Rule no.2: Do NOT burn down their favourite restaurant!
It was a warm evening, and Wade, who was strutting down the sidewalk in full Deadpool gear, mask and all, was trying his best to look inconspicuous.
His day had started out great….but after a 'not-so-accidental' run-in with Johnny Storm, aka the Human Torch, the merc had been hiding from the 'Flaming Douchebag' ever since.
All he now wanted to do, was get home, grab some day-old pizza that was waiting for him in the fridge, and lounge around watching Cake Boss and drinking whisky, until he finally passed out.
The city looked great at this time of night with everything around him lit up in a warm, evening glow…
But as Wade ambled down the street, something in the window of a tiny little Italian restaurant, all decked out with twinkly fairy-lights, caught his eye.
He stopped, a wide grin spreading across his scarred lips. And with that, Wade had made up his mind, and headed immediately inside...
But Wade had barely made it a foot or two through the door when a short waitress with dark hair and glasses had approached him tentatively.
"D-Do you have a reservation…uhhh, Sir?"
"Yuh-huh," said Wade in a cheery voice, as the woman eyed his masked-face uneasily. "I have a date with that gorgeous blonde on the table over there. You happen to know if she's into guys with mutations and a penchant for tex-mex? Oh, what the hell? I'll try my luck anyhow…"
But the waitress merely gaped, not able to give a reply, as Wade stalked past her, heading over to a table on the far side of the room…
…where the woman of his dreams was sitting alone…peering at a menu…
"Mind if I join you?" said Wade sliding into a chair opposite her. "No? Great. So what are we thinking, the pasta or the-"
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Deadpool?" came the sudden voice of Missy, who was sat there frozen, staring over at him, a dark frown plastered across her features.
She looked lovely tonight, sitting alone on a table set up for three, in a pretty, white, figure-hugging dress, heels and her hair scraped back into a sleek ponytail.
But Wade leaned forwards, placing his chin into his hands.
"Well I was just passing and thought you could do with the company…" he said in playful tone. "Can't have you eating alone. You never know what kind of creeps might try and join you."
But Missy scowled, dropping the menu down onto the table.
"I'm waiting for some friends if you must know," she growled, her green eyes roving over his red and black mask.
"Well maybe I can wait with you until they turn up. Fend off any unwanted advances you might get.…." muttered the merc, with a nod.
At this, Missy merely stared back at him incredulously.
"I think the only unwanted advances I'm getting are from you, Deadpool. And in case there any more guys out there waiting to swoop in, I think I can handle myself thanks very much," she said tutting and picking up the menu once more.
But Wade just smiled.
He liked a challenge as much as the next guy, but she was proving a harder nut to crack than most.
"Oh I'm sure you can," uttered the mercenary, leaning back in his chair and placing his hands behind his head cockily. "Tell me, are you trained to kick-ass and take names like the rest of your buddies over at SHIELD? Or do you like to keep the spanking on the down-low…because I am certainly up for that if you're offering…"
Missy gave a huff, glaring at him over the leather-bound menu in her hands.
"Are you stalking me?" she said in a bored voice. "Is that it?"
But Wade cocked his head to the side.
"I mean…stalking is such a strong word…"he said giving a nervous laugh. "I prefer the term 'accidentally-on purpose bumping into you'…"
Missy rolled her eyes.
"Look, I told you, I'm just not into dating superheroes," she said giving a shake of her head. "I don't like mixing work with pleasure, that's all."
At this, Wade's eyes gleamed.
"Oh, if it's pleasure you're after, you've come to the right fucking guy…and babe, I certainly don't mind exchanging being a superhero for a chance of a night with you," he uttered, before raising his hand and giving a whisper behind it. "Save the kinky spandex costumes for the bedroom instead."
He shot her a wink, which through his mask, she of course, didn't catch.
Missy just rolled her eyes once again, giving a sigh and glancing down at the menu. "You know, if it's intel you're after, I'm only admin," she tutted, flipping over the wine list. "Go bother Steve or Tony, instead."
But Wade ignored her comment, signalling over a waitress, who looked the mercenary (and the weapons at his back) up and down, looking horrified.
"We'll have a bottle of your finest champagne to start, and a some oysters…" said Wade in an obnoxiously loud voice, before turning back to Missy. "..to get us in the mood. Right, my sweet-delectable, sugar-dumpling?"
But Missy scowled, looking up at the startled waitress.
"No we won't," she uttered in a firm voice. "Can you just, uhhh… can you give us a minute?"
The waitress gave a nod and scuttled away, seemingly glad to be moving away from Wade and the guns at his waist.
But the mercenary merely gave an easy sigh as Missy leaned forwards in her seat and glared at him.
"You realise you are maybe the most annoying person I have ever met," she hissed across the table.
But Wade let out a huge grin at this statement, suddenly scooting his chair around the table and coming to sit right beside her.
To his surprise Missy stared him out, her jaw clenched in irritation, as Wade leaned his masked face into hers.
"Y'know I think you and me should become BFF's," he said with a knowing nod. "Yup. With you working for SHIELD, and me pissing Fury off on the regular, we'd be like the odd couple. Getting up to all-sorts of fucking hi-jinks….meeting for lunch….having lots of unbridled sexual tension….maybe making out once in a while…"
Missy rolled her eyes, smirking.
"Are you still talking about you and Fury, or…" she uttered cocking an eyebrow at him.
But this only caused Wade to growl under his breath, a smile twitching at his own lips.
