(Note: How remiss of me! I forgot to thank my betas, Zatnikatel and Jonjo, you're awesome :D )

Chapter 2 – Why Do They Shut Me Out of Heaven?

Why do they shut me out of Heaven?
Did I sing too loud?

Since the motel Castiel seemed to have deteriorated. The silence of the car was now broken by his one sided conversations with Lucifer, which were accompanied by the occasional whimper, flinch or hiss of pain. From what they could gather topics varied from painting the inside of the car with Winchester blood to the various petty slights of brother against brother in Heaven.

At first Dean had tried to distract Castiel from his hallucinations. He might as well have been talking to a brick wall; Castiel wouldn't even look at him let alone answer him. So Dean put the radio on for a while hoping to drown out the small but persistent voice in the back… If God's on our side then God is a joker, asleep on the job his children fall over… The words of the latest song brought a grim smile to Dean's face, but whatever song played he could only focus on the tormented ramblings of their angel. Finally Dean switched the radio off and tried to engage Bobby and Sam in conversation. It was awkward, like people talking across each other at dinner, only one of them wasn't actually there… Bobby eventually stopped trying, and Sam became more interested in the passing scenery. So they ended up listening to Castiel.

"You were so bright brother… so glorious and loving of this world. You spoke of sunset's light on long grass after rainfall, the way it created a field of sparkling diamonds in the wind. You delighted in God's creatures, telling us of the gentle solace found watching a herd of horses as they quietly grazed at dusk… How did it come to this? How did you become this?" Castiel spoke so earnestly, Dean almost had to blink away tears as he found himself in that field, a gentle breeze playing across his skin.

After a momentary pause Castiel continued, his voice harder. "They are God's creatures too! And you would see this world drenched in their blood? You would see their flesh rent and their bones strewn across the earth? You were to love them as you loved our Father!"

Seeing a sign for a diner up ahead Dean breathed a sigh of relief. He needed to eat, but he really needed to get out of this car. Any longer listening to Castiel and he'd be seeing Lucifer too.

"He shouldn't have… I didn't mean to… I'm sorry, I'm sorry". The angel's previous strong demeanour melted away to leave him cowering and close to tears.

Whether or not Castiel was talking about Balthazar, it brought to mind his earlier confession. To say it shocked Dean was an understatement… Balthazar was Castiel's friend, or as close as they got to having friends in Heaven. The angel was so far gone he couldn't tell friend from foe. He conspired with Crowley, killed his friends, and hurt Sam… Dean's grip tightened on the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry, Dean". Looking at the angel in the rear view mirror it was hard to tell whether he was actually speaking to Dean or just rambling in his other reality. Either way it didn't matter… Dean wasn't going to answer.

As they pulled in to the diner's car park Sam tried to speak to Dean under his breath. "Um, Dean, what are we going to do with Cas? Can't exactly take him in there like this…" Castiel wasn't really paying attention but it still felt rude to Sam.

"I'll lock the car, he can stop here. We're not going to be that long". It wasn't like Castiel was a baby or a dog or something…

"You sure that's a good idea? What if-" Sam didn't get a chance to finish. Dean had already turned to look at Castiel.

"Cas? Hey… you listening? We're going to get something to eat. We'll just be a minute so sit tight here ok?" Dean searched the angel's face for any sign he'd understood.

Castiel didn't look like he was listening, but suddenly he reached forward to grab Dean's arm. "Don't leave me alone with him!" the angel begged with wide eyes.

Dean hesitated… it might be a bit risky to leave Cas in the car by himself after all. So he plastered on a smile, hoping to downplay the angel's fears, and took out Bobby's flask. "Don't worry, Bobby will stop here with you".

"He will?! Why do I have to angel sit?" Bobby wasn't keen on the idea. Angel sitting at the motel hadn't been much fun.

"Well me and Sam need to eat, you don't, ergo you get to stop here". Dean tried to put it as simply as possible, he didn't really want to start arguing about Castiel with him sitting there.

"So grab something at a garage and lets keep on the move. Frank's waiting!" Bobby argued to no avail.

"Bobby, I need something proper to eat… as proper as you get in these kinds of places anyway. We won't be long, promise". After Sam got out Dean placed the flask on the shotgun seat and turned to give Bobby a nod.

-oOo-

Lucifer sat in the driving seat, looking back at Castiel, his arm leaning over the steering wheel as if he'd just driven them there. Castiel was having a hard time ignoring the devil now. Colour seemed to drain from the world around him while Lucifer became ever more brilliant. Castiel feared he would eventually be left in the dark with him.

