Cast Adrift
Fabric was roughly cast aside, plunging the world into harsh light a moment before the slap of bare feet slapping against the deck tore through the silence of the SPQ.
A moment later, Kara Thrace emerged from her rack, not noticing nor particularly caring about her nudity. She'd realized only too late that the only person she truly wanted to notice her body, to gaze upon her face, to touch her flesh and taste her skin, the only person she'd ever want to love her again was gone.
Lee Adama was dead.
He didn't even have the common decency to take her with him.
She'd known all her life she'd been chosen by the Gods to suffer. They'd shown their hand to her at an early age when Daddy walked out on her. The last thing he'd said to her was, "I love you, Kara. Always remember that."
He'd been the first to love her only to leave her when she needed them, not nearly the last. Zak Adama had been a beacon of light for her; smiling, happy, gentle and passionate. He'd been the perfect man for her and she loved him far more deeply than she'd thought possible. Enough to ignore that he just wasn't the pilot he wanted to be, so she passed him.
He was dead just days later.
She spun off the rails after that, not seeking anything beyond a warm body for the night. For two years, she drank harder, fought harder and flew harder. She hit on anything that moved, men, women it didn't matter. If they could help her forget Zak for a few minutes or hours, maybe even a night that was all she cared about.
She started to take solace in her self-destructive behaviors, so much so that by the time of the Attacks they felt like all she was capable of. Then Lee Adama came back into her life.
Once again, the Gods saw fit to have an Adama reach out to her. They tasked Apollo with stepping down from Olympus and taking her under his care. Lee ran with her, flew with her, drank with her, he sat across from her at the triad table, seeing through all her tells and taking money that should've been hers. He was constantly there, driving her insane.
It was little wonder that by the time he blew up the Cylon refinery that she'd tipped head over heels and fallen in love with him. By Colonial Day she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, despite how frakking miserable their world was, she could've been deliriously happy with Lee. It was no surprise that she took the first chance she could to screw it up.
If Kara was ever happy, the Gods would take away the person or thing responsible for it. Especially if the person loved her, and she knew long before the Astral Queen that Lee loved her.
Her love was poisonous.
She compounded her betrayal of Lee's heart by becoming enamored with Sam: Promising herself to him, dwelling on him, obsessing over his rescue all the while yanking Lee around. Helping his own self-destructive behavior by not being there after his space walk, ignoring his dull eyes every time he returned from Cloud Nine a little less than what he was before, ignoring him while he stole Dee from a good man and turning a cold shoulder to his pleading face when she'd shot him.
Then when she finally returned to Caprica and rescued Sam, the first thing she thing did was flaunt him in Lee's face. But even flaunting another man in his face did nothing to deter bull-headed Lee Adama; he sought her out at the Groundbreaking Ceremony, seduced her and then professed her love. Leaving her with only one course of action, to save Lee from her she had to destroy him. Not only that, but she had to be brutal so that if Lee ever put himself back together, he'd never risk placing his heart in her hands again.
Then something horrible happened, she started falling in love with Sam. After the Exodus began again, she was left with two men who, despite her best efforts, loved her. She had two men who could bring the Gods down upon their heads for the sin of providing Kara Thrace happiness. It was a death sentence for one or both of them.
Thirteen days ago Lee Adama was made to pay the price for her happiness, as a sacrifice to the Gods.
If she closed her eyes, if her attention wandered, if she even set foot on the flight deck or the Ready Room, she'd see it all over again. His Mark VII twisting and warping under the pressure, gunmetal grey on black for just a moment before being swallowed by flame, snuffing out his life forever.
The worst part for Kara was in the sick and twisted mockery of life she now lived, nothing was allowed to change. How could the most important person in her life die and not send her screaming into madness? Why was Dee allowed to play the grieving widow while the person who was closer to him than anyone, who understood Lee Adama so well she could destroy and rebuild him with little more than three words had to shrug it off like it was only the death of a colleague?
Why did she have to pretend that Lee's death wasn't a gaping wound where her soul once was?
The answer was simple; she'd given up her right to be destroyed by this when she left Lee alone in a field. So she pretended. At the memorial she sat silently, teeth grinding to keep her lip from quivering while the Old Man talked about the life of Lee Adama.
She smirked through pilot briefing after pilot briefing, a quip or snarky comment at the ready as she seamlessly took over CAG responsibilities. She flew CAPs, went on runs, sat at the bar in Joe's and generally pretended she'd never even heard of Lee Adama, much less loved him more than she had a right to.
It was like Zak's death, only now she didn't even have the luxury of pushing everyone away and self-destructing.
Maybe that was why when it actually took months for her fall apart after Zak died, it seems that it was taking less that a fortnight for her to start to crash now.
