Ah what a beautiful and joyous Saturday morning, the sun was shining brightly, the birds were singing happily in their trees and if you follow us very carefully, you will see a large house, rather run down looking in appearance, if we just sneak a peak though this front bedroom window, we can join our great and child friendly OldEvilOne on another day in the life of Lord Voldielocks.
The alarm clock was shaking itself in too almost destruction and pinged out its loud and annoying wake up ping across the small paint starved, neglected and and almost unfurnished bedroom. In this bedroom, stood only a large King Size four poster once mahogany colored bed.
Lying underneath of moth eaten uncared for green silk bedding, was a long body, that of Lord Voldielocks. A long arm crept out from under the duvet and groped around in the air for a few seconds, a bony hand found the alarm clock and with one swift move, the hand curled into a fist and slammed down hard into the poor defenseless alarm clock.
With broken pieces of the clock now all over the floorboards of the bedroom floor, Voldielocks sighed dramatically and pulled on a long blue cloak. At that moment his eyes lingered on the floor and he swore loudly.
"WORMTAIL!" He shouted and a small round man crawled out form under the bed and looked hopefully up at his master.
"Yes master?" Wormtail squeaked.
"Fix the clock, and without magic," He instructed in a hiss. And stalked out of the room.
Walking down the gloomy looking stairs and through the rundown hallway, Voldielocks burst into the kitchen where two of his faithfully dumb Death Eaters sat gossiping. Lucius Malfoy rose from his chair and handed over a long golden blond wig which Voldielocks dutifully attached to his head with relief to feel the hair falling down on his shoulders.
"Snape, make me a-" Voldielocks barked.
"Skinny decaffeinate latte with extra froth," Snape said on command as he handed over a large cup to his master and commander.
"Good," He said taking a deep drink of his latte and almost choking. "ITS HOT!"
"Well durrrhhh," Snape said as if his master was a three year old child, trying to conceal his giggle. However, our dear Voldielocks cursed him happily for ten minutes with the Cruciatus curse.
"Right, now that my fun is over and the day has begun, what is our plan for today?" Voldielocks asked Lucius who beamed happily.
"Well," Lucius began. "I thought we could go shopping in preparation for tonight."
"Whats happening tonight?" Voldielocks asked curiously.
"How can you forget! Its old Snapepoo's birthday!" Lucius cried excitedly.
"Oh, well, I'll just grab my cloak... Oh I'm wearing it, okay lets go," He said and allowed Lucius to pull him out of the house.
Twenty minuted later, after six attempts at driving a car, seven wrong turns and five minutes spent going around a roundabout, Lucius and Voldielocks arrived at a large shopping center. Climbing out of the car, which was parked on double yellow lines, Lucius led his master in to a large shop called Boots.
The crow shop made Voldielocks dig into his pocket in search of his wand, only to find the Lucius had removed it without him noticing, cursing under his breath, he followed Lucius down an aisle marked 'Hair Care."
"Here you go master, i think that Sheer Blond shampoo and conditioner will work perfectly on your hair," Lucius said shoving two bottles at his master. "Now, do you want some nail varnish?"
"Nail what?" Voldielocks asked pulling a face which said quite simply 'what on earth is nail varnish?'.
"Its for painting your finger and toe nails different colors, you don't want your lovely new nails to chip and lose their color now do you?"
"Um, no i guess not..."
"Hello, can i help you at all?" Asked a smiling brunette shop assistant with hazil eyes which held a small hint of brown in them.
"Oh hello, yes could you please direct us to your Nail Varnish section?" Lucius asked her.
"Of course, if you would like to follow me," She smiled.
"Thank you, Amy," he replied looking at her name badger, Voldielocks followed the pair as they headed to the Nail Varnish.
"Well, here you are, just call me if you need anything," Amy smiled and as she turned away Lucius stopped her.
"Actually, what color would you recommend for my friends nails?"
"Hmm," Amy thought for a moment before pulling at Voldie's hand. "I think maybe a nice Duck egg blue, it would complement your lovely hair more."
"You think? I don't really wants to have ducks on my fingers," Voldielocks said uncertain.
"Oh very witty," Amy laughed and handed him the nail vanish.
"Stupid duck girl," Voldielocks muttered as Lucius dragged him over to the pay tills.
