No one has said anything since they all climbed into Jacks car. Not a word…not even one. Rose thinks this cannot be a good thing. They are going to fire her. They have finally seen how crazy and stupid and how much of a fucking mess she really is and they are going to fire her. That means back to the estates, she cannot afford her place if she gets fired. Well duh Rose…..you can't afford anything if you get fired. Stupid…stupid…STUPID FUCKING ROSE BRAIN! Look what you've done now! Ugh, I'm such a fuck-up, so fucking worthless I can't keep my shit together for an 8 hour fucking shift…at a COFFEE SHOP…with very few customers…AHHHHH! Get it together Rose! Jesus fucking Christ, pull your shit together…two panic attacks in like what 2 hours? The car slows to a stop along the curb and she sees they have arrived at Amy's house. That's good…she knows Amy's house…has been there many times…is…comfortable there. This will be easier if she is in familiar surroundings she thinks. At least that way when she gets fired she knows where the loo is to hide in and compose herself. They all get out of the car and shuffle along the paved walkway to the door. Still not one word…from anyone. Inside the house Rose heads straight for the living room.
"Tea, coffee, soda, beer, wine?" Amy asks everyone.
"No, thanks Amy I…I just…I just want to get this over with," Rose exhales in an almost whisper.
Rose has her arms wrapped around her stomach in an effort to just breathe and not vomit. Her head is down, her blonde hair curtains her face and she focuses on her shoes…no eye contact…she can't watch their faces as she tells them all how stupid she is…how she doesn't deserve to have friends or a job or a life of any kind really. She's not talked about this with anyone since it happened. Well anyone other than the courts, barristers, police and doctors… and even that was as minimal information as they would allow. Even her mum doesn't know what that happened with Jimmy. She moves to the large overstuffed chair that had become her spot when she's here. Everyone else sits on the couch across from her. Again, Jack is the first to break into the awkward silence.
"So Rosie how was work today?" he asks.
Her head falls further down and her hands come up to her face. Rory sees something…a line…no a scar…a really awful scar, starting at the middle of her skull and he tries to follow it but the rest is covered by her hair. "Rose...Come on Rose it's just us, look up please," Rory's voice is light and easy.
It's the same tone someone would use on a scared animal she thinks. Okay she fucked up…nothing new there, but Rose Tyler is a woman who accepts responsibility for her actions and this is no different. She raises her head and is taken aback by the looks on her people's faces. They don't look angry…more worried…concerned…definitely confused. No time like the present she thinks to herself. (Deep breath in, deep breath out) "Okay…well…I've umm…I've not really talked about this so…just…just let me get it out…all of it…then umm…yeah then if you have questions I'll answer what I can…okay?" Rose stutters out and they all stay silent but nod their heads in acceptance of her terms.
"I…uh…I don't really know where to start, so I guess the beginning yeah? But that is a lot and maybe you don't really need the back story but just the end result, otherwise we could be here for quite a bit. So…umm…maybe closer to the ending rather than the beginning? Yeah…okay…um…here goes," Rose says.
She tries, she really does. She tries to keep her head up, tries to make eye contact, tries to think of her posture…tries all the stupid shit her fucking therapist told her to do, but it doesn't help, doesn't work, doesn't make her feel better and she's just scared fucking shitless to talk about this. But her people are here, and even though she hasn't started yet as she said she was going to, no one has said anything as she asked of them. No one is pushing or rushing her. She thinks that's nice…these people…her people…maybe they won't hate her when this is over.
"Well…okay…um…there was this guy…and I was with him. He…uh…had some issues, but I was young…really young and stupid…so…so…so fucking stupid. My dad…he uh…he died when I was young and my mum…she …she wasn't doing too well with it and I wasn't doing too well with it…or her. I was angry…really angry that he was gone and I uh…I was just a terrible daughter to her and we fought all of the time and then I met Jimmy," she says, the words coming out jumbled and way too fast.
