((Chapter heading taken from End of the Dream by Evanescence.))

2. Follow Your Heart Till it Bleeds

Later, Thor would never be able to say what made him go after Loki to his quarters. Maybe it was guilt, maybe instinct, maybe it was whatever he had inherited from his mother that told him that he had to go whether he wanted to or not because Loki needed him. It also told him to enter when his knock was unanswered. The door was locked, but he overrode it with a command. And he froze in shock.

Loki had apparently planned to go to sleep, he'd dressed down to his briefs. But he hadn't made it to the bed. Instead, he'd crumbled to the floor, his fall cushioned by a soft rug at least. The spell that hid what he was kept itself up at night, Thor knew, but now it had fallen away, revealing the blue skin of a jotun. For a frost giant, he looked infinitely small and vulnerable, even though he was less than an inch shorter than Thor. Thor closed the door quickly and locked it to his voice only. He knelt beside Loki, and for a few moments he was afraid to touch him, afraid to feel no life in his form. Then he saw his chest rise and fall and relief so powerful it almost brought tears to his eyes flooded him. He couldn't lose him, not again, not now, not ever. Forcing his hand to be steady, he brushed his fingers over his temple. He was cool but not as cold as one would expect a frost giant to be. Gently, he picked up the unconscious figure and placed him on the bed and under the covers. With a sigh, he settled in a chair. He wasn't about to leave the room until Loki could maintain his magic again. If ever his secret came out, it wasn't going to be Thor's fault.

Loki stirred about three hours later. They must have their supplies already, since they had continued their journey. The green eyes opened, their colour even more pronounced in this form against the stark red of his sclerae. A groan escaped him and he moved a hand up, maybe to rub it over his face. He never finished the motion. Instead, he froze and stared at the limb as if it were a traitor, his mouth thinning. After a moment, he let it fall, still blue. He was obviously unaware of Thor's presence.

The God of Thunder cleared his throat and Loki jumped. 'What do you think you are doing here? This is my room. Get lost.'

Thor decided to simply ignore that. 'It's pretty warm in here, considering. You know.'

The disbelieving look Loki gave him was priceless. 'Since we grew up together, you might be aware that we hardly froze at home. It was always warm. The cold doesn't harm me, but I'm not used to it, and I don't like it, either. Now shoo. Or is it impossible to have privacy during one's spell of unconsciousness?'

'Loki, you were lying on the floor. You can't uphold a spell you've been using all your life. Something is clearly wrong with you, and I'm not leaving until I know what.'

'I didn't use it all my life, oaf, or I would hardly have been surprised to find out what I am. Father put a spell on me when he found me, and a bit after his death it faltered. I've been doing it since then, and I have to maintain it, other than him, it seems. But don't worry, it won't interfere with your plans.'

'Loki. I don't give a damn about plans. I'm worried.'

'It's nothing. I just overdid it a bit during the battle and trying to, you know, survive, and I didn't rest properly after. I need to recharge. That'll take a little time, but I'm going to be fine. And I'll be better once I'm on my own.'

'You really can't wait to get rid of me.'

'I'm not the one who can't stop saying how horrible my last remaining bit of family is. Ah. My bad. I'm not your family. Sorry, I keep forgetting how much you hate the thought.'

'Now hold it right there. I never said I don't want you to be my family. Just … not my brother.'

Loki made a dismissive gesture. 'Have you looked your fill, Thor? Enough to cement the fact that all I'll ever be to you is a threat? A monster?'

'You're not a threat or a monster, Loki.'

'Need I remind you …'

'Aw, shut up already. If you'd ever wanted to kill me, you could have done it. Easily. As for that snake thing, I trusted you completely when we were young, even after that. You could have murdered me any time and make it look like an accident. But you didn't. That can only mean that you never truly wanted me gone.' He smiled. 'Also, proceeding to heal me with shaking hands and muttering, "Don't die, don't die" kind of gave away that you never wanted to hurt me in the first place. I do remember that part, too.'

Loki opened his mouth and closed it. 'You're right.'

'What, you give up that easily?'

'I'm tired, Thor. Just tired.'

'So while you're being all honest, what is stopping you from recovering? It must be something.'

