Abby faces up to the demons of her past, and then faces a massive moral dilemma. Warning, contains child abuse and implied rape, please don't read it that sort of thing offends/upsets
Abby sat on her bed, her head resting on her bent knees, arms wrapped around herself. Her head was numb. She thought all the demons of her past had been pushed permanently to the back of her head, but today's events has forced them well and truly out into the open again. The old wounds hurt like it had all happened yesterday. She should have realised when she was the other side of the anomaly that her past was catching up on her. The place looked familiar because she had been there as a child, visiting her grandparents, and that man had thought he knew her. Abby looked very much like her grandmother on her mother's side – and maybe that was who the man thought she was. Her mother and father had grown up only a few streets away from each other.
Connor had taken David out for pizza to give Abby some space. She had wanted him to take David away for good, but neither could think of anywhere suitable at such short notice. In the end, she'd agreed David could stay one night, but tomorrow they would have to make alternative arrangements. She'd heard Connor and David come home about half an hour ago and they'd been laughing and talking. It was quiet now, and she guessed Connor had put David to bed.
There was a quiet knock on the door. "Abs? Is it OK if I come in?" Connor whispered.
"Yeah." She said, not really sure if she wanted him to see her like this or not. He came in, carrying two mugs of hot chocolate and half smiling.
"You OK?" he said, sitting on the end of the bed and handing her a mug.
"What do you think?" she muttered, unable to make eye contact with him.
"If you want to talk about anything…" Connor said.
"I ended that part of my life ten years ago, Connor. I've not talked about it since. It's not something I want to even think about." Abby felt her chest tighten and she felt anger swelling inside her. She couldn't believe the man who had ruined her life was suddenly back in it.
"That's fine, but I do know that talking about stuff helps. I'm a good listener." Connor leaned forward and rested his hand on her knee. She looked up for the first time since he'd come in. His heart felt like it had been stabbed, he hated seeing Abby so hurt. Her eyes were cold, distant, and yet he sensed a vulnerability about her he hadn't seen before. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and make everything OK, but he knew she would only push him away.
She sighed and leaned back, straightening her legs. "Just come and sit with me." She said, patting the space on the bed next to her. He shuffled himself up and leaned against the headboard. "Thanks." She whispered, resting her head on his shoulder.
They remained in silence for several minutes, just drinking their hot chocolate. Abby's anger was slowly turning to pain, and her stomach was tying up in knots. She was fighting tears and losing. A solitary tear trickled down her cheek. Without saying a word, she felt Connor's hand gently wipe the tear away and then move away. This simple gesture opened the flood gates and she couldn't stop the tears flowing. She felt his arm move around her shoulder and she buried her face into his chest.
Abby awoke and glanced at the clock beside her bed. It was just after 3am. She had fallen asleep in Connor's arms. She glanced up at him, he was sleeping peacefully with his head resting on the headboard behind him. She felt so at ease with him and wondered if maybe she could confide in him, at least some of it. He had been such a loyal and wonderful friend, she owed him some kind of explanation. Not really wanting to move, she decided they needed a duvet or blanket to wrap around themselves. As she tried to wriggle out, Connor stirred and woke.
"Sorry, Conn, didn't want to wake you. I was just getting a duvet, it's cold." He moved his arm and she gathered up the duvet to pull it around them. She snuggled back into him, feeling safe and ready to talk. "If I tell you about my past, would it change anything?" she whispered.
"Why would it change anything, Abby? The things that happen to us in our past are what make us the people we are now. Whatever happened to you has made you into a strong, intelligent and beautiful woman. It's that person that counts, not how you got here." Connor tightened his hold on her. He felt her relax a little, then take a deep breath.
"My father was an alcoholic. I don't remember a time when he wasn't drinking. At first, he would just come home smelling of beer and get into an argument with my mum. Then it got worse, he would shout and throw things, and Jack and I soon learnt to disappear up to our rooms very quickly. We sat night after night listening to them fighting, and sometimes it would be so bad, Jack would get scared and come and get in my bed." Abby paused and swallowed. Now that she had started, she couldn't stop. Connor was just looking at her, waiting, listening.
