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"A brain tumor." I repeated brushing my hand through my blond hair. Her gray eyes met my bright blue eyes. "You´re sure? I mean, is there a possibility that you made a mistake?"
Dr. Meredith Grey touched my hand. "I´m so sorry Alan. We´re sure."
Dr. Grey looked at me with pity in her eyes. Her hair was pulled in a ponytail, a few stray´s of hair fell from behind her ears.
"I'm so sorry Alan." She said again and took my hand, her thumb brushing my hand.
I swallowed before I continued. "And what now?" I tried not to sound scared or childish but my voice was trembling.
"Alan, listen, maybe it's better to wait until your father is with us. You shouldn´t have to do this alone."
"They can´t be reached right now. Please, just talk to me, tell me. I'll call him when he´s at home but I need to know. What will happen now. "
"We will put you on chemotherapy right away. If everything goes according to plan, the tumor won´t grow any further and hopefully even shrinks more than four millimeters. Then there is the possibility of surgery. You'll need to stay here for a few weeks. You can go home after that but you have to come back for another course. We´re going to start as soon as the papers are in order."
"What if it doesn´t shrink? How long do I have left?"
She bit her lip and refused to look at me. "It's hard to say."
"How long." I repeated a bit stronger. "You can tell me, I can take it. How many time do I have left if this treatment doesn´t work?"
"If you're lucky. Three to six months. At the most." Softly she squeezed my hand. "I'm so so sorry."
Half in shock I continued. "Am I authorized to sign for my treatments. Or do I need one of my guardians to sign." In my head I was already thinking about how I could forge my brothers or my dad´s signature in the event that they won´t answer the phone.
"Here, in this state, you can sign your own papers. You're sixteen and the law says you are allowed to make your own decisions. "
"Let's start." I mumbled and looked Dr. Grey with a sad smile. "There's no time to waste."
She smiled politely. "I'll make sure that you have everything you need, okay? If you miss or need anything, let the nurse call me. Day or night. Even if you just want to talk. "
"You don´t have to treat me special because I'm a Tracy."
"Seriously? That's not my reason. You're one of those patients. Adults, even the elderly who have lived a full lifetime, have taken this news worse, you´re brave. But you are in my eyes still a child. Alan this is going to be the toughest fight of your life. And you will need people around you to help you. No one should do this alone. I had no family when I was your age, my dad left and my mom was never home. My family are the people who work here in this hospital. I met my husband here, and found my daughter and sisters here. I even got brothers. I will be your family, I´ll be the annoying sister who thinks she is the boss of you because she is older, until your family gets here. And then I´ll be your friend if you want me to." She kissed my forehead and left the room.
I let the tears flow down my cheeks.
Within half an hour the toxic substances flowed through the IV into my body.
Just graduated from Whalton. At age sixteen I had many choices in life. I could do everything I wanted. Ready to do what I wanted. And now I'm probably dead before I´ve done something with my life.
I lay in bed, thinking how this could have happened to me. What did I do wrong? I helped people who needed my help, was kind to all.
If I found out sooner, would it have mattered? I had a slight headache but I thought it was the exam stress, until I suddenly fell over during the last track meeting.
It took some time before the first symptoms of the chemo showed. But when they were there, I started to throw up everything I had eaten the past two years. Dr. Grey didn´t leave my side for more than a bathroom break or a short conversation on the hall. The nurses came in a few times to help but Dr. Grey was the one who took care of me. Who held me, brushed a cold washcloth over my face.
Then, after what felt like an eternity but was only three hours, the worst was over according to Dr. Grey. I let myself fall back into the pillows. Dr. Grey put my bed flat with the remote. Brushed her hand through my hair. "Do you need some meds for the nausea? Or for the pain in your hand."
I bend my fingers, the IV hurt but it was manageable. And I didn´t think I could throw up anything because I never felt so empty. "I´m okay."
Softly she kissed my forehead and handed me a phone. "I know you´re tired but before you go to sleep, try to call home. I know it didn´t work these last few hours but try again for me please. Do you want me to stay? "
Tired I shook my head. "I´ve got it."
"I'll be back in fifteen minutes. If you need me call one of the nurses. I'm just going to take a shower okay? "
"Dr. Grey," I whispered with a raw, she looked at me. "Thanks. For everything. "
"No problem Allie. And you can call me Mer."
