"So… uh… this isn't going to be awkward AT ALL," Bucky whispered as they walked into the community center.
The other people coming in for the birthing class were all couples. Women sporting baby bumps and maternity clothes, and their significant others, most of whom were male and looked like office workers. Bucky wasn't sure exactly how to describe what made them look like office workers. They weren't all wearing suits and ties or anything. Just, somehow, Bucky and Steve's customary flannel shirts over the company t-shirts everyone wore made him feel out of place. These were people who had maybe painted their nurseries and thought they were doing a big home improvement project, who had bought coordinating crib sheets and curtains. This past weekend, Steve and Bucky had demolished the wall that separated the kitchen and living room.
He and Steve looked like two hulking lumberjacks in a room full of office drones.
"It'll be fine," Steve said.
A line had formed to the room where the class was being held, or so Bucky assumed from the line of pregnant women. He and Steve settled in to wait for the woman with the clipboard to check them in.
"Couldn't you have just taken notes or something," Bucky whispered to Steve. He couldn't believe he had only just thought of this now, after three days.
"You said you would come with me," Steve hissed back. "You can't back out now. Till the end of the line."
"Till the end of the line," Bucky muttered, glancing back at the two women joining the line behind them. Lesbians or friends? He wondered.
"I mean, there are, like, positions you have to learn," Steve continued. "You can't just learn by watching."
"Jesus," Bucky said. He felt like everyone in the line was turning to peek at the male couple entering a childbirthing class. Steve was so stupid sometimes.
They soon reached the front of the line. "Hi!" said a brunette with a huge smile and dark-rimmed glasses. She had a clipboard and a knit hat with a big flower on it, and the nametag on her sweater said HELLO MY NAME IS: Darcy! "Are you here for the childbirth class?"
Obviously, Bucky thought. He had already decided that he would let Steve handle all the questions.
"Yes," said Steve. "I'm Steve Rogers?"
Darcy checked the list. "And I'm guessing you're Sharon Carter?" she said to Bucky, then laughed. "Ha, ha, just kidding. And you are?"
Bucky glared. "He's with me," Steve said quickly, elbowing Bucky. "Uh, Sharon couldn't make it, so Bucky's going to be filling in."
"Oh, sure, okay. That's cool," Darcy said. "Head on in."
"See? No problem," said Steve.
Inside, the room had ten pairs of chairs set up in a circle. Near each pair, there was a yoga mat, some pillows, and a stability ball.
"Oh, I didn't realize we'd get to work out during this class," said Bucky. He sat on the stability ball and bounced.
"Stop," Steve whispered. "I don't want us to get in trouble."
"If anyone gets into trouble, it'll be me. You're safe," Bucky said.
"Stop," Steve hissed, and hauled him up by the arm. "Come on. We gotta behave like adults."
"Alright, alright," Bucky said, laughing.
Now sitting like "adults," Bucky felt the looks of their classmates even more. He leaned over to Steve. "I bet they think we're gay."
"Stop it." Steve had pulled out a little spiral bound notebook and a pen. He wrote at the top, "CHILDBIRTH CLASS – WEEK 1."
"Wanna bet?"
"Bet what?"
"That everyone thinks we're gay."
"Stop it," Steve said again.
Bucky met the eyes of the blonde woman sitting beside him. "Do you think we're gay?" he asked her.
The woman's mouth opened and closed a couple of times. "Um, no?"
"Told you," Steve said indignantly. "Hi, I'm Steve. This is Bucky. Bucky's just filling in for my friend Sharon. She's the pregnant one."
"He's lying," Bucky said. "I'm the first ever pregnant man."
"You're funny," the blonde woman said. She reached out her hand. "I'm Pepper. This is my husband Tony." She waved at the guy with the groomed facial hair beside her, who snapped to attention.
"Yes, dear," he said.
"I think these two will be the class clowns," Pepper told him.
"Well thank god for that. I thought I was going to have to be the class clown."
Steve tugged on Bucky's arm. "We are NOT going to be the class clowns."
