The bright burning sunlight awoke me the next morning. Or was it afternoon? I really had no sense of time at this moment, nor did I really care to have a sense of time. My parents hadn't woken me up so I knew that it must not have been too late. Dreading getting up and having to face all my problems, I tossed the pillow onto my face and held it there trying to block the light from my window. I pushed down harder than necessary and for some reason couldn't stop. My arms and fingers wouldn't listen to let go of the pillow so I could breathe. What the hell?! I could feel my chest growing tight and I kicked my legs in frustration, trying to fight. I tried to scream, but I couldn't get the air in to do it.
"Elena…Are you- Oh my god!" I heard my mom open the door and rush over to my bed. She quickly pried my fingers off of the pillow and tossed it aside. I breathed in deeply and began to cough from lack of air. "What on earth were you doing?" She was truly panicked for me and my safety. I could see it in her eyes and the expression on her face. How could I even respond? 'Oh, I was just trying to suffocate myself?' My mother would have me locked up in the psych ward for sure if I said that.
"I…" At that moment my mind couldn't think of anything to say, it was as if I didn't have the ability to form words and sentences. I really had no explanation.
"Sweetheart, are you okay? You don't have to speak, just nod." I replied by doing just that. It seemed to satisfy her, which was good. "I'm so sorry about what happened to your friends, honey. I can't imagine what you must be going through, but trust me, your father and I are here for you. We're going to do absolutely everything in our power to get you whatever help you need." She breathed in a big sigh of what I guessed was relief. "Speaking of help, you have an appointment at the doctors in an hour or so. I know you're mad," she paused, gauging my reaction. "But, honey, we actively need to make sure that you're okay." I just stared at her emotionlessly. I was fine! What on earth was everyone so worried about? I knew she wouldn't leave me alone until I gave her a response that would placate her.
"Okay. And thanks mom, I know you and dad care. Maybe… Maybe I'll be okay. You know? It might not be that bad, I mean, yeah almost everyone I knew is dead, but really how is it so bad? I got out okay, right? So that's all that matters… As far as I'm concerned, I'd really like to try and forget that last night ever happened. Do you know what I mean? I just think it'll be better for me in the long run if I ignore it and just act like it never happened." Wow. That was a shock where did all that come from?
"Lena, darling… Do you even hear yourself? You can't just pretend like it never happened, you have got to admit it so you can heal." My mom tried to reason with me and I began to grow annoyed. I made my decision! I can handle myself how I see fit.
"Mom, please leave me alone. I'm going to get ready. I'll be down when I'm done." There must have been something commanding in my voice because my mom left the room without looking back at me. These past 24 hours have been so very confusing, just trying to think hurt my head. So, obviously, I didn't think about it.
Once she had left I got up out of bed and sighed heavily. With all I had been through couldn't I just stay in bed for the day? Why did I have to get up and do something? Why couldn't I just stay and wallow in my own misery? I knew why. Because, if I decided to stay in bed and not occupy myself and my mind, I'd slowly go insane with grief and guilt. I rubbed my eyes to try and get the sleep out of them, as well as to refresh my senses. I needed to get ready, but I also needed to do something at the same time to focus my thoughts. Make up and… music! Yes, with my music I just have to block out the world. I quickly retrieved my iPod from my nightstand drawer, pleasantly surprised to see that it was still charged enough though it hadn't been charged in at least three days.
I had been careful to avoid all the mirrors in my room as I walked back and forth doing various things. I had a lot of mirrors, mainly because I honestly liked looking at myself. That got me to thinking, how did I even look now? After being through hell and back? I took in a deep breath and held it, slowly walking over to my vanity with my eyes closed, trying to avoid facing my reflection. Finally I knew I could not hold it off anymore, it wouldn't do me any good. Slowly I opened my eyes and I was abruptly taken aback at the girl in the mirror. She looked so… hideous and broken and torn apart and just so miserable. Her long honey golden blonde hair that was usually so smooth and neat was all over the place, making her look a bit like a homeless person. Her eyes, clear as the blue seas of Mexico, seemed cold and depthless. It was as if this girl had no soul, no meaning, and no purpose. Her slender body frame was slouched, unconfident. She was by no means unattractive, but her appearance at this moment just wasn't very appealing. Looking at her in the mirror made me extremely uncomfortable and anxious. It took me a few moments before my brain registered that the girl who looked so hideous was actually I.