"Mer?"
"From Meredith. If you´re going to be here for a while, why better call each other at our first names." She smiled at me before she walked out and closed the door behind her.
My hands trembled as I called the number for the umpteenth time the last few days.
"Tracy residence. Speak and you will be heard." My twenty-two year old brother answered with his usual greeting.
"Hey Gordo." I said my voice raw from throwing up.
"Alan. Is it okay if I call you back tomorrow? We just got back and I'm really tired. Hear from you later!" even before I had the chance to say something the call was ended.
With a sigh, I began to enter the next number. Scott's mobile. He rang three times for the voice mail sounded. He should have refused the call because normally he rings more often. "This is the answering machine of Scott Tracy. There is no point in leaving a message behind because I won´t listen to it. If you really want to tell me something imported. You can call me back later." There was a beep and I decided it was better to try than do nothing at all.
"Hey Scooter, with Alan. Would you please call me? I'm in trouble. Deep trouble. I ... "I took a deep breath before I continued." I need you, I can´t do this alone. Please."
Next was John. "Hey Allie, I'll call you tomorrow. I'm about to take a shower. Bye" that was it. I hadn´t said a word.
I hung up and tried Virgil's mobile. This had the same result as Scott. "Virg, this is Alan. I'm in trouble. Very deep. Please call me back. I need you. I can´t do this. Just call me back okay."
That leaves dad. After ringing twice there was an answer. "Jeff Tracy."
"Dad." I sobbed. All the commotion began to overtake me. Completely exhausted from the chemo and all the emotions, I barely managed to hold back the tears, but I knew it wouldn´t last long. Finally I had someone on the line and hopefully for more than a few seconds. "Dad, I need help." I brought out.
"Alan whatever it is take care of it yourself. You're a big boy now and I can´t be there for you all the time. Try to work it out yourself and I'll see you in a couple of months for your birthday on the island." There was some noise on the background. "Oh and leave your brothers alone. They're busy enough with the business, if you know what I mean." There was a smack when the Phone was smashed on the table. Horrified, I looked at the phone.
Within a few seconds, it was taken away from out my hands and Mer crawled next to me in bed. "Allie, I'm so sorry." Was she crying too? "I should not have listened but I came back and ..." her voice trailed off. I buried myself in her embrace.
"I knew it." I whispered.
"What?" She asked surprised.
"I didn´t have to call. Work always comes first. Why do I keep trying it? they have no time for me even if I had to say something importuned, they never listen. They weren´t at my graduation, never at my school performances, why should this be an exception?"
"Believe me, tomorrow when they call you back, they will feel bad about it. For now it´s enough for today. You need to sleep." She wanted to climb out of bed but I hold onto her hand.
"Could you ..." I stopped. "Never mind, it's stupid."
"Alan, you can ask me anything."
"could you… could you stay with me? I don´t want to be alone." I asked in a small voice. She nodded and lay back, pulling me close. "Can you talk to me?" I asked.
"About what?"
"Doesn´t matter. Tell me about yourself. "
"Uhm ... I'm almost thirty years. Married to Derek the neurosurgeon here and we have a daughter Zola almost two years old, she is now with my sister Lexie visiting my father for a week. I grew up here, in the corridors of this hospital. My mother worked here. Lexie works here too and she has a weird on and off relationship with Derek's 'brother' Mark, who is known as the male whore of this hospital. My best friend is Christina, Dr. Yang. She's my ´person´, that´s what we call each other. My boss is Dr. Bailey, better known as the Nazi and two other friends who live in our house are Alex and April, ow and there Avrey who lives elsewhere. Izzy and George lived with us a few years ago but George has had a bus accident that he didn´t survive and Izzy disappeared after her divorce with Alex. Alex has had really bad luck in his life and is trying to pretend he doesn´t care about the world. But he´s the best pediatric surgeon there is, he fights for his patients and fights even harder for the people he sees as family. He is often on the children's ward, you´ll probably run into him here. April is the most cheerful person in the world, Avrey has like me a few of the famous surgeons in the family. Arizona and Callie are in a relationship and have a daughter, Mark is the biological father and the biological mother Callie. Chief Webber…"
Listening to Mer I fell in a peaceful sleep.
Well what do you think, should I continue?
xoxox flora