"Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was hardest."

― Laurie Halse Anderson

Lorraine let out a big sigh as she unlocked her front door. Home. She was exhausted after listening to Sonya bang on about Ndale for the past three hours. It had become clear to Lorraine after twenty minutes, that 'Sister Time' to Sonya meant Sonya regaling Lorraine with her sordid tales. On one hand, Lorraine thought that her head would just burst if she heard that man's name again, but on the other, she was glad that her sister hadn't asked her about Nicki and their relationship.

Lorraine herself didn't even know what she would have told her. Nicki's words were running around her head, screaming.

"I'm not willing to put my heart on the line so that you get some practice in at being a human being"

Those words had broken her. They had broken both of them. Lorraine had seen the flicker of uncertainty across Nicki's face once she had said those words, and Lorraine had pleaded with her internally to change her mind. God, she wished that she hadn't been so harsh on Nicki earlier. It was just, everything has gone on for so long, and she was handling it, and then Nicki came along and Lorraine had felt like she was normal. She felt as though she could tell Nicki anything, and that scared the life out of her. She was terrified of Nicki finding out everything that made Lorraine who she is.

The rich luxury chocolates that Sonya had practically force fed her earlier churned in her stomach, and Lorraine rub her hand over her abdomen, willing herself not to. But, once again, she wasn't strong enough to fight herself. Her head started to grow fuzzy again as she kicked off her shoes, quickly snuggling her toes into the plush carpet that covered the majority of the floors in her house. She raked her hand through her hair as she made her way down the hallway, photographs of her accomplishments staring at her accusingly as she passed.

Lorraine reached out and pushed the heavy wooden door of her bathroom open, and for the first time since she had arrived at Sonya's earlier, she could breathe. It had been going on for so long that her bathroom had become her safe haven. It had also become her hell.

Her every imperfection was reflected in the large mirror that spanned one whole wall, and her reflection laughed at her from the shiny, newly polished white marble tiles on the ground. The cool sensation of the tiles against her feet made her shudder slightly, the hard marble contrasting with the soft carpet she had just been walking on.

Lorraine knelt down in front of her toilet, not paying any head to her clothes now, her floors were clean, and they wouldn't dirty anything. She had made sure of that. Now, unlike earlier, she didn't need any help to get rid of the contents of her stomach. She retched until her stomach was completely empty, and then, gagging, she stood up to face herself.

Why did I buy such a huge mirror, she thought to herself, cursing at her reflection. Her hair was limper than usual, and the majority of her makeup had rubbed off by now. What was left of her mascara was now in dark smudges underneath her eyes, standing out against the stark paleness of her cheeks.

Lorraine hated it. She hated everything about it, and more than that, she hated herself. She had never told anyone that she made herself sick. Her stomach turned as she imagined the looks of pity on their faces, and she shivered again. She was in control of this, she had to be.

Her eating disorder had ruled her for so long; she was almost scared to live without it. It had touched so many aspects of her life, it was the reason she had strived so hard to be perfect in business and in her relationships. After some time, she had realized that to be perfect in business, her personal relationships had to suffer. Once she had started succeeding, she had lost contact with Sonya until recently, and she had hardly seen her mother since she had left home, more than twenty years ago. Naturally, she had always paid her mother's mortgage, and now, she paid the residence fees at the care home. Every birthday and Christmas, a gift was dropped off on her mother's front step, the swirly writing clearly stating that it was from Lorraine.

Lorraine felt that it was easier to be unattached. When you have people in your life that care about you, and that you care about, you're just setting yourself up for a fall, she thought. It's easier on your own. It's easier not to have anyone watching you constantly, asking you whether you had eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner, telling you that coffee is not actually a food group, and remarking when the whole tub of ice cream was empty, that it wasn't healthy to eat all of that in one sitting.

Because, sometimes, that happened.

Most recently, it was after Lorraine had worked out in her home gym, and she started to feel hungry. Upon searching through her fridge, she had realized that all she had were lettuce leaves and salad dressing. Without even hesitating, she had wrenched open the door to her freezer for the massive tub that she kept there, hidden behind her ice cube trays. She hadn't really addressed whom she was hiding it from, as she lived alone, but she felt that if someone had seen it, she would be judged and she couldn't have that. She had picked up the tub and dug a massive spoon from her cutlery drawer into the creamy ice cream. She had eaten, and eaten until her spoon had hit the plastic bottom of the tub, and then the wave of dread had washed over her.

She had rushed to her bathroom, to relieve herself straight away.

And then, as she does after every time, she had scrutinised herself in her mirror, poking her hips with her index finger, swearing.

Her weight had been something that had bothered her since she was seventeen. It wasn't that she had been overweight, she hadn't. She had just realized back then that it was something she could control. She couldn't control her school, which was threatening again to kick her out, and she couldn't control the urges she was getting for some of the girls she knew. As she couldn't control her sexuality, her eating habits was something she could. She could skip her lunch one day, and none of her friends judged her, they didn't look at her as if she was some sort of leper.

That's when she had taken up smoking behind the bike sheds with Siobhan, on the outside, it was just something to be cool and fit in, but deep down, it stopped her craving for food, and her craving for Siobhan to like her back the way Lorraine liked her.

Now, Lorraine only used her cigarettes as a crutch when she really couldn't cope. She left her bathroom and fumbled in her handbag for the box that she had bought on the way to Sonya's earlier. Feeling the small object in her hand, Lorraine relaxed, breathing steady. Reaching for her lighter, she lit the cigarette quickly and inhaled deeply, feeling the smoke filling her mouth and making its way down her throat. She exhaled and watched the smoke rise in a plume up to her ceiling.

As she went to take her second drag, her phone caught her eye, and she pressed the home button, illuminating the screen. She had no messages. Her heart dropped, and the cigarette felt heavy in her hand. She had hoped for a text from Nicki, a reply to the text she had sent earlier, begging her to change her mind.

But so far, nothing.

Lorraine quickly finished her cigarette, not enjoying it as much as she usually would, and opened her kitchen window to flick the cigarette out. Again, she raked her two hands through her hair, and walked to her bedroom.

The covers had still not been made from when Nicki had stayed the night before, and Lorraine felt tears start to well up in her eyes. She shook her head sharply to get rid of them, telling herself to get real.

"It was fun," she had said. Why had she been so goddamn harsh? It had not even been twenty four hours and she missed Nicki already. She missed the way, that when they were at her house, she could reach over and grab her hand whenever she wanted, the way that when they weren't with anyone else, Lorraine didn't have to look the other way when she was caught staring at Nicki. She missed all those things already, and it killed her. Because, the fact that she missed Nicki meant that the dark haired woman had made an impact on her. And people do not make an impact on Lorraine Donnegan lightly, she doesn't let them.

It's going to be a long road, Lorraine thought. She knew it was going to be hard to just forget about what she and Nicki had, but she will just have to.

You don't need anyone, she told herself, not for the first time.

You're Lorraine Donnegan; you don't need anyone but yourself.

Thank you for reading, I apologize for it not being as good as the first chapter.

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