Another cracky drabble since Lucy pairs so well with almost everyone. Seriously, she's Fairy Tail's Tony Stark(does that make Natsu Steve or Pepper, lol).
Disclaimer in Chapter 1.
"Luce, we need to talk," Natsu said, approaching the unsuspecting blonde who was just sitting at the guild bar, drinking her usual shake.
Lucy turned to blink at her partner, he had been acting shifty for the last couple days but she knew he would come to her when he was ready to talk. She smiled at him, "What's up Natsu?"
"Lucy, I know." the fire dragon slayer said, straight-faced and serious.
"Know what exactly?" the blonde prompted when Natsu didn't continue.
"That you're in love with me." Natsu bit out, he was trying to be quiet but the usual people who sat along the bar went silent, all ears going to the conversation. "I know you're in love with me but I can't return those feelings. I'm sorry."
Lucy gaped at her partner in disbelief.
"I hope we can still be friends," Natsu added quickly, sincerely, "And don't worry Luce, I'll help you find someone who could love you and help you keep them."
Further along the bar, Makarov choked on his beer. Lucy couldn't even feel offended, she could only stare in horror at the trainwreck that was happening before her.
Apparently, it was about to get worse because Natsu's cheeks stained red and his eyes dropped to the ground, "And I know, you're probably experiencing...urges."
Cana fell off her stool, trying desperately to smother her laughs in her barrel.
"Oh sweet stars." Lucy whispered, her horrified gaze never leaving the pinkette, "Is Natsu giving me the sex talk right now?"
"There's nothing wrong with them!" Natsu insisted immediately, apparently having heard her and misinterpreted her, "It's completely natural. I just don't want you to go off with some random..." he swallowed hard, "It's not safe...I-I've heard about special-"
"For the love of Mavis shut up!" Lucy shouted, her hand shooting out and covering Natsu's mouth.
The blonde's shout had drawn the attention of the rest of the guild; who quickly found their favorite Celestial Spirit Mage with her hand over a red-faced Natsu's mouth while Cana rolled on the floor laughing, Makarov seemed to be hacking up a lung on the bar top, and Mira had her hand over her mouth, her face pale.
Lucy let out a long-suffering sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose with her free hand, "Natsu, the only love I hold for you is familial love, you're like a brother to me." Natsu's eyebrows scrunched in confusion, "As for the rest of that mess...dear Mavis, I don't even know how to..." she trailed off when she noticed their audience, "Never mind, I know exactly how to address that."
The Celestial Mage released her partner and climbed up on the bar, "In case you missed it, Natsu thinks I need help finding someone who could love me and keeping that person." Lucy announced, a ripple of disbelief ran through the guild, "Please, sound off if you could see yourself being up to the hardship that is loving me. In a real relationship."
"Well, if you're taking applications for the position Blondie I may as well put mine at the top." Laxus threw out without hesitation, grinning at the blonde from the second floor.
"Princess!" Loke shouted, appearing in a burst of gold, "Obviously I should be the one to cherish you! Let's run away and get married!"
"No way, Loke." Gray huffed, shoving the spirit before looking to Lucy, "I would definitely be in a relationship with you, Lucy."
Somewhere in a dark corner of the guild, the Water Woman whispered, "A polyamorous relationship with my precious Gray and Love Rival. Juvia had not considered that."
"It would be an honor to court you Lady Lucy," Freed said with a slight bow.
Several other voices overlapped before Elfman shouted over the din, "Dating Lucy would be super manly!"
"Count me in Cosplayer." Bickslow cackled, "You've got a beautiful soul and a bangin'-"
"Shove off Bickslow!" Cana yelled, jumping to her feet, "If anyone is going to get to date Lucy it's me!"
"Give it up Drunkard!" Gajeel yelled, "Bunny wants a man who can please her. Like me. Gihi."
"Actually, I'm pansexual." Lucy piped up.
