CHAPTER 2: QUESTIONING
"Give Me the burden, give me the blame
I'll shoulder the load, and I'll swallow the shame
Give me the burden, give me the blame
How many, how many Hail Mary's is it gonna take?"
The Civil Wars "Devil's Backbone"
Yoda was stunned, that much Obi-Wan could tell, another emotion flickered across his face. Was he angry? No, he's Master Yoda, stupid question. He thought. Contemplating how best to lock me up for heresy possibly? The possibility made him still completely. No, they stopped doing that 5000 years ago. He forced his face to stay blank, schooled his presence behind carefully constructed shields, and retreated from Master Yoda's mind. The static returned as the two masters stared him down, both master's hushed murmuring fading into the static.
The force wasn't churning anymore, and instead of drowning in a vast ocean's Riptide, gentle waves washed over him, like the lapping of a pond. It's my fault he turned, that those younglings died isn't it? He thought as tears burned his eyes.
You had your part to play young one, but he made his choice, even if he was manipulated. The force replied. It whispered as a mother would to a scared child. He could feel it smooth his proverbial fur down slightly.
No vision is permanent, he thought, none are set in stone you've learned this the hard way before, so no need to learn it twice. The ginger male thought, his molars grinding. Impermanence is a part of life, all things are transient even the now. He took a ragged breath, heart hammering in his chest, and recited the Mando'a alphabet backward. Thank the force for shielding. His chest still felt like it was in a vice, his head was pounding, and he just wanted to sleep, to escape, to feel the relief of total unconsciousness, a feeling he rarely got without Satine nearby. His face fell into his hands.
Her presence was bright and hot, flaming, even burning in its intensity, yet soothing in its intensity. It was a contradiction he was addicted to, the way it changed with her whim and how it always grounded him to the present. He wanted to comm her so bad it hurt, to release and feel his emotions in all their intensity, to feel the living force flow through him, and to hear the sweet croon of Mando'a in his ears. He wanted to reply with endearments he learned on Stewjon, as he had on their wedding night. Of course, it's not valid in the Republic at large, he thought, but at least it counts there. He rubbed his chest absently feeling for the ring she gave him, it was a plain gold ring on a slim silver chain that hung to the middle of his chest. He felt for it through his tunic, feeling its weight comfortably sitting on his chest, the pounding of his veins lessened. The steady hum in his ears faded as he slowly came back out from himself.
Obi-Wan peaked through his fingers. He saw a brief shimmer in the diminutive master's eyes as his ears flattened in concern. Were those tears? He thought, did he hear that? He checked his shields, and let his shoulders relax slightly. I knew I retracted from his mind. There were cracks sure, but nothing that wouldn't be overlooked and thought to be because of inexperience. It's not like they haven't been before. A calming breeze came over Obi-Wan's mind from his closed-off training bond. He lifted his head and looked towards Qui-Gon who offered a small smile in response, his eyebrows knitted in concern.
"Quite the burden placed on you, there has been. Meditate on this you must and excused from your classes you are. Also, stay with you I shall." Said Master Yoda, his tone final, green eyes piercing him.
Not more meditation, he internally groaned. Normally it was an activity he found peace in, even enjoyed, but spending hours meditating and then spending a few more spewing because of it had killed any desire he had to meditate. Still, meditation sounds like hell, he thought. I could move through my forms, still my mind, it always helps when I'm anxious. Something niggled at his mind with the thought, but he pushed it aside. "But my exams tomorrow!" Obi-Wan said, his breath catching in his throat. Mandalore had made him miss so much of his studies, semesters of hours he would have to make up, mountains of papers that had to be written, and exams that couldn't be rescheduled.
"Have them rescheduled, I shall, your best, you would not do. Traumatizing, that vision was. Normal it was not and address it we must after some tea." Yoda said, gesturing towards the kitchen, Obi-Wan moved to get up and settle into the familiar ritual when Qui-Gon's firm hand stopped him from getting up, causing irritation to spread through him like wildfire.
"I'll make it Padawan," Qui-Gon said his voice rumbling out gently, "after what you have seen, you need to sit." Obi-Wan was silent, his normal protests fell onto his tongue tasting of ash as the scent of chav tea* filled the air.
When did he get that? Satine gave it to me. He thought. I hid it in the back of the cabinet. That reminds me, I need a new Lightsaber, the casing buried in the Stewjon sands somewhere won't do me any good. "I lost my lightsaber while on our mission with Mandalore and need to replace it." The words felt like hot tar coming out of his mouth. It wasn't a complete lie, just a very loose interpretation of the word lost. He grasped the tea for dear life, the hot tar spread down to his throat, into his stomach. "I felt younglings be slaughtered," his mind burned at the admission. "I saw a war be fought entirely with one face and battle droids. I felt the Republic and Jedi fall an infected darkness take over. I fought a man I considered my son and left him to die." His blood rushed to his ears, nausea hit him like a space freighter. "The Holy City of NiJedha was reduced to a wound in the force, Alderaan was obliterated, and blood fed the ground of planets instead of water. The pendulum of balance paused in the dark." He said, his tone grating with each word. "When it began to move, and the source of the infection died, the black shroud over the force lifted, and for one glorious instance and there was no darkness to be seen, only light, and the pendulum stopped in the light that time. But that's not balance is it? Because while that warped darkness was gone, something else arose from the unknown regions to compensate, something ancient and pure in its teachings of the darkness." His hands were shaking, his bloodshot eyes blurring with more tears as his stared into the honey-colored tea but forced himself to continue. "And then there was a boy with ancient eyes, eyes that looked as if he had waited a thousand years for that exact moment to appear, so strong, so vibrant, but so fragile in his internal balance. Two of them, actually. One I considered my son and the other I never knew. Their eyes were different colors, but they held the same pain." His mask cracked and so did his voice, I can still feel it, he thought. "They were turned to the darkness by a slow abuse of their own tenuous balance. All because I didn't listen to that weird urge to go to the Outer Rim. I know it wasn't entirely my fault, but I failed everyone I cared for." He took a deep breath, and slipped into Stewjon's dialect of Mando'a on accident, almost shouting, "I let everyone I love die because I couldn't decide on when to follow the force!"
Obi-Wan's throat burned, tears poured down his face, and he made himself take another sip of his favorite tea. Cracks is his shields more evident than ever. They weren't the cracks he normally placed to throw off others to his actual skill, they were deep aching fissures. At least the other ones are fine. He thought. "So, I would rather not sit and meditate, but if it's what you require, then I humbly beseech you to reconsider. Meditating is what caused this.
Qui-Gon and Yoda were speechless. Whether they caught what that last sentence meant, he didn't care.
"Rest young one" Yoda's voice urged softly. "Call the council, I must. Discuss this later we shall, and decide what to do after, we will."
Obi-Wan's stomach dropped.