Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, Criminal Minds is not owned by me!
A/N:Thank you to everyone who favourite, alerted and left a review – you all rule =) Now this is going to be a heartbreaker, but it'll be well worth it (or so I hope!). I hope you enjoy what's to come of this!
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As the days passed, Penelope's fears were going into overdrive, but her ability to confine them to the back of her mind was getting increasingly perfected. She knew if she could keep a lid on this, she would get through this blip in life fairly easily. She was a fighter after all. Being on this team made you into one whether you liked it or not.
But, Penelope could feel her fears taking over that cognitive thought and dampening it.
Whatever happened, tomorrow she would start chemo regardless, and she hadn't asked anyone but Kevin to go with her and he had let her down marginally. Why should she ask anyone else? He was her boyfriend, he should be there regardless. She could have asked Derek, but having Kevin as a boyfriend made her believe that it should be him that stepped up and took her above anyone else.
Penelope knew she had to tell the team, Hotch especially, because she knew she needed them to know what was happening, but she couldn't stop feeling like this was added stress and worry that they didn't need.
Then Derek popped into her head, chastising her for not telling them and she knew that the mental image of Derek was right. They needed to know.
If there was one person she wanted on her side immediately, it was Emily. She knew from her she would get witty courage and understand that this was a fightable battle that she would beat – and knowing that if she didn't then Emily would give it a pretty good try.
Picking herself up off of her chair, Penelope went down to the bullpen and hesitated at the door. Seeing the bullpen still fairly empty, Emily was the only one on the team that was there, she inhaled deeply and went into the large room.
"Hey EP," Penelope said as she entered she tried to put on a smile. "Got a few minutes?"
"For you, PG, always," Emily said as she pushed her file away and looked up at her friend. "What's up?"
"Promise me you won't freak out?" Penelope asked simply as she slid onto her friend's desk. The last thing she wanted was for Emily to go ballistic at this news. After all she didn't think she would be able to cope with that sort of reaction.
"I'm freaking out now," She commented sarcastically as she tried to profile her friend quickly. For once, she couldn't work out what was wrong, but she knew it wasn't something good.
She couldn't hide the quick smirk at Emily's sarcasm; she needed a dose of that right now. Taking a deep breath, Penelope steadied herself quickly. "I start chemo tomorrow." Again the sentence came out harsh and blunt, but Penelope had no other ways to butter it up. She couldn't make herself make it sound positive. It was what it was - chemo.
"Chemo?" Emily repeated back at Penelope as she sat up straight. "As in chemo, chemo?" She asked her, "As in I've got cancer chemo?"
Penelope nodded and couldn't stop the tears from falling then. "That back ache I've been getting is a tumour, Em," Penelope managed to share with her friend and smiled bravely. "I haven't told anyone else yet, not apart from Morgan anyway. I just needed you by my side, my raven haired beauty." Penelope told Emily as she tried to add a bit of Penelope sass to the comment.
Emily reached up and took Penelope's hand, "Whatever you need, Pen, I'm here whatever."
"Thank you," Penelope whispered emotionally. She couldn't get the sadness that had formed on Emily's face out of her mind and she knew if two of them had shown it, then the chances were high that the other four of the team would pretty much match it.
Penelope wiped her face clean of tears, hoping she didn't look too much of a mess. She knew it wouldn't be long before everyone else flooded in and she had to somehow make it through telling the boss man about how her work schedule was going to be up in the air, if existent at all.
"I see you told her then," Derek commented as he saw the distraught look on Emily's face
Shooting round, Penelope looked at Derek as he stood just on the edge of the bullpen looking in on the pair. She tried to smile as she nodded
Derek stepped in and dropped a kiss to Penelope's forehead. "Morning, Baby Girl," He said as he then dropped his bag onto the table. "Want a drink you two?" He asked casually. It wasn't that he was used to the words – Penelope had cancer – it was more that he knew it was a part of life now and he had to accept that as fact and not an erasable dream.
"Yeah, please," Emily said toneless as she realised she couldn't comprehend the news as quickly as she wanted to.
"I'm going to talk to Hotch and then head back to work so I'll pass. I'll tell the others later. I-I," She paused as she watched JJ get off of the elevator with Reid through the glass doors of the bullpen, "I can't do it just yet."
