Title: You Don't Know What Love Is
Author: Chaos Goddess
Part: 1/1
Sequel: Follows "The Lover After Me," from Harry's POV
Pairing: H/D H/L
Rating: PG-13 implied slash
Beta: Veritas Once again, thank you muchly! :P
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, more's the pity. I just borrow them to play with them, and occasionally give them a proper spanking. They belong to JK Rowling, and anyone else with rights, of which I have none. Of course, I'm insanely jealous that these people can spank them whenever they want. Also, "You Don't Know What Love Is" belongs to Jessica Simpson.
Author's Notes: If you don't send feedback, I will assume you hate me and wish me to die a slow and painful death. So, please don't hate me. I'm evil, but we evil ones have feelings too.

You don't know what love is till you lose it.
You don't know what you've got till it slips away.
Leaves you alone in the dark and takes you and tears you apart.
You don't know what love is till it breaks your heart.
Till it breaks your heart.

I never fully understood why Professor Snape would think that "bloody Gryffindor" was an adequate insult. Or why he seemed to believe that the way I handled situations was lacking. After all, it always worked, didn't it? I was brave, I was noble.

I was bloody stupid.

It's obvious now, looking back, that if I had listened to him then, thought things through a little more each time, then maybe I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now; laying on the floor next to my bed. The bed I share with Draco.

I'm not sure where he is right now. He told me, but I can easily admit, at least to myself, that I hadn't been paying attention. The point is, he's not home, and I can't help but be glad of that fact.

Oh, I love him, I truly do. But...

Well...

Here I am, on the floor, cursing my inability to think before I act. There have been many times in the last few months that I have found myself in this very same position...pondering. And yet, this time is different. This time, I saw you.

For reasons that I still can't fathom, I needed to see you...even if you refused to speak to me. Last night, you were out late in Diagon Alley, and with a little magical help, I knew you were there.

I'm surprised that you still wear your cloak pin. I never told you, but I had placed a location charm on it. With the life I've had, you can never be too careful. When I ended things between us I couldn't bear to remove it. I thought...

Well, what I thought doesn't matter right now, does it?

The point is that I went to you. I saw you. Beautiful as always. Elegant and aristocratic, despite the rainstorm that had caught everybody off guard.

You didn't see me, though. You were in such a rush to get out of the rain, that you walked right by me.

It hurt.

It was the first time I'd seen you since that night. I wanted to approach you...to beg your forgiveness, but all I could do was stand there, rain pouring over me, washing away the tears that I knew had to be escaping me, despite my unwillingness to shed them.

I guess I wasn't ready to see you again.

Merlin knows I wanted to forget you; to move on. I really and truly tried. But it just seems like I can't stop feeling for you, and falling for you.

I wish I could blame Narcissa. But I can't. It's true, she planted the thoughts, told me you felt trapped, you needed time...needed freedom. That you felt smothered. She told me things that I know now, and probably knew then, to be lies.

Still...I'm the fool who listened. I'm the fool who tried to free you...the fool who told you I didn't love you.

And everyone always said that Gryffindors don't lie.

I guess that was the Slytherin in me.

I was only trying to do what was best for you. What I had come to believe you wanted. I thought that if you truly loved me, you would come back to me. You know what they say. If you love someone, let them go...

I went too far, though. I didn't just free you...I hurt you. Deeply.

I swear I didn't mean to, and I have so much regret....but I needed to do it, and you refused to accept it.

"I won't let you go," you said, "not when I know you still love me."

"I care about you....but I don't love you." The hardest lie I've ever told. Even as I said those words, I was thinking about all the things we had done together. Things no one would ever expect of you...flying in the rain...childish food fights in the kitchen, and in our rooms...making love in a darkened little alley near 'Ollivander's' in the middle of the day, just because we couldn't bear to wait a minute longer.

I think about those things every day. They always felt so right. Our love always felt so right...and now things are so, so wrong. We're both hurting. You may be able to fool the world, Lucius Malfoy, but you don't fool me. I saw you yesterday, and, more importantly, I saw your eyes. You could never hide your feelings from me, could you? And yet I couldn't see how you truly loved me until then.