He looked her up and down…
From this angle on the other side of the table, he took in her outfit in full.
"Y'know that dress of yours is super short…" he said in a husky voice, his face lingering close to hers.
He saw Missy lower her chin for a slightly second, before gazing up at him through long, mascara covered eyelashes.
She bit her lip, torturously slowly, before placing her hand gently on Wade's spandex-clad knee…
She leaned in for a moment….her lips moving slowly towards his ear.
"Thanks," she purred. "The designer used your penis as inspiration."
She pulled her hand away and turned back toward the table, as Wade gave a bemused grin.
"Oh, you are literally my perfect woman," he said giving a longing nod. "Sassy, gorgeous, and you haven't run away screaming yet."
Missy looked up at him, a smile creeping over her lips. "Yet…" she murmured, her green eyes meeting his white ones.
And in that moment something passed between the pair…
….something which Wade might have referred to as a spark…
But actually it was NOT a spark in the romantic sense of the word…
But instead a very literal spark…which zipped past them and set a large potted plant beside them on fire.
"I knew I'd find you here, Deadpool," came the sudden angry voice of Johnny Storm from across the restaurant. "I've searched every nook and cranny of this city."
Both Missy and Wade turned to see the angry looking superhero, floating an inch or two above the ground, his body covered in flame.
All around them, people began to scream and yell, scraping back their chairs and running as fast as they could, out of the open restaurant door.
"Look…." said Wade giving a gulp and getting to his feet. "Johnny…can I call you Johnny…or do you prefer Mr Torch?"
But Wade wasn't given an answer, as a flaming fireball, flew past his head, missing him by a mere breath. It instead hit a large red curtain beside the window, sending that up in flames too.
"Look…" continued Wade, suddenly moving around to where Missy was sat and manoeuvring her up and out of her chair. "…I am really, REALLY sorry…"
With that, Wade picked up Missy's purse, pressing it into her hands and pushed her hurriedly in the direction of the door.
"…I mean dowsing you in water like that…." said the merc, wincing. "…especially seeing as you were about forty feet up in the air…I mean…yeah, I know that had probably got to fucking hurt….but hey, I mean look on the bright side….you did land in the Hudson…so it could have been much, MUCH worse…right?"
"Shut up!" shouted the Human Torch angrily, the fire surrounding his body flaring suddenly. "I swear to you, Deadpool….I'm gonna get you back one way or another…five hours it took me to dry out…I couldn't even light a match!"
The last people scuttled quickly out of the restaurant, the entire place encapsulated by flames and thick smoke, but Johnny did not seem to care, in fact his attention was sorely on Wade as he advanced on him.
"…Oh take it from me, performance issues…that can be tough-" Wade started...
… but before he could uttered another word, Johnny had unleashed a large fireball that collided squarely with Wade's stomach…sending him flying backwards and crashing through the window behind him…
There came several loud screams as glass shattered all around him, and Wade landed on his ass on the sidewalk outside.
"Jesus Fucking Christ, I feel like Hugh fucking Grant in Bridget Jones!" he said, giving a groan and pulling himself up onto his elbows. He looked to the side of him where a frightened-looking chef was stood staring at him, horrified. "Y'know the scene where him and Mr Darcy fight in the restaurant and fall through the window…no? You should rent it. It's pure fucking comedy gold!"
From inside the restaurant Wade suddenly heard Johnny Storm give a content laugh, flaoting neatly through the giant hole in the restaurant window, before disappearing off up into the sky.
His work here was obviously done.
"Awww fuck," muttered Wade heaving himself up and onto his feet as watched the Human Torch go, leaving just the merc, an enormous crowd of people, and restaurant now, very much on fire.
Somewhere in the distance, Wade could hear the faint sound of sirens.
But Wade barely had a second to listen to these…as a figure appeared in front of him, looking furious.
"That was my favourite restaurant you just burned down!" snarled Missy accusingly, towering nose to nose with Wade on her high-heels.
"Me?!" uttered Wade in an incredulous voice, pointing up at the sky. "But that was-"
But Missy cut across him, poking him in the smouldering spandex covered chest with her perfectly polished fingernail.
"Don't make excuses! This was your fault," she said jabbing him. "You were goading Johnny into it!"
"I was not- ….wait? …..Johnny?" said Wade giving a dark frown behind his mask. "You two know each other?"
But Missy ignored the question, swatting at Wade's shoulder with her purse.
"Ugh, now where am I going to find those little breadsticks I love?" she said giving a huff of frustration. "Huh?"
Wade looked this way and that, raising his arms aloft, in defeat.
"I could ask the chef-" he started, as she hit him again. "I mean he's right over-"
But with that, Missy pointed a finger at his masked face threateningly, cutting him off.
"My favourite restaurant," she said in a slow, dark and dangerous voice, baring her teeth at him.
But Wade gave a cheery grin behind his mask.
"Hey, look on the bright side," he uttered in a playful voice. "I mean this is only our second date…I mean how much worse can it get?"
But for Wade….it got a lot worse…
For even with super-healing powers, a knee colliding with his testicles still hurt like hell…
Wade clutched at the space between his legs, collapsing onto his knees.
His wide white eyes just managing to focus on Missy's high heels, as she strutted angrily away…
Thanks to srosal1, Legolas Girl 31, jonstar1034, Smaug the Golden, dancindonna and The DaydreamAway for reviewing the last chapter.
Please review! :)