/so love me now, hell is coming/
All Dean wanted was love. He could live without all the other things he enjoyed, but his family's love drove him on. Fighting monsters? No problem, give Dean all the baddies in the world. He would fight them with a smile, no fear at all.
His father made him believe with all his heart that family is the only thing that matters. No matter what bad things you may go through, your family will stay by you, and that is /all/ you need. To want otherwise is to be selfish. And John's children were not selfish, ((although, children should be.))
When Sam ran away, he felt his world ripped through his chest.
/How can he possibly love me, when he leaves me like this?/
GONE GONE GONE
Left ALONE
((Abandoned))
Even when his father makes his skin the color of disappointment mixed with anger, it doesn't hurt Dean as much as Dean hurts himself.
Dean, in the guise of searching for Sam (like he wasn't doing that anyway,) goes out to the middle of a corn field and screams until he can't feel the emptiness anymore. He screams until his throat can make no more noise, and his very mind is still.
If he can't have love, he will feel nothing.
/like a good little soldier/
When Sam returns, Dean has changed inside. Not that he'd ever notice.
/you kiss my mouth, hell is here/
He loved her. He really did. The time at that place was the best period in his life, and Amber's love had healed many wounds on his soul. But then, with that last kiss, that /last/ caress filled with emotion, and /dammit/ he didn't know it was the last. It broke him. He had thought that maybe this time he could be selfish.
He should have known.
He should have known he couldn't be happy without his family. His family was everything, they come first. He knew that. But those damn eyes lead to so much hope filling him that he had lost himself. He had just been Dean, just Dean, for a little while. He wanted it so much he ached.
But Sammy. Sammy needed him, he couldn't let his dad get ahold of his brother like he did him. Sammy had a chance at normal. At a chance of living a life without hunting.
Not Dean.
He had been taken for this life.
/little soldier, little insect, you know war it has no heart/
Dean was 6 and a half when his father taught him how to shoot a gun. He pulled Dean out of class and handed him a pistol, and he shot every single one. He remembered Sammy was still in diapers. His father told him that he needed to learn how to protect his brother, and that monsters are real. He remembers the pride that went through him when he hit all his targets, that slap on the back and that smile John gave him. It was his best memories.
He remembered, when he was a bit older, when his father made it a practice to drive him out to the middle of nowhere and make him jog beside the Impala home. /Dean hates jogging./
But, he was a soldier.
A soldier must have training.
He was 8 years old when John took him on his first hunt.
/it will kill ye in the sunshine, or happily in the the dark/
He was scared for the first time, that Sammy was going to die. He didn't mean to, he just left for a bit. Honestly. The Shtriga had Sammy cornered, and there wasn't enough time to get to Dean's gun. Panic, it tastes like sweat and bile on the bottom of a car tire. It runs through Dean's gut like a cold claw from his worst nightmare only it was real. It was so real and there it was, staring Sammy down while Dean was useless.
USELESS
/SELFISH/
When Dean thought all was lost, his father burst in like the /hero/ Dean knew him to be, and killed the beast before it murdered his brother.
It was the first time he cried in front of his father in years.
/where kindness is a card game, or a bent up cigarette/
Bobby let him play catch sometimes, instead of training. It feels like normal. how life /should/ be. Bobby makes him feel important, teaches him how to fix cars and says he could probably be a genius mechanic someday. Bobby tells Dean that he is smart.
Smart.
"Don't be smart, boy," His father's words echo.
No. There is no room for smart in this low rank soldier's mind. Only obey.
Smart is for Sammy.
/His mind keeps "smart" tucked away, for a special occasion./
((Because he can hope that maybe one day, he can use it.))
/in the trenches, in the hard rain, with a bullet and a bet/