Get a hold of yourself, come on, she thought to herself even as she continued to hide her face in the crook of her arm and felt stupid, useless tears squeezing out like stones from her heart. Come on now, she repeated to herself, just get up and find your corn stone and it will be alright.
"Corn," she whispered aloud to give herself strength to get up.
A gasp that sounded very close made her freeze. She looked up to see none other than Tsuruga Ren squatting before her with a hand midway between them. The shock of this was so great, she actually forgot everything for a moment to gape at him like an idiot, but she quickly realized her own humiliation. Just how much shame must I have in front of this man, she wondered before standing up straight and then bowing to hide her red, and likely blotchy, wet face.
"I- I'm sorry, Tsuruga-san. Excuse me." She tried to escape, but one of those giant hands reached out and caught her shoulder.
"Mogami-san, please, don't leave," he said in his utmost kindly voice, the one she really had such a hard time resisting. "Please, I am worried. You look deeply upset. Can you tell me why?" he asked. She worked very hard not to look at him then, knowing his face had a terrible power to get her to do just about anything sometimes, and just shook her head.
"Well," he hesitated, "what about your big brother? Could you tell him?"
Against her better judgment she looked up in surprise to find him bent down to be eye level with her, head tilted a little and a sad little quirk on one side of his mouth. Not to mention a bit of those puppy eyes that Cain was always pulling on her to get his way.
"But," she stuttered, "but, Tsuruga-san, you're not really my big brother." She saw him frown and thought to soften her words. "I-I just need a little moment to collect myself. I'll be fine. Thank you," and she tried to give him a good smile, but in response he just frowned a little more.
"Really, I'm asking you," he replied in a serious voice. "Please trust me a little. Can't you, please? If just for a moment, think of me as someone you can trust."
He looked so sad, and in truth he looked like Cain. That's because he IS Cain, you idiot, she reminded herself. Or rather, Cain is Tsuruga-san. She pondered this for a moment, a little lost in the puzzle that was an actor and the character born from inside, and so on, until she felt his hand flex just slightly on her shoulder and pull her in toward his massive torso.
And that was how she found herself surrounded by warmth and safety and against her nature, lulled into a state of absolute trust, even if just for a little bit. He's always so warm, she thought, smelling his scent and remembering just how much she liked it. Safe. I feel safe.
"Mother," she whispered and started to pull away, but he held her and patted her back in a slow and gentle manner.
"What about her?" he asked.
Kyouko took a deep breath and closing her eyes could see momentary flashes of an old and painful memory.
"Mother didn't want me," she whispered, afraid of her own voice to be speaking these things aloud. "I didn't know it was the last time I'd see her." God, why was she telling him this? How could she admit these things?
"It's okay, Kyouko. It's alright. You're safe to tell me. It's alright," he assured her, rocking back and forth ever so slightly now.
She felt her throat constrict. Remembered her mother brushing her hair and dressing her in her very nicest dress, taking a cloth to her shoes to make sure they were clean, pinning a bow in her hair. She'd felt so cherished, in a way she'd rarely felt before and hope had filled her as her mother stepped back and declared her 'very pretty.'
"She dressed me ... so nicely and then we walked to the Ryokan where Sh-Shou lived, just down the street. Along the way she told me I'd be taken care of and kept safe, just so long as I worked hard and did everything right. A-and," she felt her face crumple for a moment and her ability to speak as well, but that gentle rocking continued and she was able to master her voice once more. "Sh-she told me I would be his wife one day, and I was so happy. I was so happy to know that one day I would marry my prince and I smiled up at her because she'd made my wish come true."
She could still remember, although her mother's face had faded strangely from her mind's eye over the years, she remembered the look of pure disgust that had been on her mother's face right then.
"She told me," Kyouko was breathing shallowly and fear gripped her just at the memory. "She told me that I was stupid, a stupid, useless girl who would probably ruin everything anyway." Without even knowing she'd done it, Kyouko's hands that had moved to hold onto the man holding her, clenched in his shirt.
"She said she'd been stupid once and it had ruined her life. Then she stopped and looked at me and said she'd give me one bit of advice and if I wasn't a complete idiot I'd follow it. She told me to never let a man touch me, no matter how much he claimed to want me, because the minute I did, he'd leave and never come back."
The arms tightened a bit too much around her, distracting her just enough to stop her from erupting in new tears. She gave a little squeak of protest, and could breathe more easily as the pressure lifted. With the side of her face cradled against the massive torso she both heard and felt its expansion and slow exhale as her mentor sighed.
"Mogami-san," he said while running a lage hand over the back of her head, "Your father..."
She stiffened in shock. That was a word that was not allowed. She was not allowed to say that word, or talk about it at all! But the hand kept petting her head and the arms kept holding her, and she realized that really, her mother was no longer there to make these rules. She felt safe. Safe enough even to relax, of only a little bit.
"Your father did not love your mother," came the rumbled statement from the chest under her ear. She made to pull away, but he held her saying, "Shhhhhh. Shhhhhhh. It's alright. Just listen." For the first time since he'd begun to hold her, she really did start to feel uncomfortable, squirmy in her gut. So she moved her hands to press away from him and he let her go, but caught her hands before she could make a full escape.
"Your father did not love her and left her with a broken heart," he continued holding her hands. She could not make herself look up. She did not want to hear this. "He also left her with a wonderful little girl who was made to love her with all her heart, but she was so broken inside that she could no longer accept love, or give it, and threw away that precious gift."
A warm hand came up to brush her hair behind her ear and then rested on her shoulder. Before she could stop herself she was looking up into her mentor's beautiful face, aglow with one of those special smiles that she sometimes got to see.
God, what a beautiful smile that is, she thought in awe.
"But your mother was wrong," he continued looking intensely at her as she flinched. "It is true that some men will find pleasure in a woman's touch only to leave when he feels done." She gasped at the blatant cruelty as he spoke of such a taboo subject. "But," and he held up a finger to emphasize his point, "a man who truly loves a woman will wait until she is ready, until she loves him just as much as he loves her. He will wait and hold himself back," and a look of something intense flitted across his features brielfy, "even though it is painful... because he does not want to see her cry."
The hands came up to wipe away tears from her cheeks and she felt herself flush, knew she was in danger as her heart began to race.
"So don't worry, Mogami-san," he smiled a little sadly. "The man who truly loves you will wait, and though at times his need for comfort from you, and his desire to claim you as his forever will burn him horribly, he will still love you though he never gets to feel your hands on his face or your warmth beside him, because you are simply the wonderful woman he loves, just for being you."
Just for being me, she repeated in her mind. Love me just for being me? Looking up into that smile of his, she felt it happen. Right then her worst fears came true and that last lock flew right off the box holding her heart inside. She held tight to her body, keeping it from clutching onto this man who had turned her life completely upside down in the nearly two years she had known him. Damn it! There was no way to reverse it now, and damn him for being so wonderful. What a stupid, stupid girl she was to fall in love with a man so far from her reach it was laughable.