She knows she's babbling now, talking too fast and her throat is dry and she's probably not making sense but she can't slow down or it will clog her throat and she will choke on the words and then she will never explain her earlier behavior and then she will definitely get fired. So she rushes through it, babbling and not really making sense and jumping around shit in her timeline because…FUCK…it's just a lot…too much…so she just babbles on and hopes that they are following because fired or not she is not covering this shit again…ever.
So…dead dad, bad daughter, drunk promiscuous mum, high school dropout, no A-levels, Jimmy, drugs, booze, more drugs, more fights with her mum, moving in with Jimmy…Jimmy's friends…Jimmy's rules…Jimmy yelling at her, slapping her, punching her and umm…less nice things from Jimmy. Christmas, cops, hospitals, courts and barristers and restraining orders. Prison for Jimmy, rehab for her, "and now…um…well now here I am," she's says, sucking in oxygen so fast that she gets dizzy and sits back down…wait when did she get up…no…not important Rose…focus…people are here…still here. Rose knows she was crying, knows she looks like shit, knows there is mascara and tear tracks and snot all over her face and the sleeves of her jumper, but they are still here and no one has yelled or told her to leave. She takes the chance, brings her head up and before she can make eye contact, like her stupid fucking therapist told her to, Amy is on her; hugging her hard and crying?
Oh she's saying something…it's quiet but she's definitely saying something, "I'm so sorry Rose, so, so sorry that he did that to you. I love you and I think you're lovely and wonderful and not stupid in any way and…well all of that really."
Rory is next in the hugging and then they're both telling Rose that Jimmy is a worthless whack-job wanker and she is lovely and brilliant and all things wonderful. She thinks this is…well…new…and rather lovely. Now there is laughing…she is laughing and Rory and Amy are laughing and Jack…is so, so, so NOT laughing. Shit! That stops her laughing and her head is back down, eyes on her shoes, she knows that look on Jacks face. Its rage…she had seen it on Jimmy for years and now she recognizes it on Jack. He won't forgive her behavior, thinks it was in fact all her fault, she should have listened to Jimmy and he wouldn't have had to punish her, put her in her place, stupid…stupid…STUPID FUCKING ROSE BRAIN!
Jack is sitting across from Rose seething. He watches her stand and pace back and forth as she explains in as little graphic detail as she can manage with still being honest and she's crying. He sees the scar on her head, sees the scar across her abdomen when her hands start wildly gesticulating around in her attempt to make it through this without totally and completely FUCKING SHATTERING. He knows right then he cannot watch this. It's too much for him. He loves his Rosie and to watch her go through this, as much as he thinks she needs to, it's too much. The verbal assault of her descriptions of his Rosie being beaten and hurt in ways that even his brain won't conjure images to…no…it's just…it's too much. So he closes his eyes and just listens. Listens as she yells and screams about Jimmy and begs forgiveness for her behavior at work and please don't fire me and promises to not let it happen again…and she thought she was doing better and then something happened today…and she just…she doesn't know why it affected her and she's so, so, so sorry.
Jack knows Amy and Rory are hugging her now and saying all of the right things. He knows he should be there too but he just…he needs a minute. He thinks he hears them laughing, but the blood rushing in his ears is too loud to focus on anything else. He opens his eyes and focuses…he will be angry later…right now Rosie needs him and he will not let her down. He stands, breathes out and starts to walk toward Rose. It happens so fast Amy and Rory aren't sure what's going on. One minute they are hugging and laughing, the next moment Rose is curled into the smallest fucking ball Amy has ever seen a person get into, hands over her head, eyes screwed shut and she just looks so small and fragile and scared and…sad.
Amy looks at Jack who is walking toward Rose and is on him like a The Flash. She's pulling on his arm making him bend down his ear to her mouth. Rory is now hovering over Rose in a protective manner and trying to calm her down. "Jack! You have to get it together. Go into the loo and do not come back until you are composed. Look at her, now go to the mirror and look at you…fix your shit Rose needs you," Amy snaps at him.