She'd spent the last three nights alone in the CAG's office, drinking herself almost blind before pouring herself into her rack to repeat the process come reveille. Each morning she was a little closer to the hard deck and she was contemplating just letting go of the stick so she could crash completely.
She shrugged off the melancholy as she stepped up to her locker and yanked it open. She grabbed her towel and shower kit then a fresh set of tanks then gripped the door to close it when her eyes caught on the photo tucked in the door.
Her eyes were not on the smiling face of Zak but rather the sad eyes of Lee's. They seemed to draw her in until she was paralyzed by their depth. She remembered every time they crinkled with mirth, when they shined with rage, how they turned almost grey with despair after Cain's funeral and especially the times they would darken before he kissed her.
She was struck again by a near crippling pain in her chest as she fought off her tears. With a great effort she tore her eyes from the picture, only for them to land on the mirror where she was met by her own face twisted up in agony…
She looked away from that too, only for her eyes to settle on the photo of her apartment Karl found after they left the Algae Planet. The mural of the mandala was most prominent in the photo and as she looked at it, it began to writhe and swirl angrily. Thunder rumbled from somewhere and she staggered away from the photo.
As she tumbled to the deck she heard Lee's voice, "Kara!"
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Kara started awake and shot upright, "LEE!"
Her surroundings were blurry and unfocused. She could feel sweat soaking every inch of her body and tears burning her eyes. She gulped down several ragged breaths, ignoring the pain it brought; instead her attention was on her heart as it hammered loud in her chest. She could the feel adrenaline burning through her arteries, giving voice to paranoid thoughts.
Soon, the adrenaline high began to fade and her mind began to settle. Her heart soon calmed as well and her gasping breaths soon became normal at last. Once she was calm, she began looking at her surroundings more closely. She soon realized that she was in hack, the familiar grey walls and bars were once like a second home, she'd recognize them anywhere.
She stood up slowly, only for her head to start pounding as the last of the adrenaline faded, letting her hangover assert itself brutally. With the grace expected of someone who had drank themselves into a stupor only hours earlier she stumbled over to the toilet in her cell and spilt the contents of her stomach.
Fresh tears, this time involuntary coursed down her cheeks as she slumped to the deck and sagged against the bars. She pulled her knees up and buried her face in her hands; the dream was becoming as familiar to her as a hangover. She'd had it every night for fives nights and she'd started drinking to try and stop it.
More than anything she'd experienced since Lee pleaded with her to let him die; the dream was eating away at her soul. A mournful voice broke the silence and her head snapped up, "Why didn't you come to me?"
She looked around and found Karl standing in front of the guard station, in almost the same spot Lee had been in before the Decommissioning. Helo was almost a mirror image of him, where Lee had been in his flight suit, the top half off and trailing behind him and looking rather smug, Karl was in his blues, and looking like he wanted nothing better than to wrap Kara up in tissue paper and store her away from the world to spare her pain.
She felt a bitter scowl twisting her face, "No." Just as he was about to start talking again she started again, "What happened?"
He turned to the guard, "Corporal, give us a few minutes. Go get some chow."
The young marine snapped him a salute then disappeared, closing the hatch behind her. Kara almost smirked before the headache made her groan and squeeze her eyes shut. "Was I that out of control?"
He sighed and plucked the keys off the desk. He unlocked the cell and left the door open as he entered before taking a seat on the cot. Then he braced his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together in front of him, a perfect image of sadness. He was silent for uncounted seconds while Kara watched him, feeling bleaker and bleaker.
Finally, Karl turned his eyes on her, "You got drunk and went down to Dogsville, you roughed up that Oracle. Brenn. One of her neighbors called me." His eyes hardened slightly, "You're lucky, if they'd called the Marines you'd be up on assault charges. When I got down there, you were raging about what she told you a few days ago.
"Something about 'Leoben coming' for you but Lee died instead, you weren't making a lot of sense. When I tried to calm you down, you just crumpled and burst into tears." He paused while she winced at the thought of her breakdown. "You said… Screamed it really. 'Take it back! Take it all back! Take me and give Lee back!'" Another anguished silence followed, Karl looked at her with a wounded expression. Kara knew he'd felt like she'd somehow let him down. "Why didn't you come to me, Kara?"
She got to her feet slowly, "No Karl."
He stood up angrily, "I can listen-"
Her head shook almost involuntarily, she was growing desperate now. "No."
He shouted at her, "I can help!"
Kara screamed right back, "NO YOU CAN'T!" She sagged against the bars, "No you can't Karl! I'm not even supposed to care this much! I'm just a pilot and he's- he was my CAG. I'm not supposed to fall apart over this!" Her vision blurred and tears burned her eyes, "But I am. Lee's dead because of me. He's dead because he cared."
