Flashbacks indicated by a centered ~ SMK ~ and Bold Print. Lyrics are in Bold Italics and are centered to avoid confusion.

Written October 7, 2002

Love Me Now, Forever

Prologue: The Last Words You Said

Lee's Apartment

Thursday, October 29, 11 PM

"I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly. "Love me now forever,"

Were the last words you said to me ..."

She had stalked the room without fail every night for the last week now. Ever since that morning three weeks ago when she dropped him off at the airport, she'd barely slept. The news they'd received but a week ago had been devastating, and she hadn't been to work since. Her mother, her boys, no one could break through the wall of silence surrounding her. Why had it happened like it had? He'd promised he'd be careful.

~ SMK ~

"Just promise me one thing," her whisper broke the silence between them.

"Anything," he answered, repositioning himself to face her. His heart broke as he saw the single tear that had escaped her eye.

"I want you to be careful."

He smiled crookedly, knowing what she was really asking. He brushed the tear that had now made its way to her cheek. "Always. How could I not be? I have so much to come back to now."

~ SMK ~

Her mind went back to that morning against her wishes . . . she didn't want to remember what it had felt like to say goodbye!

~ SMK ~

One final embrace as the last call came over the loudspeaker for his plane, and she whispered in his ear, "I love you."

"I love you, too. Love me now, forever?"

She looked into the hazel eyes, eyes as familiar to her as her own, and smiled. He would know she would.

~ SMK ~

Chapter One: I Still Hear You Whispering ...

IFF Bullpen

Wednesday, October 21, 2 PM

"Somewhere in time I know, Darling you'll come back to me. Roses will bloom again, but Spring feels like eternity . . ."

Amanda King and Francine Desmond strolled into the bullpen, happy that they'd managed to crack the case they'd been assigned to together in Lee's absence.

"I can't believe you actually went up to that dockworker like that, Amanda!" Francine joked.

"Well, we had to, or we never would have found out that D'Andrews was involved after all."

"I hate to admit it, but you were right, Amanda. He was the last person I would have suspected, but you knew all along that there was something fishy about him."

"Well, it was just a guess. Something about him just wasn't right, that's all."

Francine shook her head at Amanda's show of humility, glad only that she'd finally made the other woman smile.

Not that Amanda hadn't smiled in the last two weeks since Lee took that assignment, but the times she did smile, it would never quite reach her eyes. Now, her eyes showed her pride and happiness at the compliment she'd just received.

"Amanda," Billy Melrose's voice broke through the din.

Amanda spun around to face Billy, who was standing by his office door. The look on his face was enough to make her almost run to the office.

Once inside, Billy closed and locked the door, and pulled the shades. He didn't want any witnesses to what he knew was to come when he imparted his news.

"Sir?" Amanda finally asked once Billy finished his task.

"In your kiss it wasn't goodbye. You are still the reason why . . ."

"Amanda, I know you and Lee have grown . . . close in the past years, closer than either of you have let on."

Amanda stared at Billy, unsure if she was supposed to answer him or not.

Billy went on, "Amanda, there is no easy way to say this, but I knew you had to be the first one to know when I found out . . . There's been an . . . accident."

Brown eyes searched darker ones before Amanda sucked in a deep breath. "Lee?"

Billy's eyes closed as he sat down next to Amanda on the couch. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I never wanted it to come to that."

"He's . . ." she couldn't say the words. 'Please, just tell me he's only hurt, that he'll be alright! He was going to be careful, he promised me!'

"They found him last night . . . you know I can't tell you much more than that, Amanda."

'I can't cry. I can't cry here. Not here, not now. Out. I need to get out.' She thought of the discussion they'd had shortly before they had decided to keep their marriage a secret.

~ SMK ~

"That could be you one day, talking to strangers about your dead husband trying to unravel the truth about his death knowing you'll never find it."

"I know."

"Not your typical two career family huh? One of us might not come home for dinner. Ever. They've got Kai's little boy Amanda. That could be Philip or Jamie."

"I know."

~ SMK ~

Dead husband. Dead. DEAD. The words rang in Amanda's mind as she sat there and the tears she didn't want to fall made their way down her face.

Lee's Apartment

Wednesday, October 21

Evening

"I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room, my heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon . . ."

He was here.

He was dead.

And nothing made sense anymore.

After Billy had asked for what seemed the millionth time if she would be okay, and finally allowed her to leave the Agency, she had come straight here. To the place where many of her memories of her husband were. Where she could sit in peace and quiet and look at the few pictures of them as a couple, as a true couple.