"When I was about nine, we suddenly moved house in the middle of the day. We were kept off school and had to pack everything we could into a few bags and we left. It was just the three of us, Mum, Jack and me. Mum said it was because Dad didn't want us any more. It was OK for a while, we moved into a little flat across the other side of town. Mum cried a lot and shut herself away, leaving me to take care of Jack. This went on for months, she never cleaned up or went shopping, or cooked. If it wasn't for me, Jack and I would have starved. Someone reported us to social services and we had a visit from a social worker. The day after, we moved out again."
Connor shifted slightly. He had always sensed Abby had not had the same, carefree childhood that he had had, but he hadn't realised just how bad things had been. He felt guilty that he'd taken so much for granted as a child, and never really showed his appreciation. He made a mental note to go and see his mum the next weekend he had off and do something nice for her. Abby took a deep breath and continued.
"Things were OK for a little while, Mum started making a bit of an effort at the new place. Then I started getting the blame for everything. If the dinner burnt, it was my fault; if the kitchen was a mess, it was my fault… I couldn't do anything right. She kept telling me I was a waste of space, just like my father, and after a while I started believing it. We got another visit from a social worker, and that was my fault too. I must have told tales to a teacher or something she reckoned, and I got a slap." Abby closed her eyes and she felt her body tense. Connor's hand stroked her arm gently.
"You don't have to say more if you don't…" he whispered.
"It's OK. You were right. Talking about it does help. It's just … this is very painful, you know?" she placed her hand on his. She trusted Connor with her life, and now she was trusting him with the skeleton in her closet too. "Jack and I were taken into care, and after a few weeks they traced our father. He wanted us to go and live with him and his new wife, and they granted him custody. They had a big house and it seemed like dad had stopped drinking. My step mum, Michelle, wasn't that bothered about us though, and we were left to our own devices really. We were reasonably happy, I was 12 and started going to the local High school, and Jack was at the Primary school across the street. He waited for me after school and we'd play in the park before going home. Then it happened." Abby felt sick.
"It was just before I turned 13. We had been to the park as usual and came home like we had done most evenings. Michelle had gone out, left me and Jack alone. When dad got home, he'd had a few drinks and was angry that she wasn't there. Jack tried to tell him it was alright, but this made him worse. He took off his belt and began to hit Jack with it." Abby was struggling now. She felt Connor's hold on her tighten, and she felt safe. She had to carry on.
"I jumped in between them, Jack was only seven and I couldn't let him be beaten like that. I looked into dad's eyes and I saw something that absolutely petrified me. He hit me several times with the belt, ignoring my screams to stop, and calling me a 'stupid whore'. I yelled at Jack to get away, to go and find Michelle, and he ran off. In that brief moment of distraction, I was punched and forced down onto the sofa." Abby's face crumpled as she tried to hold back her anger and her tears. "I begged him to stop, but all he did was put his hand over my mouth. He said I was dirty whore just like my mother and I needed to be taught a lesson. He was kneeling on my thighs, pushing my legs apart … and I froze. I closed my eyes and just … I heard his zip unfasten and inside my head I was screaming and screaming, but no sound would come out. He … he … Connor, hold me!" she finally broke down, sobbing uncontrollably.
Connor wrapped himself around Abby, feeling her entire body trembling. He was battling his emotions too. He had never been able to understand how any man could do something like that to a woman, but getting his head around a father doing that to his own daughter… He couldn't believe that sweet little boy asleep in his bed upstairs would grow up into such a monster. "It's OK, Abby." He whispered. "He won't hurt you again. I won't let anyone hurt you." He let her cry, gently rocking backwards and forwards and stroking her hair.
After a few minutes, her sobbing eased, and Connor loosened his hold slightly. "What happened to your father after that?" he whispered.
"Michelle came home, Jack had found her next door. The police arrested him and we were taken back into care. I know he was jailed, and I think he got out a few years ago. I don't know to be honest. As far as I'm concerned, both my parents are dead."
"I don't know what to say, Abby. I can't believe you went through all that and ended up as wonderful as you are now." Connor said.
"Wonderful isn't a word I'd use. I became a very unpleasant person to be around. I got into fights at school, I ran away from at least 4 different sets of Foster Parents, and got arrested for shop lifting."
