Fearlessly Fearful

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

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Any mistakes that lie within are my fault, I didn't get a chance to give this to my beta, but I checked it over a couple times and hopefully caught everything. Enjoy! (Most updates won't be as quick, seeing as I do have a life outside of writing, kinda, but I will try to get them to you as often as possible.)

(Opa is German for Grandpa)

Chapter One – WTF

Once I managed to remember to breathe and my panic attack seemed to have abated, I realized, this was the first time in a very long time; I had been so close to anyone.

Sure, I get the occasional hug from family, but other than that, the last stranger I had this much contact with, had to be years ago. Landon was the last person to hold me, kiss me and even though he wasn't a stranger, since I had known him for years, we had drifted apart and then after ten long years, we had reconnected, briefly. So he wasn't a stranger, but for that long in between it was almost like it, for a few minutes…

And to round out this new experience, I lurched away from him and almost fell flat on my face. "Damn, if I'm going to fall for someone, good thing I choose the Greek God…"

I hear a chuckle above me and my eyes instantly dart to his and I realize in that moment, I said it out loud. "What The Fuck, where's my filter."

His chuckling alerts me to the fact that I once again said that shit out loud. Damn it!

"Can we just pretend I didn't say anything?" I ask, as my blush infuses my cheeks with even more color.

"We could, but what would be the fun in that?"

The twitch of his lips draws my eyes and I can't help but stare longingly for a few heartbeats. What I wouldn't give to feel passion again, feel desired…

"Can I give you a ride home?"

"It's really not that far from here, I can walk." I tell him; even though leaving his arms is the last thing I want to do.

"Still, I'd feel better if you allowed me to escort you home; I'd hate to see anything happen to you."

It really doesn't make a difference, so I nod my head in acceptance. No sooner had I agreed than we were swiftly moving towards his vehicle. Damn, he's fast!

As I give him my address I notice that twitch of his lips again, for a moment, I'm disconcerted, but then he speaks. "I know the place, I just moved in on the ground floor, apartment 104."

"When did you move in?" I ask.

"This morning, I finished setting everything up and decided I would check out the waterfall everyone was talking about."

I feel heat in my face again and know I am blushing but can do nothing to stop it. "When did you get to the waterfall?"

Almost sheepishly he replies, "A couple hours ago."

I knew my blush was getting worse, but before I could think of anything to say, he was pulling into the parking lot, beside my vehicle.

"It was nice to meet you Bella."

"You too Jasper, welcome to the neighborhood, hope you enjoy it here."

Before I can embarrass myself anymore, I lurch out of his car and run into my apartment.

It is only after my door shut that I fully understand what happened.

I had felt attraction to others, but it was a basic, surface attraction, I hadn't felt the deep in my bones attraction since, well since Landon and before then it was Colm.

What I was feeling for Jasper seemed to eclipse all previous attractions. Damn, that's scary…

But really, it's only attraction, I don't know the guy, calling it anything but surface is blowing things way out of proportion. Sure he's good looking and that body… Keep on track damn it…

Finally feeling a little surer of my thoughts, I moved to my couch, no sooner had I sat than Sarsaparilla jumped on to my lap, demanding attention.

As my fingers dance through her fur, I'm drug back through my memories once again.

Why now damn it, why are my memories assaulting me now?

XXXXXX

It wasn't like I ever felt young, even when a child I knew things had to be a certain way, dad need me to be strong, I didn't want him to see how much it hurt to know that my mother never wanted me. He was hurting himself and didn't need my pain thrown in there too.

He was hurting so much; I almost lost him before I knew him…

And never once did he tell me she was horrible or wrong, he always tried to convince me to see her or talk to her, when she made the effort, but that was the thing, she didn't make the effort often, and even as a child I knew that wasn't right.

I've received one gift from her in all my years, and I don't think I have ever seen a card, I should know, I save them all and before I started, dad saved them for me. Truly, it wasn't about gifts or cards, it was about her acknowledging my life, but, she never did.

Sure, I could forgive her for her abandonment, I could even try to find love for her, but, in my childish thinking, I didn't think that was something I was suppose to try for, it should just be, it should be ingrained…

Dad never spoke poorly of her, although, as I got older and learned more, he could have, perhaps even should have…

I knew I had brothers, well half-brothers; all three of us had, have different fathers. Logan was older than me by two years, Jason was younger by two.

I don't have any memories of them until I was twelve years old, how pathetic is that.

As I said I was twelve when my dad finally convinced me to go and see 'that' side of my family, I didn't want to go, but to make him happy I went.

Logan and I got along well, Jason and I, it seemed had nothing in common and for some reason, I always felt he hated my existence.

The first day was okay, Logan and I had fun, Jason was there, but he didn't really interact with me. We went tubing down the river; it was a lot of fun especially considering water is like my second home, but even though, it felt hollow, like the emotions that family share that should be present, weren't or not completely, we were practically strangers.

It went as well as could be expected I suppose, I didn't have any familial feelings towards Susan; she was just this woman I didn't know, that 'my' family wanted me to know.

As my Opa always stated, "Blood is thicker than water, that woman is your mother."

