AN: Hey everybody! Thanks for the reviews! Sorry for the delay, but my stupid computer crashed because it likes to fuck with me lol Anyway, here's the chapter, and please r & r. It makes me happy :)
Phantom of the Opera: On Crack ACT 1 PART 2
CARLOTTA: (making awful screechy noises that sound like a mix between a coked up billy goat and Frank N. Furter trying to do a Rebecca Black impression)
ERIK(up in the rafters): Ew.
CARLOTTA'S MAID: It would be hilarious if that back drop just fell on her ass.(epic foreshadowing)
PIANGI: (making a series of odd sounds that sound like The Count from "Sesame Street" and Rotti from "Repo! The Genetic Opera" combined. It's quite dreadful.)
MEG: (whispers to Christine) My ass could sing better than these people.
LEFEVRE: Greetings, you talentless hacks!
REYER: WHAT THE HECK? NOOOBODY INTERRUPTS MY EFFING REHEARSALS, ESPECIALLY DURING PIANGI'S CRAPPY SOLO!
PIANGI: Hey-a! Im-a standing-a right-a here-a!
REYER: If you shut up right now you can have this Twinkie.
PIANGI: GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME-
REYER: (chucks Twinkie at Piangi)
PIANGI: Yay! (inhales Twinkie)
ERIK: What's a Twinkie? Sounds kinda gay...(sing songy voice) Piangi likes boys!
LEFEVRE: Can I have your attention please? Now, I have done some thinking, have come to realize that I hate you all. I never liked any of you, probably never will, and since I hate all of you, why stick around, you know? So, I've decided to retire and sell the opera house!
EVERYONE: (gasp)
LEFEVRE: Yes, yes, I know. Huge shocker. I would like you to meet the poor bastards-er...I mean... extremely fortunate gentlemen who purchased this...(snicker) fine establishment, Monsieur Blah-Blah-Blah-I-can't-remember-your-name-and-don't- care-enough-to-try, and Monsieur Shama-lama-ding-dong!
ANDRE: Actually, my name is Monsieur Andre-
FIRMIN: And I am Monsieur Firmin...
LEFEVRE: And I don't give a rat's left ass cheek.
FIRMIN: Lovely. Anywho, as your new managers, we are honored to introduce our new patron, the Vicomte de Chagney!
ERIK: Sounds like a tool.
*ENTER RAOUL*
CHRISTINE: Oh...my...goodness...Do you know know who that is? That's Raoul! We were childhood sweethearts!
MEG: O...M...G...(squeely) HE IS SUCH A SUPER MEGA HOTTIE!
(Christine and Meg hop up and down squeeling like preppy cheerleaders)
ERIK: (gag) That hair is definitely a weave... I bet it's made of squirrel fur.
RAOUL: My parents are honored to support the arts, but I'm just in it to flaunt the fact that I'm rich, because money makes you sexier.
EVERYONE: (applause)
RAOUL: It's true! Let's say that there's a deformed, music obsessed, phsycopath living in the bastment of say...an opera house like say...the Opera Populaire. Make him a millionaire, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to do him!
MADAME GIRY: I cannot...believe...he just said that.
ERIK: (speechless)
ERIK: Okay...I'm gonna kill this motherfucker...
FIRMIN: Vicomte? Please allow me to introduce Signora Carlotta Giudicelli, our lead soprano-(under his breath) for five miserable seasons- and her fuck buddy, Piangi!
CARLOTTA: (walks up to Raoul and shakes his hand) *batting her eye lashes* Why-a, it-a is-a a pleasure-a to-a meet-a you-a, Monsieur handsome, rich, Vicomte...By-a the-a way-a, I do-a give-a private shows in-a my-a dressing-a room-a, if-a you-a know-a what-a I-a mean-a.(wink wink)
RAOUL: Umm...okay...
PIANGI: (glare)
ERIK: (snicker)Carlotta totally wants to rape Raoul.
(Raoul walks by Christine, totally ignoring her.)
MEG: He totally ignored you Chris! THAT MEANS I STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM! COME BACK RAOUL! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!
CHRISTINE: (in a fetal postion, rocking back and fourth) Angst...angst...angst...angst...
MME. GIRY: BLAH BLAH BLAH AND SHAMALAMADINGDONG! MOVE IT! MY DANCERS MUST REHEARSE! (ballerinas dance) We have the best dancers in the universe ever because we're beasty.
ANDRE: WOAH! BONER ALERT! WHO IS THAT BLOND ANGEL?
