Author's Note: Huge thanks to my lovely betas: iheartbridges, KinoFille and Lula Bo. They continue to be awesome and amazing. I also want to apologize in advance because in all likelihood, I will not be able to update this for a few weeks. I will attempt to get one more chapter up before I go into exile next week, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get it done.
Bowling. She hasn't been bowling in years. Not since high school maybe, or the occasional birthday party when Rory was growing up. But she's going tonight, with Luke and April. It's hard to fathom, actually, that she's going out with them.
She hasn't seen April since her thirteenth birthday party almost a year ago, and though she's been kept apprised of news and accomplishments, she doesn't have any idea what April's been told or what she'll think of having her dad's ex-fiancee hanging out with her friends.
When Luke had suggested she join them, he'd made it sound like she'd be doing him a favor by allowing him to spend time with his daughter and her friends without being a weird fifth wheel parental unit. She'd agreed, but then later had asked if he was sure, if it would be okay with April and he'd assured her that April would be fine with anything that kept him from hovering too much. And besides, he'd added, April liked Lorelai. She wonders what it is that makes him think that, that allows him to say with such easy confidence that April will be happy to see her.
All of this has made her unusually nervous going into what's supposed to be a lighthearted outing and because of that she'd made up an excuse when Luke had asked if she would have dinner with all of them at the diner beforehand. She's still a little uncomfortable about spending time with Luke and April and though she tries to tell herself it's because she doesn't want to get in the way of the father-daughter bonding, she thinks it really might be that she's not sure she wants what wasn't okay when she and Luke were together to be okay now that they're apart. So she gives Luke space he hasn't asked for by telling him she'll meet them at the diner when the girls are done eating and walk over to the bowling alley with them.
When she arrives, April and three friends are sitting at a table, chatting over their empty plates and sucking down the remainder of their sodas. Luke is behind the counter and she throws him a hesitant smile before turning to April. "Hey April, it's good to see you again. How are you liking New Mexico?" She's nervous about April's reaction to her being here, but at the same time, she's genuinely glad to see Luke's daughter again.
She needn't have worried, she realizes; when April answers, it's with the easy nonchalance of unaffected youth. "It's okay, I guess it hasn't been that bad, even though I'm the new kid. At least I'll know some people when I start high school next year. But I am really glad to finally be back visiting."
"Well, I'm sure that everyone has been so glad to see you. I know your dad is."
"It's definitely cool to be back. Hopefully I can come for longer in the summer, if all my friends haven't forgotten about me by then." She turns and fixes her friends with a teasing glare and they smile in return before April turns back Lorelai. "Which reminds me, I should introduce you," she says, gesturing toward each girl in turn. "This is Lucy, Marcia and Gabby, and this is Lore-"
Gabby cuts her off, "We met your dad's girlfriend at your birthday party last year."
April visibly cringes and tries to silence Gabby at the same time Lorelai says, "We're not…we…" Even if she wanted to explain, she can't put into words all that's happened in the last year in a way that doesn't sound ridiculous, and she can see the horrifying details of her love life spilling out in front of her like bloody entrails spewing from a gory open wound.
She's still stammering out a reply when she hears Luke approach, saying, "We're friends. We've been friends for a long time."
It hurts to hear their history rewritten so neatly; it doesn't capture the depth of what they've felt for each other, or the possibility that they'd held. At the same time, though, she can't help but notice that he didn't say 'just friends,' and to hear him acknowledge their friendship is a comfort. It makes her think that she's still important to him, that though they'd ruined any chance of a romantic future for themselves, she still matters to him in a small way.
She glances up and gives him a feeble smile of gratitude and is surprised to see him lean in toward her and whisper, "I'm sorry."
"Don't," she says, shaking her head, "it's not your– It's okay."
April's friends just look baffled and Lorelai can see April mouth to them, "I'll explain later."
They leave fairly quickly for the short walk to the bowling alley. She's quiet along the way, the embarrassment still ringing in her ears. It brings with it feelings of regret and sadness that gather around her in the cool evening air. She folds her arms across her chest to ward off the chill. She can hear Luke's feet scuffing along beside her, but she can't bring herself to look at him. April is walking a little ahead with her friends, their heads huddled together in conversation as they walk. Lorelai is sure that April is filling them in on the 'Luke and Lorelai' story and she cringes all over again wondering how much April knows. The only consolation, and what she keeps telling herself over and over, is that Luke is one of the most private people she's ever met and while he's become increasingly close to April he's unlikely to have shared details about his love life with his daughter.
Luckily, once they get inside the periodic crash of balls into pins pulls her out of her reverie and the process of finding everyone the right size shoes and bowling balls in their preferred colors breaks the ice and some of the tension melts away.