Karl watched her with a perplexed face as she spoke and when he replied his tone was bewildered, "I don't understand why you'd think that way. Lee wasn't just your CAG, he was your friend, hell he was our friend. You're allowed to mourn your friends, Kara."
She scowled at him darkly, "The Old Man can mourn his son. Dee can mourn her husband. You and Lee were tight since New Caprica so you're allowed." She bit back her tears, "But me? Why should I be allowed to mourn someone I killed?"
"You didn't kill-"
Hangover forgotten, Kara cut him her darkest look. Her teeth were clenched but that didn't stop her warning, "Don't say it!"
He closed his eyes and sighed angrily, "Kara! You didn't kill him."
She snapped to her feet, "Bullshit! He was out there because I was cracking up, Karl. He was trying to help me pull it together."
"There was a Raider, Kara. You were engaged with a bogey and Lee had lost you on DRADIS, it just went wrong." His eyes widened a half a second after he finished speaking.
She felt her blood froze in her veins, "'It just went wrong?'"
"Kara-"
She was on him before he realized she'd moved and her fist caught him just under his left eye. "It didn't 'just' go wrong! It was a disaster, and it was my doing! I cracked up! I kept going out there when I was paralyzed with terror! I let Lee talk me into flying when I should have requested a psych eval and I drove that Turkey right into Lee's plane! Now who the frak's fault does that sound like to you?"
Karl stood up angrily then walked over to the cell door then paused, gingerly touching his cheek. He watched her seethe while his anger slipped away with every breath until the calm and collected Karl Agathon resumed his normal appearance at last. He made his way to the hatch to leave then frowned, "Do me a favor? Go visit the Oracle, apologize at the least, find some solace if you can but remember this: Lee's final words were to you, 'I love you' and 'I've never blamed you.' Keep that in mind, please."
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Using Lee's final plea to her as a weapon like that was a devastating body blow for Kara and left her in the cell alone for nearly an hour, just reeling from the memory of Lee's final moments assaulting her brutally. When she returned to her bunk later she was dealt another one.
Dee had resigned her commission a few days ago and was preparing to leave Galactica for good to work for the President. Her heart had gone out of the military when the love of her life died with another woman's name on his lips. It was almost perversely funny that straight-laced Lee Adama could screw up everyone around him, not by dying, but with his last words. That was a screw-up that not even Starbuck could outdo.
Kara found a box in her rack with a note attached. She recognized Dee's writing immediately, the note was just four words; "I frakking hate you!" Inside the box were nearly all of Lee's personal possessions; from the last remaining Atlantia Patch in the Universe to his Commander's insignia and Orders of Command, the patch had been his but the Quartermaster had kept it until after the Beast was destroyed when Karl had liberated it since Lee had once again been left with little more than the clothes on his back, the pins had been the ones he'd wore the day Pegasus was destroyed over New Caprica. The pair his father gave him upon his promotion, lost with his ship.
There were also a couple of novels that were second hand at best. She realized then how little Lee actually had beyond a few uniforms and some bartered, ill-fitting civvies. He'd barely enough things to fill a storage box and that more than anything tore at Kara.
It wasn't right that such a great man had so few things to call his own. She pulled one of his blue tunics out of the box and clutched it to her chest as the tears began to quietly flow again. She just managed to slip into her rack and yank the curtain closed before she cried herself to sleep.
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She awoke a few hours later, crying out for Lee once more then dragged herself down to the head for a long shower. It took a considerable effort but she managed to make herself presentable in her blues before she made the trek down to Dogsville and found Yolanda Brenn once more.
Brenn's shrine was little more than a few blankets strung up around a small altar, but as Kara entered she was nearly overpowered by the heady scent of incense that filled the shrine. She looked around and determined quickly her drunken tantrum had done little permanent damage.
Brenn was seated at the altar praying to idols of Athena and Aurora. She paused and looked up, seeing Kara the Oracle smiled warmly. "I'm glad you've come, Kara Thrace." She gestured to the seat opposite hers. "Sit, it is time."
When Kara sat, Brenn held out her hands for Kara to take. Kara managed to force words to her lips, "I'm sorry I attacked you."
The woman seemed to ignore Kara's attack from the night before and her apology as she said, "You were lost and confused. Your Husband has died and it seemed even the Lords had abandoned you." She leaned forward, "You were afraid. Blindly afraid of a world where you suffered alone. Blind fear is dangerous." She squeezed Kara's hands, "Fear no longer, I have seen your path."
Kara started to pull away, "I didn't come for another reading. Frankly, I'm a little angry with the Gods right now." It'd be hours before she realized she hadn't bothered to deny that Lee was her husband.
