justareader07 had another one shot idea that, with permission, I was able to work into this chapter. Massive thanks to him for letting me bounce ideas and helping me with it.

for bookdiva, who while insanely busy, took the time to look it over for me. You are amazing and I can't say that enough!

To everyone who took the time to review, follow and favorite, you all are freakin' awesome! Thank you so much! Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer - I do not own NCIS LA, the characters or Rascal Flatts.

The two partners were silent on the way home, both lost in their thoughts. Deeks turned the radio on, not paying attention to what station it was, just needing some kind of background noise. He pulled up to his apartment, catching the words of the chorus of the country song wafting through the speakers and he paused, looking over at Kensi.

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

If you can't cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let go

Deeks reached over, seeing the haunted look in her eyes and grabbed her hand. He continued to listen to the song, the meaning of the words hitting him like a ton of bricks.

It hurts my heart

To see you cry

I know it's dark

This part of life

Oh it finds us all

And we're too small

To stop the rain

Oh but when it rains.

Small tears were falling out of both of their eyes at this point, and Deeks quickly got out and walked to her side, opening the door and pulling her out into his arms. He needed to hold her, even if it was just a friendly hug, to remind them both that they were okay. They gently swayed with the music and Kensi felt the tears fall harder when she heard the next part.

And I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall

I'm right here to catch you

I won't let you down

It won't get you down

You're gonna make it

Yeah I know you can make it

The chorus came on again before drifting off. They reluctantly pulled apart when the next song came on and Deeks turned the car off, grabbed their stuff and led her inside. His neighbor had agreed to watch Monty until he returned, and he figured that because it was so late, it wouldn't hurt to leave him there one more night.

As he opened his door, he noticed Kensi hesitate. He held his hand out to her, repeating the words they had both just danced to.

"I'm right here to catch you." She stared at him, wanting to take his hand and believe the words, but she was also scared. He patiently waited for her to make up her mind, his hand never wavering in front of her. And it was that moment that she realized they needed each other to get through this. She needed him as much as he needed her.

With a shaking hand, she put it in his and he gave her a small smile, pulling her gently over the threshold.

She welcomed the memories that assaulted her as she walked inside, remembering the last time she was here. He squeezed her hand, knowing where he mind was because for the first time, she looked a little less haunted.

"Come on, go take a shower. You're safe now Kens. You're home." She looked at him for a minute before she nodded, wondering if being home made her feel safe, or if he made her feel safe. And she knew it was combination of both. She walked to the bathroom and turned the water on, letting it wash away her pain.

Deeks sat down on the couch, head in his hands. He had no idea where to start. His mind was on overdrive right now, as he let himself for the first time let go of all the anguish and hurt he had been holding back for so long. He allowed himself this moment of weakness, feeling the tears fall, knowing he needed to let some of it out if he was going to help her.

He remembered the blind cleric, the hours of no sleep and depriving him of food, the phone call and the picture he had demanded be sent, the feeling of absolute devastation when he saw it. He let the shame wash over him and the tears continue to fall as he recollected the snap of his mind, the way he hadn't cared what he did after that as he filled that damn bucket of water and put the cloth over the cleric's face and poured the water on it.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he laid down and looked at the picture of Kensi, blood pooling around her and her eyes closed. It was so real and he had to stop himself from barging into the bathroom to make sure she was really alive. He closed his eyes for a minute, holding the phone. He was so lost inside of himself that he didn't hear her come out again.

Kensi saw him lying on the couch with his eyes closed, clutching his phone. She could see the tear stains on his cheeks and her heart broke for him. He didn't know she had heard his confession to the guys on the way home, his mind telling him she had been having a nightmare when she couldn't hold the tears at bay any longer. She walked over and tried taking the phone out of his hand.

As soon as her hand pulled, he felt the change and held onto it, not letting go. He opened his eyes and looked at her, but the touch of fingers on the screen had brought the picture back up and she was staring at it, a look of horror on her face.