"Yes, dear," Bucky drawled.
"Come on, Buck, please," Steve said. The flush that had crept up on Steve's cheeks warned Bucky that he was going too far. Or that he needed to push Steve a little further.
"Fine," Bucky said. "But maybe you should consider offering a reward for if I'm good. Like ice cream or something."
"How old are you, five?" Steve complained.
"You could come with me to see that new horror movie."
"Aw, come on. You know I hate horror movies."
"This is a reward for me, not for you."
"But I hate horror movies…" Steve gave puppy dog eyes.
"That's not gonna work. I'm here at a fucking Lamaze class for you, okay? The least you could do is take me to the movies."
"Fine. But you can't laugh at me when I scream."
"Come on! That's the fun of watching horror movies with you!"
Finally the last pair of chairs were filled and Darcy entered the room. She started the class by showing a short video of a live birth.
"Jesus Christ," Bucky whispered to Steve. "Why the fuck do women want to have babies so bad?"
"This is worse than any horror movie you've ever dragged me to," Steve agreed, hiding his eyes behind his hand. "Is it over yet?"
Bucky peeked. "Still going."
Beside him, Pepper laughed. "Men are such babies," she said. A few of the other women chuckled, while a couple of others, Bucky noted, looked terrified.
"That is what is called the miracle of life," Darcy said, flicking the lights on. "And with the proper breathing techniques, massage, and birthing positions, you will experience the joys of childbirth with much less… uh… screaming. Yes? Okay! Let's get started!"
Bucky almost fell asleep during the first half of the hour-long class, in which Darcy lectured them about early signs of labor. The only thing that kept him awake was coming up with funny things to whisper to Steve. Steve tried to ignore him and take careful notes for Sharon, which was hard when he was shaking from trying not to laugh.
"Okay, let's all turn our chairs so we're facing our partner," said Darcy.
Steve and Bucky looked at each other, then did as instructed. "Come on, boys, closer together! Remember, we talked about how you'll want to be face-to-face with your partner so she – or he! – can fully embrace your comforting presence." The class tittered. Red-faced, Steve and Bucky inched their chairs closer. Darcy made a motion with her hands, and they moved until their knees were touching. "Perfect!" Darcy trilled.
Bucky could feel his face burning. The tips of Steve's ears were red.
"Now we're ready to try some of these breathing patterns together," said Darcy. "First, we'll do the slow, deep breathing you would use in the first stages of labor. I want all the birthing partners to do this, too. I'm going to count up, and during this you will inhale. Then I will count backwards, and you will exhale. Okay?"
Darcy slowly counted up to seven, at which point Bucky felt like his lungs were going to explode. When she started counting backwards, he exhaled in a great rush that had Steve coughing. "Dude!" Steve waved his hand in front of his face. "You need a breath mint!"
"Musta been the burritos from dinner," Bucky said.
"Focus!" said Darcy, and they tried again, with slightly more success. "Moving onto the 'pant-pant-blow' breath, I would like each of you to reach out and place your hand on your partner's diaphragm."
"Um, isn't that the thing for birth control?" Bucky whispered. "I don't have a vagina, sorry."
"Your diaphragm muscle, idiot," Steve said. He put his hand on his own stomach. "It's, like, under your sternum."
"Sometimes I forget that your mom was a nurse," Bucky said. He felt for his own diaphragm, then looked at Steve's stomach. "Um. Okay. Here we go." He reached out and gently pressed his fingers near where Steve still held them.
"Yeah," Steve said, doing the same.
The pressure of Steve's fingers against his stomach felt oddly intimate, and Bucky found that he couldn't quite bring himself to make eye contact with his best friend. They were both leaning forward slightly to reach, and their knees had moved aside to bring them closer together. Bucky didn't think he'd ever held his face this close to Steve's. At least, not for quite so long a time. Sure, they had hugged before. They had given each other head locks and noogies and they had wrestled. A few times, when they were kids, they had even laid their sleeping bags out on the lawn with their heads side by side to look at constellations.
