My Life: Hoffman Visits

Did I mention that John and Amanda aren't my only family? Well, technically they are, but the rest of us are all like one big family we're so close. Sort of. Take Mark Hoffman for example. Out of everyone in our 'family', I get along with him the best. His only flaw? He's totally CRAZY. But who isn't in my family? He may be muffin obsessed and maybe sometimes he acts a little more like his shoe size than his age, but I still love him nevertheless. However, when he visits, we have problems. Not with me, with my dad. Sure, my dad 'employed' him, but sometimes he thinks that maybe he's not cut out for the work he's assigned to. I've heard him rant to Amanda about how he 'should've taught Izzy about putting together death traps when she was 6 like I suggested.' Apparently he wanted to do that, but mom wanted me to grow up as normal as possible.

Me? Normal? Hahahaha that's hysterical.

Anyways, so when Hoffman visits, there's always a big fight that ends in Amanda and I having to bandage someone up. (I was taught First Aid at the age of 8.) This time, the fight won't be good, seeing as half of Hoffman's jaw was ripped open recently. John doesn't know this yet because he was on a business trip when it happened. Amanda and I are the only ones who know.

The doorbell sounded like a funeral march when I heard it. I did a flying leap down the stairs (5 steps from the bottom, that's a new record!) to get it. I took a deep breath in, and opened the door. There stood Hoffman, an ugly tan wrap over the right side of his face.

"UNCLE HOFFMAN!" I screeched, hugging him tightly.

"Hey kiddo, what's new?" He returned the hug.

"Not much, helping the 'rents, doing pretty well in school…what about you?"

"Keeping the alibi up with the force and dealing with pain…it's certainly tougher than I thought…" He sighed, but then got distracted. "Got any muffins?"

I laughed and made a gesture to the kitchen. "I think Amanda might've picked some up at the grocery store. You'll have to check though, because I'm not sure."

Hoffman silently cheered then dashed to the kitchen, where Amanda was reading a book. She looked up from what she was doing when she heard someone rummaging through the pantry. "It didn't take you too long to check for muffins…" She laughed and hugged him. "Nice to see you Mark, and sorry about your face."

"Eh, it's no problem. As long as I GET MY MUFFINS!" He shouted.

Then I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Uh-oh. Here it comes.

John entered the kitchen and narrowed his eyes. "Hello Mark. What happened to your face?"

"Uh…I…er…" Hoffman stuttered.

"Tripped!" Amanda shouted. "Yeah, that's it, he tripped. Clumsy Hoffman!"

"Is this true Mark?" John asked, clearly not convinced.

"Yeah. Sure. Tripped." Hoffman confirmed.

"Well next time, be more careful. Carry on." John turned around and left.

"But don't you guys want to catch up or someth-" I began, but John had left.

"So…" Hoffman said awkwardly. "What about those muffins?"

Amanda and I laughed as he continued to raid our pantry for muffins. The rest of his visiting time was spent catching up, and things actually seemed pretty well. Until we got a call from Jill.

Jill isn't technically my mother, but in some strange way she could be. I even almost had a half-brother. But we're not going into that story right now. Due to her lack of relation to me, I refer to her as 'Aunt Jill'. She certainly seems to like me, and she shows occasional kindness to Dad, but it's made very clear that she doesn't like Amanda.

It started right before Hoffman left. The phone rang, and I raced to get it.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Izzy? It's Aunt Jill!" She replied.

"Oh hi there! How are you?"

"Doing fine, thanks for asking. Is your dad home?"

"Oh, um, sure! Hold on a sec." I pulled the phone away from my ear, put it on hold and screamed "DAD!" as loud as I could. "JILL'S CALLING!"

I watched one of the buttons on the phone light up, indicating that John had picked up the phone. I could very faintly hear the conversation upstairs.

"Why hello Jill…fine, and you?...That's great! Mark's over, apparently he tripped and-what?"

I gulped. Here it comes.

"HE WHAT?!?!"

Hoffman looked up, more alert than ever. "Um, maybe I should go now…" He stammered.

"You should…" Amanda agreed, leading him to the door. But it was too late. John slammed the phone down and stormed down the stairs.

"MARK HOFFMAN!" He shouted.

Many people assume that John was the one who told Jill to put him in the trap, but that isn't true. It was all Jill. John did know about it however, and determined that if Hoffman couldn't get out of it, he was a total moron. This was likely what fueled a fight that sent Amanda and I hiding behind a couch. We heard multiple crashes, screams, and thuds, and were only brave enough to sneak a peek every couple of seconds, but then someone would throw a punch that sent us recoiling back to our hiding spot.

Finally when everything got quiet, we looked up. Amanda and I cheering for separate sides, we knew someone would be rushing onto the fight scene to retrieve a loved one. This time it was Amanda. Hoffman stood over John with an awful look of grief on his face.

"JOHN!" Amanda screeched, running over to John and taking him into her arms.

I shook my head in disgust and began to cry as I stood up. "Why can't we all just get along?" I sniffed.

John looked at me with weak eyes. "Izzy's right. We really need to settle our differences because we've become a very dysfunctional family."

Hoffman walked over to me and pulled me into a tight hug. "Izzy…we'll try not to expose you to this type of hate anymore."

I laughed. "Oh trust me Uncle, I've seen worse."

"True that. She's seen John and I kill people. It's not the hate and violence; it's just the ones she loves getting hurt." Amanda giggled softly.

John slowly got up and joined the hug, followed by Amanda. It was an adorable moment. That is, until Hoffman asked "So seriously guys, are there any muffins? At all?"

Amanda pulled away, headed to the kitchen, and threw a blueberry muffin at him. It hit him in the face and we all laughed.

"I didn't miss it…I just caught it with my face!" Hoffman laughed along with us.

Oh how I love my crazy family.

A/N: All credit to SawManiac211 for the idea of Hoffman being a crazy muffin obsessed person...hehe. Also, I understand this story is a little...OOC...but it's just what makes it funny so sorry if that dissapoints you! ^.^