"Oh my God." She fell onto the couch and just stared straight ahead, willing her mind to stop. Suddenly, the endless days of beatings and torture she had gone through were too much. She started shaking violently and Deeks sat up as fast as he could, wrapping her in his arms.

"Kensi, you're okay. You're home. I'm right here." He rocked her and after a few minutes, she started to calm down a little.

"Deeks –"

"I'm right here Kens. Not going anywhere, okay?" She pulled away from him for a minute.

"Are you sure? Because right now, it seems we're both lost, and I don't know the way back." The admission shocked them both a little, and Deeks was the first to look away. Kensi immediately grabbed his hands, anchoring them together.

"I don't know the way either. I um… I did some pretty bad shit over there Kens. Shit I didn't know I was capable of." She squeezed his hands, bringing his attention back to her.

"I heard you on the plane Deeks." He started shaking his head at her before yanking his hands away, hoping to God she was lying.

"No. No no no no. God Kensi, please tell me you didn't." He could deal with the shame of his actions, but he hadn't wanted Kensi to know about it. That monstrous part of him would only make her look at him with disgust, and he couldn't handle that right now.

"Deeks. Look at me." It took him a few minutes, but he finally made eye contact with her and she held her hand out to him, much he had done earlier, only this time it took a little longer for him to put his up, grasping it.

"I heard it. All of it. And whatever it is you think is going through my mind, you're wrong. I don't think you are weak, or less of a person."

Deeks just shook his head. "Kensi, how can you say that? I am weak. I let my feelings rule my actions, and they turned me into… into a monster Kensi. I saw that picture, and thinking you were dead? I wanted to die, too. And more than that, I wanted to kill everyone that had a hand in it. Now… now I don't know how to live with myself."

"Deeks, when you realized what you were doing, you stopped. A good man wouldn't stop. We both know that. And I know you hate yourself right now for what happened, but I don't. I can't, because you got me back Deeks. Like you always do. And you didn't save just me, but the entire team." She looked down and played with his fingers, remembering when she didn't think she would ever see him again, yet here they were, both fighting a losing war over guilt and self-hatred for their actions.

"None of this would have happened if I hadn't lost sight of my mission." It was Kensi's turn to pull her hand away and she stood up, suddenly overwhelmed with the weight of her actions. She got up and went to the kitchen, getting a glass off the shelf and filling it with water.

"Kensi, this isn't your fault." Deeks stayed on the couch, letting her have some space. He watched her jerky movements and let her show her anger however she needed to right now.

"Emotions wouldn't have ruled your actions if it wasn't for me doing the exact same thing. I was the reason you were there in the first place Deeks. Me. My emotions getting the better of me." She put the glass down with more force than she had anticipated and it shattered, making them both jump.

Kensi slid down to the floor, everything becoming too much. She had done this to Deeks, and she had no idea how to handle it. Before she knew it, Deeks was kneeling in front her, looking her over to check for any new injuries. She watched as his eyes roamed over her and when he was satisfied that there was nothing new, he grabbed her hands and waited.

"My mission was to kill the White Ghost. When Granger realized we had a chance at it, I took action. Made it to the hilltop and looked through the scope, ready to end it so I could come home. But instead of seeing a faceless traitor, I saw Jack. And instead of taking the shot, I missed on purpose. I couldn't do it, Deeks." Tears started coming down again, slowly.

"I snuck out of camp that night. I just… I had to know. I let the Taliban capture me, hoping it would get me to him. What exactly I wanted to say – do – when I got there, I had no idea. But I had a chance at closure, and I took it. My selfishness, that's what did this."

They both sat there, looking at the hands that were still together. It was such a simple thing, holding hands, but for them it became so much more. It kept them tethered together, each willing to pull the other out of the hole of despair when it became too much. Before they knew it, they had both leaned forward, foreheads pressed together, eyes still cast down.

"Did you find it, Kens? Did you get your closure?" Deeks was worried about this answer, knowing that it could drastically change their future together, whatever the future held.

"Yeah, Deeks. I found it. But at what cost, huh? Because of it, we both lost pieces of ourselves over there."

