However her head hurt like hell Cris got up on time on Monday, looked out the window: cold, again. Hot coffee was a relief compared to the cold wind. She found the girls on the stairs to the main building and they all looked so hungover as she is, so they didn't wait too long to go to their classes.
Cris took her usual seat in the literature class, a bittersweet taste in the mouth, from the hangover or from remember her table partner. She could not tell. Shaking her head as if to forget that image, she tried to focus on writing what Pedro was talking about, she needed to keep the B anyway.
The seconds passed in slow motion or perhaps too quickly when she saw Joana enter the room and sit beside her. The heart beating so fast she thought it would burst. She needed to get out, asked to go to the bathroom.
- Cris I just started the class, first let's write down the details of the next test.
"Shit". She could not concentrate on anything except in a so characteristic scent that the wind carried. She noticed Joana watching her movements, so closely, she heard the sound of pen hitting her teeth of it, it was as if she could feel every move her eyelids made. Even without looking directly she knew Joana would have one of those grins lurking the corner of her mouth.
She choked and her cheeks burned when a hot hand touched her thigh under the table, oblivious to the stares of everyone. Her body burned and shivered while she looked around, wide-eyed and dry mouth. She could not stand it, without asking or explaining got up and left half walking, half running down the hall until reach the female, bathroom, empty, "thank God."
She washed her face and took big gulps of water, leaned against the window and lit a cigarette, gently blowing the smoke through the glass. Cris had never run away from anyone like that, but no one ever had this power over her. As much as she hated to admit Joana was her weak point. Even more so because she did not expect to see the girl back to school so quickly. It was not like she was not glad she came back, a sign that he was getting better, but shit, it had to be now, just in this class.
Cris was lost in her thoughts, the cigarette burning between her fingers as she bit the tip of her thumb, the still red cheeks, the shoulder straps of the suit were down around her waist, another drag on the cigarette, smoke out the window. Joana could not stop to think, before she could form a concrete sentence her body was stuck on the blonde's, kissing her.
Cris did not move, blinked a few times, and Joana staring at her without breaking the kiss, waiting. She wanted to have more willpower, wanted to be stronger, wanted. But Joana had won this long ago. She closed her eyes, let the cigarette fall to the ground and her hand was lost in that purple-hair.
This time the kiss was not slow and gentle, was strong and full of sighs. Shaking hands, neck, hair, waist. Joana tried to pull and hold Cris closer, Cris was afraid to open her eyes and realize thats it's been a dream.
Joana's hand made her own way, already known, under Cris's shirt, a nervous and cold hand found hot and sweaty skin, everything was too intense. She pushed Cris until they were inside a cabin. They did not think about anything, just the kisses exchanged without words or breaks. Kisses on the mouth, the neck, the blonde allowed herself to bite in the place she knew so well already, Joana trembled and sighed.
They were there for minutes or hours, who knows, but when they finally separate Joana did not open her eyes and Cris did not move her hand from its place at the nape of the girl. But it all came suddenly, like when you open dam, tears flowed from her big eyes, blurring the glasses.
- Why? Why you do this with me? - she felt like an idiot crying in front of the other girl, but just could not control.
Joana did not answer, she held her tight and waited until the sobs stop as her tears fell silently. When she pulled away, that look on Cris's face made her look so small and fragile, like the last time they met. She stroked her face and gave her a kiss on the forehead, trying to calm the beating of her own heart.
- Guapa.
Silence.
- Cris, I ... can not. I just can not make you go through all that ... No, that's not what I mean.
She took a breath.
- I love you. This is no lie, it is the most real thing I've ever said. I love you Cris.
Cris wanted to feel happiness to hear it for a second time, but she just stared at Joanna, without saying anything, desperately wondering what she had to say.
- Forgive me?
Joana was so close that their foreheads met and her voice no louder than a whisper. She kept her hand on Cris's very red cheek, who held the hug on her waist.
- Why, exactly?
For the second time this question, but she wanted to do everything right this time.
- For all I told you in my house, I wanted you to walk away from me, so you wouldn't suffer, you deserve someone much better than me, but I can't not have you in my life, not now that you are already living under the my skin. Forgive me? And if you can, allow me another chance, I will try my best to let you in and don't lock you out. It is that, everything inside me is a mess, there are so many of me. But even so, they all can't seem to forget you.
