AN: Hola. Don't even ask why I'm updating. I've been trying to write anything for days now, but I opened this up and just said anything. I don't know if that means that you'll have another chapter (this fic, ro otherwise) soon or not, but it could be hopeful. Anyway, I want to say ahead of time that I don't want to offend anyone in this chapter. If you are religious, I am not making fun of your beliefs, but my friend and I have a Jesus joke going, not to mention that it was just funny, so I put it in. This chapter is pure chaos and general stupidity, so you have been warned.

Disclaimer: Do you think Rowling would give me Harry Potter for like, twenty bucks? That's all I have.

Danger: Extremely Flammable

by: tradingforeverx

Chapter Two: Minister of Magic

"Sirius, grab my arm!"

"Where did you put my peas?"

"I can't–I can't reach–"

"Grab my arm!"

"The peas, guys?"

"You're too bloody high up, you know–"

"Grab it, god damn it!"

Sirius took a swipe at James' arm but still could not reach. Sirius, although known largely as a player and was definitely more bite than bark, was a nice few inches under six feet and consequently could not reach the arm that James was swinging from the tree he was stuck in. Not that it was really James' fault, anyways, since Sirius was the one who threw his underwear up there anyway, and of course he'd had to go after them, as they were his favorite heart boxers. He'd graduated in them. He'd lost his virginity in them. He'd bought his apartment in them. He did everything in them. And, alright, they were his only pair. Just don't even ask why he was going commando at that particular moment.

After trying again, Sirius plopped down on the ground. "You're on your own, mate. You're the one who got stuck."

"You guys," Remus said slowly, grasping his hands tightly. "I still need my peas."

Sirius looked over at him through the small, flickering flames of the fire in front of him while James struggled in the tree. "You need to get rid of that obsession with peas, Moony. You've been like that since I first met you, man."

"Peas help calm me down, you know that."

James fell with a thump to the ground. He picked his head up to look at his mates, his glasses now somewhere in his thick head of hair. "I hate you all."

A rustle to the right of their camp site attracted all three pairs of eyes. Sirius scrambled over to where James was strewn, while Remus stayed completely still.

"Not the bears again!" James moaned.

One might be wondering how three grown men found themselves in the middle of a forest in front of a fire, searching through trees for underwear, complaining about peas, and running away from bears (again.) And one would be correct in being so confused. However, once the word 'Marauders' were added, one would be expected to answer with an all-knowing ,"Oh."

However, for those unfamiliar, I'll elaborate. The Marauders, always one for pranks and half-baked plans, liked to get in trouble. Another thing they liked to do was act on impulse...

They sat at their regular table in their regular pub. Sirius and Remus sat next to each other, their backs to the wall, while James sat across from them. It was where they always sat. It was what they always did. Nothing was different.

"I'm thinking the brunette at four o'clock,"Sirius said, nodding his head over at the girl standing by the bar.

Remus looked over before shaking his head, a pinched look on his face. "Not even. She looks like James' mum."

"Oh, gross!" James yelped, turning to look at the woman. "What–what are you talking about, Moony? That looks nothing like–oh Merlin, that's my mum!" He automatically threw himself under the table, hissing upwards, "You're disgusting, Pads. You got the hots for my mum? The woman's ancient!"

"Whatever," Sirius answered, still looking at Mrs. Potter. "She's got some junk in her trunk."

"What did we tell you about those Muggle phrases, Sirius?" Remus groaned.

Sirius shrugged. "Something about butter..." he mumbled, distracted, still, by James' mum.

"Sirius?" Remus asked. "Are you even listening to me?"

James crouched smaller under the table. "Is she gone yet?" he whispered. "What's she even doing here?"

"I'll have the rent tomorrow, Joe,"Sirius muttered, before breaking out of his trance as Mrs. Potter left. "What'd you blokes say?"

Remus sighed, nudging James with his foot. "She's gone, mate."

James uncurled himself from under the table, stretching out his longs limbs. "Old women in pubs..." he grumbled angrily.

Remus ignored him, eyeing Sirius. "You must be getting desperate, Padfoot. James' mum?"

"Yeah, dude," James said. "She like, fed you porridge when you had the measles in third year."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Your mum's hot, James. You gotta know that."

"She's married."

"Never stopped me before," Sirius answered, grinning.

"Gross," Remus whispered, while James looked on as if watching a car crash.

Their Marauder-dilemma was interrupted as a small woman came up to their table, her smile bright in the dim pub. "Hello, gentlemen. I'm just here handing out flyers for a camping trip. It's for Jesus Christ. Would you like one?"

Remus smiled politely. shaking his head. "No, thank you. I'm quite busy."

"Devil" was all that James said.

Sirius, however, had his eyes attached to the picture on the flyer. "Yeah," he answered. "Yeah, I'll take one."