Jack looks at Amy, clearly not understanding her issue, but she has that face on…THAT face…the one that says don't even fucking open your mouth, do as your told, do it now or they will be no safe place on this fucking planet for you to hide. Jack is not a stupid man, quite the opposite actually, so he does as he's told. He gets into the loo and looks at himself in the mirror.
"Fucking Hell," he mutters.
He splashes some cold water on his face and sits on the floor for a moment. No wonder Rose freaked out, he looked like he was going to kill someone…well he thinks he still may…no…not right now that is for later. He watches himself in the mirror, maneuvers his face into a less psychotic image and heads back out to Rose. He knows by the time he gets back to the living room Amy and Rory will have reassured Rose that she will not be fired. The idea that she feels like she would be or should be fired because of what happened today makes him feel ill.
Jack knew the day he hired her that there was something in her past, something that still affected her. He knows that body language, had seen it on himself at one time. Of course he doesn't know the particulars of Rose's situation. Well…he knows more now, but he knows the head down, no eye contact, voice barely above a whisper, too eager to please attitude that is tempered with the fear of not being eager enough to please and what the consequences of that would be. If anyone could understand that, it would be Jack. Well OK…Jack and his best friend Jon. They have been friends, best friends for 15 years now, bonding over…a…a…what? What would he even call it? A shared experience? A totally, completely awful, violent, torturous, painful, traumatizing…yep a shared experience.
They were both young, only just turned 18 and met on a train while exploring and traveling and just trying to find who they were. Jack thought Jon was just beautiful, still does actually, the most beautiful man he had ever seen, even if he was a bit naïve. They were both running. Running from the past, running from the future, hiding in the present and just living. It was fun…if not more than a little frustrating for Jack. He fell hard and fast for Jon. Jack loves everyone in equal measure. He doesn't believe in these lines that societies need to draw for people to follow. If he likes someone he likes them and if he loves them he loves them and he loves Jon. Then again, Jack has loved a good many people in his life. "The more the merrier eh Jack?" a distant memory floats through his mind of Jon entering their shared room aboard the train and finding Jack naked and tangled with the couple from two rooms down and the bartender. But that was before; before River and Davros and pain and torture, before Jack and Jon had to become men from the boys they were.
Shaking himself from his very maudlin thoughts and coming back to the present, he steps into the living room. Yes, he thinks; if anyone can understand what Rose needs it's Jack…and Jon...but he's not sure if he's ready to share yet. Whether that's sharing Rose with Jon or Jon with Rose he's not sure. Jack thinks they may be good for each other, has thought that for a while now; is still unsure why he has not introduced them. He thinks it's because he was hoping it would happen organically, naturally. OK…mostly he just doesn't want to share either of them with anyone. What happens when the two people he loves more than anything or anyone else decide they love each other? Where does that leave him? Being honest, at least with himself, he knows neither of them love him in the same way he loves them and that's okay too he thinks. They DO love him and he can get laid anytime...just not with either of them. He comes around the corner from the hallway and sees Rose.
Jack stands there for a moment looking at Rose, not wanting to frighten her again…never again. She brings her head slightly up as she hears him round the corner and is not making eye contact, but focusing on his shoes. It won't be her who makes the first move and he knows that. Slowly…so, so, so, fucking slowly, he starts to move towards Rose. She doesn't move, isn't breathing and is standing so very still as he reaches her. Jack is close enough that the toes of his boots are touching the toes of her pink chucks. Using his one finger he hooks it lightly under her jaw and raises her face to his. Her eyes are screwed shut and her lips pursed and she is barely taking in breath through her nose. With his other hand he very gently places it on her cheek and softly rubs back and forth across her cheekbone with his thumb and then…he waits.
He waits for Rose to understand that she's safe, that he's not angry with her, waits for the click in her brain that helps her to understand his touch is out of love and concern and friendship. He waits as she starts breathing through her mouth instead of her nose, as her form becomes less rigid and more soft, shoulders losing some of the hard tension, legs relaxing just enough that one knee is slightly bent…and he waits. Waits for her eyes to open…there they are, waits for her to raise her vision to him…there she is and now he just waits. He will give Rose all the time she needs to understand that he loves her.