"Now, do you have a Boots Advantage card?" Amy asked as she scanned the three items into her till.
"Oh wait one moment," Lucius said fishing in his pockets and pulling out a small white and pink card. "Here you go!"
"Wonderful, thats Fifteen pounds," Amy smiled and Lucius payed her. "Thank you, have a good day now."
"Thanks, and Goodbye," Lucius smiled and looked at Voldielocks who was hurrying out of the shop. "Um, Lord, don't you think you should thank Amy for her help?"
"Umm, yes, fine, whatever, thanks Ducky," Voldielocks said and raced form the shop and out of the shopping center. Lucius sighed, waved once more at Amy and followed his master who was now sitting dutifully in the passenger seat of the car.
"You have no manors," Lucius scolded his master. "I just cant take you anywhere with me these days with out you insulting innocent women who are there to help you, honestly!"
The queue for Sea Night Club was so long that it took it most of the street. But the Death Eaters and their master need not have worried. Lucius had gotten them all VIP passes for that night and led them past the outraged queuing clubbers to the main entrance doors where they payed their entrance fee's and sauntered inside.
Fourteen Beach Party cocktails later, the Death Eaters and Lord Voldielocks were slightly drunk. Actually they were so drunk that none of them could stop Snape, who was now performing the Cheeky Girls dance routine with sixty other dancers on the dance floor.
"Do you think, hiccup, that we should, hiccup, get snapeypoo and, hiccup, make him sit, hiccup, down?" Draco Malfoy asked as he downed a green aftershock.
"No, let him have strange people touch his bum, he is asking for it," Avery said, the only member of the group to appear still sober.
"Hiccup, rightio, hiccup hiccup, hippos, hiccup," Draco tried to say.
"Lucius your sprog is drunk," Wormtail giggled like the big girl that he was.
"Touch my bum, don't be shy," Snapeypoo slurred as he wobbled back to the table and his fellow death eaters. "We are the Cheeky girl, you are the cheeky boys..."
"Shut him up," Draco moaned.
"Has anyone seen our lord and master?" Avery asked his fellow inmates, some of whom, not mentioning no names, coughDracocough, had now fallen onto the floor and were looking up the skirts of women.
"No, but Lucius what is Lucius doing?" Snapeypoo sang merrily pointing at Lucius who was wearing a green leather thong and giving a brunette girl who looked suspiciously like Amy from Boots, a lap dance.
"Oh, hiccup, hippos, hiccup, have, hiccup hiccup, taken, hiccup, my, hiccup, drink, hiccup hiccup...blarrrggghhhhh," Draco puked all over Wormtail.
"Look!" Snapeypoo pointed out across the crowd and over at a large table in the far corner which had a large metal pole and a tall half naked man on top of it. "Its the oldevilone!"
"Oh i do not believe this," Avery muttered. "I don't have a camera!"
"I'm spinning arouuunnnddd," Voldielocks sang as he spun around the pole and gyrated in front six giggling women in only his pink y-fronts. "Move outta my way, i know you're feeling meeeee..."
"Off off off off offf," The women squealed and encouraged him to take off his briefs.
Just as Lord Voldielocks was seductively pulling at his briefs a large burly looking bouncer flung him over his shoulder and carried him out the night club, behind him was another bouncer carrying a protesting Lucius and behind him was the reaming Death Eaters looking somewhat ashamed and pretending that they did not know the two men.
And they almost got away with it until Lucius screamed and pointed in their direction.
"The almighty says he can get me outta this, but he's pretty sure you're fucked," Lucius screamed. "My fellow men will continue on in my place! Dance men DANNNCCCCCCCEEE!"
Within two seconds of Lucius shouting the remaining Death Eaters stood up and sulked from the club, all eyes on them as they followed the bouncers and Voldielocks and Lucius out into the crisp January night air.
The two bouncers, immediately dropped their pray onto the cold wet ground, Voldielocks landed in a small puddle and swore loudly and drunkenly as Lucius landed on the curb of the pavement only to roll off it giggling about his cold and almost numb bum.
And now, before we declare ourselves scared for life, we shall leave out hapless Death Eaters to their own devices and fate as we all sit back and wonder, just what exactly do we have in store for you next time.