Dear Jia Xu,
How many times do I have to tell you? I didn't pee in the jars this time. I learned my mistake, and now I have to look closely at the jars' color before I do my business. It's very inconvenient since most of the jars are the same kind of brown. Or I'll have to go like an animal. Outside...
Sima Yi
P.S: It was Zhao.
Dear Guo Huai,
"Incendiary bullets"? I thought that giant cannon thing has infinite ammunition. Why would you need to burn an enemy when he's already being shot to death? Don't get me wrong, I like the way you think, but that idea sounds very expensive.
Sima Yi
Dear Zhong Hui,
I'm surprised you have the audacity to write me, the one who who kicked your sorry skinny behind back when you tried to emperor-nap the emperor. And no, I will fire Deng Ai. He's a great general. Jealous of him, huh?
Sima Yi
Dear Zhong Hui,
I don't care if that was hypothetical or not, it happened. I yelled at you until Chunhua stopped me. I'd like to see her yell at you, but then again, she's not willing to get out of character.
Sima Yi
Dear Jia Chong,
You have some nerve. First, you take my evil persona and now my oranges. What did I do? Go take out your anger on my son!
Sima Yi
Dear Yuanji,
I'm going to have to make you share punishments with Zhao if he continues to act up. Be sure to be not wearing make-up when the punishments happen.
Your father-in-law
Dear Wang Yi,
I'm just wondering are you still considering the offer about you spending some girl time with Chunhua? Just curious, nothing more. I always look out for my fellow soldiers.
No, seriously, are you?
Sima Yi
Dear Wang Yi,
What? How could you assume that from me? You get that behavior from Cao Cao or Guo Jia, not me. I'm just a little creeped out with your constant stabbing-a-Ma-Chao-doll acts, so I'm assuming you're not completely satisfied with your current situation.
If you change your mind, you can visit her now.
Sima Yi
Dear Xiahou Ba,
Do I look like your father? Ask him yourself! Though I'm pretty sure he'll just say yes to you getting a llama. You're not keeping that here.
Sima Yi
Damn it Guo Jia,
You did what with those Romans? Also, Wang Yi's not biting, so I guess you won't get to see her do that.
Sima Yi
Dear Jia Xu,
Please stop wasting paper on your stupid drunk letters. Actually, why am I wasting paper on a drunk man?
*He didn't bother signing it*
Dear Chunhua,
I don't know what you are talking about. Do you remember what happened to that maid? I don't. How's life? Do you know about the Romans? I heard they kill for sport. Those pale-skins are certainly sick bastards. Their language sounds like nothing but gibberish. How many years has it been? Is Zhao still sleeping? Is Shi still having incestuous feelings about you? Did you have some girl time with Yuanji? Did Guo Huai come by for his bullets again? Did something come in the mail? Did you do something new with your hair?
Sima Yi
Dear Chunhua,
Oh fine, I just wrote all of that to distract you from the previous topic. No, no! I am not that! That describes Cao Cao more than me. Come on! I'm so much better than that! I am not writing to Wang Yi about whether or not to sleep with you so I watch through a crack. Nope. That's Guo Jia.
Your totally-not-perverted husband
Dear Zhao,
What do you mean leave Yuanji out of this? If you truely want to save her, clean up your act. Or you can just continue doing your thing and I can throw you two in the pond. Your choice.
Your father
Dear Xiahou Yuan,
Your son wants a llama. No, I'm serious. He's going to go up to you to ask for one of those sheep things with long necks. Just warning you.
Sima Yi
Dear Zhao,
No, I am not getting you a llama! I don't care if Xiahou Ba's getting one, why do YOU want one? But no, you're not getting one. End of story.
Your father
P.S: Get a chihuahua. (Oh wait, we already have one.)
*This area has a small wrinkle and some drops of blood*
P.P.S: Please dismiss that. Your mother just happened to see that part.
Dear Guo Jia,
What makes you think it was a good idea to whore yourself out to foreigners? Their skin's pale and their mind isn't in the right place. They could be hoarding diseases that will kill you. And don't you give me a "I was drunk" excuse. Actually, you don't have to say as I am sure I'll puke all over the letter you send me.
Sima Yi
P.S: If you're hair's falling out and you get itchy down "there", you're screwed. But I'm not a doctor.
Dear Xiahou Dun,
I can't do that. I can't magically fix your eye. I'm not a mage. End of story.
Sima Yi
Dear Xiahou Dun,
I'm serious. I only can use ice magic and I'm pretty sure there are no healing ice spells. Can't you just ask Hua Tuo? Wait, he's dead.
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
No. End of story.
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
NO.
Sima Yi
Damn it Cao Cao,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Can't you get that through your head?
Sima Yi
Damn you Cao Cao,
You want a pet fenghuang...? I can't do that! How many times do I have to say I am not a mage?! I can use ice magic, but that doesn't mean I can do other things! Grr... Fine. I'll "try" to do it.
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
I made something, but it's not what you wanted. I never thought I could do this! Anyway, I created a qilin. Despite being an abomination of dragon and horse, I find it rather interesting. I think I'll keep it.
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
What? You want it? I find that ironic... Since... ah, I think you don't want to be reminded of that.
Are you sure?
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
Well... It looks the right size to be ridden. Are you sure you want it? Shi seems to be very attached to it. Let me see if I can create what you originally wanted.
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
I... didn't do it. I created a dragon instead. Please take it. It has wings, and it destroyed half of my house.
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Pi,
Your father has a dragon now. Just warning you.
Sima Yi
Dear Pang De,
Do you have time to fix my house? I know you have skills in making wooden items.
Sima Yi
Dear Zhen Ji,
Why are you asking me? Ask her yourself. Also, my condolences for your husband getting eaten by that dragon.
Sima Yi