Steve's breathing had quickened a little. Bucky could both feel Steve's diaphragm working and the warm whoosh of breath against his neck, tickling the hair by his ear.
"So the rhythm for this breath is quick and staccato, a one-two-three-one-two-three pattern. It's pretty easy to remember when you think the words pant-pant-blow."
Bucky snorted a little.
"Get your mind outta the gutter," Steve whispered. Bucky could feel Steve's diaphragm stuttering as he tried to suppress his laughter.
"We'll make a sound like 'hee-hee-who' while we perform this breath. And we want to think about the power of the breath coming from the diaphragm."
On Darcy's command, the whole class began panting and blowing.
"Are you laughing or panting?" Bucky said.
"Hee-hee-who," Steve puffed. "Hee-hee-heeeee…." Steve devolved into laughter and Bucky cracked up.
They tried to keep their laughing under cover. "She's coming," Steve whispered. "Come on. Hee-hee-hheeeee…."
While the breathing exercises were fun, he was more than ready for the class to move on. He felt like he did back in high school, watching the minutes tick by on the clock until it was 2:10 and he could get the hell out of there.
"Since this is the first class," began Darcy, and Bucky suddenly had a hope that they had finished early. "I'll stick with techniques for early stages of labor. It's time to introduce the birthing ball!"
"Here we go," said Bucky.
"Let's have our pregnant ladies kneel in front of the ball – the yoga mats are to protect your knees."
Bucky looked at Steve. Steve looked at Bucky, then lifted his eyebrows and looked at the ball. Bucky gave him a tortured look.
"If you want me to go to any kind of horror movie with you," Steve warned.
With a dramatic sigh, Bucky got down on his knees in front of the ball, along with nine pregnant women. Pepper, and a few of the others, looked like they wanted to laugh.
Darcy instructed them to spread their legs and rest their upper bodies, arms, and head on the ball. "This position helps take the pressure of your back and decreases pain. It's also a great position," Darcy added brightly, "to allow your partner to give you a massage!"
Bucky had settled into his position with his head facing away from Steve, so he couldn't see Steve's expression when Darcy made her announcement.
"So get in there, birthing partners! For the rest of class, you can explore the ways your partner enjoys a massage. Massaging can greatly help the birthing process."
Bucky felt Steve's body move behind him, and then Steve's big hands were on his back. "Uh, I have no idea how to give a massage," Steve said.
"Maybe we don't have to do this part."
"Nonsense!" Darcy chirped, and both of them jumped. "Here." Steve's hands pressed into Bucky's lats with Darcy's aid, and started to move in a rough circle. "Just make little circles, or big circles. My, you've got quite a set of muscles under here," Darcy said with a giggle. "I guess I don't get a lot of pregnant body builders in these classes."
"So, like this?" Steve asked. Without the pressure of Darcy's hands, Steve's touch was feather-light. Bucky buried his face in his arms.
"You can put more pressure than that." Darcy patted Bucky's shoulder. "He's not going to break. But yes, circles, or you can try pushing up alongside the spine. Good!"
"Okay," said Steve faintly.
Bucky just tried not to breathe funny. He wasn't sure where his fit of giggling had gone. Now he just felt awkward and oddly… aroused. The lightness of Steve's hands made him want Steve to massage deeper. He couldn't remember ever getting a massage. It was nice, to have someone touching him so gently.
But it was Steve.
He kept his face buried in his arms.
"Is that too hard?" Steve asked.
"Say what now?"
"Am I doing it too hard?"
Bucky swallowed. "No. You could, um, go harder, if you want."
"Like this?"
Yes. "Yeah, that's okay," Bucky said.
"You know," Steve said, after class was over and they were walking out to Steve's truck, "maybe that massage was enough of a reward?"
The night air had helped cool Bucky off a little. He was sure Steve had noticed his red face afterwards, though.
"No way," Bucky said. "You're going to that movie with me. I mean, a massage like that? I feel like you should've bought me dinner first."
"I did buy you dinner!" Steve said.
"Burritos at Chipotle? What kind of girl do you take me for?"