"Tamsin are you sure you want to come?" I asked, bouncing Sif in my arms as she stared at us contently for a moment, pulling her TOMS on. Motherhood hadn't really changed Tamsin other than the 'Mom shoes' she now wore all the time since hanging up her heels. 'If I have Sif in my arms and I need to start some shit I'd rather be in flat comfortable shoes I can run in.' she justified last time I picked on her about it. "There's no shame in sitting this one out." I reassured her as her eyebrows furrowed into displeasure at the suggestion she couldn't handle this.
"They're just booster shots, how bad can it be?" she snorted, walking towards me before placing a kiss on my forehead and plucking the baby from my arms. "Besides, she'll be scared if her mama isn't there." Tamsin smiled, cooing over our daughter.
"Tam- she's six weeks old, I don't think she understands that she's getting her shots." I thought aloud as I wrapped my arms around her from behind, peeking over her shoulder at the tiny fae who stared inquisitively back at Tamsin "She'll be fine if you decide to go to work today."
"She's five and a half weeks old actually." Tamsin corrected me with a smirk, leaning back into my embrace with a sigh as I moved the strap of her white vest and kissed her shoulder. "Do you know why it is valkyries have such short childhoods Bo?" she asked me, turning to meet my gaze as I tucked a piece of blonde hair behind her ear.
"I never really thought about it in all honesty." I answered frankly.
"It's because we have to be ready to fight and serve, children are vulnerable, they aren't made for battlefields - the quicker we grow up, the quicker we have to be brave" she frowned, thinking on the many missed childhoods that come from many battlehardened lifetimes. "so sue me if I don't want my daughter to have to be brave just yet, okay?"
"Okay babe." I nodded, feeling in the atmosphere change as Tamsin's posture stiffened slightly - as if she was on high alert with our baby in her arms, it had become a tell tale sign for me that Tamsin was panicking, recollecting memories from lifetimes that seem too long ago to be hers. "Hey, hey." I whispered, moving in front of her as she bit the side of her cheek, deep in thought. "She's going to do great okay?" I promised her as she silently nodded her head.
"Yeah- you're right." she agreed, passing me Sif back as her face wrinkled into a cry, telling us she was hungry.
I quickly passed her the baby back as Tamsin shot me a look of confusion. "She's hungry though." the valkyrie stated, taking our daughter back in her arms, clearly wondering if there was a reason I wasn't feeding her.
"You feed her babe, she wants her mama." I grinned, tracing my finger over Sif's white blond baby hair - just like Tamsin's.
"Bo that's kind of your territory." she acknowledged as I moved through the kitchen, making up an expressed bottle as Tamsin bounced our crying daughter from the sidelines.
"Just because I have the boobs doesn't mean you can't feed her too." I explained, passing her a bottle over the counter as I was met with a confused look.
"But you love feeding her? You said it was the best part of your day?" Tamsin wondered aloud, still unsure of why I was getting her to do this.
"It is - I get to share something with her that you don't get to be a part of and that's not fair, plus I can tell you're still freaking out about the shots so why don't you feed her and have some bro time or whatever it is you do with the baby when I'm out of the room and relax?" I suggested, ushering her with my hands towards the sofa as she carefully sat down with the precious cargo in her arms. "I'm going to pack a diaper bag, you relax okay?" I smiled, kissing the crown of her head as she reclined into the sofa.
. . . . . . . . .
I immediately understood why this was Bo's favourite part of the day, she was just so relaxed when she was feeding, her little hand capturing my finger as I played with her whilst she fed on the bottle. "Have I told you yet about the first time I met your mom?" I asked aloud, cooing over her as her little feet kicked. "That's right, I arrested her." I smiled, talking to my baby. Glad nobody else was around to witness this. "Best decision I ever made kiddo." I smiled, rocking her gently in my arms as her eyelids began to flutter. "Stay like this forever please, don't ever grow up Sif." I frowned, kissing the crown of her white blonde hair as her lips curled into a contented sigh as she finished her bottle.
We still didn't know whether Sif was Valkyrja or Succubus or maybe even both, frankly I don't even want to know, the fear of her being like me was still ever present.
"Tamsin why are you scared of Sif being a valkyrie like you?" I heard Bo ask me from behind, sneaking up on me to plant a chaste kiss on my cheek before sitting at the side of me to fawn over our baby.
"If you can read my mind well enough to know that I'm worried she might be a valkyrie then I'm pretty sure you can read my mind well enough to know why." I dryly replied, not impressed that she was listening to my private thoughts.
"Your mom?" Bo frowned, trying her best to be sympathetic.
"Bingo." I muttered, eager not to think about the relationship between me and my family, at least not when I have a relationship to build with my own daughter. "We have a dysfunctional relationship at best, let's face it - I haven't called my mom 'Mom' since I was a newborn, she's always just been 'Acacia' you know?" I tried to explain to Bo without giving too much of myself away emotionally.