Where she could be free of prying eyes wondering how she was holding up after the loss of her partner.

Her partner.

No one knew the half of what she was feeling.

Oh, Billy had a good idea that there was more between them than business and friendship, and she had admitted to Francine at one point that she was in love with Lee, but no one knew the full extent of their relationship. Not even her family. She couldn't tell her sons she was grieving for their stepfather because they didn't know that Lee had been that to them. They knew she loved Lee. Hopefully, that would be enough for them to understand.

As Amanda King, Agent, she could grieve for her partner. As Amanda King, mother and daughter, she could grieve for her boyfriend. But what about Amanda Stetson? How could she grieve when no one knew of her existence?

Long hours would pass before the phone finally rang out through the apartment, breaking her reverie. She heard the greeting on the answering machine, and her heart broke all over again. For it was his voice. And then that horrible beep cutting him off and allowing another voice to fill her consciousness.

"Hello, Lee, this is Dotty. I had thought that when Amanda didn't make it here in time for dinner that maybe you'd gotten home early and she was with you, but I suppose you're not back yet. I called IFF and they said she left early, maybe I'm panicking for nothing, but, I'm sorry, there I go rambling again, if you haven't come back yet just ignore this, then. Goodbye."

"I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly. "Love me now forever,"

Were the last words you said to me . . ."

Amanda blinked back fresh tears. She hadn't even thought of calling her mother and assuring her that she was okay . . . well, as okay as she could be under the circumstances, and she didn't even think she could pick up the phone and dial. The clock on the mantle accused her as she read the hands . . . midnight. Had it really only been ten hours since she'd found out that Lee was . . .

'No! He can't be. I'd have died too, wouldn't I?'

It was a fitful Amanda who finally fell into restless sleep several hours later, curled up on the bed she had shared with her husband.

Lee's Apartment

Thursday, October 22, 8 am

"And when the morning comes, my hands still reach out for you. Some things remain the same . . ."

Deep in her subconscious she smelled the coffee brewing, and reached over for Lee. Somehow she knew it was their bed she was in, but all she felt as she reached was an endless expanse of open bed. Finally she opened her eyes, and the reality hit her anew. He was gone. He wasn't coming back this time.

But why did she smell coffee?

She pulled herself out of the bed and cautiously made her way to the kitchen, where she found Francine Desmond pouring out two cups of coffee.

"Francine, what are you doing here? You scared me half to death."

"I could ask you the same thing Amanda King, or should I call you Amanda Stetson?" Francine asked as she carried the two cups over to the table. "You could have at least told me, but I suppose I can understand why you didn't."

"How did you ..." Amanda trailed off, leaving the question unfinished.

"How did I know? You left the evidence right on the coffee table, Amanda. I didn't know until after I got here this morning. I suspected you were here when your mother called IFF this morning frantic because you hadn't come home last night and you hadn't called. I knew that you were in love with him, but until I saw that piece of paper on the desk, I hadn't imagined it was mutual. I think I understand now why you burst out of the bullpen so quickly yesterday. Does Billy know?"

"No, we . . . we never told anyone, not even my family. They knew we were dating, but they never . . . we didn't think it was safe."

Francine nodded. "I had originally come here only to see that you were still in one piece, to ease my conscious for assuring your mother you'd been in the editing room all night, and that the phone was out in there. By the way, I also told her you'd call her when you get a free moment."

"Thank you, Francine."

"You're welcome. Although now, we're going to get you cleaned up, and we're going to sit down and talk. And don't try to even tell me you don't have a change of clothes here, I know better."

After Amanda's shower, the two women sat on the couch as Amanda told Francine about the relationship between her and Lee, about the months of married life, the interruptions they'd faced. About California. When Amanda told Francine how the honeymoon turned out, Francine actually shed a tear of her own at the unfairness of it all.

"The two of you have been through so much, and without telling anyone. I should have known, Amanda. I should have known during the Nightcrawler incident that there was more on Lee's part as well as your own. I'd known you had feelings for him, certainly, but . . ."

"We didn't think it was safe to tell anyone, Francine, not you, not Billy, for fear that our partnership would be broken up, and for our family's sake. Granted, I've made enemies of my own, but Lee was so adamant about protecting them, so worried that one of his enemies would use our family against us."

"Lee always was noble when it came to things like that," Francine remarked. "What are you going to tell your mother and the boys?"