"Isn't this nice? Dean's left you a toy to play with". He motioned at the flask on the next seat over.

"I don't want to play". Castiel replied in a quiet subdued voice.

"You play with the toy, or I play with you Castiel". Lucifer's cheerful façade dropped away in an instant.

The angel shook his head and cowered away as Lucifer's hand came towards him.

-oOo-

Bobby watched Sam and Dean walk into the diner with a frown. He couldn't help feeling irritated about being left behind. It was just a diner, it was just food - that he couldn't eat anyway – but he was being dumped with the crazy ass angel. It felt like he was being kicked off the big boy's table.

Turning to look at Castiel Bobby did feel a little bad for his attitude toward the angel. Cas was slumped in his seat, a vacant stare on his face, looking for all the world like a wilted flower.

"Look Cas, I know you're probably not listening to a word I'm saying but anyhow… it's not that I don't like you or anything, it's just hard to talk to a guy who'd rather talk to someone who's not there". Bobby was trying hard not to make this a chick flick moment. "This Lucifer hallucination, or whatever you're seeing, just kick it in the ass and come back to us ok?"

For a moment Castiel's eyes flicked up to meet Bobby's, he could swear there was a flash of lucidity, a brief acknowledgement of what Bobby had said. The moment ended abruptly with Castiel sitting up and staring rigidly at the driver's seat.

"There's nobody there son, it's just you and me". Bobby quietly reassured, hoping to claw back the spark of sanity he'd just seen.

"I don't want to play". Castiel whispered before recoiling backwards and hissing.

"Cas? You ok?" Cautiously Bobby put a hand out to the angel, but before it reached his arm Castiel suddenly sat ramrod straight and whipped round to stare at Bobby. His eyes seemed cold and hard. A half-smile graced his lips.

"Robert Singer… so old, so frail, so insubstantial". Castiel spoke wistfully; he pushed a finger slowly towards Bobby until it went through his chest.

"Careful there Cas, nobody teach you to keep your hands to yourself?" Bobby was wary, something wasn't right here…

After Castiel withdrew his hand he leaned forward and snatched the flask from the front seat.

"And this is all that's left of you. Sad isn't it? Although quite fitting that the last remnant of you is a liquor filled flask. As you were in life, so shall you be in death… but why did you decide to stay for a couple of boys that don't need you?" Castiel cocked his head.

"You're not Castiel are you?" It looked to Bobby like the hallucination had got a little out of control…

"I asked first Bobby. It's only polite to answer". The smile had disappeared now.

"Castiel, fight it, this isn't you. You heard what I just said – kick it in the ass!" Bobby sincerely hoped he could, because the dim-witted boys had just trapped him in the car with goodness knows what.

"I wonder what happens if I do this…" Castiel clutched the flask tightly in both hands and slowly it started to glow. "Is it me or is it getting hot in here?" He said with a grin.

Bobby was getting warmer and warmer until it felt like the fires of hell were licking at him. "Stop it! Cas! You've got to stop it!" He was helpless to fight back. Bobby felt as if he was coming apart at the seams, he was slowly disintegrating bit by bit. If this is what it felt like when they put ghosts to rest no wonder so many fought against it. Bobby flickered in and out of existence; it couldn't end like this… not after everything. He wanted to help the boys; he clung to this scant form of life to help them save the world. And now he was to be snuffed out by an angel with a screw loose while Sam and Dean filled their faces mere metres away in a greasy spoon. "Castiel! STOP!" he bellowed.

And then suddenly it stopped.

Bobby looked at the angel in disbelief… had he got through to Castiel? Had he regained control? The half-smile and cold eyes told Bobby he hadn't. Castiel held the flask out, almost as if he was offering it… and then he smashed his head full force into it. Again and again his face met the flask until blood flowed freely from his nose, over his lips and down his chin.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Bobby made to snatch at the flask, but without concentrating his hands only went through it.

-oOo-

Sam watched Dean shovelling food into his mouth like there was no tomorrow. He picked at his own salad, too busy thinking things over to eat with much gusto.

Dean paused long enough to get a sentence out between mouthfuls. "So, we got two problems sitting out there in the car. What are we going to do about them?"

"I don't know. If only it was that simple… Cas, well, if we can't find an angel to help we'll probably have to look for somewhere for him to stay. Somewhere more secure with people in the know to watch over him, or maybe far out in the country where nobody's going to find him or come across any freaky stuff. As much as we'd like to cure him it's not going to be an easy fix, and taking care of the leviathans has to be our priority now". Every which way Sam looked at it there were problems.