"Babe, talk to me." Bo pushed me gently, taking the now sleeping baby from my grasps and putting her in her moses basket on the other side of the sofa before taking my hands.
"My grandmother is the Queen of the Valkyrja, legend has it she didn't even see Acacia for the first ten years of her life - sending her to Mount Olympus instead to be trained by Zeus, when I was a child the only time Acacia told me she loved me was when I kicked the crap out of Thor and Loki - and even then it was only because she won a bet against Odin. Do you know what Acacia said to me the first time she saw Sif?"
I sniffed a little as Bo looked at me with those big gentle brown eyes, listening intently as she pressed further for more information. "I don't, what did she say?" Bo asked.
"She said it was the proudest she'd ever been of me, that Sif is the future of the royal Valkyrja bloodline now - I don't want that for my daughter, I don't want her to grow up to be a monster like me." I whispered, staring at the tiny girl in the moses basket a few metres away as she slept so sweetly.
"Woah, woah, woah." she interjected, leaning forward and touching my face to get my attention back. "Where the Hell is this whole 'monster like me' thing coming from?" Bo gently prodded.
"People fear us Bo. Valkyries are the angels of death, when people see my actual face they cower away in terror - I don't want Sif to grow up to think all she can ever be is a monster like me. I want her to be anything and everything she chooses to be." I tried to explain whilst simultaneously shying away from the brunette's unforgivingly acute stare.
"Bullshit Tamsin." Bo scoffed as my face twitched with anger, anger at being mocked whilst I tried to share an intimate confession with my wife.
"How dare yo-" I went to finish but she interjected me.
"You are the bravest, kindest woman I have ever met. I love you every minute of every day and there isn't a god damn thing about you that I am not proud of. You are the light and joy of my life and if our daughter grows up wanting to be just like her mama I will be just as proud of her too, people are frightened by the things they don't know and just because people don't understand your story doesn't make you a monster. I love you no matter which face you choose to wear, because when I kiss your lips I taste the rest of my life, a life I will spend by your side. No matter who or what our daughter is she will always be ours, not the Wanderer's, or Acacia's - ours." Bo growled, climbing into my lap and kissing me hard and passionately, her hands wandering over my skin as she cupped my cheeks, pulling aways from our searing kiss. "Show me your face." she whispered.
"Wh-what do you mean?" I asked as I squirmed underneath her at the thought of showing her the parts of myself I couldn't get rid of.
"You know what I mean, show me your valkyrie." she whispered again, leaning back closer to kiss my neck as I closed my eyes and tried to fight the urge to give into my wife's requests.
"I can't Bo - I can't. Sif is right there, what if she wakes up and I scare her?" I asked gently, frightened that my actual appearance might terrify my child.
"You won't scare her T, I promise you." Bo tempted, rubbing my shoulders as her knees sat over each side of my legs, leaning back in to kiss my lips as I finally gave into her.
I closed my eyes, finding the place inside of me where I hid my valkyrie, where I pushed her into the recess of my mind, eager to forget about her. 'I'm not a Valkyrie anymore, I'm a mother.' I told myself each time I felt the need to unleash her at work, I felt my eyes sink further and my cheekbones become more prominent, scared to open my eyes incase it was too much for Bo.
"Open your eyes." she whispered as I kept them clenched shut, unable to see anything as she stroked the soft skin on the side of my neck, knowing how much of a weakness it was for me to resist.
I opened my eyes, quickly trying to focus on her facial expressions, scared that fear might flash across her face. She stared at me - entranced in the shared gaze, still like a doe in headlights as I tried to think of something to say, worried that the fear might of paralysed her as she stared deep into my eyes.
"Bo - say something?" I urged her, tears threatening to fall from my cheeks as I convinced myself she thought I was a monster, I turned my head slowly, looking away as my cheeks burned with shame. Until a soft hand cupped the side of my face and brought me back, holding my face up for her to examine.
"You're beautiful" she breathed, taking me in as her thumb stroked the side of my face "so, so beautiful Tamsin." she concluded, running her hand through my white blonde hair as she leaned in and kissed me in a way only she could. A kiss that exceeded a physical interaction and transcended into something far more beautiful, a promise - signed with a motion, a gesture that wrapped itself around my bones and made me feel so safe and loved. "You are so sexy." she moaned as she pulled away for air before diving back in again and touching the side of my smiling face with her fingertips before attempting to pull the vest from my body as her palms found their way to my breasts.
I moaned into her mouth as we found ourselves hungry with lust, until I remembered the sleeping baby at the side of the sofa. "Oh god-" I muttered as I pulled away from our kiss. "Not in front of the baby Isabeau." I pleaded, making sure to use her full name so she knew I was being serious.
