Feeling Lonely
Written by The Main Slayer
Author note: story takes place in Buffy season 2 after Angel has turned. Buffy's POV.
Summary: Buffy's feelings after Angel loses his soul, following previous story 'Feeling Helpless'

Dear Diary,

It has been over a week since Angel turned. Every time I see him or think of him I am reminded of how much I love him. I know that the man that stands today is no longer the Angel that I knew, but I can't help but feel that somehow, he is still there. The other day I was walking around downtown and I spotted him and I just had to follow him…

It was really late at night. I was walking to the store for my mom when a shadow danced across the ground. For a moment, I thought that it might be him…turning around I noticed that it was him, but I knew in my heart that it wasn't. Not anymore. He was walking alone, deliberately taking in every thing he saw and everyone. I knew what he was thinking now, but for a moment, I wanted to believe that it was Angel again. I decided to follow him. He crossed the street and ducked down an ally. I made sure to hug tight to the shadows in hopes that he didn't hear the sound of my pounding heart. Waiting only a moment, I passed a couple holding hands and thought of him. I remembered in that instance the night he walked me home. It was right after our first "fight" about Xander and his feelings towards me. Angel had finally admitted that he was somewhat jealous of Xander; that night he walked me home, hand in hand. It had been a simple gesture, but it meant more to me than he would ever have known. Holding my breath I passed the couple and followed him farther into the ally. I ducked behind several trash bins before I stopped. He was there…feeding…

In that instance I knew that he was no longer Angel. I had never seen anything like it. I mean I have seen vampires feed before, but this was Angel and he was feeding off a young woman who probably thought that she was getting…oh god! I don't even want to think about what that man promised her. Ever since it happened I have felt like my heart has been torn out of my chest. Like there is a gaping wound where my heart should be. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think, and it even hurts to function. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning; all I want to do is hide away from the world. I love him; and you want to know the funny thing? I still do. Every time I get scared, every time I need a friend my first and only instinct is to run to Angel so that he can say something to make it better. But I know that I can't. I feel like my life is out of my control and I hate that. I have always had at least some control of the things that I do, but now…I don't know. I don't know what I want to do…I know what I have to do, but how can I kill the man I love? There are times when I want to run away. I would be so easy to run and never look back. But would that really solve all my problems? Would it really save my friends from what he might do to them? My mom tries to help but there really isn't much she can do…

It had been a Friday night. We had just finished dinner and I was helping her clean up. I was drying the dishes as my mom washed. It had been quiet for the last two hours and the silence I knew was killing her. But I just wasn't in the mood for talking. As I stood, drying dishes, my mom's hands slipped and a plate fell. That was the second time in a week that my mom had dropped a plate while doing dishes.

"Wow, that must be a record." I said, picking up the pieces. Wincing, I pulled back with a small cut on my finger.

"Are you okay?" My mom asked me. Nodding slowly, I moved to the table and my mom got the first aid kit. I stared at the blood; watched it run down my hand onto the tabletop. My mom took a cloth and wiped my hand and then wrapped it in a band-aid. I smiled at her.

"Thanks." I got up and went back to the dishes while my mom stayed where she was. I stood with my back to her. I tried to restrain myself from shaking.

"I'm fine." I knew that she didn't believe me, but what else could I say to her? It wasn't like I could tell her what had happened between a 240 and vampire and me. Oh and the fact that he was now pure evil. And to top it all off that vampires existed and that I was chosen to kill them. My mom stood and placed her hand on my shoulder.

"I know you aren't. You have been too quiet over the past week for everything to be all right. Some thing wrong at school?" She asked.

"No, nothing like that."

"Boys then." I smiled at that comment. It if wasn't school it was boys. My mom knew me so well.

"Listen, Buffy, I know that this is strange coming from your mother but everything in this world happens for a reason. I firmly believe that. All the choice we make everyday reflects our outcome. It if weren't for these choices, where would we be? So things are working out right now, they will turn around if you make them. Nothing happens from nothing; something happens when you work at it." What my mom said was more than she knew I needed…

She was right. I know it, but it's really hard to believe it. I realize that the decision we made was what brought us here. But there has to be a reason for what happened. Maybe it's a test? A test of love or will. But somehow, I can't help but think I'm being punished for something that I did. That has to be what it is, I am being punished for not listening to my parents or being mean. Anything, I don't care what it is but I'm sorry for it. I just want him back…my world is falling down around me and I can't seem to find a direction. I can't seem to fix it. Nothing good has happened in my life before him and now he is gone and I feel emptier than ever. I will never love again, never. My heart and soul is with that man; and for the rest of my life it will remain that way. No matter who comes into my life, this is it for me. Love gets you nothing but heartache. Is that what makes it worth it? Right now, I don't believe it. I will remain alone…because no one knows how I feel and no one can ever understand. Feeling this lonely is harder than anything in the world…but I keep going. I keep going because if I don't, who will?