"I don't know. I'll have to tell them that Lee is gone, I know that. But I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm so afraid that I'm going to break down while I'm telling them, and that they won't totally understand. How can I tell them that we were married now, after he's . . . how do I explain that I lied to them about that without telling them about the Agency? And if I tell them that, how can I ever expect them to forgive me for lying to them for the past four and a half years? If you were in their shoes, would you forgive me?"

"I don't know if I can answer that, Amanda. I'm not them. I can tell you what happened when I told my parents what I did for a living. They didn't speak to me for nearly a year."

"Oh Francine, that's horrible!"

"Well, I expected nothing less from my father. There were some good things that came from it. My mom and I are closer now than we were . . . before. But Amanda, your boys are not my parents. You are the one that taught me that no matter how similar the situation, there is always something that makes it brand new, and that there is always a different angle to look from."

King House

Thursday, October 22,

5 PM

"There is nothing I can do. I can barely get through the day ever since you went away . . ."

"Amanda, is that you?" Dotty West called from the kitchen the second she heard the front door open.

"Yes, Mother," Amanda called out, more quietly than she had ever done.

Dotty ran from the kitchen at the strained sound of her daughter's voice. One look at the red face was all she needed to pull the younger woman into her arms. "Don't try to deny it, what's wrong?"

"Oh Mother," Amanda sighed, still trying to hold back her tears. "Where are the boys?"

"Playing basketball with Kenny McCraven, why?"

"Can we sit down, please?"

Not wanting to deny her daughter anything at that moment, Dotty followed Amanda into the family room. "Amanda, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine Mother, it's just that . . ." Amanda took a deep breath, wondering how in the world she could continue when it felt every word was stabbing her in the chest. "Mother, something happened on the shoot Lee went on . . . there was an . . . an accident, and . . ." and she couldn't say it.

"Is Lee okay?" Dotty paused, and the silence in the room was truly deafening. "Amanda?"

"He's . . . he's . . . he's . . . I can't do this!" Amanda bolted from the couch and straight to her room, leaving Dotty sitting dumbfounded and alone in the living room.

"I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room, my heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon . . ."

The rare times he had been in this room with her all came flooding back to her. Yes, the first time he had told her he loved her may have been on the phone, but the first time he had said it to her face had been right in this very bedroom. That memory was as much a part of her as the memories that his apartment held.

~ SMK ~

"Amanda, I meant what I said on the phone. I just want you know that before I go . . . I love you. I have for a very, very long time. I just . . . I was just never ready to . . . you know . . ."

"I know."

Dotty's voice called from downstairs, "I'm coming. Amanda, I think those federal agents are here!"

"Now they're going to be up here in a minute."

"Now wait a minute. You can't just walk into my life, hand me a package, tell me to give it to the man in the red hat, tell me that you love me and walk out of my life again!"

Lee shook his head no as he leaned his head down and touched his lips to hers.

"Look, I'll get word to you."

"I'm going with you," Amanda countered.

"No!'

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Forget it! I'm going to a place so deep that you might lose your name, your way, everything. Now Alexi thought he had me today."

"I know."

"He won't miss twice."

"I know."

"Hell, I don't even know what he looks like anymore, I can't baby you out there!"

"You won't have to baby me. Look, I'm gonna watch your tail just like I always do. We work best together as a team and besides that we don't know what Alexi is going to do next, it might be dangerous for my family for me to stay here and I can't do anything to help them from an agency holding cell!" Amanda paused, looking deep into Lee's eyes and softening her voice as she finally said the words she'd been waiting for three years to voice, "And I love you too."

Lee's whole demeanor softened and he smiled, the largest smile that Amanda had ever seen on his face up to that point as she admitted her feelings for him. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he answered her. "I guess it's your tail too."

~ SMK ~

She lay down on the bed as more memories assailed her, and stayed there the rest of the evening, trying to comfort herself with her memories and ignoring the incessant knocking at her bedroom door.

"I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly. "Love me now forever,"

Were your last words to me ..."

Chapter Two: And the truth shall set you free

Lee's Apartment

Friday, October 30, 3 PM

"Heaven help us cross this endless sea, with starlight above to guide you to me . . ."

"Amanda, I know you're in there, please don't make me pick the lock," Billy's voice rang through the door between knocks.

Amanda shook her head to herself, knowing that if Billy wanted to, he would be in within a second anyway. She dragged herself off the couch and opened the door. "How did you know I was here, Sir?"

"Amanda, you and Lee may have thought you were fooling a lot of people, but even Lee knew you weren't fooling me. I hoped and prayed that he would tell me the truth about your relationship so that I wouldn't have to send him on that assignment. That presidential order wouldn't have come to him if I could have told the president that the two of you were married."