"It's not going to be easy finding somewhere to put him, you know any local 'hunter hospitals'? Me neither, cuz there are none. We can't just dump him in the ass end of nowhere either. It'll take time to set something up, and we don't have the luxury of time… Maybe Frank will be able to help. He did a good enough job wiping us off the map. I'm sure hiding a crazy angel will be a piece of cake". Dean resumed his shovelling.

"As for Bobby, I guess we just have to wait and see. If he shows any signs of turning vengeful spirit we'll have to try and keep him on the straight and narrow". Sam really didn't want to start talking worst case scenario, but he was sure Dean was going to go there.

"Well I'm already picking up vengeful feelings for Dick, sure the guy killed him but this could be a slippery slope and I don't think we should be pushing him down it. If he loses it we're going to have to destroy the flask… I can put up with some crap, but so help me I couldn't see that happen to Bobby. I've already had to watch him die once, but to see him become one of the things he hunted and then have to kill him myself…" Dean actually put his fork down while he contemplated. "… and what if it all goes to plan. What if we off the leviathans and Bobby's ok. How long is he going to hang around for? Forever? Till we're dead and buried ourselves? Where does this end? However it ends I can't see it ending well".

"We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. But for now, how are you planning on suggesting he sits out the fight with Dick? He's not going to take it lying down". Sam could already see the explosive argument ahead of them.

"Can't I jump off that bridge later too? Maybe we can accidentally on purpose leave the flask with Frank…"

Sam gave a wry smile. "He'd definitely go vengeful spirit then, only he'd be after us".

"Can't you talk to him? You're good with the talking and feelings crap". Dean gave Sam his best attempt at the puppy eyes. It was rather creepy.

"I think we should both talk to him… but alright, I'll try to prepare the ground". He gave Dean a serious look then. "And how about you?"

"What? I'm not a problem. I'm fine". Down came Dean's shutters.

"I just thought that with Cas back, and after everything with Bobby…" Sam tried coaxing Dean to open up. While they had a quiet moment together it was a perfect time to go over some of the crap Dean was storing up. Far better to release the pressure now than have him blow a gasket later. However Dean opening up was generally an event that coincided with a blue moon.

"Talking and feelings crap Sammy - you know I don't do it". Dean dropped his fork, threw some money down and stood to leave the diner. He was running away again… Sam despaired and then followed after him.

As they got back into the car Dean turned to Bobby and Cas. "What the hell? Cas? You're bleeding!"

Sam whipped round to find Castiel with blood streaming down his face and his hands clutching Bobby's flask tightly.

"Bobby got angry… I only wanted to keep it safe for you". Castiel sounded like a lost child. Slowly he offered the flask to Dean, holding it up as if returning a fallen sparrow to its nest.

Dean cautiously reached out to take the flask while Bobby roared. "The idjit did it to himself! Think I'd beat him and addle his brains even more? I never laid a finger on him!" Then Bobby fell silent realising that yelling wasn't exactly helping him argue against the 'Bobby got angry' statement, nor the vengeful spirit stereotype…

"Dean, why don't you sneak Cas into the bathroom and clean him up. I'll… you know, talk to Bobby". Dean quickly picked up on Sam's hint, placed the flask on the dash and bundled Cas out of the car.

Sam didn't know what to think. On one hand Cas probably was nuts enough to smash his own face in. On the other Bobby had seemed pretty angry, and this was exactly what they were worried about. "Look Bobby, I don't know what Cas-"

"I didn't do it." Bobby hissed. "He was talking like Lucifer… there's something really wrong with him".

"Of course there's something wrong with him… he's crazy". Sam wanted to calm things down and bring the focus back to Bobby. "Bobby, if you've been feeling-"

"No I mean really wrong. He tried to burn me away for God's sake! You need-" This time Sam interrupted Bobby.

"We think you should sit out the fight with Dick". Sam figured getting straight to the point would focus Bobby. Judging by the dumbfounded look on his face it had. "The level of rage you'd feel in facing him… it wouldn't be good for you".

"That monster killed me! You really think I'm going to sit twiddling my thumbs while you take him down?! I'm entitled to my revenge!" This really wasn't going the way Sam hoped…

"And is it really worth losing yourself? When the rage takes you over and you end up lashing out at everyone and everything… we'd have to put you down Bobby. Don't make us do that". His voice had started out strong, but it faded and broke towards the end. Sam didn't have the heart for arguing with Bobby. Not so soon after getting him back… They should be happy. They were happy. But to have Bobby back like this felt like they had a time bomb on their hands. And Sam had learnt to expect the worst, happy endings weren't exactly a Winchester forte.

