I startle awake to the sound of a baby crying. The sun streams through the upstairs hallway window of our Victor's Village house.
"You didn't know he was gone?" I hear Katniss' voice ask. "No, we're alright. I just found him in the hallway asleep." She pauses. "I don't know. He hasn't moved a bit, but he's breathing just fine."
I feel my heart start pounding in my chest, the baby's cries sound louder and louder just as they did the day she was born. I bury my face in my hands because I know it's all going to happen again.
"It's all right, Peeta," Katniss told me,red-faced and exhausted, right after the baby was born. "It's all over. I'm safe. We're both safe."
But Katniss had screamed, crying out for me to help her. The midwife tried to tell me it would be over in just a moment, but all I could think of was the arena. Then Katniss screamed again, and the baby started crying a moment later.
"Look," the midwife told us, "you have a daughter."
I did look, unfortunately. All I saw was blood, and all I heard was a crying that grew louder and louder. Something trashing around and crying. It's my fault. I wanted this.
"Peeta? Peeta?" Katniss said.
It was too late, so I ran for the door. Haymitch found me outside a little while later, cold and alone on the January night my daughter was born. He brought me to his house, where I've been ever since. He sat me in a chair by the fire and made me tea.
The crying has stopped this morning, though. Katniss is standing a few feet in front of me now. The baby is pressed up against her body making small noises. Her small hand reaches up and pushes Katniss' shirt up a little higher, revealing more of Katniss' breast. It's then that I realize Katniss is nursing her. My head turns curiously of its own accord.
"She's an easy baby," Katniss whispers. "She cries when she's hungry and sometimes when she needs a change, but she's happy most of the time."
I don't answer, instead watching as the baby's mouth moves rhythmically. She's at an angle where I can see what she's doing, but I suspect if she was turned a little I'd think Katniss was only holding her.
"I wasn't going to hurt her," I breathe out. "I just wanted to see her, and you."
Katniss nods, large tears falling down her cheeks almost silultaneously.
"I know you'd never hurt her," she says.
But I hurt you, I think. I don't say it. Neither of us wants to think about it.
"You were right, you know. About having a baby. I'm glad we did," she says as a sob escapes her. "Even though it's made it hard to be together, it was the right thing to do. I know you're going to be okay. When you are, you'll have what you dreamed of. You'll have a family."
I shake my head, not wanting her to continue.
"Talk to me," she says. "You always know what to say."
But I don't. Not anymore. Not right now.
The front door opens, and Haymitch makes his way up the stairs. He stares down at me where I'm still sitting on the floor. My attention is drawn back the baby, still suckling at Katniss' breast. Haymitch doesn't seem to notice the intimate moment. Maybe it's not a big deal.
"Let's go home, boy."
"I am home," I whisper.
"Well, you know what I mean," he says gently.
I do. He's right. Being "home" is too much of a challenge for me, but just being here for a few minutes might be alright.
"I only want to stay here a little while," I tell him.
"You okay?" he asks, clearly concerned. He looks over at what I'm staring at, then looks away quickly.
"Kind of amazing, isn't she Peeta?" Katniss asks, her voice clearly more confident now that Haymitch is here with us.
"Yes," I tell her. Perhaps Katniss is right, and no matter what happens to me we made the right choice in having a baby. We've given her a life, which is something we'd never had the opportunity to do for a person before. She is ours, something we made together. I only wish I could contribute to her life more.
"I want to bake her a cake," I tell Katniss.
"Uh," Katniss stammers. "Well, you know she can't eat it, right?"
I feel a chuckle rise out of my gut and escape, barely audible but pleasant none-the-less. "No, I suppose not. But I want to celebrate. Celebrate her," I pause for a moment. "her life. What I mean is, I want to celebrate that she's alive." I finish.
Haymitch shifts his weight, and Katniss purses her lips.
"Uh, okay. That sounds nice."
They don't understand that I'm still afraid. The day she was born I thought she was going to die. She looked like…
"I want to hold her," I blurt out.
Haymitch takes a step or two closer to me, then kneels down.
"Here," he says. "Take these, and we'll talk about it."