"Whatever you need, Baby Girl. Me and Em will be here regardless," Derek commented and looked to Emily who quickly agreed with him on that stance. Looking back he gave her a reassuring wink and smiled, "Lunch is on me, Goddess. Just you and me."
He watched her smile back at him in acceptance of that lunch date.
"What about me?" Emily said with a playful pout.
Derek leaned down to her, "You're not my baby girl."
Penelope couldn't help but laugh as she left the two to have their play fight. She needed to face this demon or she would bottle it.
They stopped and watched her go off to Hotch's office and knew that this was the hardest thing for Penelope to ever do. Putting a burden on the team was never her intention, but for once she had to let them in on what was going to be happening.
After all that's what families did – shared burdens and halved them.
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Penelope couldn't stop herself from clock watching. The confines of her office weren't doing a thing for her and she just wanted to get out in the fresh air and have a slice of sanity that she knew Derek would offer her. He would take her attention and hold it and make her think of something other than the next day.
"Hey Penny," Kevin called from behind her. "I just came up to see how you're doing."
Penelope smiled at the sweet gesture, "I'm doing okay, Honey," She retorted covering up her true fear. "Kevi, can I ask you something?"
"Course, Plum Sauce," He chirped as he entered her office completely. "What's up?"
"Can you please just come with me?" Penelope asked her boyfriend again as she stood up to face him. "I don't think I can do it alone."
Kevin smiled at her and brushed her hair back out of her face, "Of course you can." He told her confidently, "You're Penelope Garcia, you can do anything."
I don't want to do it alone! Her mind screamed at her and she just had to face the facts that she could beg and plead and cry, but Kevin had made his mind up and that was how it was going to stay.
Penelope shook her head at that and looked at her boyfriend, her eyes bold and full with unshed tears. "I'm scared to do it alone," She finally admitted to him and felt her resolve weaken all the more.
"You'll be fine," Kevin said as he stepped in and took her hands in his. "I'll be there to pick you up when you're all done, but you can do this. Alone or with me." He watched as a tear fell down her cheek, "Hey no tears."
"I'm scared, why can't you see that?" She asked him emotionlessly and stared straight at him. "I really, honestly need you there, Kevin."
"I know, but I can't be there all the way. I will only be sitting there; you're the one that has to fight this. I won't be doing a lot," Kevin tried to sweeten this moment; he didn't want to argue with her. He also didn't want her know just how scared he was at the prospect of this turn in life. "I'm not going to not look after you, Penny, but I'm just saying that there isn't a lot I can do when I'm in the hospital."
Penelope sighed disappointedly as she realised that in Kevin's eyes this was a lone battle. Maybe he was right after all? No one could tag team her, or pull punches. This was her fight now. "I guess you're right," Penelope accepted defeat and let his hands go so she could turn off her computers.
"Don't be like that," Kevin started and stepped in to turn her around to face him, but was interrupted before he had a chance.
Derek knocked, intentionally to interrupt the pair, "Sorry to break the moment, but you ready to go, Pen?" He asked, he had already put lunch back twenty minutes as it were, but now he was starving and he knew that work waited on no man.
"Where are you going?" Kevin asked defensively as he saw Penelope smile at her best friend. The jealous feeling rose in him again as it always did.
"I'm going to lunch with Morgan," Penelope told her boyfriend as she looked to Derek and gave him a smile.
Kevin's face fell, "Right, and when was this arranged?" He asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"This morning," Penelope said and saw a moment to try and twist Kevin's arm enough to accompany her tomorrow. "Derek offered and right now I'm so consumed with tomorrow that I need a getaway."
"Like always," Kevin scoffed at her. "I'll see you later," Kevin said and stormed off out of the room.
Penelope looked to Derek feeling embarrassed by Kevin's attitude, "Can we go?" She asked as she felt desperate for an escape.
"Course, Baby Girl," Derek offered her a reassuring smile and put his hand out for her.
As ever, Penelope willingly took it.
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"Still hasn't manned up then I see," Derek commented as he watched the waitress walk off from their table after taking their order.
"Don't," Penelope warned as she reached for her drink trying in desperation to find some form of activity that would stop her shaking hands. "Seriously don't, Derek."