The older woman's grip was surprisingly strong as her gaze captured Kara's then refused to let go. "Five nights now, you've had the same dream. It will continue to come as the path becomes clearer. You may believe that the death of Apollo has left you alone and cast adrift by the Gods but care for you still.
"You still have a role to play in the Exodus, Kara. An important role, you are the herald of the Lords. When the time comes and all is revealed to their chosen Vessel, he will reveal the path to Earth to you. He will know the path but will be unable to express it, you will be able to express the way but you do not know it.
"He will lead you to Earth and you will lead us."
Kara was struck immobile by Yolanda's words; she could feel the truth of them, though she didn't understand them. "I…"
"You have had the dream, Kara. It is through dreams that the Lords will lead you to their Vessel. Do not fear them. Do not run from them. Learn from them, meditate on them, seek their meaning for dreams can provide the path if we can find their meaning."
She released Kara's left hand and lit several candles that were positioned on the altar, "There is a path, linked to the events that are unfolding as we speak. You will need to prepare for them.
"The Lords now consider you a widow and they ask that you purify yourself. The moon Ithaca is new over Caprica, you will fast for three days and you will know not drink nor any other vice until it is new again. Nor will you know the touch of another's flesh in that time. You must devote yourself to the scriptures in this time."
She plucked an idol of Zeus from a stand behind her and placed it between them. "Zeus will call you to him three times, each time he will ask something different of you. First he will ask you to prove your faith in him by doing what he believes impossible and you must refuse him.
"Next, he will accuse another of betraying him. You must calm him."
She squeezed Kara's right hand tightly and said, "Then, he will call you before him to act as council. He will have the fate of an enemy in his hands and you must convince him to spare that enemy."
Brenn replaced the idol of Zeus as she released Kara's other hand, "After that, all will seem lost. Only then will the Gods consider you pure and you will finally know the presence of the Vessel."
She then picked up the two idols she'd been praying over, "His words will be ignored and his freedom will be taken as all who knew him will call him betrayer. He will be denied everything, even worship." She held them out to Kara, "Athena and Aurora. The Vessel will work in their name as he is the hero of a new day for humanity. His faith rests in you as well and he will tell you of his devotion. Give these to him as proof that you believe in him and accept his pledge to you. From there the final journey can begin." After closing Kara's hand around the idols, she sank back into the pillows behind her, "I have grown tired, you may return again after you've pondered the Gods' message and begun you path."
Kara all but staggered out of the shrine.
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All too soon she found herself paged to the Admiral's cabin. She found the place dark and brooding in a way it never had been before. The Old Man looked rather worse for wear and the glass in his hand clearly didn't hold water. He offered her a seat across from her and began without preamble. It seemed small talk died with his son, "Helo spent the last few days acting as a bodyguard for Baltar's attorney, the trial is just a few weeks away. Mr. Lampkin has asked that Karl remained assigned to him during the trial to act as an aide." He paused to sip from his glass, "The President has agreed."
Another sip was followed by him scowling into his glass for a tense moment. She was suddenly reminded of the night she told him about passing Zak. "I know the last two weeks have been hard for you Kara. I don't think anyone can understand quite how much it must have hurt for you to watch him die the way he did…" This time, his sip turned into a long drink that emptied the glass. "I need you as CAG, Kara."
Kara had stopped breathing as Brenn's words came back to her; "Zeus" had been symbolic of the Old Man and this was his first test. He must have mistaken her gasp for trepidation instead of surprise as he tried to calm her, "I wish I didn't have to ask this of you, it'll probably feel impossible to climb in the cockpit again. If there were another way I'd take it, but I need you to trust me. We'll get through this if you trust me."
He was asking her to fly, to return to the fold. He needed her to be the good little soldier and she couldn't, not if she wanted Lee's sacrifice to actually mean something. She felt a tear slip down her cheek, "I can't."
"Kara-"
She shook her head, "You don't understand sir. It's not just that I can't fly again, I won't fly again. Not now, I understand my path now and as much as I want to fly, as much as I want to pick up the Adama flag and fly it in the skies again, if I do I'll loose myself. I'll fall apart out there or I'll be shot down or I'll just loose myself in the soldier and never find my path again.
"I saw an Oracle today, she told me that I must purify myself and find the path the Gods have laid out for me." She stood up, "I'd like to be granted a leave of absence, until I can do that. Please."
His eyes pleaded with her for just a moment before he said, "I could order you."
She nodded sadly, "And I could resign."
He frowned before nodding, "You could." His face was morose as he said, "Very well, Captain. I'll allow your Leave of Absence."
She circled around the desk and placed a hand on his shoulder, "He loved you. You know that, right?"
He looked up into her eyes and his own hand held hers in place, "I do. I wish I had known how much he loved you when I could have done something about it, though."
She felt another tear slip down her cheek, "Me too."