"Edward, could I – "

"Grandpa!"

I fought back a grimace as Renesmee launched herself at me, flinging her arms around my waist with an unmistakably teenage joy. Soon she would stop growing altogether, or so we had been told; much time had passed since the incident through which we had almost lost her, and now she resembled less the adorable immortal child Irina Denali had seen and more one's average girl in her mid-teens…if a little more beautiful than most girls was likely to encounter at Forks High School. With her bronze ringlets and strong facial features she could have been a double of her father, while her deep brown eyes echoed almost eerily back to Bella's human life; in personality, however, she resembled more greatly her carefree aunt Alice than either of her gloomy parents, and for this I was somewhat glad. Halfway in, halfway out of the living room door, I allowed a smile to pass over my lips as my arms cradled the grandchild I had never imagined I would have.

"Weren't you going over to Jacob's house today, Nessie?"

"Not today – "

Thank goodness. It was not, of course, that I disliked Jacob – apart from the smell – and we were now all more than grateful to him and his pack, but there was still always a part of me that was less than thrilled with his relationship with Renesmee. He had been wonderful with her when she was an infant, treating her like a favourite little sibling, and was admirably liberal with her now that she was older, allowing her to date other people and treat him as a close friend until she felt comfortable enough to accept him as a lover – but, when all was said and done, it could not be denied that the whole situation was more than a little goddamn creepy.

" – but oh, Grandpa, guess what!"

I braced myself. "Is Grandpa Charlie coming to visit?"

"No – better!"

"Grandma Renee?" We'd better lock Jasper in the basement again…

"No, nobody's coming!"

I sighed through my gritted teeth, allowing my steady gaze to sweep over the room before me as I set my bag down on the floor. The television was blaring out some mundane sitcom, at which Emmett was chuckling dully; at the other side of the room Edward sat silently brooding, a faint frown already tracing his chiselled features: no doubt he could hear my thoughts perfectly clearly already.

Hell.

"What is it, then?"

Renesmee beamed and finally released me from her grasp, spinning happily around the room and crying out, "Someone's asked me to the school dance!"

"Oh." I bit my lip; perhaps that was a bit too abrupt. "Oh."

"My first, proper, official date – not just like Jake or anything; an actual real, regular boy who likes me!"

"Oh – that's – "

"His name's Adam," she continued in sing-song, "and he's on the football team, and he's liked me for ages, and here – let me show you him – he's – "

I shook away her hand as she reached for my arm, the transferred image of a brawny blonde surfacing in my mind. "Renesmee."

She halted suddenly, sensing my tone. "Grandpa?"

"I think you should…" Well, this is awkward. "…just be a little more cautious, okay?"

"I'm not going to bite – "

"Nessie." I placed a hand on her shoulder. Across the room, Edward's head snapped up. "Just…remember who you are, okay? If this boy is like any other teenager in America, he already knows an awful lot about you, and about all of us. Taking you to prom probably seems like a glamorous opportunity for him."

Renesmee's blood-filled cheeks glowed a soft scarlet; her nose wrinkled in stark distaste. "What you're saying," she began in a tone of measured calm, "is that he doesn't like me for me? That he only asked me out because Mom and Dad and I are famous?"

"Now, Ness, I didn't say that – "

"Yes you did!"

"I did not!"

"Well, you meant it!"

"Renesmee, you know what these fans can be like – "

"It's not fair!" The dark eyes were suddenly swimming with bitter tears. Of course, the waterworks: the one weapon my own children had never been able to use on me. "Just because some stupid writer bought Mommy's story – before I was even born – I have to – to – "

"Renesmee!"

"Emmett, will you please take my daughter outside? I think it's time she went hunting."

Renesmee's teenage tantrum broke off dead; Edward was now standing, and his expression was not the sort any of us were ever glad to see on his face. Anger management difficulties seemed second nature to my son, but I'd never been able to coax him into having any sort of treatment for it – though not, I hasten to add, through lack of trying.

"Thank you, Emmett," I muttered as my brawniest son left the room, my granddaughter squirming in tow.

"Daddy, why – "

"Go, Renesmee." Edward's voice was as hard as his abs, his features arranged in a scowl darker than Aro Volturi's Victorian pornography habit. "I need to talk to Grandpa Carlisle for a moment. In private."

Oh, God.

As the door clicked shut behind Emmett and Nessie, I took a step back – and Edward took a step towards me.

"Edward – "

"Why do you have to ruin things for her, Carlisle?"

"I didn't – "

"She just wants to be normal – or to fit in, at least. Why can't you let her have that?"

"She's just a child. I'm…I'm trying to protect her."

Edward smirked. "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"

"I'm serious, Edward. These fans – some of them – the hardcore ones – they're…well, they're crazy. They have no concept of personal space, or anything like that at all. I was almost assaulted by a pair of them at the hospital today – "

"I know," Edward said, breathing each word in a tone of infuriating calm. "And you came in here, guns blazing, ready to make me do something about it – but Renesmee stopped you, so you took it out on her instead."

Had I been human, my blood would have boiled. "Now, that's not fair, I'm only – "

"She's my daughter, and she wants to go to a dance with a nice, respectable, human boy!"

"Just because he's human doesn't mean he's harmless! I'm – I'm shocked by your behaviour, putting your family at risk like this – "

"At risk?"

"Yes, at risk! Just look at Jasper with that girl the other day – she practically had the tampons up his nose before we could stop her!"

"What does any of this have to do with my daughter going to a dance, having a good time with her – "

"Listen to me!" I so rarely raised my voice that this sudden outburst from my lips genuinely took me by surprised. I stopped, and turned away from Edward, turning my attention instead to the window – Emmett was leading a decidedly sulky Ness along our driveway and towards the forest. It's for her own good, Carlisle, for the good of the family… "The Volturi allowed the publication of Bella's story on three conditions. One, that we use a writing style so hackneyed that no one could ever possibly want to read it – "

"Well, that didn't work," Edward cut in dryly.

"Two, that we change the location of their whereabouts in the published version, and three…" I shook my head. "Three, that we were able to keep the humans under control. If we can't do that, Aro isn't going to be pleased."

"Look, Carlisle." Edward seemed subdued now, seeing the sense in my statement. "I can't deal with this right now. Bella doesn't want me to…" He paused, then shook his head. "She'll be back from hunting soon – Bella. Can't we discuss it then?"

Along our driveway, I detected the sound of a distant clatter: those crazy bastards were obviously bringing in ladders again. Freaking fangirls! "It's fine. If you don't think there's anything you can do…"

"Well, I've tried everything I can already; I don't know what you expect me to do!"

Come out as gay? Diss the Jonas Brothers? Sleep with Kelly Osbourne?

"I don't know, Edward, I just don't know – but we can't go on like this."

A pause fell between us; Edward ran a hand through his hair, and I pressed my hands against the clear glass of the window. She'll be back from hunting soon – Bella. There would be no hope of talking to him then; he never had room to think of anything else when his wife was around.

"I'd…better go and see what Alice is doing. Upstairs."

I glanced around in time to see him slip out through the living room door, shutting it quietly behind him as he went to chase his excuse. Of course, he could just read her mind from down here if he was that interested in what she was doing.

I sighed, and drew the curtains across the window with an agitated flourish. Down the driveway, the clattering ladders were getting louder – along with trailing, scraping, giggling and rapid use of the word gorgeous. I could smell them now, too: there were two or three at the most, designer-clad brats chewing minty gum and saturated in whorish perfume.

Well, how brilliant.

If Edward wasn't going to help me, I was going to have to take care of these idiots myself.