She still will not make direct eye contact but she has leaned forward ever so slightly. This is something he knows. Jack knows comfort, both the giving and taking, this is familiar...safe and he can do this for her. He removes the finger under her jaw and wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her in. She needs this…needs him…not in the way he wants her to but that's OK, because he can be this for her…the way Jon was this for him…after. He spares a brief thought to wonder who did this for Jon…after. But it's a fleeting thought; he needs to stay focused and here in the present…for her…his Rosie.
Everything happens so fast for Rose. One moment she is laughing in relief that she got all this out and they are still here…still her people. There is hugging and whispered words of love and comfort from Amy then Rory and more laughing and more words then…there is just Jack. The look of rage and horror on his face. The blackness in his once blue almost violet eyes and she can't look, can't handle it, is suddenly 16 again and that is no longer Jack in front of her it's Jimmy.
Jimmy the first time she made him angry. Jimmy the first time he slapped her. Jimmy the first time he…well the first time for everything that happened with Jimmy. She curls into herself, protecting her body as best she can and she is shaking. She hears Amy tell Jack to go to the loo and a brief thought of how weird it is that a grown man has to be told to go to the loo rushes through her mind. Then Rory is spread over her like a blanket. A warm fuzzy Rory blanket of safety and comfort and she allows it; allows him to pull her up to him and hold her. Soothing sounds and comforting words…she's breathing again and her eyes are open and she's not in Jimmy's flat and she's not being yelled at and she's not being slapped or punched or kicked or…or…well just or.
"Rose?" its Amy and she's using that delicate voice again.
Rose wants to hate it, that voice that tells her she's sad and pathetic and so, so, so fucking stupid that they have to handle her like a small child. She doesn't hate it though, doesn't feel like they are patronizing her, doesn't think they are just trying to calm her down so they can get the fucking crazy girl out of the house and their lives. Rose turns out of Rory's arms and into Amy's. She hugs Amy back, tells Amy she's sorry she's such a mess and she's so thankful to have friends like her and Rory.
Amy is rubbing her back, holding her close and telling her that she has nothing to be sorry for, life is shit for everyone and, "We all have shit Rose, if you don't then you're either a Nun, a Monk or fucking dead," she says.
Laughing, Rose is laughing at that and the tension is subsiding in the room and in her body. Jack comes around the corner then. He's moving toward her and a small part of her brain knows he's moving slowly but to her it seems fast, so fast that she thinks she may have whiplash by the time she is hugging him.
"Emotional whiplash," she states into Jacks chest as he's holding her, "Is that a real thing do you think Jack?"
He's just so fucking relieved that she isn't pulling away, that she isn't scared of him, that she has somehow managed to put the pieces of herself back together enough to be her again.
"I'm…" she starts, but he interrupts her.
"No. No Rose, do NOT apologize, not for that and not for this. I love you. WE love you and are here for you. You're not alone Rose, never again," he states firmly.
Jack sighs as she sags against him completely exhausted and whispers, "thanks," in the smallest fucking voice he's ever heard.
He wants to break with her, wants to fall apart together and mesh their shattered pieces into one whole person. He thinks of Jon now. Jon never broke, he never shattered and he never came back together either. As Jack stands holding Rose, years of memories flash by in mere seconds. Jon coming back for him after he escaped. Jon caring for and nursing him back to health. Jon cleaning wounds and making homemade stitches. Jon feeding him, cleaning him, holding him through the nightmares both while asleep and awake. Jon grabbing his hand in the basement they are trapped in and whispering "Run, Now Jack RUN!" and they did and Jon never looked back.