There's another saying, "You don't know what love is until you lose it." You know, I think that's true in more than one way. I knew I loved you, but just not how deeply I loved you. And I knew you cared for me...but I didn't see that everything you did and everything you said just screamed that you loved me. But last night, I saw that broken look in your eyes. I saw that pain, and I knew I caused it.

I had help, though I didn't know what was really happening at the time.

I never realized what Narcissa was actually like. She had me so fooled. After the two of you reached a "mutual agreement" to remain married in name only, she seemed so happy. She was always so wonderful to me, and I honestly thought she was fine with our relationship. After all, she had her fair share of men warming her bed, and the two of you had never loved each other. You both made it clear that your marriage was arranged and you were never more than friends.

I guess that she never expected you to love someone. She was content to be in your life as your trophy wife and mother of your child, as long as no one else was important to you. As long as no one was threatening her position and social status. Maybe she thought you might divorce her? I don't know...but she must have had her reasons. Not that I care for them. What she said shouldn't have gotten to me. I never should have listened, should never have trusted her...but I did, and that's my own fault.

It's all my fault. I left you, hoping you would come back to me...but you didn't, and I tried to move on.

I couldn't. No one I met came close to you. Until...

Until Draco.

Yes, I love him. But not for him. For you. It hurts me that I'm doing this to someone, especially someone I care about. I just can't devote myself to him like he deserves. He's wonderful, but he's not you. And it's killing me.

I wish I could give up my love for you...but I've tried. For months, I've been trying to love him...trying to want him...trying not to imagine that he's you.

I know you can't reason with love. If it were possible, I would love Draco. Really love him, as I love you. As he loves me. But it's not, and I know I'm going to hurt him. I hate myself for it, but I can't stand this any longer.

I Nox the light, and crawl into bed, sighing. If I were still with you, I'd be making my move right about now...sliding my hands over your smooth, warm skin. Or my tongue. Instead, I lay here, aching for your touch.

I pick my wand up from the bedside table, casting the charm to reveal where you are, and I gasp. The words hovering in the air tell me you're here. Outside.

I leap out of bed.

I need you. I need to tell you how I feel...and beg you to love me again. To hell with everything else. None of it matters any more. All that matters is you.

I rush to the front door, not even bothering to Lumos the room, or grab a robe. I need to get to you before you leave again.

I get to the door, and pull it open, but it's too late. The telltale crack of an Apparating wizard has sounded. You've gone.

And I'm alone again.

This time, though, I know that I have to do something. I have to go after you.

Not tonight, but soon.

First, I have to talk to Draco, as much as I wish I could avoid it.

I have to break his heart.

Fin

Last night I saw you as I stood in the rain
Brought me right back to that feeling again.
I tried to hide the tears in my eyes
But you didn't see as you walked on by.
Tried to forget ya, I tried to move on.
But the deeper I'm feeling, the harder I fall.
Nothing else matters at all. Let me tell you.

You don't know what love is till you lose it.
You don't know what you've got till it slips away.
Leaves you alone in the dark and takes you and tears you apart.
You don't know what love is till it breaks your heart.
Till it breaks your heart.

Sometimes I think back when our love was new.
The crazy things that we used to do.
How could love that's so right turn to something so wrong
Still can't believe that you're really gone.
Wish I could stop all these thoughts in my head
Wish I could take back the words that I said
It's a lesson I'll never forget. Let me tell you.

You don't know what love is till you lose it.
You don't know what you've got till it slips away.
Leaves you alone in the dark. Takes you and tears you apart.
You don't know what love is till it breaks your heart.

Love has no season, no beginning nor end.
No rhyme or reason, to the way the story ends.
No way of knowing how a broken heart mends.
Still we keep fallin', time and time again.

You don't know what love is till you lose it.
You don't know what you've got till it slips away.
Leaves you alone in the dark. Takes you and tears you apart.
You don't know what love is till it breaks your heart.
Till it breaks your heart.
Till it breaks your heart.