My little brother watched me as I equipped myself for the cold weather I was going to face. He spoke up finally to say "Are you sure you want to do this brother?" I nodded and said reassuringly "I'm positive Onii-chan."Iceland nodded with a worrying expression on his face. I tied my sleeves and pants legs as close as I could make them with tightly woven horse hair. Berwald was a genius when it came to making materials like this. I tried to wear something that would conceal heat but at the same time would let me move around as freely as possible. My wrists and calves felt restricted from the horse hair but I could still bend my wrists and my knees.
I hugged Berwald and Tino. I kissed my little brother on the head and hugged him as tight as I could. I didn't know I was ever going to be back. I hope I would be back, if I did come back, I would not come back empty handed. I've never felt my brother hug as tightly as he did now. I ruffled his shiny silver hair before slinging a bag over my shoulder. This bag was my life line, metaphorically speaking. Well it could be literal, but that depended on how far I had to go.
I set out leaving those three people behind to chase after the most important person to me. I still argued with myself in my head as I walked outside of view of the house. Was him leaving my fault? Did I treat him so coldly that he wanted to leave? I did care about him. Did he not see that? Was it my fault? Or was it not my fault? I had to stop arguing with myself or else he could be right under my nose and I wouldn't even know it. Onii-chan always told me I did get to caught up in my own thoughts.
I hated the wind that was blowing the deeper I got into the naked woods. Spirits' voices whispered along with this wind. I wondered, was he going with the wind? Or was he going against it, like me? From where he foot prints were he was most likely going against the wind. The spirits' howls kept whistling in my ear. It almost became over whelming how many voices I heard at the same time. It didn't help that the snow on the ground was getting kicked up and hitting me in the face. Ages will go bye before this storm will calm down, or that what it will seem like.
The storms finally feel as the moon was high. I was hugging my knees to my chest as I sat close to my fire. I could see my breath with every exhale I did. With this time I thought and argued with myself. We didn't fight too often, what scared him away? Was I becoming creepy with the spirits and ghosts for him? It was my fault wasn't it? I finally agreed to myself it was me. I was going to apologize to him and ask him to come back.
The storm really tired me out. I pulled my scarf over my nose as I felt myself becoming drowsy. The air was dry, my nose drying out and bleeding was the last thing I need. I fell quietly asleep as I stared deep into the warming fire. I weird feeling of warmth came over as Mathias's face appeared smiling in my dreams. His face was so comforting and his smile made me feel like everything was okay in the world. My world is falling apart at the moment this dream is happening though. If this man was with me holding me as I was asleep, the world would be okay. He's one of the only comforting things I had that would keep me from fearing the voices in my head at night. He isn't here anymore, call me needy, greedy, or even selfish, but I need him.
Damn it Mathias…