His face.
His hands.
His mouth.
His heart.
Dr. Jackson Avery was one thought away from being obsessed with his college Dr. Alex Karev. There was never a moment that Jackson could sit down and not think about the attractive pediatric surgeon that he had come to love so much. Staring off into the distance, Jackson tried to remember why he volunteered to watch over the emergency room for a couple of hours. He was trying to be a good friend to his ex, April, but the more he sat still, the most time he wasted. Avery was a plastic surgeon, and it was rare that he was ever needed for a consult on an emergency room case, so boredom took control of his mind, and with that boredom came the thoughts of Karev.
If you asked Jackson about himself, the words gay, bisexual, or anything besides straight would never come from his mouth. Trying to stay true to the idea of masculinity that he had been subjected to throughout the entirety of his life, Jackson tried his hardest to push back his thoughts. He did not want to like or love his fellow doctor, but his heart and brain were not giving him the option of ignoring his feelings when it came to Alex. Every time Jackson tried to back out of his love for Alex, the same things kept coming up. He would think about the man who saves children, and he could never vilify or think negatively about someone who has devoted their whole lives to fixing children. Anytime that Jackson thought about Alex, he wanted to be the broken child that Alex could fix just to get closer to him.
Sitting behind the emergency room desk, Jackson wanted nothing more than to see a sick kid coming through the doors. He wanted something to do, and he wanted to do it while getting the chance to watch the love his life do what he does best. Realizing how flawed his thinking was, Jackson let out a long sigh before staring at the walls of the emergency room. Thinking of his own daughter and how upset he would be if something was ever wrong with her, he caught himself before he continued wishing for a child or anyone to enter the room. Continuing to look into the distance from his desk chair, Jackson begins to think long and hard about the things he wanted in his life. At the thought of his daughter, he smiled a wide, crooked smile and showed teeth. Harriet was the actual love of his life, but he knew he could never get sexual or emotional pleasure from her.
He thought about his mother, Katherine. He loved the woman with everything inside of him, but he could not ignore how much pain, misery, and anger that came with his feelings of love for his mother. Dealing with the stress and pressures of the Harper Avery Foundation had taken its toll on Katherine, and Jackson was one of the select few that saw the real Katherine. He experienced how Katherine ignored him as a child, and he tried his best to well back the tears that were right behind his eyes when he thought about how much she tried to suppress his "abnormal" feelings of love and affection. Katherine was the one that made him assume this toxic masculinity, and she was the one that demanded so much from the son she claimed to love.
On the verge of tears, Jackson tried his hardest to avoid thinking about April, but nothing stopped his mind from venturing into memory lane. Reliving all the fights, arguments, and disappointing situations, Jackson could not help but think about the terrible decision he made to ever engage in any type of emotional or sexual relationship with April. Of course, he loved the daughter that came from he and April's relationship, but Harriet was a forever reminder of the failed relationship. Every time he looked his daughter, he saw the pain he experienced with his child's mother. He saw the relentless arguments about religion and doing the right thing. He relieved the fights about what to name his daughter, and he saw the hate that his mother held for the younger doctor because of the color of her skin.
Holding his head up to the light, a single tear rolled from each of Jackson's eyes as he tried his best to stop the influx of emotions that were taking control of his body. He raised his hand to his face to wipe away the tears but doing so only made more fall from his face. The saline solution from his body began to rain down, onto the paper on the desk, and Jackson could not control it. His feelings, emotions, and thoughts caused a hurricane to form, and Jackson could do nothing to stop it.
Looking around the room, through blurry eyes, Jackson stood from the desk and made the quickest beeline to the closest on-call room. No one could see him crying; no one could ask questions; no one could know that he was hurting. As the Harper Avery Foundation representative of the hospital, basically the man in charge, no one could see him break down from everything that he was going through. Jackson thought he had to remain strong and that that strength would be broken if he could not keep it all together. Closing the door of the on-call room behind him, locking it, Jackson took a bottom bunk and let it all out. The Pacific and Atlantic drained from his body as his tears coated the scrubs on his body and the sheets beneath his body. As if the tears were not enough, Jackson began to dry heave as what started off to be a pretty reflection on life turned into an ugly cry of depression. Holding himself, Jackson learned his body to the right until there was nowhere else to lean. With his body flat, Jackson continued to cry until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Because he'd been so preoccupied with his own feelings, Jackson failed to realize that he did not enter an empty on-call room. Hearing the sounds of a panic attack, Alex rolled over and noticed Jackson in the bed crying himself to sleep. Seeing and hearing his friend's pain, Alex quietly moved out of the other lower bunk bed before giving his friend the human touch he needed.