Jack sees himself on the train to London with Jon, terrified and sobbing, begging Jon to forgive him, begging Jon not to abandon him when they got home, such a fucking mess. He remembers being in London with Jon, real jobs, real flat with carpets and doors and windows and rent. Always Jon, always there when he needed him to be, holding him when he can't repress the memories anymore, cleaning up his vomit when he was too weak to do it himself, making his excuses to bosses and friends and girlfriends and boyfriends about why Jack can't come out to play today.
In all these memories, Jon is there for him, always there for him and for the first time In 15 years Jack realizes he was never there for Jon. He's never held Jon while he cried and screamed from nightmares…did Jon ever cry? He never sat by his side while the terror of what they lived through wracked his body with dry heaves because there wasn't even bile left to come up. It was always Jon taking care of him, being there for him, making him better, slowly putting the broken pieces of Jack back together with homemade tape and stitches. Jon ever so gently easing Jack back into a world that he didn't feel part of anymore until Jack became almost human again; passably human enough to exist.
Here…right now…14 years later holding onto another broken life…Jack realizes for the very first time…he's OK. His nightmares left years ago. He doesn't dwell on or really even think about the past much and when he does it's almost like a movie now. It's like a sick, twisted concoction of somebody's imagination to be played out on a screen. This is…well this is just…new and good Jack thinks. He's finally moved on. He's finally better. Jon made him better. He thinks now that he's been selfish with Jon, thinks that he will always need him, always love him, but needs to let go. Jon will never move on from him and he doesn't want him too, but he wants to see him happy. Really, finally happy and Jack cannot give him that, so Jack thinks it's time.
It's time for him to share his toys. With that thought he hugs Rose tighter, lays a kiss on the crown of her head and says, "Rose, I have a friend I'd like you to meet. Not right this moment of course, but when you're ready to bring in a new person there is someone you should get to know."
Jack looks at Amy and Rory and they both smile at his comments because they know too, it's time. They know Rose and Jon both, have known Jon longer of course, but know Rose better…closer. They have told Jack many times to make to the introductions, told him these two people were made for each other.
"They would be so cute together Jack, think of the beautiful babies they would make," Amy laughed as she said it.
He thinks as this memory flutters by that she was right. Well...he thinks Amy usually is. Jack's been selfish with both of them. Scared once they found each other they wouldn't need or want him, but he knows that's wrong, knows Jon will never leave him completely and that he deserves to be happy and so does Rose. They deserve to be whole and happy and at peace and he is going to make that happen.
Jon enters the flat he shares with Jack, tosses his keys and wallet in the dish on the table next to the door, throws his jacket on the coat rack in the hall and makes his way to the living room. The flat is still dark so Jack's not come back yet, he wants him to be here right now, wants to know what happened today, needs to understand why that giggle, gasp, choking sob like sound Rose made is still echoing through his mind. Jon needs to know why she made that sound. He doesn't know why he needs to know, he just does and it's driving him mental that Jack is NOT FUCKING here in this flat, which they share…still.
"Is that weird?" Jon says out loud to himself, "Yes," he says again to himself.
Two men in their 30's who are on the better side of wealthy and are NOT sleeping together sharing a flat is definitively weird, but he's weird so maybe that's okay. Rory and Amy don't seem to think it's weird and Jack certainly has made no effort to either move out or ask him to, so maybe this kind of weird is okay? Jon thinks he probably shouldn't be alone, knows he's rubbish by himself and always has been.
They tried…him and Jack when they first came back to London. Tried to live separately, have their own lives apart from each other. Jon was alright, "I'm always alright Jack," good days and bad days, but that's life right? Everyone is fucked up and everyone has shit they carry with them. Yes, Jon was alright after…but Jack…Jack was a mess and needed him. Needed Jon to be the strong one, needed Jon to be the one to use strips of tape and handmade stitches to try and piece Jack back together. So he did and Jon thinks that while making Jack into a whole living person again, maybe he was able to fix some parts of himself too. Eventually the relative insanity of a life in London just wasn't working. It was too loud, too bright, too much of…everything. So they left London and the memories behind and moved to Cardiff.
