The Dare Itself

Summary: The conversation during the evaluation. Side story

Author's Note: I…I couldn't stop myself. So much crack…possible out-of characterness

Kakashi watched as Ibiki made another note on his clipboard. He'd have to break in and read what was there later.

The interrogator took a deep breath, then moved on with the evaluation. "Section VI: Relationships." If Kakashi didn't know better, he would say that big man looked uncomfortable and Tsunade looked horrendously expectant.

"Are you in an intimate relationship?"

"Yes."

"Name?"

"Umino Iruka, chunin. Number 011850. Mission Room worker and Academy Teacher. 24 years old. Blood type—"

"We're aware of Iruka-sensei's information," Tsunade broke in.

"Is this your only current intimate relationship?"

"Of course. Iruka is more than capable of tending to my needs, emotional, physical, psychological, and sexual."

Ibiki shut his eyes for a moment, took another deep breath, and then continued. "How long have been intimate with your partner?"

"How intimate are we talking here? Are we talking emotionally intimate? Because that's been about eleven months, three weeks, four days, eighteen hours, and thirty-odd minutes. Full intercourse? That's ten months, three weeks, six days, thirteen hours, and fifteen minutes. Just sexually intimate? Ten months, three weeks, three days—"

"Thank you." Ibiki had a slightly pained expression on his face, like he was going to have to do something that he didn't want to do. "How…often are you intimate with your partner?"

Kakashi grinned. Here came the part he'd been waiting for. "Oh, Iruka's game for sex almost all the time! He gets cranky if he has to go too long without an endorphin release. It helps keep him his normal, pleasant self! He likes mornings and evenings the best, so we—"

Kakashi didn't need to see the words to know Ibiki was scrawling 'WAY TOO MUCH' on the evaluation sheet. "That's enough, Hatake-san." The tokubetsu jounin's pained expression was quite obvious. "Do you feel that…do you feel that your intimate relationship is…satisfying?"

Anko said that he had better be explicit. Easy enough. "Well, Iruka's really creative! Remember that bit on your desk last month, Hokage-sama? Iruka's brilliant idea! And that cuff incident, Ibiki-san? Also Iruka's idea! And just last week, he did this thing with a piece of cooper wire, a lemon, a velvet dress, and a set of French curves—"

Ibiki hit himself in the face with his clipboard.

"I'll take it that you're satisfied," Tsunade said weakly.

"He's the best lover I've ever had," Kakashi announced. "Absolutely perfect. Plus, he can do this move with his stomach that absolutely blows my—"

"No! That's enough!"

Ibiki hit himself in the face again.

"—Plus he's so flexible! Why, just yesterday, he was able to lick my—"

"STOP TALKING!" Tsunade bellowed, hands clawing at her ears and eyes.

"—And then he did this little thing with some electrical chakra—"

"I ORDER YOU TO STOP THIS, NOW!

Ibiki didn't stop smacking himself with the clipboard.

"Well, you asked," Kakashi said sulkily.

"Remind me to never do that again." Tsunade whimpered. "And you are strictly forbidden from ever doing another dare from Anko ever again! My gods, my brain…I can never un-hear that!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

Ibiki hit himself once more, for good measure, just to make sure those images didn't stay in his head.

Kakashi sat back, and waited for the other two to get their composure back.

Take that, Anko and Gai!

He so won that challenge and dare.

x Fin x