"But you turned your life around, Abby. That takes a lot of guts. What happened?"
"Work experience. I jokingly told the teacher I wanted to work with animals, just to stop her asking me more questions. I ended up being placed at Wellington Zoo for two weeks, working with a guy called Zach in the reptile house. I realised that was where I wanted to be, and I decided to knuckle down at school and do whatever it took to get there. Zach helped me get a job there in the school holidays, and he also got me interested in kick boxing - 'something to help me focus my anger in a more positive way.' He was right. Until today, I had no idea my father wanted to be a zookeeper and was interested in reptiles. Maybe my mother was right, I am like him."
"You are nothing like him, Abby." Connor said.
Abby kissed him softly on the cheek. "Thank you, for listening, for understanding and for not judging." She yawned, suddenly feeling very tired, and snuggled into Connor. Her eyelids felt heavy, and the next thing she knew, daylight was streaming through the curtains and the clock at the side of her bed read 8:30.
Connor had been awake for about an hour, and he had crept out of Abby's bed into the lounge. He needed a little time on his own to get his head around what Abby had told him. He knew sympathy was the last thing she wanted, but he couldn't believe she had kept this to herself for so long. It was no wonder she found it hard to trust anyone. The two most important people in her life that should have protected and loved her were the two people who had hurt her the most. He heard David stirring upstairs. How could he face that little boy now, knowing what he did? It was better for all of them if David went somewhere else, and soon.
"Morning, mate." Connor said, as David's tiny face peeped around the corner. "Would you like some toast?"
"Yes please." He said. He perched on a chair by the table and sat waiting patiently for Connor to make his toast. He devoured it hungrily. Connor laughed. He'd noticed David do the same last night too when they had pizza. Good to see a kid with a healthy appetite he thought.
Abby emerged from the bedroom. Her head spinning after everything that had happened. Seeing Connor sitting there with the boy confused her. He was a child, but all she could see was the man that had hurt her so much. "Is there enough toast left for me?" she said uneasily.
"Connor will make you some more." David giggled.
"Good, I'm starving!" she said, smiling at Connor. "Did you sleep in those clothes, David?"
David nodded. "Left my pyjamas at home."
"Take them off and at least let me run an iron over them." Abby said. David's smile and his mass of unkempt blonde hair reminded her of Jack, and her instincts told her he needed looking after. David looked at her and his smiled changed to a look of fear. "It's OK, if you're shy, go into the bathroom with Connor and give him your clothes. You can have a wash whilst I iron your clothes if you like."
David obediently followed Connor into the bathroom. After a few minutes, Connor came out, ashen faced. "What's wrong, Connor?" Abby asked.
"He's skin and bone, Abby. I could see his ribs. It's like he hasn't eaten properly in weeks." Connor was shaking his head.
"Maybe he's just naturally slim, or fussy with his food." Abby said. "A lot of kids are."
"No, the way he ate that pizza and his toast this morning … there's more too, Abby. He had bruises all over him." Connor slumped down on the sofa, feeling sick right to the pit of his stomach. He knew what he'd seen was not a simple case of a clumsy child that had fallen over in the playground.
Abby felt sick as well. Her father had been an abuse victim too, which perhaps didn't surprise her. She had never felt comfortable at her grandparents home, and she stayed well clear of them. "What do we do, Connor?" she said.
"If this was a child from the present day, I'd have no hesitation. I'd be on the phone to social services right now." Connor said. "But this isn't straight forward."
Abby nodded. "If he doesn't go back, then I will never be born. But we can't send him back to…" the door of the bathroom clicked open and David peered around.
"Connor, can I have my clothes?" he said.
"Of course, mate. Hang on." Connor grabbed the shorts and t-shirt and gave them to David.
Abby had gone to the ARC, leaving Connor with David at the flat. She really did not know what to do. Connor had said it was "her call" and that whatever she decided, he would go along with ot. She thought back to Connor's words the night before about how the things that happened in your past were what made you the person you are now. If she changed what her father was going through, would it in turn change her past and ultimately change her?
"Hey Abby, how's your house guest?" Danny said. "Have you left Connor babysitting?"