Cris's heart tightened as she heard these words, Joana looked so fragile right now. It doesn't meant that everything was fine and that she would have another chance, something inside her still hurt. Everything was too intense with Joana, she loved her, she knew that, but needed time to think.
- I forgive you.
Joana looked up in surprise and smiled, kissed her lightly on the lips.
- But let's go slow. I don't know if I'm ready to be together again. I need time to think.
Joana felt a stab in the heart, but decided not to show it and only agreed to Cris's conditions. This time she was determined to make things right. And if she had to wait until Cris trust her again, so be it.
The two talked in the bathroom until the signal between classes rang, Cris kissed Joana's face, smiled and got up without saying anything.
When the class was over Cris found the girls on the bench outside the campus and told what had happened that morning. They tried to appear impartial and respect Cris decision, except to Viri, who thought it was Cris loss not be with Joana, because clearly they belonged together.
Joana passed by them and stopped to greet the girls, even though shw knew by that time Cris had told them everything that happened. Viri asked how she felt and she took the opportunity to thank the gifts they sent. Nora got up and hugged her for no apparent reason, which made Cris look curiously at Amira, who just shrugged and laughed.
- Bye guapa. - Joana passed her and patted her cheek to say goodbye.
Her phone vibrated on the front pocket, taking her of that trance.
"1 new message: Agatha"
The Cris heart accelerated again, remembering the night before, opened the message.
"Agatha: Hi beautiful, what are you doing this afternoon?"
"Hi, nothing. Leaving now the college. "
Cris say goodbye to the girls and went on her way, headphones at full volume, trying to gather her thoughts.
"Agatha: What do you think about going out for a coffee?"
Cris read the text a few times before answering.
"Sure. Where and when?"
"Agatha: Great. At the station I stayed yesterday, remember? "
"Yes. I meet you at the exit. What time?"
"Agatha: 30 minutes? Sounds good?"
"It's a date. I see you in half an hour. "
Cris wanted to know what would happen if she did not think, just act. So she texted her mom telling that she would eat something with a friend and wouldn't be out late. A lecture later she was on the subway. Strangely nervous she retouched her lipstick looking in the phone's front camera. Neither she realized that Agatha was watching from the top of the stairs, laughing and smoking a cigarette.
- You're beautiful!
Cris, blushed and smiled, taking off her headphones and surprised when the girl pulled her close and kissed, simple and quick, like any one of those couples that we see there. Cris, made a mental note to compliment Joana casually the next time. Joana? No. She did not want to think about Joana now. Then focused again on that Agatha was speaking, she talked a lot about her music and the bar they met, she knew the owner a few years, college time, he was a few years older than her, but she said, gay youth need to be united. Cris laughed.
- Well on that i'm doing fine, me and Lukas are the only LGBT kid in my school, to my knowledge of course.
It was the first time she referred to herself as LGBT community member, it was liberating to know that she belonged to a group, even if not yet know fit the L or B, but one thing at a time.
The afternoon passed by and she realized the time just when Agatha was leaving her on the same subway station they met. Her mother had already sent too many messages, she preferred not to push it if she wanted to go out again at the weekend.
They exchanged a few kisses before Cris told her thats she really have to go, she did not care if people walked or looked, it was good to kiss her, like that in the real world, made her feel free. Agatha tasted like chocolate and cigarettes, was good, unlike the taste of coffee and mint of Joana's mouth.
Joana, back in her mind while she waited for the train, she picked up the phone to write to her, typed and erased several times.
"Hello "
...
"Joana: Hi there"
"It's ok?"
"Joana: Yes, better to know that you are thinking of me"
"I think
It is impossible to forget you.
Get out of my head?"
"Joana: Hahahhaha i already said, just go out if you let my thoughts too! "
"No deal!"
"Joana: Good. I want you near here, all the time."
"Shut up. Do not make me these things. "
"Joana: What?!"
"Making me blush on the subway, everyone is looking at me."
"Joana: hahahahhah sorry lady.
Where were you?"
Cris thought if she should lie, stared at the phone's screen until it vibrated again.
1 NEW MESSAGE: Agatha
"Agatha: You know what they say, the charm is in the third, I hope we meet again."
It was cool to hang out with Agatha but something inside Cris could not give up Joana. Maybe she should tell her and not lead her on, or was she fantasizing and this relationship with Joana had no future, but what if it had. She had never felt the same way with anyone else. And while kissing Agatha was very good, it did not come close to the sensations to be only near Joana made her feel.
