"I was a heavy heart to carry, my feet dragged across the ground. And he took me to the river, where he slowly let me drown."
Analee.
Standing in the sand, I wondered again why I had come. I had been in La Push for a week, long enough to know that no matter where I went I would be overwhelmed with a torrent of emotions-most of them terrible. And without the aid of alcohol or marijuana, it was starting to tear me down. Most days, I sat in my cousin, Quil's house, staring blankly at the white walls of their guest room. I had lived with my father in La Push before going to Arizona with my mom, and even though he and my other sister (also Evelyn's twin) had stayed here I hadn't wanted to move back in with them. There were too memories in that house and around it, and besides I didn't want them to watch me like a ticking time bomb. Aunt Rowana worried, but she never acted like I was some sort of delinquent. Dad would have barred the windows shut and never let me out again had I lived with him. Of course I had seen him and my sister, Elizabeth, as well since I had been back but it had mostly been filled with so much small talk that I had wanted to scream and often I cut the visits short. When I was younger and my dad was like this, or my sister didn't understand, I had always run to Quil. We had been close since an early age, and he was the one who had taught me a lot of things that I knew today-like fishing. But he had been so busy lately, staying out all night and then coming in every afternoon. The weird thing was, my Aunt hardly blinked when he did it which made it all the more suspicious. Had I not been so concentrated on the grief that was constantly suffocating me I might had investigated more. But as it was, I could barely get out of bed in the mornings. Which was why it was so surprising that I was standing on the beach, next to the cousin in question, fully dressed and with a touch of make-up on.
In front of us, a bonfire glowed a bright orange and laughter floated through the chilly August air. Quil had asked me to come with him to this part of sorts, saying that I could meet his friends. Of course, I had probably grown up with most of them like Jacob Black and Embry Call who were his best friends as far as I knew, but getting me out of the house seemed to be almost like a mission to him earlier that day. I suspected that my Aunt had said something, and he was just taking pity on his sullen cousin who cried at the drop of a hat. At the particular moment, I was resenting her for it instead of feeling bad for myself, knowing the next few hours would be miserable and having rode with Quil I had no way out unless I wanted to walk back home which was nearly two miles away. Beside me, Quil turned and I looked up at him-he really had grown in my absence and was not as scrawny as he had been-noting that his dark brown eyes were glowing with a sort of excitement. It was clear that he was happy to be spending time with his friends and being a "normal" teenager tonight. In fact, he was so excited that I almost believed that he really had been staying out because of some weird summer job. Almost, but not quite.
"Are you ready?" He asked, his deep voice going up an octave and his fidgeting growing to where it almost looked like he was spazzing out or twitching. I couldn't blame him, I hadn't wanted to go up at first and we had been standing here for over five minutes like idiots on the outskirts of all the quote-on-quote "fun". With a slight nod and a not really believable smile, I gestured for him to start walking in front of me, pulling the sleeves of my dark purple shirt over my hands so I could cross my fingers that some tragedy would happen and cause us both to have to leave early. Quil started to walk in front of me, glancing over his shoulder to make sure I was following and after a breath I trailed behind him, keeping in his shadow as not to be noticed. Hopefully, I could make it through the evening without having to say much. Which was ruined as soon as we stepped into the light and Embry came bounding over with a broad grin on his tanned face. A face that was higher up than I remembered. It seemed growth pills or steroids were ingrained in the water here.
"Hey man!" He was saying, and I ducked my head closing my eyes briefly to send up a prayer to whatever God was listening that he would not contact me. Of course my luck would have it that he would notice me in that second and I looked up just in time to hear a loud "Ana-banana!" and get crushed into a sweltering hot hug. "Hey, Em." I mumbled, squirming to get out of his grasp and retreating back behind Quil as he chuckled. Nothing phased Embry, it never had, and before it had been one of the reasons I had liked him so much. Now, though, I wanted to punch him for causing me to be in the spotlight. More than a few heads were turned our way and if I hadn't felt so numb all the time, I might have blushed. The boys talked for a few minutes, and I stayed put not wanting to be apart of their weird conversation that sounded as if they were talking in code but also not wanting to move away and invite someone to come talk to me. It was easier to tune everyone out and eventually, their voices faded out and I found myself slipping into the void that consumed me so regularly these days. It was almost as good as alcohol. Again almost, but not quite.
Soon, their conversation seemed to end and Quil was placing his hand on the small of my back to lead me on. Next was Emily Young and Sam Uley, a couple I had met through my father before and had heard a lot about. Their story was famous, and I used to think it was romantic. But now he just looked like a player and she looked like a bad cousin. I registered better with the heartbroken ones now. After all my own fairytale was over. As like anytime I thought of that particular notion, the memories started to flood back and I felt the scene around me quiver at the edges. I wasn't there anymore, I was in the past. "Sh, it's okay. We both want this." His breath was in my ear, an alcohol smell on the sheets. I was pushing at him frantically, my mind a blur, and not getting an inch..it was coming clear what was going to happen and I felt sick as his hands tangled in my hair... Gasping loudly, at a touch on my forearm I whirled around and straight into Quil, having been jerked out of my memories. Looking up, I saw that worried expression that was so common on people's faces when they looked at me that I couldn't find it in myself to care. Carefully, I stepped out of his grasp and let my face wash itself of any emotions playing there.
"Excuse us, I think Ana needs a drink." Quil said tensely, hesitantly reaching out to pull me to a table set up on the fringe of things. Food was overflowing on it, the white surface almost hidden by the chips, hot dogs, burgers, and fries. It looked like they were feeding an army even though I could have sworn I had only saw maybe ten teen boys here and then Sam and Emily. I opened my mouth to ask Quil, but he was already talking and I sighed, realizing that someone else was in front of us. "Right, and you know my cousin Analee right?" He was saying and I had to bite my lip so I wouldn't huff or sigh out loud. Of course he would introduce me to another stranger. A stranger that when he talked sounded like the complete opposite of what I was. He was chipper, it was apparent when he spoke with a quick "I don't think so." and my eyes flickered out to the dark water, coveting the peace and silence it brought. Like a lot of the time I found myself caught up in thoughts of how easy it would be just to end it all. Like now, I could just walk away, ignore Quil calling after me as I went and walk straight into the water until it was over my head. And I could float away, letting life and its troubles leave me behind. I had it so easy, and yet I couldn't make myself do it.
"I'm Seth Clearwater." The voice from before brought me out of my trance and I grimaced as I noticed his hand out-stretched out of the corner of my eye. Sullenly, I reached my own out and touched his hand slightly, feeling a jolt shoot through me and down my spine..something so intense that my light brown eyes finally left the horizon for the first time that night and flickered to the dark chocolate brown eyes of the boy standing in front of me.