Of course when he said things like that, my ire rose, it always felt like a personal attack and I would reply with, "Just because she donated some DNA and allowed her womb to be used, doesn't make that woman my mother, nor does it make her family."

And of course, that is where our arguments would begin…

The second day I was there, we lounged in Susan's room watching movies, it was the first time I saw The Birds, and loved it instantly. I loved the creepy nature of it all, I'm sure that is what sparked my love of all things horror-ish…

My brother's had gone to do something, I don't really remember what and that is when Susan tried to talk to me…

"Your father, he abuses you, doesn't he?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, flabbergasted. I'm sure my shock was evident on my face as well as my voice.

"Sexually, I know he does, tell me and I'll take you away from him so he can't hurt you any more."

"Listen lady, you don't know anything. You're bitter for reasons I can't even comprehend and you have the nerve to stand here and accuse the one person who has loved me like I deserve to be loved." I had heard people say they were so angry they saw red, but until that moment, I couldn't fathom it.

I didn't give her the time to say anything else; I informed her it was time for me to go home. Arrangements were made for me to leave in the morning, it wasn't soon enough for my liking, but it would have to do.

It wasn't like I could jump in a car and race away from the crazy she was trying to sell.

That night, as I lay in my 'bed', which was little more than a cot, across from Logan, I started to wonder how anyone could be that hurtful. It didn't take long for the anger to abate and a deep sadness to take over, my tears came quickly and without end it felt like.

Logan took me in his arms and held me as I cried. He tried his best to make me feel better, but what could have been a happy moment was ruined. I don't know why he did it but his hands which moments before were brotherly, were now inappropriate.

A minute, two at most and he pushed me away, for which I was thankful. It was as if the moment things changed my brain and body shutdown. It was only on my chest and above clothes, I kept trying to rationalize, but for the life of me, I couldn't understand why something like this was happening to me, again.

I curled up on the bed and let all my tears loose. I cried for the mother I will never have, I cried for the hurt my brothers actions caused, I cried because I missed my dad terribly and I cried for me and the hurt little girl who just wanted to be loved.

As soon as possible I ran from that house and never looked back. I wanted nothing to do with them.

And really, the sad thing was, from the moment I understood I had brothers, I wanted them in my life. I loved that I had a big brother who could protect me, and a little brother to share things with. I longed to love them, and then with all that happened, left me empty.

My brother was supposed to protect me from 'those' types of things and instead, it turned out, I needed to be protected from him…

Sass dug her claws in to my hand, letting me know none to gently it was time to let her go. I was so engrossed with my thoughts, I hadn't realized I had tugged her small, fury body to my chest, nor that I had dampened her silky coat with my tears.

"Sorry Sass," I tell her as I release her from my grip. Once on the floor she gives me the typical 'whatever' look and flounces out of the room, more than likely looking for her co-conspirators so they can 'cat talk' about the stupid human and her numerous issues…

And with that thought, I drag my tired ass off to bed, but no sooner do I reach to shut the light off, there is a soft knock on my door.

Grumbling about stupid people not knowing to leave me alone, I open the door, not even bothering to check and see who it is until my mystery guest sucks in a shaky breath.

"Bella, are you alright, what's wrong?"

Hmm, what an odd question, unless, nah there is no way he could have heard my inner monologue about the cats…

"What are you talking about, I'm fine." I say, with an edge to my voice.

"Sure, whatever you say."

The smugness of his tone irks me, but I am drained, it has been a long day. "Did you need something?"

"Actually, yes, I don't suppose you would mind lending me your plunger…I forgot to pick one up when I moved in."

"Yeah sure, hang on a sec, don't let the cats out."

I run to the main bathroom and just as I am about to leave, I take a quick look in the mirror and almost laugh. So this was why he wanted to know if I was okay, my face was tear streaked and my mascara had left dark trails in my tears wake. To wash my face or not, that was the question.

Knowing he has already seen it, I shrugged my shoulders, its been a long day and my emotional upheaval at remembering is just too much, so I decide to forgo and just get him what he requested.

Besides, if he couldn't love me at my worst, he most definitely doesn't deserve me at my best…

Oh CRAP, where the hell did that thought come from. However, the truth behind the thought could not be refuted.

Of course, believing and living that truth would most likely prove much more difficult.

"Here you go." I say wearily, my eyes are starting to do the shutter move, staying closed longer than open and my head feels likes it's doing the perpetual nod, I know I need to get in my room before I just fall asleep standing here.

"Thanks, I'll get it back to you right away…"

I cut him off before he can finish though, "No, that's okay, just bring it back tomorrow, I'm beat and going to bed."

He looked at me oddly for a moment and then a bright smile lit up his face before he kissed my cheek and closed the door to my apartment.

Okay, wasn't expecting that…Suddenly, my sleepiness was gone and I was WIDE awake.

Damn!

Best

Cheek

Kiss

EVER!

My cheek is still tingling when I crawl in to bed. My mind tries to reminisce over the kiss, but I know if I don't sleep now, it could be hours or days before I get the privilege again. Sleep claims me quickly thankfully, tonight, I'm sleeps bitch, and happily so.

XXXXXX

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