A new town, new people, new Jon, new Jack, new…everything. Jon entered University and Jack…well Jack did what Jack does. He found people…amazing people sometimes but always transient, never long lasting…only him…only Jon was a fixture in Jack's life and the reverse was also true, except it wasn't not really, there was Donna. Jon had tried to shake her off with the rest of his past but she just wouldn't go away and he laughs at that thought…God, he loves that gir…err…woman.
While Jack was out meeting new people, making new…um…friends? Is that what they were? No, Jon decides not friends, conquests? Yes conquests…While Jack was um…uh…conquering, Jon was putting as much attention as he could into his studies. Any time not spent taking care of Jack was spent rushing through as many classes as he could as fast as he could. Jon is brilliant. Insanely intelligent, always was. He knew from a very young age that he was far more intelligent than most if not all of his instructors in school. So, testing out of whatever classes he could, he rushed his education gaining his doctorates in a record amount of time and set out to start his new life.
By the time he was 24 Jon had two doctorates and a stable job. He and Jack had a posh flat, new cars, clothes, friends…kind of, but not really and a whole new life. Jack was always out, always bringing home men, women, or both; always trying to get Jon out: out of the office, out of the flat, out of his clothes, out of his own head.
"Come on Doc, she's really cute and nice and fun, you could do with some fun," so he went to the bar for the blind date Jack had set him up on.
He hadn't been on a date in years, even longer since he'd been intimate with anyone…not since…well not since before and never after. He did try though, with Astrid. He wanted to be normal, wanted to be touched and wanted to touch and he really did try. Several weeks after their first meeting at the bar, he had seen Astrid a few times. Jack was right, she was cute. A petite blonde, green eyes, great legs and she was nice.
"It's Okay Jon, slow is fine," she told him after he shied away from kissing her, and she was fun, "Oh Jon," she'd giggled, "No One will ever know it was us that TP'd the dorm."
"I'm a professor here Astrid, this is where I work," Jon replied sharply.
"Yes Jon and you are at least 15 years younger than the rest of the professors here. It's okay to have fun. You're young, foxy, brilliant, sweet, funny and I…I really want to be with you," Astrid said, running her hand along his cheek.
So he tried. He tried for her and he tried for Jack because it's what real people do right? Have a life; share a life with someone, someone more than their pan-sexual but COMPLETELY platonic best-mate? So he tried…and he failed. Several months (7) into the relationship with Astrid, she made it very clear that she'd had her fill of slow. There had been some kissing, some heavy petting and Jon had tried to make it good for her. But now she was done with slow, done with waiting and done with making out like awkward teens who just discovered sex. So, trying to be normal, wanting desperately to just be a FUCKING NORMAL HUMAN BEING again, Jon stopped on his way home from the University and bought a box of condoms.
Jon tried to do this right for her, made a whole production of the evening. Posh restaurant for dinner and dancing, posh bar for drinks and more dancing, hand holding, sweet whispers…though he's less sure about those, walk through the park on the way back to his posh shared flat, where there is more wine and roses waiting for her in his (Jack's) room. He'd thought he was ready for that. It's not like he was a virgin…he wasn't…it had just been a while. Before River and Davros and that year that he likes to pretend never happened he was normal. He was just a normal young bloke doing normal young bloke things, which of course included sex. So no, he was not a virgin…just out of practice. From 15-18 years old he made Jack look like a Monk. He could not count the amount of women and the one man that he had been with before the year that never was and sex was like riding a bike right? Doesn't matter how long it's been you never really forget how to do it...right?
Well…no. Not so much like riding a bike. It was more like trying to get on a too tall unicycle with all the finesse of a newly born giraffe actually. He was clumsy, sweaty, breathing very hard and not in the, "look what you do to me," kind of hard breathing…more, "please put your clothes back on and take me to hospital because I think my heart is coming out my throat and I can't breathe," kind of way.