"Sir?"

"Amanda, I've known since February," Billy replied softly.

"Oh," Amanda said quietly.

"And I'm still very angry at him for not confiding in me, at both of you for not confiding in me. I'm angry at myself for not confronting the both of you earlier. If I had, maybe Lee would not have gone. You were the best thing that ever happened to him, Amanda. I still tell myself that putting the two of you together was the best decision I ever made as Section Chief. I never expected it to end like this. If I could go back right now to that last night Lee was here, I would confront him about your marriage.

~ SMK ~

"How dangerous is it?" Amanda paused, waiting for Lee to answer. "Lee?"

"Well, let's put it this way. I was very tempted to tell Billy about us in hopes that he might change his mind about sending me."

"In other words," Amanda continued his thought while pulling back to look into his eyes, "this is one of those missions that they send single men on because they don't feel like making widows."

Lee ducked his head, "Yes."

Amanda sighed. She knew him all too well . . .

~ SMK ~

'Damn it, Lee, why didn't you tell him?' Amanda thought in a rage as she stood up from the couch and went to look out the window. The Corvette was still parked on the street, and for a moment, Amanda allowed herself to believe that he was on his way up the stairs at this very moment, coming to her.

But he wasn't, and she couldn't allow herself these fantasies any more. The only purpose they were serving was to tear her up even further. She turned back to Billy, and finally asked the question that she had been dreading to ask for the past week. "You told me they found him . . . when are they bringing his . . . him back?"

"Monday morning," Billy answered simply, not pushing on Amanda's refusal to say his body. She still had demons to fight, and he knew that. Hopefully now that she knew that he knew just what demons she was fighting, she would stop hiding from him. "They'll be flying into Andrews at 9 AM . . . as his partner, your presence is required . . . the colonel will be there to identify him and claim the remains. Amanda, I don't think that I have to tell you that as his wife, you can . . ."

"I know I can, but I can't, sir. The colonel didn't know, and neither did our . . . my family. I couldn't explain that to them."

"I'm sure the colonel will be understanding to your position as his partner and friend and allow you to help with the details, that is, if you feel comfortable with that. So that you'll know where he is."

Amanda couldn't respond to that. To respond to that would to be to finally admit that he was gone, something that she had been having trouble facing, but that she knew she would have to face on Monday when his . . . when he arrived at Andrews. That would be soon enough to accept the truth, but for now, she couldn't face it fully. Maybe if she didn't say it, he would come off that transport and sweep her up into his arms and tell her it was all a terrible mistake.

"Waves crashing on distant shores, they're calling our names forever more . . ."

Lee's Apartment

Monday, November 2, 2 AM

"And I still hear you whispering in the silence of my room . . ."

She couldn't sleep. No matter how much she wanted to slide into oblivion, she couldn't. While part of her was still in denial, she knew that in seven hours she would be faced with the truth.

Her mother had called her at least a dozen times the night before, wondering how she was doing. As far as Dotty and the boys knew, she was helping close up Lee's apartment for his uncle, who wouldn't be arriving until sometime that week. And it was easier for her to get to work from there, of course. Dotty had been trying to give Amanda some space to grieve over the past week. And in the meantime, had been trying to help the boys through their emotions over the loss of their friend.

The truth, though, as much as Amanda didn't want to admit it, was that Lee wasn't coming back. No matter that she could still hear his voice whispering to her in the darkness, that she could still picture his face as clearly as if he had just stepped out of the room a moment before, or that she could still remember how it felt to be wrapped in his arms. She imagined his arms wrapped around her once again, promising herself it would be the last time she would allow herself to play this dangerous game.

"Amanda," he would whisper.

~ SMK ~

"Amanda?"

"Yeah?"

"It is me. It's really me."

"That's not . . ."

"Yeah come on feel it see it's me."

"It is you. It's you. You're here? Hello!"

~ SMK ~

"Amanda? It is me, it's really me . . ."

"That's not possible," Amanda whispered to the apparition before her, knowing that she couldn't be that lucky twice. He was gone, and she had to deal with that.

He held her face as he had the day when he proposed to her, seeing in her eyes all the horror she had gone through. He'd known what his faking his death would do to her, and he knew that she was to go to Andrews to pick 'him' up tomorrow morning. He'd hoped and prayed that he could wrap up the case before it came to that, but he'd thought it was the only way to bring out the traitor and be believed. He'd finally contacted Billy earlier that night and let him in on the farce, and Billy had ordered him to go to Amanda as soon as he gave the word, and that everything would be taken care of. Lee knew the second he saw her he couldn't allow her to go through another minute of agony. He'd stood in the shadows, knowing she was lost in a hallucination, just as she had believed herself to be hallucinating when Addi Birol shoved him into the room where she'd been kept. He couldn't stand watching her anymore without touching her and letting her know he was alright.

