Sakura isn't quite sure what it is, but something is bothering Sasuke.
They're both quieter than normal this morning, now that vacation's over and it's back to Real Life. They're both tired from driving all night and even if they love this apartment and each other, there's a profound aura of sadness as they bid an idyllic summer (their first together) goodbye.
But that's not all. Something else is on his mind.
She's pretty good at reading Sasuke these days. And he's always been notoriously difficult to read by anyone's standards, since he's so quiet and private and he doesn't like to talk about things that bother him. Sakura understands that about him.
But she doesn't like it. This hazy not-knowing.
He's not mean to her, or overly moody. He doesn't appear sad or even angry. It's a quiet kind of frustration, she thinks, that's simmering behind black-and-silver eyes across from the coffee table in the living room.
She smiles at him all the same, ignoring her gut instinct, and asks a neutral question to see if she can distract him from whatever's on his mind.
"So have you decided what classes you're gonna take?"
Sasuke's face is perfectly composed as he pours himself a bowl of Cheerios, but Sakura can't help but note the shift in the atmosphere. It's tense now. Almost suffocatingly so, and she isn't sure how, but maybe she's said something she shouldn't have.
"No," he replies flatly.
This is surprising in and of itself. Junior year is the year a student must declare his major; she knows Sasuke's running out of time to decide. She declared herself premed in her freshman year and has been steadfastly working towards that. Sasuke, she knows, entered Konoha University as prelaw, but changed it during the spring semester after admitting he didn't want to become a lawyer.
She wants to keep talking, since it's not like Sasuke to postpone something so important, but he's not meeting her eyes anymore and even if he doesn't say anything, doesn't raise his voice or even look at her, she knows she's treading into Dangerous Territory.
Instead, she pours herself a bowl of Cheerios same as Sasuke, even if she doesn't feel much like eating, and breakfast is spent in absolute silence after that.
Sasuke loves his apartment.
It's small and overpriced, but between Sakura's internship at the hospital and his part-time job working on cars at the student garage, they make enough to get by. And everything they have is theirs. They work for their money and each other, and even if their sofa was purchased secondhand and nothing matches the way it ought to, it's theirs.
They have a decent-sized living room connected to a kitchen that functions also as a dining room, with a small table and chairs they have yet to unpack. There's a bathroom off to the other side down a short hallway, littered already with Sakura's shampoo and soap and lotions and sprays and brushes and straighteners and a million other things he never knew existed before moving in with a girl two weeks ago.
Then there's the bedroom, with the queen-sized bed they bought and navy blue blankets and sheets and pillowcases that already smell like mint-jasmine shampoo and something distinctly (Sakura) floral. Most everything else is still packed up in boxes and waiting to be unpacked; it's a chore for this evening, after they head to the Registration Building on campus to pick classes.
Sasuke does not want to pick classes.
He does not know what he wants to be when he grows up, even if he's grown up already.
It's putting a strain on his relationship with Sakura, he knows, as he brushes his teeth, staring his reflection down with as much apathy as he can conjure in the tiny bathroom mirror above the sink. She knows something's wrong even if she doesn't know what it is yet, and he knows she gets nervous about things like that.
The shitty thing about leaving a girl once is she's always afraid you'll do it again.
Sasuke knows he has Sakura's forgiveness. Freshman year, when they were together, was a volatile time for both of them, and the timing wasn't right and they weren't right in the head or right for each other at the time. They both did things that hurt one another (even if he did decidedly more) and even if they've moved on from all of that, he knows that Sakura hasn't forgotten.
She's a nervous girl by nature, he knows. He spits toothpaste into the sink and watches it swirl down the drain with more fascination than strictly necessary, but he finds it hard to look back at his own reflection at the moment. She's been through the wringer, and even if she's so much stronger (impossibly so) than she used to be, he knows that there's still a frightened, unsure, insecure little girl trembling in the skin of her diamond-spine exterior.
Not knowing what's bothering him might be worse on her than actually knowing, but there are some things, Sasuke knows, that must be solved in private. There are some battles that must be fought alone, and Sasuke won't use Sakura as a shield for his own indecision.
She appears in the doorway of the bathroom, dressed casually in a little summer dress he's never seen before and sandals and her hair's up in a ponytail, showing off the smooth column of her neck and the familiar pink scar that gleams even brighter against newly-tanned skin.
"Hey," she says with a smile he knows is just for him. "I'm gonna head out now with Ino, okay? Our appointments are at two with the advisors."
"Aa," he replies. His eyes zero in on the scar as they often do, as if it's a constant surprise; as if he forgets the circumstances that caused its appearance until he sees it again, and remembers that Sakura was not always the bubbly, happy-go-lucky girl with the Hollywood smile she is now.