He reaches for my hand and opens it. Then he places a few pills in my palm, the kind that dissolve when you put them in your mouth. They make me feel funny, but I usually take them. Haymitch seems pleased when I pop them in my mouth. Then he stands up again and offers me his hand to help me get off the floor with my damn fake leg. I stand up, no doubt looking ridiculous. The pills will make me wobblier and probably sleepy. If I'm going to bake a cake today, maybe I should go and do it. But, I want to hold my daughter.
"Can I hold Daisy now?" I ask, hoping they were serious about letting me.
"You probably don't want to interrupt her breakfast, but as soon as she's finished you can," Katniss tells me. She sounds a little excited about the prospect.
Haymitch motions for us to come downstairs, and we sit in the living room. I don't sit next to Katniss and the baby. The chair directly across from them, from which I can see them better, appeals to me more. They baby keeps making sweet little noises.
"Does that hurt?" I ask Katniss. It seems silly that I don't know yet since our baby is four months old, but Katniss and I haven't been able to talk. Katniss is always with the baby, and I haven't been able to be near the baby.
"No. It did at first. Now it's kind of relaxing," she tells me.
Katniss reaches down and moves her hand around the baby's face. I can't see what she's doing. Then she pulls the baby away from her body and quickly pulls her shirt down in one swift motion. The baby doesn't move. I think she might be asleep.
Katniss pats the seat beside her on the sofa and looks at me with a grin.
"You still want to hold her?" she asks.
I move to sit next to Katniss, hoping I won't change my mind before I get there. Katniss must understand the necessity of striking while the iron is hot because as soon as I'm seated she passes Daisy into my arms. Not knowing how to hold her properly, I fumble a bit, but Katniss guides my arm so that it's positioned under her neck. Her body, legs, and arms lie on my lap. Katniss pulls my other arm around to rest on her back to hold her securely.
"There," Katniss says, sounding satisfied. "Then she rests her head on my shoulder and looks down at the baby."
I feel an indescribable joy. Daisy is the picture of Katniss with a little Mallark thrown in for good measure. She's beautiful, and now that I can see her close up I appreciate her delicate features even more. She's a peaceful little thing at the moment, though I know that she isn't always. She's a human being, a person. And, I love her. She can't be a mistake, no matter how hard it's been. I never really thought that she was, but when you can't be with your wife and family you start to wonder if somewhere along the way you made some kind of mistake.
"We did a good job," I tell Katniss awkwardly.
"Yes, we certainly did," she says with a light chuckle. "Just wait until you get to know her."
I start to tremble.
"You need to take her," I tell Katniss.
"You okay?" she asks, concerned.
"Yeah, it's just overwhelming. But good," I answer.
Katniss takes the baby out of my arms, and I immediately feel empty.
"I'm going to go back to Haymitch's place, but I'll come back. I'll…I'll call you first next time. I didn't mean to frighten you," I tell her.
"No, Peeta. The last few months frightened me. Not this morning. You just keep doing what you're doing. Everything's going to be okay."
I'm not sure I believe her, but I have to start somewhere.
"About that cake, Peeta. Don't feel like you have to do that right away," she tells me. "I know you must have had a rough night. Sleeping in the hallway couldn't be comfortable."
"At least I slept," I tell her.
She nods, "that's true."
I kiss her lightly on the cheek, "I love you," I whisper by her ear.
"I love you, too." She says, a stunned expression on her face. I guess she wasn't expecting a kiss. I look around for Haymitch, but he must have gone into the kitchen. So I turn back to Katniss and kiss her on the mouth even though I'm still trembling. I feel her relax as my lips move against hers. It's so familiar, yet it's been so long.
"Peeta," I hear Haymitch say, his voice coming from the side of the room nearest the kitchen.
I pull away from Katniss, resting my head on her shoulder for a moment to gather my nerves. My hand rests on Daisy's tiny arm.
"Uh, sorry," Haymitch stutters.
"I was just saying goodbye," I tell him. But it's not really "goodbye."
And today's goodbye really isn't sad because it's enough as long as I can come back. After all these years, I suppose we can come back after anything. I only hope I can hold onto that feeling through tonight.