"Amanda, c'mon, feel it, feel me, see? It is me, it's really me."

Amanda's eyes opened to their fullest as she not only heard his voice in her head, but in her ears.

"My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon . . ."

"It really is me, Amanda."

"You're here?"

"Yes, I'm here."

~ SMK ~

"You're alive? You're alive and standing right here in my family room? Oh you are! You are! Oh I'm so angry with you!"

"What? For being alive?"

"No, for whatever it is you're pulling, whatever . . . secret mission it is that causes this kind of deceit."

~ SMK ~

"You're alive?"

The hurt in her eyes stabbed at Lee's heart as he remembered the last time she'd said those words to him.

"You're alive and you're standing right here in front of me?"

He braced himself for the anger to follow. And then there it was.

"Damn it, Lee! How could you do that to me?"

His eyes closed as her words hit home. "I didn't want to; God knows I didn't want to. I wanted to tell you, but if I did . . . not only would I not be here having this discussion with you right now, but you likely wouldn't be, either."

The anger was erased from her face the moment he said that, and she ran over to him and wrapped her arms around him.

"Billy told me you were dead."

"Billy didn't know, Amanda. No one knew," Lee responded to her unspoken question as he stroked her hair with his left hand. "Amanda, I am so sorry for this past week. If there had been another way, believe me, I would have taken it, but there wasn't. They had to believe I was dead."

"Oh Lee," Amanda sighed before pressing her lips to his, needing to feel that he was really there and not a figment of her imagination.

"I'm really here, Amanda, and I swear that there is no way that I'm leaving you again," Lee whispered as he led her to the couch and drew her down to his lap when he sat. "Amanda, I don't want to lie to anyone anymore. I want to come clean, about us."

Amanda chuckled softly as she realized he didn't know yet that the secret had started to come out already. "Lee, Billy and Francine know that we're married."

"You told them?"

"Not exactly," Amanda replied. "Billy has known since February."

"I should have known that he knew. I suspected he knew more than he was letting on."

"And Francine, well, the day after Billy told me that you were . . . she came looking for me, and found me here. I was . . . Lee, I couldn't bear the thought that I would never see you again. I'd spent the night staring at pictures and our marriage certificate, and had left it on the table, and Francine saw it that morning."

Lee ducked his head into the hollow of her neck as he drew her closer and held on to her with all of his might. "I swear, Amanda, that you will never have to go through that again."

"You can't promise that, Lee, you know that."

"Yes, I can, if I leave the Agency."

Amanda sat straight up, pulling partially out of Lee's embrace so she could look at his face. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, I am. Billy offered me a promotion a few months ago . . . with the State Department Bureau of Intelligence and Research. Management level."

"When did you start thinking about this? Lee, I know how much you love field work, you'd never be happy behind a desk."

"Amanda, after what just happened . . . I'd rather be behind a desk knowing that I would make it home to you at night than out in the field, worrying that if I make one wrong move that you would have to go through this horror again."

"And you would be miserable."

"A few years ago, maybe even a few months ago, yes, I would have agreed with you. I can't do this again, Amanda. I can't keep taking these chances. If I do, one of these days I'm going to wind up coming back to you in a pine box. I want to take the desk job. I want to come home to you at a normal hour. I don't want to always be looking over our shoulders, worrying that one of my enemies is going to pop up and hurt you or the boys or Dotty. I want to be able to spend every night with you without having to sneak around to do it. I want us to be a family."

A single tear ran down her face as everything he said sunk in to her. "And how does my position at the Agency figure in here, Lee?"

"Amanda, if you want to leave the Agency that is completely up to you. I can't make that choice for you any more than you can make it for me. I know that you love the work as much as I did. And you're good at it, no, you're great at it. I would worry about you all the time, knowing you're out there without me."

"That's just it, Lee, I don't know if I want to be there without you. But I don't know if I'm ready to give it up yet, either. Do we have to decide this tonight?"

"No, we don't, but I don't want to leave this for very long. I don't want to spend another night without you by my side, Amanda."

Amanda smiled as he said that. "I feel the same way," she mumbled as she rested her body against his.

"I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly. 'Love me now forever,'

were the last words you said to me . . ."