had lost his very last connection to his parents and his own people, and the feeling of loneliness it left upon his shoulders was crushing.

Red forced himself to move one paw in front of the other despite his grief, his legs feeling like lead, until he reached his bedroom. And there, just as the elder had told him, was an envelope atop the night table, his name written across it in his Grandfather's familiar handwriting. His legs shaking with emotion, he forced himself to cross the room, taking the envelope between his paws and carefully tearing it open with his teeth. Bugenhagen's scent was still on the envelope and the single piece of neatly folded paper inside, and Red had to blink back tears before spreading the note out and beginning to read.

Dearest Nanaki:

I am very sorry I will not get to say this to you in person, but I fear my time is near. I am an old man and have lived a full and exciting life, so do not grieve for me, my grandson. Instead, remember me and all the times we had together, and never forget the things I have taught you, especially with regards to your father. He was a great man and a true hero, which I'm sure you also are by the time you read this. I am very proud of you, Nanaki, and will always be looking over your shoulder as you live your life. You are young, and have already accomplished so much, but so long as Shin-ra exists, we both know the Planet can never be entirely safe. Please, Nanaki, do not let my passing break your spirit or weaken your resolve, but instead strengthen it and help to give you renewed purpose on your journey. Cosmo Canyon, and the entire Planet, are depending on you and your friends to stop Shin-ra for good. Someday, you will be the leader of this town, a great leader as your father was. I am very proud of you, and always will be, and I love you very much. Please know that you will never be truly alone, as I will always be with you in your memories and in your heart. And I know your friends on Avalanche care for you very much and are relying on you for your brilliance and strength in their mission. I am confident that you will be able to move on with your life even once my own has ended, and that you will do the right thing. I will never forget you, Nanaki, or all the joy you have brought to my life.

Love always,

Grandfather

There were tears streaming down Red's face again by the time he finished reading, but he blinked them away and neatly placed the letter back inside the envelop, knowing it was something he would carry with him and cherish for the rest of his days. As he reflected on the words, a small smile slowly crossed his feline features. It was as if his Grandfather had been right there with him as he read the letter, consoling him and giving him direction in his life even after death.

Bugenhagen was right, as always, Red realized, turning to leave the room with the envelop between his teeth. Shin-ra was still at large, and his town... and the entire Planet... were depending on he and Avalanche to stop them if anyone was to ever be truly safe. As much as losing Bugenhagen hurt him, and as alone as he felt, Red knew with certainty that he had to move on... had to return to Avalanche after the memorial despite his grief. It was what his Grandfather had wanted and expected of him, and what he knew in his heart was the right thing to do. Now was not the time to step down and give up, but instead only the beginning of an even larger, longer battle he knew he was destined to be a part of.

I won't let you down, Grandfather. No matter what, I will stop Shin-ra... and I will make you and my parents proud of me.

Blinking back the rest of his tears, Red turned and bounded out of the observatory, letter still held firmly between his teeth, feeling a bit more prepared to deal with Bugenhagen's passing with his Grandfather's words of encouragement and love still echoing through his mind. He knew they always would, forever. He knew he had friends within Avalanche he could not let down, and also knew with certainly that his Grandfather was watching him from above, smiling proudly and preparing to watch over him throughout his journey and the rest of his existence.