"Yeah. He's better at that sort of stuff than I am."
"You alright?"
"Tough night. Danny … that boy. He's my father." Abby swallowed hard.
"Woah! That must have been a bit weird?"
Abby nodded. "Not in a good way either. Let's just say, things between me and my family are awkward. I was in foster care a lot of the time."
"Ah, I'm sorry."
"So we need to get David out of our flat really, the sooner the better. Any ideas?"
"Lester. He's got kids right? Maybe David could stay with him until the anomaly reopens?"
Within an hour, it was all organised and Connor was on his way to Lester's with David. One of Lester's sons was about the same age as David, so at least he would be able to get some clean clothes. Connor felt a pang of sadness as he watched David disappear into the house, but he knew it was for the best. The question was, what did they do when the anomaly reopened?
That evening, Abby and Connor were sat on the sofa thinking about David.
"He has to go back, Abby. There's no question about it." Connor said.
"I know. But it's what he's going back to. He must have been abused throughout his childhood without anyone realising."
"And the abused became the abuser. His life in a vicious circle. There's no excuse for what he did to you, but maybe if his own life was better he wouldn't have turned into the person he did."
Abby looked thoughtful, and then worried. "Do you think that'll happen to me? Do you think I'll end up being as bad as my mother, or him?"
"No way, Abs!" Connor put his arm around her. "You've already broken that cycle of abuse. You turned your life around and you are going to be a fantastic mum one day!" Connor felt himself blush, and he pulled away.
"I can't just let him go back to his parents and not do anything to try and help him, Connor." She felt tears filling her eyes.
"Me either. I don't know what to do yet, but when he goes back, I'm going with him." Connor took a deep breath. Abby leaned over and kissed his cheek, making him blush again.
They only had to wait two days for the phonecall from one of Becker's men. The anomaly had reopened, it was time for them send David home. Connor still hadn't decided what to do, but he had promised Abby that he wouldn't just send David back without doing something.
"Are you ready, mate? I bet your mum and dad have missed you." Connor said. He had a tear in his eye. What was he condemning this boy to and more importantly, what was he condemning Abby to? David clung to Connor's leg.
"I don't want to go, Connor!" he said. "I like it here."
Connor knelt down and placed both his hands on David's shoulders. "I know, but you don't belong here. It's important that you go back. I know things at home might not be as nice as they should be, but you can change that. There are lots of grown ups you can trust you know."
David looked at Connor, blinking away his tears. "I wish you were my daddy."
Connor felt a lump in his throat. This was the hardest thing he had ever done. "Come on, before this thing closes again." He took David's hand in his and they walked through the anomaly.
Abby was watching from the car. As Connor and David disappeared, she felt a rush of relief sweep over her. She could shut that chapter of her life away again, he was going back to where he belonged. She began to sob, torn between the hate she felt for her father and the concern for a small child going through a terrible experience she knew too well.
Connor watched David go back into his own house, greeted by a woman he assumed was his mother. She hugged him and he heard her say "Where have you been?" He hoped it was said with worry and love, and not with anger. He suddenly became aware that both his fists were clenched tight. He wasn't a violent person, but everything he'd heard the last few days had made him angry. Part of him wanted to walk in there and punch whoever it was that was abusing David and for ultimately making Abby's childhood so miserable. He stood staring at the closed front door for several minutes, his heart pounding hard in his chest. Finally, he swallowed and turned away, knowing there was only one thing he could do.
He found a telephone box on the corner of the street, and dialled directory enquiries. "I need a number for social services." He said.
Abby saw Connor walk back through the anomaly and she got out of the car. He looked physically and mentally exhausted. She ran over to him and hugged him tight, his arms circled around her and squeezed her back. "It's done." He whispered.
"What did you do?" she whispered back.
"I gave his name and address to social services, said I was a concerned neighbour. What else could I do, Abby?"
"I know. Thank you." They made their way slowly back to the car, arms around each other.
They say as one door closes, another one opens. Abby felt a door open as she looked at Connor. He now knew everything there was to know about her, and she understood a little more about what had happened to her. She was beginning to trust people again, starting with Connor, and it felt good.