MME. GIRY: Erm...That would be my daughter.
ANDRE: Oh...Er...well...Completely disregard that last comment. I just-HOLY CRAP! WHAT ABOUT THE BRUNETTE?
MME. GIRY: She is like my daughter.
ANDRE: POOP!
CARLOTTA: (starts her awful singing again)
ERIK: (cringes at awful high note) OW! HER STUPID VOICE JUST POPPED A BLOOD VESSEL IN MY EYE!
*Song ends and CARLOTTA has a bitch fit for no apparent reason.*
CARLOTTA: YOU-A BUTTHOLES LIKE-A THE-A DANCING-A GIRLS-A MORE-A THAN-A ME-A! IM-A TAKING-A MY-A DOGGY-A AND-A LEAVING-A! FUCK-A YOU-A ALL-A!
ERIK: Don't let the door hit you in the ass in the way out.
ANDRE & FIRMIN: NOOO! WAIT! WE LOVE YOU! WE ARE NOTHING WITHOUT YOU! DON'T GOOO!
CARLOTTA: (thinks) Oh, alright-a. I sing-a for-a you-a! (clears throat) IF-A YOU-A LIKE-A IT-A THEN-A YOU-A SHOULD-A PUT-A A RING-A ON-A IT-A!
ERIK: Oh no, fuck that! (knocks scenery down on top on Carlottawho gets really pissed)
CARLOTTA: WHAT-A THE SHIT-A WAS-A THAT-A?
MME. GIRY: (glares up at Erik)
ERIK: I'm sorry, but someone had to shut that bitch up.
LEFEVRE: JOSEPH BUQUET! HONESTLY, YOUR JOB IS SO EASY, DUMB & DUMBER COULD DO IT PERFECTLY, AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO SCREW IT UP!
BUQUET: Don't look at me! I wasn't at my post because I was in the bathroom taking a gigantic dump. I think someone spiked my drink with Miralax.
CARLOTTA: EW-A! THAT'S-A DISGUSTING-A!
ERIK: (snicker)
MME. GIRY: (glares up at Erik)
ERIK: What? I needed to get him away from his post, and if I'm going to carry out my devious plots, I may as well have fun while I'm doing it...
CARLOTTA: (turns to Andre and Firmin) WHAT-A THE-A HELL-A KIND-A OF-A THEATER-A DO-A YOU-A ASS-A WIPES THINK-A YOU-A ARE-A RUNNING-A?
ANDRE: HOW THE F$%* SHOULD WE KNOW? WE JUST GOT HERE!
FIRMIN: We are dreadfully sorry, but with all due respect, your for shit singing could have caused it to fall all on it's own- Aww, I said that out loud, didn't I?
ERIK: Dayumm...Carlotta, girl, is you gon' take dat from him?
CARLOTTA: (seething with anger)THATS-A IT-A! YOU-A CAN-A ALL-A SUCK IT, BECAUSE-A IM-A LEAVING-A! PIANGI! GET-A YOUR-A ASS-A OUT-A TO-A THE-A CARRIAGE-A!(leaves)
PIANGI: COMING-A HONEY BUNCH!
PIANGI: (turns to Andre and Firmin) *snaps fingers in a Z formation* (leaves)
ANDRE & FIRMIN: (horrified)
LEFEVRE: Oh, how unfortunate... Anyway, I suppose this is where I make like tree and get the fuck out of here. You can handle it can't you, gentleman?
FIRMIN: But-
LEFEVRE: I knew I could count on you both! You'll all be in my prayers as I'm partying with strippers in Australia. (races for the door)
FIRMIN: Okay...okay...don't panic. We got this!
ANDRE: Absolutely! We don't need her. We'll just have to use her understudy. See? Problem solved.
REYER: DID YOUR MOTHER FEED YOU STUPID JUICE WHEN YOU WERE A BABY? THERE IS NO UNDERSTUDY FOR LA CARLOTTA!
FIRMIN: NO UNDERSTUDY FOR THE LEADING LADY? WHAT KIND OF BACKWARDS ASS THEATRE IS THIS?
ANDRE: YOU IDIOT! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! WE'VE NO LEAD AND IT'S OPENING NIGHT! WERE SCREWED!
*Pandemonium breaks out. Andre and Firmin are rolling around on the ground sobbing, CHRISTINE is back in a fetal position, a random lady runs by with her hair on fire, several fist fights break out, and ERIK is watching it all from the rafters, laughing hysterially.*
END ACT 1 PART 2