Loki's lips twitched. 'Why didn't you just rifle through the place? You would have found it. Since I can't even disguise myself, I doubt that illusion's still up.'

'I won't go and hunt down your secret. But I hope you'll share it with me.'

'Just open the desk drawer.'

'Loki.'

'Do it. Or do you think this is me trying to kill you after all?'

With an ominous feeling, Thor did as he was asked. Briefly. Then he slammed it shut and stared at Loki. 'You took the Tesseract. And you're keeping it in an unlocked drawer.'

'Yeah, you wouldn't normally see it. You'd see a very unappealing bit of stationary.'

'And what are you planning to do with it?'

'I have no idea. My first thought – I'll admit that – was to give it to Thanos to make sure he'll leave me alone. But there's a good chance he'll kill me anyway, and all the rest of you, too. So I wondered if I should tell you, if only because I realised that keeping it under any illusion is extremely difficult. Also it's messing with me, I think.'

'This isn't the place …'

'Maybe that's the best place. Because no-one will look for it there.'

'Fine. Are you still trying to get that illusion back up?'

'No. I'm trying to recover my strength.'

'Good.' Thor sat again, watching Loki closely. 'For a moment, I thought you were dead.' Unable to help himself, Thor reached out and caressed Loki's cheek with his knuckles. 'I'll leave you alone, but I'll lock the door to my command, just to be sure no-one manages to get in here. Tell me when you want to get out. And take care of yourself.'

Ϡ

When Loki woke up again, it was darkest night. It cost him only a split second to return himself to his usual appearance. He tried to make sense of Thor's concern and failed. He should have been appalled by what he'd seen. He'd known already, sure, but seeing was something else. Instead, he'd been nothing but protective. Even the fact that Loki had the Tesseract hadn't made him angry. It was … strange. You could be more, Thor had said. Loki got up and opened the drawer. Thor hadn't taken the Tesseract away. Well. They were both locked in. Bitterness filled Loki, something so very familiar. He walked to the intercom panel on the wall. 'You can release me,' he said into Thor's room's channel without preamble. He expected some evasive answer, but instead, there was only a brief buzz and the door opened. Loki could grab the Tesseract and vanish. He would be able to do it, and Thor knew that.

Like in a trance, Loki followed the corridor to Thor's room. He had his hands clasped behind his back and made sure no-one saw him. The door slid open on his approach. 'Reckless,' he said.

Thor was awake and at his desk, his good eye dark with weariness. 'What?'

'Not locking behind you.'

'It was locked. It only opens like that to a select few.'

'You're really making an effort to show you believe in me. Astounding, after what you said to me.'

'Necessary after what I said to you, since I can't unsay it.'

'I've got something for you.' Loki brought his hands to the front, offering the Tesseract to the man who wouldn't be his brother. 'I don't care what you do with it, but I just want to get out of this mess and hide.'

'Thanos will hunt you. You're safest here. We're not going to let him hurt you.'

'You really think you can protect me?'

'I will do all I can.'

'Thank you. Now take that damn thing and hide it. Don't tell me where.'

'Can't do that last. I'll tell you. Someone else needs to know, in case something happens to me.'

'Fine.'

'Loki, stay a bit. I'd like to talk about our mother.'

'Your mother, Thor. You don't want to be my brother, remember?'

'Frigga was your mother in all the ways that count, Loki. She taught you so well. I wish she could see you right now. She'd be so proud of you. And she'd tell me that she told me so. She never stopped believing in you, you know.'

'You're serious, aren't you?'

'I once told her … a very long time ago, that I admired you so much. I told you that, too, that I looked up to you. But I didn't tell you all of it. I admired your determination, that you didn't let anything stop you from getting what you want, even if it's not yours to take. And she told me … she told me I was wrong. There was one thing you wouldn't dare and that she couldn't tell me what. And that there was a secret, but once that one got out, a whole new world would open up to me. I never told her what was plaguing me, but I think she knew.'

'Vague much?'

'Loki, have you ever loved someone? And I don't mean mother. I mean … differently.'

Loki blinked. 'You do miss Jane that much, don't you?'

'Don't answer, then.'

'I … yes. I have fallen in love once, Thor. And I don't recommend it to anyone. It's a bad idea.'