"Sorry," He quickly apologised, "I'll stop. You don't need me doing that to you. I know he'll look after you, but I just think he could do a better job."
"I just wanted him there," She shakily laughed as she ran her hand over her forehead. "Pathetically holding my hand."
"Nothing pathetic there, Baby Girl," Derek assured her quickly and swiftly.
"I'm scared about what's to come," Penelope fretted to her best friend, but how did she tell him that the man that should love her made her feel like the loneliest person alive? Maybe this was the make it break it of hers and Kevin's relationship. After everything that had already happened, this was the cataclysmic moment that told her whether they were destined to survive.
A part of her wanted to cut ties and run from Kevin, but she knew that that would be seen as drastic and maybe a little unwarranted. After all, she needed all of the support possible.
Derek reached over the table and took her hand, "You're gonna get through this, Baby. You're a fighter. I know you and I'll be here every step of the way, but you, Miss Penelope, are a fighter," He told her trying to be positive for her.
"Yeah well I don't feel much like one!" Penelope bellowed back and then sunk back into her chair trying to hide away. "Sorry. I'm really not coping well at the moment."
"P, you do not have to apologise for anything," Derek told her back gently and honestly. "You wanna cry then you do so. Wanna yell? I say do it, Baby."
"I shouldn't have to cry or yell! I shouldn't have to listen to you tell me what I am or how this is going to turn out because guess what, Derek? You don't get a say this time around! You can't always be Mr. Right!" The moment she had said it, Penelope regretted that sentence. He was being nice and she had let her fears go into overdrive and she was snapping at the one man that was trying to make this easier on her.
There was a couple of moments silent. Both were deep in thought, both were trying to make it look like they were just eating, but they weren't ignorant that the entire debacle about Penelope's new health status was driving a wedge between them slowly.
Why else had they started to argue? Or more like, why had Penelope now started to get short tempered with Derek when he was the one here for her?
"You know what?" Derek asked her quickly before answering his own question, "I'm coming with you – end of."
"Derek," Penelope tried to interject.
"No," Derek defied her as soon as she tried to stop him. "You shouldn't be just dropped off and picked up for something like this. Not when you're scared and vulnerable. You deserve to have someone there and if Lynch won't do that then I will. I wouldn't be a good best friend if I didn't do that for you."
"You don't have to," Penelope withdrew his responsibilities. "You didn't become my friends to do this."
"Pen," He said simply to make her look up at him, "I am your best friend, and any struggle that you come up against becomes mine regardless. You're stuck with me for life, and I wouldn't be holding true to my promise of looking after you for a lifetime if I didn't stick by your side at this turning point."
"I did Monday on my own," Penelope told him back, not wanting to get hopeful that this was real. "I got through everything that happened then alone. I can do this."
"We've all been to doctor's appointments by ourselves," Derek started and saw Penelope's expression. "It wasn't just a doctor's appointment was it?"
Looking at her hands, Penelope sighed and looked up at Derek, "It was, but then I had to go for an examination, MRI, and a biopsy," Penelope shrugged, "If I can do that alone surely I can do this?"
Derek's heart cramped at thinking of what Penelope had done on her own and he was sick of her thinking already that she had to do it that way. "You did that alone, but I won't let you do the rest of it alone. I don't care what you say, Baby Girl. I am not happy with you having to think you have to do it alone. That doesn't sit right me. I honestly don't give a fuck about if Lynch minds, or if Lynch gets hurt. At the moment you're getting hurting by his attitude and I won't allow it."
Finally, a sense of optimism fell on Penelope, but the moment that Derek's cell began to ring out, she knew that the doubt building in her was more than a little warranted. Penelope listened as Derek's face darkened as the call proceeded and she knew they had caught a case.
She knew what to expect as the call ended.
"Case?" Penelope asked him sadly and watched as Derek nodded sadly at her. She had accepted that cases crept up at the worst time possible a long time ago, but today she begrudged them.
"You know I'm gonna be back before you know it," Derek vowed to her as they stood up and he threw down enough money to cover the bill. "I will be back for you, Baby Girl."
Penelope smiled hard, trying to believe him, "I know."
She guessed she was really alone for the beginning of this new life now.
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