It broke Alex's heart to see Jackson weeping the way he was. He never wanted any of his friends to experience pain, and it reminded him of his time growing up when he had to care for his mother. Watching Jackson cry made him think about all the moments where he was in the exact same position—crying because everyone thought he was a freak and that his mother belonged in the nuthouse. Hearing Jackson's ragged breathing made him think about when he thought he was incapable of finding friends and the dark portions of his life when he considered killing himself to escape the responsibility and pressures of caring for his mother.
Alex pressed firmly into Jackson's shoulder until he got a physical response. Jackson opened his eyes and rolled his neck over to be met with more emotions. Here he was crying about the men who he had told himself he was not in love with. In the bed, Jackson lay weeping because there was no way for him to tell Karev how he felt; there was no way of ever getting his feelings and emotions out in a way that would allow him to maintain the same strength that his mother had spent years putting in him. With Karev's hand on his shoulder, Jackson just closed his eyes, and tried to will away the pot of emotion that was stewing in his heart.
Alex watched as Jackson shut his eyes, as he lived through the pain that was taking over him. Alex had no idea what was going on with his friend, and he did not really care. Seeing how much pain the man was in, Alex removed his hand from Jackson's shoulder before walking around the bed and climbing into it from the other side. Unaware of the raw emotion that was spewing from Jackson's heart, Alex wrapped his hands around the man before him and brought light to the darkness that surrounded Jackson.
Jackson felt the warmth of his friend's body against his own, and it made the tears stop. With his eyes still closed, Jackson stopped fighting himself and allowed his body to fall into the warmth that Alex offered. Pushing his body farther back into his friend, a slight smile appeared on his face when he felt Karev's strong arms wrap around his chest. Feeling both of Alex's arms wrapped around him, Jackson found the strength to push some of his feelings back into Pandora's box. Dealing with Harriet, April, and his mother was next day problems that could be handled in minimal time. The one challenge that posed an immediate threat was his feelings for Alex and how Alex's warmth caused Jackson's drive for sex to kick in.
Feeling Jackson's body relax against him, Alex brought his body closer to Jackson's. He slightly pulled his arms from around his friend and allowed to rest as he began to caress Jackson's arms and chest. Finding his voice, Alex moved his mouth down to Jackson's ear before he began to whisper into it.
"What's wrong Jackson?" was the first question Alex asked. He was not requiring an answer, but he expected some sort of reaction and was surprised at the one he got. Feeling Jackson's body shake a shiver, Alex began to feel the goosebumps that appeared on Jackson's arms. Feeling Jackson's flight or fight response, Alex once again lowered his mouth to the other man's ear, asking another question.
"You can always talk to me, Jackson."
Jackson found himself between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to tell Alex how he felt, but he was afraid of how the man would react, and he did not want to lose the warmth and closeness that Alex afforded him. Silently opening and closing his mouth, Jackson tried to find words for what was going on, but the only thing he could choke out through his feelings was "you."
Alex heard the faintness of Jackson's speech and tried his best to understand what he was saying. Rubbing the man's arms ever so slightly, he felt Jackson's body jump before he finally connected the dots. Testing his own theory, Alex moved his arm so that I could brush against Jackson's crotch, and he was surprised at what he felt below the brown scrubs. Understanding Jackson's hesitance, Alex let his arm remain still, moving his mouth up to Jackson's ear again.
Blowing warm air into the man's ear, Alex spoke seductively, "I'm prescribing 500 milligrams of love." Alex rolled his tongue across the cartilage, and he felt Jackson throb as he experimented with the man. Not wanting to take things too far, Alex removed his arms from around Jackson and rolled out of bed. He walked back around the bed, found Jackson's lips and blessed them with a single kiss. Alex knew he could never get Jackson to talk about what needed to be said, so he thought the best way to convey his acceptance of the matter was through physical action.
Pulling away from Jackson's lips, Alex stared into the man's eyes before shooting him a cheesy grin. Alex had always had a feeling that Jackson was in love with him, but he had never tried pursuing it. He did not want to make the false move, risking his friendship, and his job. Away from Jackson, Alex left the room after whispering sweet nothings to Jackson. He knew Jackson would never talk about what was going on inside of his head, but he offered an invitation for him to do at his apartment, and he was hoping Jackson would accept.