Bobby took a moment before replying. The anger seemed to drain away; it had left them both hollow. "I understand… this don't mean I'm going to sit on the bench mind. I know you're worried about me – but don't be. I got a handle on this".

Sam gave him a sad smile as they continued with their talking and feelings crap.

-oOo-

Luckily the diner was quiet. The waitress sat cross legged at the bar reading a trashy magazine and chewing gum like a cow with cud. She was oblivious to the bloody angel and his companion making their way to the bathroom. Their footsteps echoed around the tiled room as they entered, it was surprisingly large with a row of sinks and stalls. Not that Dean made a habit of judging bathroom décor but it gave the impression of a half finished ambition. What looked like gold plated tap fittings gave way to bodged, cheap, wooden stall doors, as if the money had run out halfway through. Time had added a layer of dinge to the whole affair, but somebody must have had high hopes for this place at some point. Too bad it hadn't worked out.

Dean propped Castiel against the wall by a sink and turned on the tap. It resisted at first but gave way with a piercing squeak that made Castiel start. The cold water against Dean's skin was soothing as he wetted a rag.

"Did Bobby hurt me?" Castiel seemed genuinely confused, still speaking in that innocent childlike way. "Why was Bobby angry with me?"

Dean didn't answer, in truth he couldn't answer. He wasn't exactly sure what happened in the car. Maybe Sam would get an idea from Bobby; Castiel was probably going to be less useful… He had said Bobby attacked him. Dean didn't want to believe it, but Bobby lashing out was a possibility, had he started to slip already?

Quietly Castiel asked his next question. "Did I do something wrong?"

Oh Castiel, let me count the ways… consorting with Crowley, torturing and killing Eleanor Visyak, breaking Sam's wall, killing Balthazar, declaring yourself God, killing countless angels and humans, releasing the leviathans… "No Cas, you're good".

Wringing out the rag Dean gently wiped at the blood on Castiel's face. The angel looked at him warily, as if unsure whether Dean would help or harm him but complying thanks to some obscure sense of trust.

"I want to go back to before. Before Bobby was angry, before you were angry. I know you are… wrath covers your skin, I can see it". Castiel pulled away with a hiss as Dean caught his split lip.

Putting the rag beneath the tap again Dean sighed "I'm not angry. I'm just tired of this endless crap… Now come here, stop being a baby".

As Dean put the rag to Castiel's face the angel whispered three words. "I'm sorry Dean".

"Stop saying that!" Dean grabbed Castiel's t-shirt tightly in a fist. Did he even know what he was apologising for any more? Was it just an echo? The words a remnant of something drifting in Castiel's broken mind… Didn't he know Dean wouldn't answer? Couldn't answer?

Castiel looked at him with wide eyes, his words came fast and disjointed. "I didn't mean to make you angry. It's my fault, all my fault. I shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done those things… so many things. They're all wrong and I can't make them right. Can't fix what's broken… too many pieces, all scattered and lost like dust".

Dean dropped the rag in the sink to grab at Castiel's shirt with both hands. Now he was just worried he had broken the angel a little bit more. "Cas! Stop this! Please!"

"The least of the past is dust, and the dust is lost…" The wild stream of insanity became slower and quieter until Castiel was just left panting under Dean's fists. Dean let go and took a step back eyeing the angel guardedly. He was on the verge of apologising himself, but the words stuck in his throat.

After struggling for something meaningful to say Dean turned to practicalities. "Take your shirt off, put this on", he shoved a faded black t-shirt at Castiel. The angel didn't make a move. "Cas you've got blood all down your front, you have to change".

Slowly the angel started to fumble with the shirt; he didn't seem to be making much progress...

"Ok, put your arms in the air". Dean stepped forward to take the bottom of the shirt but Castiel shied away, pressing himself against the wall as if expecting a blow. Dean hesitated – had he really been that intimidating? – then he reached forward and lifted the hem a little. "Just helping, see?"

Reluctantly Castiel raised his arms and Dean pulled the t-shirt over his head. It reminded him of dressing Sammy when he was little. Sam always insisted on having a go, but his head would end up down an arm hole and Dean would have to come to the rescue. Dean smiled sadly; they were simpler times, more innocent times. Well, nothing had really been simple or innocent since the fire in Sam's nursery. But the main challenge in life hadn't been to stop the world ending, it had been teaching Sammy to tie his shoelaces.

-oOo-

Lucifer stood watch casually leaning against a wall. Castiel knew he was there of course, his presence was reflected all around the room in the tarnished bathroom mirrors. However he decided not to interfere… these two could torture each other in ways Lucifer never could. It was truly wonderful to behold.