The ten-pin lanes are full so they end up downstairs in the candlepin alley that has yet to be updated to electronic scoring. Because it's almost deserted, they end up using three lanes, the girls gathered around the table between their two lanes, and Luke and Lorelai in the lane next to April and Marcia. Lorelai has to admit that her being there does make it easier for Luke to step back and give the girls some space while still having a part in their interactions.
Lorelai focuses on the bowling as a way of distracting himself from thinking about the earlier misunderstanding. She's not sure if it's her concentration or some other force at work, but she finds herself inexplicably doing really well, and much to Luke's chagrin, he is not. After his third gutter ball, he grumbles as he walks back and plops down at the desk to write down his score. Lorelai suppresses her urge to tease him, knowing that though she and Luke have become much more relaxed with each other in recent weeks, she's not quite comfortable doing what used to come so naturally, especially tonight.
Lining up the ball carefully, she throws and watches as the ball goes slightly left of center and knocks down seven pins. With the next shot she shifts her aim a bit to the right and releases, biting her lip as the ball heads down the lane and knocks down the remaining three pins.
"Yes!" she cries, lifting her arm triumphantly. Turning, she grins at Luke. "Check me out! I'm smokin' tonight!"
Luke records her points, then slaps the pencil down on the table looking up at her in amazement. "How in the hell are you getting all of these spares?"
"Just face it, I'm a better bowler than you."
He scoffs. "This may be a string of good luck, but you are not a better bowler than me."
Lorelai crosses her arms across her chest, fixing him with a defiant stare. "And why couldn't I be?"
"Because this is almost a sport and you're," he waves vaguely toward her, "you."
"Oh really?" Lorelai asks, drawing out the word and flashing him an amused smile.
"Really," he answers confidently.
"Sounds like we need a wager of some kind."
"Fine," he answers quickly, "loser buys dinner for the winner."
There's a brief moment during which Lorelai stares at him, her mouth fallen open, before she closes it quickly and forces a bright smile. "Um, sure," she says, stumbling through the words, "you're on buddy. Now go get yourself another gutter ball." He narrows his eyes, then pushes himself out of the chair.
Watching as he tries to line up his shot, Lorelai gives herself only a moment to think that maybe Luke has just asked her out on a date before she chastises herself, remembering the way he'd said so definitively that they were friends. It makes her wonder if everything that they do from now on that resembles things they used to do when they were together will be uncomfortable, will make her wonder like this.
If anything, the discomfort makes them throw themselves even more thoroughly into the competition, and after two games they've each got one win. They're almost even at the end of the tie-breaking game, until Luke throws a gutter ball during the same frame that Lorelai gets her first strike of the evening. Her shriek earns her cheers from the younger girls.
"That's what you get for telling me I can't do this," she says to Luke. He just groans, dropping his chin in defeat as he lifts his hat off his head and scratches behind his ear.
Lorelai is still grinning a few minutes later when the girls finish up and they head back to the diner. Luke goes behind the counter to gather drinks and pie and the rest of them string themselves out along the counter, talking easily as the girls' Cokes and Lorelai's coffee appear in front of them. As they're all finishing their pie, Marcia's mom pulls up in front of the diner with a minivan and Luke chats briefly with her after he ushers the girls out. Before the car door shuts, Lorelai can see him give a casual wave to April as well as to her friends.
By the time he comes back in, Lorelai has finished her coffee. He glances at her cup as he walks toward the coffee maker. "More coffee?"
She shakes her head. "I should go, but thanks for the coffee, pie, everything. It was fun."
"Yeah it was," he admits. "Thank you for coming." He pauses for a moment. "I'm sorry if it was weird."
"No," she says, giving a fluid wave of her hand as she gets up off the stool. "Not weird. I mean, except for the whole wearing of the rented shoes thing, but otherwise totally not weird." She's stretching the truth of course, if not outright lying, because there's no question that it's been weird. It's strange territory for them: being together outside the diner, Lorelai spending time with April, having their love life be the subject of teenage gossip. But she can't talk to him about any of that. She can't tell him that she knows what a mess she's made of her life and how much she regrets it.
It's possible he's thinking some of the same things because he watches her skeptically, but then he nods once. "Well, good. I guess I'll see you then."
"That you will. G'night, Luke."
She knows that April's flight is on Saturday morning, so she stops by the diner after lunch, during the mid-afternoon lull to see if Luke wants some company. He's been typically stoic about having to say goodbye to April again, but she can see the pain that he's hiding and she wants to ease it for him, the way that he has for her throughout their long history. And, she has to confess selfishly, it's been nice to be feel needed, to know that her presence is important to him.