Sakura not only fought her inner demons, she thrashed them. And she did it alone.
He's got to do the same thing.
Until these long, long months of uncertainty are nothing more than a harmless scar on the otherwise-unblemished skin of his ambition.
"Be careful," he says automatically, and he places his blue toothbrush in the holder next to the pink one.
"I will," she answers with a sweet kiss to his cheek. "I'm babysitting Hana-chan tonight, though. I know your appointment's not till six, but if you want to stop by after you can. Otherwise I'll be home later on, probably closer to eleven. Shikamaru's taking Ino out for dinner, they're planning what to do for Hana-chan's first birthday next week, and-"
"Sakura." (She's starting to ramble; if she keeps it up, she'll be late for her appointment.)
She giggles and kisses him again and she's out the door with a flip of her ponytail.
With hours to kill before having to make earth-shattering life decisions, Sasuke decides that now is as good a time as anyway to proceed with the unpacking. And maybe, between hanging shelves and unfurling carpets, some life-altering epiphany will strike him in the back of the head and supplant enough conviction to make all this shitty self-doubt a thing of the past.
Sasuke's never been overly optimistic, but you can never say he isn't hopeful.
Hana is growing every day into a stubborn little girl who owns Sakura's heart. (Whatever remains that doesn't already belong to Sasuke, of course.)
Ino leaves with Shikamaru and Sakura's alone with the baby and she picks up her goddaughter and coos and fusses and delights in the way Hana squeals and shrieks with happiness. She never thought she would feel an attachment like this to a baby that wasn't hers, but she loves Hana every bit as much as she would her own child, and enjoys these moments of pretend motherhood every now and then.
In no way, shape, or form is she ready for a baby of her own, and she knows Sasuke isn't either. But a few hours of make-believe here and there are harmless, and she appreciates her own baby-free-zone of a life even more when those hours are over.
"How's my baby girl?" she asks, rubbing her nose against Hana's as she sits her on her knee.
Hana babbles something incoherent in response.
"Well that sounds fabulous," Sakura replies, apparently enthralled, and Hana is delighted with the attention. "Do go on."
More unintelligible noises, punctuated by elated giggles and wild, uncoordinated hand gestures and Sakura's soon laughing along with her goddaughter.
"I have a secret," Sakura whispers. "Guess who's birthday is coming up?"
Hana looks amazed by words she's never heard before.
"Yes! You're gonna be one year old, little girl! That's almost grown up, practically! Just like your Mama! And we're gonna throw you the biggest, most obnoxious birthday party in the world because we can. And you're gonna get presents, and Naruto and Hinata-chan and Sasuke and everyone will be there because you, little one, are the most ridiculously loved baby in the universe."
Hana grabs Sakura's hair in grubby little fists and big blue eyes are fixed on her face in rapt attention. She might not know what these words mean yet, but she knows Auntie Sakura's tone and it's happy and bright and that means good things, surely.
"You're getting so big," Sakura murmurs, stroking silky blonde curls until Hana rests her head against her shoulder sleepily. "So big, and so pretty. Soon you'll-"
There's a knock at the door. Hana, who previously looked more than ready for bed, knows who it is and lets out a piercing squeal of delight as she reaches for the door.
"Come in!" Sakura calls, smiling brightly, as Sasuke walks in.
He's wearing a white V-neck T-shirt and dark jeans, the picture of casual summer, and he looks so damn good that Sakura absently licks his lips. Then she remembers the impatient baby in her arms, and holds her out to Sasuke, who crosses the room towards her looking mildly irritated.
"How many times I gotta tell you to lock the door when you're here alone?" he demands, his unhappy expression promising a scolding, but it's not as intimidating as it should be, seeing the blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby bouncing gleefully in his arms.
"Oh, relax, Sasuke, we knew it was just you," she scoffs with a roll of her eyes.
He shows every sign of wanting to snark at her some more (he's absurdly overprotective), but Hana, now being held by one of her favorite people in the world, demands his undivided attention, and begins babbling the same story she'd told Sakura.
Sakura loves Sasuke, but she's damn near crazy about him when she sees him with Hana.
He's such a hardass on the outside. Sharp eyes, blunt demeanor, six feet of solid, lean muscle and no patience. She's seen him intimidate the hell out of guys who come onto her with little more than a look, and seeing various bruises on Naruto after some of their manly scuffles confirm that in a fight, he's as tough as he looks.
But with Hana Nara?