It had been a long day, of different emoticons, Cris decided she would deal with all this tomorrow. But before ... she just wanted to hear the voice of the girl, once before bed. The phone called a few times until a husky sleepy voice answer on the other side.
"Hello, who is?"
"It's me.
I wanted to hear your voice. "
Across the line Joana's heart raced, she looked at the clock, 23:00, the new medication really relaxed.
"Cris..."
Shee smiled, that name fall like a sweet on herr lips. Did something happen?
"No, just I wanted to tell you good night and hear your voice.
So, good night Joana. "
"Good night Cris."
Cris has not even seen the week pass and when she realized it was Friday again and her friends were eager to go to the bar again. She had barely spoken to Agatha for the rest of the week, a good morning here and there, the girl seemed to have understood the message and not budgeted new conversations.
- Girls, GIRLS!
She caught the attention of her friends, very excited about the weekend plans.
- I'm not going to the bar tomorrow.
- Why Cris? I really need that drink again. - Complained Eva.
- I need to be with Joana.
The girls exchanged glances with each other, Viri smiled and Amira reached out and touched Cris arm.
- Cris Are you sure? Are you willing to invest all that this relationship? Cause you know it can be complicated and rough? - Nora asked.
- I am girls. I keep thinking about it and i know it's a surprise relationship, everything can change from one moment to another, but if I do not try now, I'll always live with the question of what could have happened.
- Well I agree with you on that point. - Amira was always so sensible and always supported Cris, no matter what.
- And have you told her? - asked Viri.
- Not yet. We not talk much today. I already have something planned.
Cris felt the burning cheeks and her friends tickled and hugged her.
On Saturday Agatha sent a message.
"Agatha: Hi, I'll see in the HP tonight?"
"Hi
The girls will be there with Lukas. I will not."
"Agatha: Why?"
"I have plans with my girlfriend.
I told you about her, I just decided to give her another chance
sorry "
...
"Agatha: Cool. I hope things work out between you two.
See you around Cris. "
Cris wondered if it had seemed very direct when speaking or had been so optimist to call Joana her girlfriend. But then she did not have much time to think, her parents finally had gone and Dani was in camp with friends, it was time to put the plan into practice.
"Joana, I need to see you urgently, you can come home?"
She waited for the answer without taking her eyes from the screen, hands sweating and heart pounding. Joana would make her have a heart attack one of these days.
"Joana: What happened? It's ok? I'm on my way."
"I am. Come quickly, please. "
Not long after the bell rings, Cris checked her reflection in the mirror, but this time she was not too tidy, Joana loved when she was in her simple clothes, wearing her glasses, no big deal.
- Hi.
Joana looked like rushed to get ther, her cheeks were flushed and she was breathlessly.
- It's okay Cris? - She said as she entered the apartment. - Where are your parents?
- They left. I'm fine, I told you.
- So what happened?
Cris did not answer, instead stopped in front of the girl and put her arms around her neck, very close to Joana's mouth.
- Are not you going to greet me?
She licked her lips and suddenly Joana was no longer able to form coherent words, closed the little space between them and kissed Cris. It tasted like coke and marijuana.
Cris led them into the living room and pushed until Joan sat on the couch, sitting on her legs, without departing too much or break the kiss. Joan breathed hard and fast while Cris kissed her neck, her hands clutching her thighs. The room grew hotter every second and Cris took the sweatshirt off, Joana let her hands sneak up her bare back and back down the ass, sighs and kisses, failed and hot breath.
Cris had to use all her willpower to stop kissing her, and say what she had rehearsed and thought all day. Without getting up from Joana's lap she was staring at her, memorizing the details of her face and keeping in mind the image of a stained Joan, with very red lips of the kisses, she was beautiful, now more than ever, and it made Cris smile.
- Guapa.
Joana smiled and put a strand of hair behind her ear.
- Joana, I love you.
Eye to eye again, surprise.
- I know you're afraid and I am too. I understand you tried to keep me away because you think you're protecting me, but I don't need you to protect me, what I need is you, if you are here is enough. Glad you exist and I'm glad you're here. For me it's all that matters. I want to be with you.
Joana opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to form some decent sentence to answer, but nothing came to her head, Cris wanted to get back with her. It was all I could think about. Cris, her Cris, again.
- I love you.
Was all she said and in that moment was just what Cris needed to hear.