Right there…in the middle of his kitchen reaching into the cupboard for tea, Jon snaps back to the present. Pulls himself from his memories of Astrid and his failed attempts at relationships since then and reality reasserts itself around him…..and he is so fucking stupid! Jon replays the events at the shop from earlier. He closes his eyes and focuses on Rose… just Rose. He is desperately trying to block out everything else from the scene playing in his head. He sees just her now, just Rose, the smile that's not quite real and not quite fake, the momentary eye contact before she hides herself away and the small laugh she lets loose as she flirted? Is that what she was doing? He wants to think so and that stops him completely.
Does he want Rose to flirt with him? He doesn't really know her. He's asked Jack many times to make introductions, has been told by Amy and Rory how wonderful she is, how they think him and Rose would be great together.
"As friends, just friends Jon, we know you don't do relationships. Are you asexual? I've never seen you with anyone? I mean, we don't mind, no judging here, nope no judginess from us," Amy had said as she smiled at him and he believed her, they weren't judging him, just curious and who wouldn't be.
He's in his mid-thirties, good job, good flat, he's fit; well...he thinks he's scrawny, lanky and rather nerdish. Okay…he's been told he's rather fit even Amy and Rory have said so, "In a very geek chic, porcupine hair, I just had my favorite puppy kicked kind of way, but there has to be someone out there that's into that. I mean it takes all types to make the world go round Jon, just look at Jack. Look at Amy and me. The secret is to find someone who is equally fucked up, equally broken inside. We all have shit Jon, we just have to find someone who can handle your shit and who you can handle theirs," Rory had told him.
He doesn't know why Jack hasn't introduced him to Rose. Jack talks about her all the time, relays stories of her from the shop or on nights when he manages to drag her out. Jon knows that Jack is very fond of Rose, thinks he may even love her. The first two years that she worked at the shop without Jack introducing them wasn't really an issue for Jon. He just assumed that it was because he was gone so frequently. He was traveling for work and did not really have time for friends beyond Jack, Donna, Amy and Rory. He's been home now for a year and he still hasn't gotten the introduction though.
It bothered him at first that Jack refused to allow him to meet Rose; that he kept that part of his life from him and Jon didn't understand why. Eventually he just asked Jack what his issue was. Jack told him very honestly that he just wasn't ready for them to meet. They were the two most important people in his life and it scared him that something would change once the two's became three's.
"Jon listen, I love you, you know I love you. I'm not trying to keep this part away from you. I just need to keep this part to myself for a little while. Rose is…special. She's not like other people that I bring around," Jack had said to him.
"Jack, this is absurd. Are you worried I'm going to steal Rose from you? Because…let's be honest here, I'm really not a Lothario or a Casanova," Jon had replied sarcastically.
Jack stood there silently. His hands in his pockets, eyes cast down toward his shoes and so quietly Jon almost couldn't hear him he said, "No Jon. I know you would never steal her, but I'm afraid that I'll give her to you and then lose her completely."
Jon had no clue what he meant or how to respond to that so he said, "Yeah…yeah okay Jack, whenever you're ready."
That was just over 6 months ago and Jon hadn't made mention of it since. He was at the shop every day. He saw her 5 out of the 7 days he went there and never once had she shown any indication that she knew who he was to Jack or Amy and Rory. That's definitely weird he thought. So, Jon being Jon…he just asked, "Amy?"
"Yes Jon?"
"Does Rose not know who I am?" he asked with curiosity.
"Well…depends on what you mean I spose'. She knows you're a loyal customer and she thinks you're hot," Amy said with her wicked grin and winking at him.
"What…What!? What?" he said rapidly, his voice reaching a ridiculously high pitch. It hadn't gone that high since that time in primary school when he was kicked in his…well …not since then.
Amy's smile was huge and a little scary actually as she looked at him and his floundering and heard his high pitched teenage girl I just saw Justin Bieber voice."Did she…um…did uh she say…that…to …um…to you?" he'd asked Amy with one hand worrying his wonky ear and the other shoved in his pocket.