He doesn't coo or gesticulate wildly the way Sakura does, but he listens to her baby speak, and he makes sure her head is supported and she's fed and clean and happy. His naturally-protective instincts kick into high gear when he's babysitting the youngest member of their expansive, makeshift family, and she knows without needing to speculate that someday, Sasuke will make an excellent father.
He disagrees, she knows. Doesn't have much hope for himself in that arena, but Sasuke's biggest critic has always been himself. And she understands that perspective completely.
Years of self-loathing have made her an expert.
But Sasuke's bringing her out of that bit by bit. As she looks at him fondly, watches him untangle one of Hana-chan's barettes from a lock of blonde hair with gentle fingers, she hopes she's doing the same for him.
"How'd it go?" she asks. "Sit," she adds, with a gesture to the sofa, "and I'll make you something to eat, you've got to be starving."
He's not as tense as he was this morning at breakfast. Maybe it's Hana's presence, since Sakura knows how much he likes the baby (even if he won't outright admit it) or maybe things just went well at the advisor's office. Either way, she's pleased.
"Fine," he replies. He sits on the sofa and sets Hana on the carpet, and watches her vigilantly as she plays with her stuffed animals so she won't hurt herself. "You get all your classes?"
"Yup!" She rattles them off one by one, chatting amiably as she throws together a quick round of pancakes, the only thing Ino has in the cupboard above the stove. "Dr. Tsunade hooked me up with all the best courses, I'm really excited to keep going. What'd you choose?"
Sasuke's quiet for a moment before replying.
"I'm taking a semester off."
Surprised, she drops the spatula with an undercooked pancake on it onto the floor. The noise startles Hana, who looks up from her game with Sasuke to see what's going on.
"You are?"
"Aa."
"But…why?"
It's back again. That tension that made breakfast so uncomfortable. Sasuke glances at her with a heavy gaze, and Sakura gets the feeling that she's not going to learn anything more about this right now. Wanting to head off a storm (because between their tempers, it's bound to happen), she tries again.
"Tell me at home?" she asks.
"Hn."
And Sasuke goes back to playing with the baby and Sakura returns to her pancakes with a clean spatula and worry in the creases of her forehead.
What's going on with Sasuke?
She doesn't know, and she's nervous to find out.
Sakura shows every sign of wanting to continue their conversation the moment they cross the street from Ino's and step inside their building. Sasuke weighs his options on how best to proceed with this upcoming hellstorm, but when he unlocks the door and they head inside, he's rewarded with Sakura's happy gasp of surprise.
He's made a fair amount of progress on the apartment.
The furniture is set up, the sofa with the mismatched armchair, the coffee table with a few chips in it since they found it at a flea market, the flat-screen television he'd conned Naruto out of. Everything's set up in the living room.
"You did so much already!" she exclaims, looking around. "Looks like all there's left to do is the girly stuff…I'll get to that tomorrow! Oh, Sasuke, thank you so much!"
She throws her arms around his neck and kisses him soundly on the lips.
That's the thing about Sakura, he thinks, temporarily losing himself in this inferno of a kiss that's quickly heating up. Whenever he thinks he knows what she's going to do or say, she turns around and stuns him stupid with the polar opposite reaction of what he'd been expecting. And it takes so little to please her.
Something like hanging a flat-screen from the wall should not warrant such appreciation, but Sakura appreciates everything.
Suddenly he doesn't want to talk about his last-minute decision to take a semester off. Suddenly that's the last thing on his mind.
Because Sakura's in his arms, her legs around his waist, her lips on his neck tracing a scorching line of fire down his skin, and maybe she doesn't want to talk either.
"Tomorrow," she promises in his ear, a confirmation that now is not the time to explore what's happened. He lets out a stifled groan of relief and surrender and half-carries, half-drags her to the (freshly-furnished) bedroom. Then there's pink hair against navy blue sheets and open, trusting green eyes and Sasuke will think about all that shit later.
Later, Sasuke will confront who he is without his family's ambition.
And he loses himself to this blissful night with Sakura, because he's anxious (terrified) for what he might find when he does.
note.. An update for you all, because the Phillies are on a three-game win streak and now Doc Halladay's back on the pitcher's mound! May all the haters quiver in fear. PLAYOFFS BABY.
But I digress.
This story will be formatted like 'Horizon', told in alternating points-of-view but where 'Horizon' tended to be more Sakura-centric, this one will focus primarily on Sasuke. I love the idea of Sasuke's newest ambition being finding a new ambition, and all the shit that comes along with not being the person you thought you were, and trying to be somebody better. (If that makes sense.)
Let me know what you think :)
xo Daisy Jane
See you soon!