Wanting not to pass out from shock, I sat myself down on my padded chair and continued to stare at my reflection. I actually did look like I had been beaten in the face with the ugly stick, a fact that was hard to overcome. Call it vanity if you wish, but I was the town beauty queen. I had participated in so many of the pageants, my parents had spent so much time and money ensuring that this would be a great place to raise a family. I was sought after by every boy, and a few girls, but not even a blind dog could love me in the state that I was in at that moment. I put my ear buds in and opened my music, hitting the random button and being surprised at the song that was chosen first. It was actually kind of ironic; it was Wanted by Hunter Hayes. The girl in the song was wanted, but I wasn't. I was not in the mood to try and waste time to find something so I just left it on that song and turned the volume up loud enough that I could block out the world.
I opened the vanity drawer and pulled out about two and a half boxes that were just absolutely filled to the brim with various makeups, bobby pins, and other things that a typical teenage girl would have. Makeup was basically my salvation. It made me feel so much more confident than any guy or my parents ever had. When I wore makeup, I could be anyone, I could be anything. The world was mine for the taking! Not to mention I received a lot of attention from people. My life was constant stream of compliments like "Oh, you're so beautiful" or "I wish I was as pretty as you!" I honestly attribute all of the attention to makeup; it can do some amazing things for your face if you know how to apply it properly. Even as a baby my mother said that I would always put on her makeup and try and be grown up.
"Not even makeup can mask the pain you have on your face, Elena, but we'll try to fix it." My inner voice was cheerful but I still felt weird. Could I even put on makeup and go out and get attention while my dead friends couldn't? "Stop that! Stop that right now, stop blaming yourself! You lived, they died, you can't change it" I flinched as the cheerfulness disappeared. However, it was right. I couldn't change anything by feeling guilty or hating myself. I'd never go on in life if I couldn't move on and heal from tragedies like this one. Picking myself up by my boot straps, I forced a smile and began to apply my makeup.
First up was the foundation, then the powder to smooth it out, a little bit of blush to add some color to my cheeks, light purple eye shadow to match my outfit for the day, eyeliner with perfectly tipped wings, and four coats of mascara to make my eyelashes pop. I was done within fifteen minutes and as I looked into the mirror, I could see a change in the girl from earlier. She now sat up straighter, she had more confidence. Her smile seemed genuine and her eyes were lit up with the help of the eye shadow and eyeliner. She looked nothing like she did before.
"I'm such an artist, I should start a gallery!" I laughed silently to myself as I arose from the vanity chair, my earbuds being ripped out as I stood up to quickly. I decided to just leave it there; I really had no interest in listening to music anymore right now. My least favorite part was up next; getting dressed. Choosing what to wear was such a chore for me, I had way too many clothes that could be used in about two hundred different combinations. I was still dressed in my party outfit from the day before and that made me feel really gross. I had to change my clothes constantly as I worried way too much about dirt being on my skin.
I finally decided on a purple cotton summer dress. It came down to my ankles and really hugged my curves, yet it was also light and airy, giving me room to breathe and move. I had had this dress for at least a few years now and I was pleasantly surprised that it still fit me! My grandmother bought me this dress about two years ago for my 14th birthday, and I have been in love with it ever since. I wore it quite a lot during the summer, so I was also intrigued at how it had survived all these days, all these messes I had gotten into. Yet, it looked brand new and you couldn't tell it had ever been worn at all.
My shoes were next on the list and I decided that I would just keep it simple with a pair of black wedged flip flops. They were fashionable yet comfy, a combination that every girl dreamed of creating. I put in small hoop earrings, giving my outfit a fancy touch. I walked over to the body length mirror near my closet and smiled slightly as I saw my reflection. The outfit really pulled everything together, giving the assumption that this girl had never been through any drama, any pain, she was just a normal sixteen year old girl.
"Elena," my mother called out to me from downstairs, "We need to leave!" I sighed. What kind of doctor was she taking me to anyway? Was it my pediatrician, a psychologist, a psychiatrist? The possibilities were endless.