"Pansexual, you say?" a chocolaty rich voice purred, a puff of black smoke appeared behind Lucy and a perfectly manicured hand tilted her chin up as the rest of a body materialized from the smoke, "So you would not be totally against a Demon King?" Mard Geer asked, he smirked at the surprised blonde, "After all, who better for a Princess than a King?"
Said King was quickly sent flying by a scaled and an armored fist. Lucy blinked when she found Mira and Erza in front of her, Mira in full Satan Soul and Erza in her Heaven's Wheel armor, both having shoved Natsu back.
"I shall be your knight Lucy." Erza said sternly, "My swords are at your command."
"I never knew you were open to the same gender, Lucy," Mira said, releasing her transformation, "I would love to take you to dinner some time."
The doors to the guild flew open and a cocky voice rang out, "If Bright Eyes wants to date someone batshit insane, why would she choose you when she could have me?"
"You're more liable to poison her without thinking, Cobra." Midnight yawned from where he and the entirety of Crime Sorcire stood in the guilds doorway, "Dawn should date me. We're both stronger at night and I..." he dozed off against the door frame.
Again, more voices overlapped as those who already sounded off began to argue among themselves who would be the best for Lucy. At some point, somehow, mages from Sabertooth arrived.
"I would definitely date you if I wasn't already with Sting," Yukino said softly to Lucy.
The light dragon slayer grinned at Lucy, "I'm sure we could make room for a third."
"Lucy deserves to be first." Rogue reprimanded, knocking Sting in the head. "I would put her first."
"Fro thinks so too." the little exceed exclaimed, Lucy cooed down at the little cat and many of the potentials in the guild glared at Rogue for using his secret weapon.
The shattering of a window and the crash of the armor in the center of the guild had everyone stopping to see who had joined them now.
The armored brunette man shot to his feet, "Never fear my love! For I, Dan Straight, am here to provide you with the love you need! We are fated to be together!"
Lucy blanched, "I wouldn't date you if you were the last being on Earthland Dan!" the blonde shouted.
"You heard the lady!" Gray snapped, cracking his knuckles and preparing his magic, "Get out!"
"Yes, leave." Ogra growled, "Obviously she'll be choosing me. The Real Thunder God."
"Over my dead body wannabe!" Laxus snarled.
"I will protect Lucy's honor!" Erza screamed, brandishing her swords.
"Guess whoever wins gets to date Bright Eyes huh?" Cobra grinned, letting his scales cover his hands.
"Oh, you're on Snakeface!" Canna yelled, pulling out her cards.
The guild soon became the site for the massive brawl over Lucy.
The blonde simply perched herself on the counter to watch the proceedings. She couldn't see half what happened because of the magical attacks being tossed around but she did catch glimpses of the action. She did wonder when Lyon had shown up though and seeing Flare's hair wriggling through the mass of bodies was a surprise, as was Princess Hisui who was directing her Captain to poke at the mass of bodies from the edge of the group. Seeing both Jellal and Mystogan in the brawl was mystifying (the blonde snickered to herself), but she was sure that there was a good reason for the latter's return to Earthland (or maybe it was just the Fairy Tail craziness calling him home).
"Lucy?" Natsu started, softer than before. The blonde looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean...I shouldn't have said..."
Lucy rolled her eyes, "Honestly Natsu. It was embarrassing but now? I ain't even mad. I mean," she gestured to the brawl, "just look at all the fine choices I have."
"Yes," Mard's voice came again, just as Lucy felt strong arms lift her up into a bridal carry, "'Choices'." the Demon King mocked, "Let me help you with that My Queen."
"Mard's got, Lucy!" Mirajane shouted, already in Satan Soul: Sitri.
"Get him!" Levy shrieked.
"Let us depart," Mard said calmly even as he made a run for it, Lucy tucked close to his chest.
Lucy just allowed herself to be carried away, she wasn't feeling particularly endangered. No, she felt rather loved. As long as it wasn't Dan Straight (shudder), she knew she would be fine. Urges and all.