*scene cuts to the front of the Fuzzy Clam*
(Brian and Stewie walk up to the door)
Brian: Stewie, are you sure that you can get in?
Stewie: Please, what are they going to say?
(Brian walks in)
(Gandalf stops Stewie)
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
Stewie: What, why?
Gandalf: You shall not pass.
Stewie: I'm a midget?
Gandalf: You shall not pass.
Stewie: I have a disease that stuns my growth?
Gandalf: You shall not pass.
Stewie: I'm...a...I'm Bo Derek.
Gandalf: You shall...really...oh my god, Bo Derek! Can you sign my robes?
*scene cuts to Stewie and Brian in the strip club*
Brian: I feel weird trying to pick up a relationship at a strip club.
Stewie: Oh please.
(Stewie spots Jillian, Brian's old girlfriend, serving drinks)
Stewie: Is that?
Brian: Jillian?
(Brian runs up to Jillian)
Brian: Hi Jillian!
Jillian: Brian! What's up?
Brian: Nothing new, what are you doing here.
Jillian: Well after Derek died, I couldn't afford living in our house anymore. With my parents dead, I had nobody to turn to, so this is how I afford my next meal.
Brian: Jillian? I'm sorry.
Jillian: It's ok Brian, I don't really mind.
(Jillian coughs up blood)
Brian: Jillian, I'm not leaving you here, you're coming with me. Come on Stewie!
(Stewie is sitting with a table of 3 gay guys)
Gay guy #1: I have framed photos of my pets in my house.
Gay guy #2: I adore Judy Garland.
Gay guy #3: I know every line in the "Rocky Horror Picture Show".
Stewie: I watch Mtv.
Gay guy #2: Oh you win! You're the gayest guy in the club!
(Stewie flails his arms)
Stewie (in a higher pitched voice): Go me!
(Brian grabs Stewie's hand)
Brian: Come on Stewie!
*scene cut to a multi-layered parking lot*
(Peter and Quagmire steps out of Peter's car)
Quagmire: Hey Peter, you look a little stressed, are you alright?
Peter: Yeah, I'm fine. I just had a revelation last night.
*scene cuts to Peter getting into bed*
Peter: Wait! ...I've never laughed at a Mickey Mouse cartoon.
(Peter and Quagmire walk up to the ticket booth)
Quagmire: Two tickets to Double Dees.
Ticket Salesman: That movie is rated NC-17. Can I see you I.D. sir?
Quagmire: What the hell, me and friend are well of age for this movie.
Ticket Salesman: I just want to make sure with an I.D.
(Quagmire searches through his pockets)
Quagmire: Oh crap...
Peter: What?
Quagmire: Peter, do you have your license
Peter: No, I left it at home, I thought we were going to the clam and I...well to tell you the truth I didn't want to pay.
Quagmire: Oh, you dick.
(Quagmire turns to the ticket salesman again)
Quagmire: Let me have two tickets to the uh...Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
(Quagmire turns to Peter)
Quagmire: Well it sounds sexy.
(Quagmire and Peter walk in. They stand by the concession stand and at the front of the line a black lady is ordering.)
Black Lady: I want y'all to get me a popcorn and a soda and you know what, I want a...lemme see...wait never mind I want a cheeseburger...wait no...
(Bruce is behind the counter)
Bruce: Excuse me miss but y'all gotta get off the line I gots lots of customers to help out here.
Black Lady: Are you dissing me. Hold on a minute, I'm get you.
(The black lady starts taking off her ear piercings, lip piercing, belly button piercing and eye lid piercing.)
(On the line behind her is Adam West)
Adam West: I'm missing my Flash Gordon, and when I miss my Flash Gordon I get a little testy.
(Adam punches a kid in the face)
Adam: I warned you.
Bruce: Ohhhh nooooo! I'm gonna have to get some help over here!
Peter: Hey Quagmire, maybe if we help Bruce out, he'll return the favor and let us see that dirty movie.
Quagmire: Peter we could just sneak in.
Peter: Well I couldn't do that, I'd feel kinda guilty.
Quagmire: You were going to leave me with paying for the drinks at the Clam with a clear mind, but sneaking in to a movie is the thing that makes you guilty?
Peter: Yeah, and.
Quagmire: Just forget it, let's help him.
(Peter and Quagmire run behind the counter)
Peter: Everyone break off into three lines, repeat we now have three lines open.
Bruce: Oh heyyyy guy! Thanks for helping. Ya'll too kind to me.
(Herbert and a little kid walk up to Peter's part of the counter)
Herbert: Uh yeah, can we have some skittles and some vodka?
Peter: Hey Herbert! Oh is this your grandson?
Herbert: Uh...yeah...say hello Timmy.
(The boy stays quiet. Herbert's tone depends)
Herbert: We're having a good time...right Timmy?
(The boy starts tearing up and stays quiet)
Herbert: Timmy, you better say your damn name to this nice man or its one more night in the secret cave. I'll kill you Mikey...
Boy: Hi, my names Timmy.
Herbert: Good.