As she walks up to the counter, he gives her an appreciative smile and she asks softly, "How are you?"
It says something, she thinks, that he doesn't brush her off, doesn't write himself off as fine. Instead he lets out a long sigh. "It's all so uncertain."
"Did you talk to Anna?"
He nods. "Yeah. I think we agreed that I'll visit there for Memorial Day weekend, which is right after she gets out of school. And I think she might come here for three weeks in July." He looks up at Lorelai and explains, "She's signed up for a biotech program then – something she did last summer too. Anna's not happy about that, but April begged her."
"So, April wants to see you, huh?" Lorelai asks, smiling.
He shrugs and busies himself with the coffee maker. "Maybe, or her friends…I don't know. She did have a really good time this visit. Even Anna admitted that."
"See?" Lorelai points out triumphantly.
He turns toward her, looking confused. "What?"
"You do matter to her."
"Yeah?" he asks, and the vulnerability in his expression makes her heart break.
"Absolutely."
"I'll just feel better when there's something legal in place so that I don't have to depend on Anna making the decisions about when I can see her."
Over the next few days, Lorelai spends a little more time at the diner than usual, encouraged by the fact that Luke seems to be confiding in her, depending on her a bit to relieve his loneliness. And, she has to admit, she's lonely too. The destruction of her marriage had damaged the foundation of her relationship with Rory and the two of them have only just begun to repair it.
There had been harsh, angry words, which Rory had eventually apologized for, but what hurts even more is the disappointment that still lingers in her daughter's eyes. She thinks that they'll find what they've lost again, but Lorelai knows that she owes it to her daughter to be patient and understanding. So, in the meantime, she and Luke each let their friendship be a balm for their respective pain.
When April's been gone for a week, Lorelai realizes that not only has she seen Luke every one of those days, but that she feels a subtle shift in their relationship. It's not something she can quite put her finger on, so she wonders if she's imagining it when she thinks that maybe Luke has been a little warmer toward her since April's visit. It seems like his smile is a bit broader when he sees her, and that he spends more time asking how she's doing. It's as if they're one step more comfortable with each other, though she suspects that if they are actually any closer, it's simply because of his gratitude for the fact that she's been listening. Whatever the reason, in the last few days she's lingered long over her dinner, her playful teasing and his exasperated smiles approaching their lively banter of old.
It's one of those nights, when the conversation has steered dangerously close to flirting, that Luke says casually, "So, you haven't been after me to take you out to dinner. I figured you'd be trying to come up with the most expensive place you could to stick it to me."
She gulps at his statement, but then recovers, "Oh, you were whining so much over your loss I thought your manhood would suffer if I insisted on it."
"I was not whining," he says firmly, "and my manhood is perfectly fine."
Lorelai can't help but laugh and she so desperately wants to turn that into a 'dirty,' but it's just one step too far.
Luke interrupts her thoughts. "So, when do you want to go?"
"Huh?"
"To dinner," he says, then adds decisively, "How about Tuesday?"
She realizes with a start that he's serious, that they're really going to do this. "Uh, okay. Tuesday works."
"Good," he says, "let's do that then."
She just nods numbly.
Over the next few days, she has to keep reminding herself that this isn't a date, that it's just a friend making good on a bet. Because of that, she insists on meeting him at the diner, telling him that it will be easiest for her to just come directly there from the inn. Even so, she ends up going home to freshen her make-up and change her clothes, anyway.
He takes her to a restaurant they've never been to before and she wonders if that's intentional. It's one that he's been to with April, and on the way there when she asks what kind of food they serve, he says, "It's one of those places that claims to be 'fusion' or something because they can't figure out what kind of food they want to serve, but it's actually pretty good."
Lorelai finds herself surprised that the whole night isn't more uncomfortable. They have a few awkward moments, but lately they've grown even more at ease with one another and not quite so guarded with each and every word.
When their food arrives, Lorelai points at his vegetable lasagna. "Don't tell me you've gone vegetarian. Next thing I know you'll be vegan or macrobiotic or something."
He chuckles. "Don't worry. There's not much chance of that. I went to this vegan restaurant a while back, and trust me, I don't eat much red meat, but I'm not prepared to give up eggs and dairy."
Lorelai smiles, "Well that's a relief." She looks at him curiously. "So why'd you go? Did you take April?"
He looks embarrassed suddenly, averting his eyes as he mumbles, "Went with April's swim coach."
"You asked out April's swim coach?" she asks, beating back the pang of jealousy with a bright, incredulous smile.