'Maybe.' Thor looked at him with an intensity that was painful. 'The first time I felt like this, I was so very young. And I hated it. It seemed so wrong. I wished I had your devil-may-care attitude because it would help me go through with it. Then mother told me this and I never thought she knew what it was about. Now, though … did she know, Loki? It makes so much sense.'

'Yes. Mother always made sense. Unlike you. You're babbling.'

Thor chuckled. It should be infuriating, but apparently, Loki was past fury for the other man. 'Ah, brother. Did you really want to be my brother? I wanted something very different.'

'You wanted to fuck me, is that it?'

Thor flinched, the laughter gone from his face. Loki wished he'd remained silent. At least, Thor didn't kick him out but approached until he was within an arm's reach. 'I … yes. But that was hardly what was vexing me. I wanted … I wanted to be with you, Loki. I didn't want to be above you, I wanted you to be my equal. My partner.'

Loki swallowed. 'I'm dead. I thought I'd passed out, but I'm actually dead. You can't possibly be saying what I think you're saying.'

'Why not?'

Loki raised his arms. 'You thought Surtur killed me, and you didn't even find it in you to hug me when you realised I was really there. It makes no se…' Powerful arms had reached out and pulled him in, crushing him to Thor's chest. Loki's fingers dug into Thor's arms, more to stabilise himself than anything else, but the other man apparently took it as a rejection and released him. Loki wasn't about to let that happen. 'Is that all? Two seconds of touch are all I'm getting?' He sounded breathless even to himself. 'You got it right, Thor. I always wanted to be as close to you as possible. I thought something was very wrong with me. You know. Wanting my own brother like that.'

'Wanting. All you do is want me, then?'

'Why? Did you hope that you were the one I loved?' Thor didn't play along, so that could only mean he was genuinely hurt. That … wasn't what Loki had wanted. A smile tugged at his lips and he nudged Thor. 'Because you were.'

'Loki … can we please not play games anymore?'

'I won't change, Thor. If you truly love me, you won't try to make me.'

'No. I don't want to rule beside a sycophant. But I need you to promise me not to try to undermine me.'

'Will you believe me, if I make a promise?'

'Yes.'

'Very well.' Loki placed his hands on Thor's face. 'I promise you to be on and at your side. I promise you to tell you if you make a mistake. I promise you to protect you in any way that I can. And I need you to promise me to listen to me, too. Not do as I say, not necessarily, but listen.'

Thor covered his hands with his own. 'You have my word.'

'I can't promise you to stop being me.'

'I wouldn't want that. Someone needs to keep me on my toes.'

Loki leaned up and pressed his lips to Thor's. 'I can do that.'

'Loki … stay here.'

'And watch you brood over some boring papers? Thanks.'

'Truth now? I couldn't sleep. Kept thinking about you in that room all in blue.'

'Yeah, about that. Why didn't that at least manage to put you off?'

'Why would something so beautiful put me off?' Loki felt himself flush before Thor kissed him again. 'How much does it cost you to keep your true form hidden?'

'Extremely little.'

'You don't need to hide from me. You're always beautiful. This way and without the illusion.'

'The funny thing is, the other form … it doesn't feel like me. I've looked like a normal Asgardian all my life, this shape, this pale, gangly body, this is me. So I'll stick with this one.' He let Thor steer him to the bed and sat down on its edge. He watched Thor strip down to his underwear, and after a moment of hesitation, he followed suit. When Thor removed the patch over his eye socket, it startled him. 'That isn't really healing, is it?'

Thor made a face. 'Slowly.'

'Well, it was an unusual injury inflicted by an unusual foe. Now lie down.' He waited patiently until Thor had settled under the sheets. 'Do you trust me, Thor? Really trust me?'

'Absolutely.'

Loki covered the injury with his hand and let his magic flow, helping the skin to knit. 'I can't do more than this, I'm afraid. I wish I could give you your eye back. It's a shame losing something so beautiful.' He pulled his hand away and settled beside Thor, cuddling close to his warmth. It felt unreal, and Loki wasn't sure if he believed it was really happening. Maybe he would wake up alone on the floor. He listened to Thor's breathing become quiet and deep. He was certain that he was asleep when he uttered his admission. 'I want to be more.' Thor didn't answer, but maybe the small smile on his face became a little more pronounced.