"No," she replied, "But Rose is a babbler and a mumbler. She says things when she rants that I don't think she knows she's saying. She mumbles to herself while she's working and I just have fantastic hearing. When she was cleaning and clearly off in lala land mumbling to herself she may have mentioned the hottie professor or banker or real estate agent that comes in everyday, uses all the sugar and never says anything to anyone," she'd said amused.
"How…uh…how do you know she meant…um…me?" he'd asked.
"Well…I first heard her mumbling about it before you were back, you know…permanently. Then when you did come back home…well you'd come in everyday. She had this rant after you left one day because one of the new servers was complaining about some arsehole taking up her table staring at her bosses arse and tits but couldn't be bothered to clean up even a little her after 3 fucking hours of non-stop coffee service," she'd said and laughed...a lot."She's asked about you ya know?"Amy said still giggling.
"Yeah? No…I …uh…I didn't know that actually," he replied and he fucking blushed then…he could feel it. The tips of his ears were hot and it spread down his face and neck.
"Yeah, she's asked about you several times now, but we have been instructed that it's not time yet…for you…to…meet," she finished haltingly.
"Huh," was Jon's clever reply.
"You are so cute when you blush Jon…just afuckingdorable really," Amy grinned to him.
"I don't think that's a real word Amy, afuckingdorable," he'd replied with a small smile.
"Well, I just made it a real word and I'm going to contact Merriam-Webster and have them add it to the dictionary and it's going to have a picture of you blushing for the definition!" Amy giggled as she ran off stating, "That needs to happen rightfuckingnow Jon!"
Jon is just standing there now, in his posh kitchen, in his posh flat, drinking his posh tea; when did he make that? Every memory of every interaction with Rose and every story he's heard about her slams through him with a gale wind force. She's beautiful he thinks. The kind of beauty a person has when they don't know they are beautiful. She's always smiling at the customers; even if it is a not quite real, not quite fake smile, and she's always willing to help…well…everyone he thinks. Stay late? Sure. Come early? Sure. Work every day till I can get a decent staff? Sure. "I'll do whatever you need Jack. I want this to be a success to ya know."
He thinks about her hair and how it's clearly out of a bottle, but she makes it work. How she's never in a posh get up, even when Jack takes her somewhere that she should be she's not. He's seen the pictures. Pictures…he wonders now if he could see them again…wonders if in the pictures she takes when she's out with her friends if her smile is real, if it makes her eyes light up. Her eyes…he's never seen that color before…it's like cinnamon but not…or maybe a lightly burnt sugar? She's definitely fit and he's definitely noticed.
She's all curvy and soft…and her skin is a very pleasant pink…not the alabaster white that Renee paints herself. It's a very light pink that is…perfect…goes perfect with her not quite golden but definitely more yellow hair. She wears a lot of mascara and kohl on her eyes, but he thinks it just makes the color stand out more. She's maybe in her early to mid-twenties…too young he wonders? But no, he thinks he's just cocked up enough that a woman his age wouldn't be willing to put up with him. Then all of the dissected pieces of her come back together in his mind. Her hair-yellow, her eyes-glorious, her smile-faint but no less lovely because of it and he thinks maybe he would like to try and make it a real smile. Jon wants to see her whole…a whole pink and yellow and lovely and beautiful person.
He wonders if maybe he can do that for her…and maybe if she can do that for him. He wants that…to be a whole person again and now he thinks, Yes, I do hope she was flirting with me today. He resolves himself to ask, beg and grovel at Jacks mercy to finally let them meet. Yep…he thinks he's ready for that, because he knows now, knows what happened in the shop with Rose. No, he doesn't know all the details. He doesn't know then when's and the whys, but he knows what that was today. The spark of recognition from his first attempt at being a real whole person with Astrid, that's what he saw today with Rose. A spark of life and the all consuming fire of her pain or guilt or whatever it is she carries within her, her "shit," as Rory had stated to him. He can do this. This is something he knows…intimately. He thinks he could fix her and she could very likely fix him if she and Jack would just let it happen.