"Coming mom!" I yelled back downstairs. I grabbed my phone off of my nightstand and took a quick glance at the screen. There were so many message notifications, people asking if I were okay, anonymous numbers telling me I was a murderer, and people asking how I escaped. I decided to ignore them for now, it would be better if I could wait until I was in a setting where I couldn't break down crying. I slowly descended down the stairs and held on to the railing for my life because I still didn't have full control of my legs. 'What if I were to fall right now? Maybe that would set things right, I would be dead or at least close to it just like my friends were right now.' This guilt would eat me alive, wouldn't it? It would ruin any part of me that I had.
"Elena, are you alright? You look so pale…" my mom observed as I finally reached the bottom of the stairs. I looked pale? How could that be possible, I put so much makeup on so that it would hide any imperfections! My mother put her hand on my shoulder and tried to look me directly in the eye. I didn't meet her gaze, I didn't want to. I shrugged away from her touch, feeling uneasy.
"I'm fine. Let's just go and get this over with." I mumbled under my breath. My mom let it go and I was thankful that she did so. It was a little weird actually; she never let things like this go. But, she seemed to be doing it now. I wonder why? Oh well, I may as well not think too much into it, it would do no good to focus on it.
"Now," my mom spoke directly to me as we got into the car, "We are going to see Dr. Kall, then we are going to the medical center to get you set up with a therapist. Then we will go get lunch, and finally we'll go to the police station because they need to talk to you again." She gauged my reaction, awaiting my emotions. I was angry! A therapist, are you kidding me?! I didn't need a therapist, I was fine! Why the hell did the police want to speak to me? They just talked to me and got my statement less than 16 hours ago!
"Whatever. Let's just get this day over with." I growled, feeling the anger practically radiating off of my body. My mom clearly felt it too because she stopped talking and just kept her eyes on the road. I really did not want to deal with anything like this today. I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep and ignore the world, but no. I have to go and get checked out. I felt fine! Except… my neck was kind of stiff, and I felt a dull ache in my side, the side that had hit the car as I was thrown into it. My head hurt and it felt like I was getting a muscle spasm in my arms because they were twitching. Greaaaaaat, this is wonderful. I guess the adrenaline from the night before had masked my pain and I didn't feel anything until I really thought about how I was feeling.
I watched the trees and buildings roll by outside of the car window, trying to distract my mind from the pain that I now felt. It didn't do much good, the pain seemed to be growing stronger and I fought to not show any emotions that would give off the idea that I was actually in pain. Little did I know, my mom was watching me out of the corner of her eye and her intuition told her that I wasn't feeling okay. We arrived at the doctor's office a few minutes later and I took in a deep breath trying to mask my pain.
"We're here, Elena. Let's go." My mother spoke to me as if I was out of it and had no idea where we were. That was hardly the case, as I was always very aware of my surroundings no matter where I was. We walked into the doctor's office and I was overwhelmed with the smell of alcohol, the sound of children crying, it was greatly annoying and only added to my headache. I didn't really understand why I had to go see a pediatrician, I was sixteen. Granted Dr. Kall had seen me since the day I was born, I really felt like it was time that I transition to the doctor that the rest of my family saw.
"Hi, how can we help you today?" a new receptionist asked my mother and smiled at me, I was curious as to why she didn't just ask me.
"My daughter Elena has an appointment to see Dr. Kall at 12:30." my mother replied. So, it was indeed afternoon. I slept in really late…Weird.
"Alright, is everything still the same? Address, phone number, etc...?" My mother nodded. "Great! Just go ahead and have a seat, it may take a while as the doctor is fairly busy." She gestured to the waiting room and I turned around and looked. She was right. There were at least half a dozen kids that were going to be seen before me. Yay, I get to wait! In agony, I might add. Still, I did my best to keep my poker face on.
"Thank you." My mother smiled and turned around, grabbing my hand and leading me to the seats on the far left side of the wall. I jerked my hand away in annoyance, I didn't need help. My mother just ignored it and began dialing numbers on her phone. "Hi, my name is Miranda Gilbert and I'm calling to let you guys know that we may be a little late to the appointment for my daughter Elena." Oh, so she was calling and letting the other doctors know that we were backed up in our schedule. I really didn't care so I just tuned her out and tried to focus on the soft classical music playing from the speakers on the ceiling.