"Maybe those pieces we left over there helped the rest of the puzzle fit together here." Kensi pulled back, looking at him, confusion in her eyes.

"I'm not sure you ever would have really let me in, fully, without knowing what had happened all those years ago. I think the ghosts of the past would have caught up eventually and you would have pushed me away for fear of me leaving like he did. I know it's not easy, but I think that whatever he told you, no matter what it was, will help heal those old wounds. It may take some time, but eventually it will heal."

Deeks took one of his hands away and wiped away the tears on her cheeks before doing the same thing to his face. Intertwining his hand with hers again, he kept going.

"I never really talked about what happened after you rescued me from that chair. Nate came by a couple of times, but I was pretty good at evading the questions and never really talking about it. Eventually, that was going to come to a head, because this black part of my soul that was there was only getting bigger." He took one of their joined hands and used it to lift her chin up so she was looking at him again.

"We have to talk to someone Kensi. We both have issues we need to work out. But we also need to understand that what happened, it wasn't either of our faults. Forces greater than us brought this together. It's how we deal with it that matters. And now, now if we do this right, we can both move on from it better people. You have your closure to something that almost broke you in half. Me, I can try and make sure that the part of my soul I left over there was the black part."

Kensi stared at him, not sure how he didn't hate her right now for what had happened. But she wasn't going to question it. She was too tired, and she saw the fatigue in his eyes too, so she just nodded at him. He stood up, pulling her with him.

"We may be lost, but I'm glad I'm lost with you. We'll find our way back together, Fern." He smiled at her and she saw the determination in his eyes. Together. He wasn't going to leave her like Jack had. And if he was going to fight for her, she was sure as hell going to fight for him.

"Together." She kept eye contact, wanting to hate herself for the next words, but she desperately needed his reassurance. "Promise?"

"Promise." She unlinked their hands and put her arms around his waist. She realized they had hugged and touched more in the last 24 hours than their entire partnership, but she couldn't bring herself to feel ashamed of it. This was what they both needed right now, the physical knowledge that the other was there and not going anywhere.

Deeks was the first to pull away, and he took her hand, leading her to his room. He stopped at the door and looked at her, noticing her choice of attire for the first time.

"So, my boxers and an LAPD t-shirt, huh?" She smiled a little, glad that the old Deeks coming back. She just shrugged her shoulders.

"It's comfy." He shook his head, smile on his face.

"Look, I know we said friends right now, and so I'm asking you this as a friend. No funny business, I won't try and fondle you or anything, or at least I hope I won't, because that would certainly be weird…" Kensi raised her eyebrows at him, knowing what he was asking and glad he had been the one to bring it up.

"Deeks, shut up. I don't think I want to be alone tonight, so as long as there's no fondling, I would really like it if you stayed."

"So, if I promise not to put my hands anywhere inappropriate, can I hold you? Because I think we both need to get some sleep, and I know I will sleep better with you in my arms." He looked at her expectantly, worried he had crossed a line.

"As long as I get the right side. But you need to shower first." He chuckled at her and watched as she climbed into bed, on his side, but at that point he couldn't bring himself to care. He hurried to the bathroom and showered.

By the time he got back, Kensi had already fallen asleep but was moaning, her body jerking a little. He quickly got into bed beside her, pulling her to him. As soon as he had his arms around, she calmed down, her breathing evening out and her body stilling.

Deeks laid there for another hour, wanting to make sure that if she had a nightmare, he would be there and ready to bring her out of it. After an hour, he realized that whatever she had been dreaming about before he got in bed, he had chased it away by pulling her into his arms.

The knowledge that he was her safety net, the only one she felt comfortable enough with the let her guard down and know that he would be there to catch her if she fell was like a ray of sunshine in the dark hole they were both in. But he would make sure they both came out of it together. There was no way she was going to go through this alone, and he knew Sam's words from earlier were right. He needed her as much as she needed him. Because together… together they could do anything, including battling their demons.

AN - I have a couple more chapters planned out if y'all are interested. Leave me a review and let me know. :)