It was only as she pulled away to throw me a look that screamed 'seriously?' that I saw the clock on the wall. "Shit!" I shouted, jumping from sofa as Bo clambered off of me in confusion. "It's 10.00AM Bo!" I hurriedly explained to her as I threw my leather jacket on and threw Bo's coat in her direction.
"What are you talking about?!" Bo questioned with confusion etched across her face until the penny suddenly dropped. "Oh shit! Her booster shots!" Bo jumped up, throwing her coat on and gently maneuvering the sleeping baby from her basket to the car seat.
. . . . . . . . . .
"Okay so which mommy is holding her whilst we get the vaccinations done?" the young, fresh faced nurse asked us. 'Definitely a Light pixie' I thought, taking in her petite redhead frame as Bo rocked Sif in the corner of the room, attempting to calm her down as she moaned and whimpered at being awakened from her deep sleep. "No need for a DNA test, definitely yours Tam." Bo sighed as I threw her a scowl that screamed 'very funny'.
"Bo will hold her, I'll just sit at the side - I'm just here for moral support." I explained as the nurse pulled the latex gloves on with a snap which suddenly caused all of my sensibilities to fracture. "Okay, okay- stop." I laughed as she stepped towards Bo with the tray, holding my arm out so she couldn't pass me.
"What's the problem?" the nurse asked with a puzzled face as I could feel Bo's eyes burning into the back of my head for causing a scene.
"I can't let you near my baby with those needles." I frowned, expecting someone to laugh at my stupidity any second.
"Blood bound Fae tend to sometimes handle the fight or flight urge a little better if they're not in the room, what about if you wait outside and we can come and get you as soon as it's over?" the nurse suggested as I felt my eyebrows furrow with a little more seriousness.
"Take another step towards my baby lady and I'll arrest you." I said as my voice raised an octave or three from the panic. I turned to face Bo who sat on the bed with Sif in her arms, leaning against the back rest clearly enjoying the show that was about to unfold. "I told you, you should have gone to work today." Bo chirped as our daughter sat peacefully in her Mommy's arms.
"A little help Bo?" I urged her as I stopped the nurse advancing towards the bed, something primal inside of me unable to allow pain to come to my daughter. I waited for a response, turning back to face my wife until I felt a sharp sting in the top of my arm. "Ow." I replied with displeasure as I whipped round to face the nurse as she retracted a needle from my arm, the sweet smile still plastered to her face.
"Just a little madloch, it'll take the edge off of the fight or flight urge you're experiencing." she explained "Sif won't feel a thing, it'll just be a quick prick and then we're all done." she reassured me.
"Gee, thanks Nurse Jackie." I rolled my eyes and rubbed my arm, sitting at Bo's side like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs as her big brown eyes quickly found my own.
"Feeling better Tam?" she whispered out of earshot of the nurse, trying to stifle a laugh.
"Fuck you." I frowned as I rubbed my arm before extending my hands to play with Sif's tiny little baby feet.
The needle looked frighteningly big in comparison to Sif's tiny frame, I placed my finger in the palm of Sif's hand convinced that if it hurt too much she could use her baby strength to squeeze my finger, the world started moving in slow motion as the needle got closer and closer to her skin. "Mama's here." I whispered as the nurse gave Sif the shot.
Nothing. No screams, no sound. Nothing.
"Bo something's wrong, she didn't cry." I quickly panicked.
"Oh don't worry, some babies really don't feel a thing. She must get her high pain threshold from her mama." the nurse laughed, eyeing me up as Bo smiled reassuringly.
I sat back, staring intently at my daughter trying to pick up something that everyone else was seemingly missing. Call it mother's intuition or whatever - but then the next booster shot came.
The tears and whimpers flew freely.
"Hey, hey, hey it's all done now." the nurse confirmed with that cheery voice that's supposed to help.
I grabbed Sif from out of Bo's lap and held her tight to my body as I tried to will the tears away, bouncing my baby in my arms.
"Tam- why are you crying?" Bo asked with concern as I sobbed, refusing to let anyone near Sif. I tried to speak but my words were lost in the tears, Bo put her hand on my cheek as she waited patiently for me to speak.
"Don't worry about it, a lot of moms get like that." the nurse smiled kindly as I tried to catch my breath, reassured by Sif's gentle snores.
"Tam it's okay, she did great, not even a whimper from her - talk to me babe?" Bo gently pried as I shook my head.
"No talking, let's never, ever talk about that again." I commented, trying to claw back at my stoic badass composure as mascara stained my cheeks.
"Okay." Bo sighed, lifting her arms to take Sif but was met with my shaking head.
"Just let me hold her for a while please, it makes her feel better." I explained.
"It makes her feel better, or you feel better?" Bo teased as the nurse left us alone for a moment to grab Sif's chart.
"Does it matter?" I asked, my eyes laced with sincerity as I held my snoring little mini me to my chest.
"No baby." Bo replied, "Not at all."