He shifts in his seat. "Well, uh, she asked me."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I uh…I picked up April one day at swimming practice and we were talking and I mentioned I didn't swim so she talked me into taking an adult swim class, and…"
"You took a swim class?" Her surprise is a cover for the sudden realization that while she was off living her life with Christopher, Luke was living his own life as well.
"Yeah," he says, a touch defensively, "so?"
"No, it's just if she got to see you in swim trunks it's no wonder she asked you out." The image brings with it a wave of involuntary desire and the words are out before she can think them through, stated in that 'duh' tone of voice that's necessary for things that are just too obvious to be denied.
He flushes and she struggles valiantly to tug her foot out of her mouth. "I mean, it's just that you look good in swim trunks. Not that I ever saw you in…we never went swimming or anything. But I just, "she lets out a breath sharply. "Sorry, this is stupid. I just understand why she'd ask you out. Sorry-"
"Lorelai, it's okay. You don't need to apologize."
"I just didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." She feels her own discomfort as a stifling heat, as if she's dressed too warmly in an overheated room. Even without pressing her hands to her cheeks, she knows that they're hot and flushed.
He smirks. "I didn't say I was uncomfortable." She can't help but wonder what he's thinking, if the flirtation she thinks she hears is genuine.
She's been trying to deny her feelings, to pretend they're not there, but this ridiculous conversation makes it clear that not only can she not hide them from herself, but that she's apparently not hiding them from him either. And she doesn't have a clue what to do about it.
All night she's been fighting to remind herself that they aren't together, that he's just her friend. She'd fought back the warmth when he'd told her she looked nice, the comfort at their easy laughter, and the flat-out desire when she'd stupidly brought up his swim trunks. On the ride home, though, with him sitting right beside her, she comes face to face with the fact that she still has deep feelings for this man, the kinds of feelings it's going to be hard to ignore if she spends the rest of her life eating in his diner.
When he pulls up to her house, she thanks him quickly and goes for the door, needing to get away from him before she's betrayed by her uncooperative emotions. But he gets out too, meeting her in front of the car as she heads toward her porch. He keeps pace with her. "I'll, uh," he gestures toward her door, "walk you."
"You don't have-"
"I know," he cuts in. "I just wanted to say thanks. For everything. For giving me advice. For listening." He pauses, as if he's about to make an admission. "For helping me see that I can do the dad thing."
They're still walking and she hears his feet on the steps, the creak from his shoes a little louder and deeper than the one from hers. When she gets to the top, she turns slowly. "You're already a good dad. You didn't need me to tell you how to do it."
He looks truly moved for a moment, but then he shrugs. "It helps," he pauses, "that you think that. I'm not sure you're right, but it helps that you think that."
"I've never had any doubt that you'd be an amazing dad."
She expects the grateful smile that follows, but she's not ready for the look of adoration when his eyes meet hers. She's not prepared for how much she wants this to have actually been a date. All night she's been running from her feelings, trying to keep one step ahead of them, but the effort has left her drained, and she's losing ground. There's nothing she wants more than to stop running, to ease the ache inside. And the affection that she sees in his expression, the reminder of all he used to tell her simply by looking at her, is the final blow to her waning strength and she is hit with a double blow of relief and defeat.
She watches him whisper, "Thanks," and barely registers the words, instead feeling every emotion she's kept hidden bubbling to the surface, showing themselves in her hopeful eyes and tentative smile.
He reaches for her and his hand on her elbow is warm. He's leaning in and she thinks that she is too. She feels fear and love and hope in equal measure and the combination is intoxicating. The moment isn't coming fast enough, but at the same time, she doesn't want it to come too quickly. She wants to savor the anticipation.
She can feel his breath on her face and she reaches to rest her free hand on his chest, seeking the warmth of him under the sweater she's been trying all night not to think of as his 'date' clothing. It may be that slight pressure that alerts him, that stops the moment before it starts. His eyes open fully and she sees it all reflected in them: pain, guilt, regret and desire. He jerks his head around, looking at her door, across the grass to his truck, down at her shoes before his eyes seem to land on a banister he's fixed at least twice.
His eyes are averted, but she can see his lips move when he says, "I'm sorry. I can't..." He looks up and meets her eyes for only a moment, before he looks down again, his voice pained when he repeats, "I'm sorry."
Lorelai just stands there for a moment, trying to reign in the last little shreds of her dignity, but they keep being blown out of her reach by an invisible wind and she finally just pulls her keys out of her purse, jamming the house key into the lock and struggling to open the door as quickly as possible. When the door is closed and the latch has clicked, she hears the slow plodding of his footsteps down the steps, and a few minutes later the harsh roar of the truck's engine.
To be continued…