My phone buzzed twice and I remembered that I had a bunch of text messages that I needed to respond to. Many of them read "I saw what happened on the news! Are you okay?" then grew more frantic as I didn't respond "Elena where are you?! I've tried calling you! No one can reach you! Are you okay?!" I flinched knowing that I was causing someone else pain because I was too wrapped up in my own life to respond to their messages. Other messages, the ones that hurt me the most, read "You're a murderer, I can't believe you lived." And "You probably set that fire, how could you kill your own friends? You're a despicable human being. I wish you died instead of them."
My blood ran cold as I read them. I tried my hardest not to start crying and I had no idea what to text them back. No one else was there to witness what happened, who would believe me if I said that I didn't start the fire? No one would. I decided that I would just leave those messages alone in case the police wanted to see them. I quickly responded to all the ones that inquired about my wellbeing "I'm fine, thank you. I'm sorry I made you worry, I was in rough shape and I completely forgot about the rest of the world. I'm okay. I'm at the doctor's right now, getting checked for any injuries. Thank you for being so concerned." I sent that about a dozen times to each of the concerned messengers. There was no reason to type out a different response to each one. Then, suddenly, a message from an unknown sender popped up, sent a few minutes ago. "I'm glad you're safe. I only wish I would have been able to save your friends. I tried but there was nothing I could do. I had to save at least one person. I'm sorry." Who sent this? Was it a joke? If it was, it wasn't a very funny one. "Who is this?" I texted back and waited, there was no further response. Could it have been the person who knocked me out of the way last night? The person who saved me? Or was it a cruel joke meant to make me feel even worse?
"Elena?" a nurse called out my name, "The doctor is ready for you now." I stood up and my mom grabbed my hand.
"Do you want me to come with you?" I shook my head, I could do this alone. I wasn't a baby and I didn't need my mom right there with me. I could handle anything.
"How are you doing today, Elena?" the nurse asked me, shutting the door behind me to the waiting room.
"Fine, I'm fine." I mumbled, feeling the pain in my side grow stronger.
"I'm Nurse Angela. I'll be taking your vital signs and such." Angela was very pretty. She was tall with long dark brown hair tied back neatly in a ponytail. Her eyes were a deep green and there was a certain softness in her face and smile that made me feel a little better. She led me to the scale at the end of the hallway. "Step up please." I did as she asked and held my breath as I awaited the number. "155.3, very good." She smiled and wrote the number down on my chart. 155.3? I had lost five pound since I last weighed myself a week ago, that was a little terrifying. "Room 6." She directed me and I hopped up onto the examination table. It was a little small, definitely not meant to be used by a teenager.
As the nurse was getting her things ready to take my vital signs I looked around the room I was in. I had seen this room many, many times in my sixteen years. It hadn't changed much. There were still little bears on the wall paper strewn across the top of the wall. The walls themselves were painted a soft yellow, meant to calm children down. They should probably change the color, because with all the screaming from kids I was hearing, it wasn't calming them down much.
"Hold out your arm, please." I followed her instructions and flinched a little as the cuff tightened on my aching arm. She noticed my flinch. "Tender?" she asked inquisitively. I nodded. "Do you have any other pain besides your arm?" She seemed concerned.
"Well, my head hurts and my neck is stiff. I have this extremely sharp pain in my left side that seems to be getting worse… It's like I'm being stabbed or something. It was dull at first but now it's hurting more." I flinched and gasped out in pain, grabbing my side as I felt a new sensation; the feeling that I couldn't breathe without extreme pain.
"Oh my, that's not very good. Well, we'll get the doctor in here right away as soon as I take your temperature." The nurse stuck a thermometer under my tongue and held it there for about twenty seconds. "You don't have a fever so that's good. Alright, hang tight and I'll make sure to let Dr. Kall know that you need to be seen immediately." Nurse Angela stepped out of the room and I clenched my teeth together in an attempt to block out the pain.
Spots began to dance in and out of my vision and I felt light headed. 'Oh no. No no no no no!' my mind raced. I was passing out, losing consciousness. This was not good, NOT GOOD!
"Elena!" I heard Dr. Kall's voice. He gasped sharply. "Angela! Get in here immediately!"
"What is it doct—" she gasped too. "Oh my god." That's when I couldn't fight anymore. I gave into the darkness and drifted, I no longer heard what was going on around me. The only thing I could here was the pounding of my heartbeat in my head.