She smiled, handing him a flyer, shooting a quick look to James before going to the next few people in the pub.

"What'd you take one of those for, Pads?" Remus asked, glancing over at it. It had a large picture of Jesus on it and a tent over his head, saying, 'Jesus Camps.' "You planning on becoming religious?"

"Guys," he whispered. "Guys, we should do this!"

"What?" James asked, snorting. "Pray?"

"No." Sirius shook his head, looking up at them with bright eyes and waving the flyer around. "Camping! It's a great idea!" He was practically standing on his chair now. "Look, it'll help you get away from your women problems, James. And you, Remus, you need to get away from that little girl sometime. And me, well, hey, I think James' mum is smokin'. I probably need some fresh air too!"

"What are you trying to say about my mum–"

"Sirius, I don't think that's a great idea..."

"It's wonderful! Come on, guys. What's the problem? You scared?"

Which is how they got to the middle of nowhere. Of course, they apparated there (where was there, anyway?) since they weren't in the best shape (no shape, really) for hiking, and then they didn't really have a tent, so they were just going to make a bed out of leaves, or at least that was the plan until the bear showed up and stole them all. And now it seemed to be back for a second helping...

"I t–thought you weren't scared, Prongs," Sirius stuttered, pressing up against his best mate.

"I'm not," James lied, practically clutching onto Sirius as well. "It's just...well, bears have teeth and..."

"My peas!" Remus suddenly screamed, lunging for the can rolling near the fire. "My peas!"

"Remus, don't!" James yelled after him, watching as his friend grabbed the can and rolled, as if a spy. James let out a sigh before he realized Remus' hair was, in fact, on fire. "Oh, Merlin, Remus! Your hair! It's on fire! Fire!"

The rustling was louder now before an animal of some kind burst out of the trees. Sirius screamed loudly, eyeing something that swooped through the air at him. "It's a bird! It's a plane! It an–"

"Owl!" Remus yelled, though his hair was still on fire and he was jumping up and down while James circled him, trying to think of something to do. "It's an owl! Get the owl! Owl! Ow–oh, God! My head!"

The owl dropped something onto the ground before flying away in a rush. Sirius peered over at it, ignoring his friends yelps, and eyes the red thing on the ground. It looked...well, it sort of resembled...

"A howler!" he yelled, jumping up and diving behind the fire. "It's a howler! Bugger, not my mum again!"

The howler rose into the air, forming a mouth and lips and a tongue with its folds. "Dear Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, and Mr. Potter," it said loudly, it's voice very official, although Sirius' arm was now on fire and the boys were too loud to make out the words. "It has come to our attention–"

"Mr arm," Sirius yelped, "My arm, my arm! Oh, Godric, it's on fire!"

"–you apparated into strictly–"

"I think I'm bald," Remus moaned, slamming his hands against his head.

"Am I the only one not on–ah, fire! My foot!" James yelled, picking up his foot and spinning in a circle. "I stepped in the fire! Bugger, I stepped in the fire!"

"–consequently, you are now–"

"I need this arm! It's my right arm! I do everything with my right arm! I'm a righty!"

"–we are sorry if–"

"I can't drink anymore! I can't hold my wand anymore! I can't write anymore! I probably can't read anymore! Aw, shit! I can't–"

"–and if so, you may contact–"

"–anymore! What am I supposed to do when I can't get laid now?"

"At least it's not your foot! I can't walk!"

"Well, maybe if you weren't stupid enough to step in fires–"

"Oh, stuff it, I'm practically bald!"

"–Sincerely, The Minister of Magic."

Suddenly, all was quiet. The fire that had once been inside the circle of rocks had fizzled out. Sirius had unknowingly performed Stop, Drop, and Roll. James had stomped his foot enough that the fire was no longer there. Remus patted the fire out of his hair.

"Did you just say you were the Minster of Magic, Pads?" Remus asked warily, looking around the forest suspiciously.

"No, why the bugger would I do that?"

"I thought I heard it, too," James said, letting his foot fall to the ground.

"It was probably just the wind," Sirius commented, rolling onto his back and trying to look at his arm in the pitch dark.

"It's quiet," Remus whispered loudly. "I got set on fire trying to get my peas. I don't like this. Jesus may camp, but I don't. I'm out." There was a pause before, "Just gimme a second." Another pause. "I..." Remus sighed loudly before cursing under his breath. "I can't apparate! Why can't I apparate?"

"Well, you see, Remus," Sirius said slowly. "In order to apparate, one must concentrate very hard on where they are trying to go. Then, they must–"

"Stuff it, Sirius!" Remus practically yelled. "I really can't apparate!"

"I can't either," James put in softly.

Remus whipped around to look at him. "What? You can't either? What the–"

"Oh, shit!" Sirius yelled over them. "I can't either! What happened to..."

A contemplative silence before all three of them yelled loudly, "The howler!"