GENKAI'S HELP HOTLINE
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
3. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
4. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
5. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
6. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
7. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
YUSUKE'S WAYS OF GRADING PAPERSDept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
KUWABARA'S ANSWERS ON A TESTGeography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.-
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
BOTAN'S TOP TEN LINES YOU'LL NEVER HEAR IN A WESTERN MOVIE
10. "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
9. "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
8. "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight.
7. "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
6. "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
5. "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
4. "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
3. "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
2. "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
and the number 1 Line You'll Never Hear in a Western...
1. "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
SEEN ON THE SPIRIT WORLD HOSPITAL CHARTS1. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.