Okay, so disclaimer, and explanation are on chapter one. Here's two. Hopefully have three up this week.
Warning** Self-Harm actions coming. I should basically put a trigger warning on every chapter. Okay. Tis all.
A disgruntled Hermione opened the door. "The fuck do you-" She stopped when she saw who was at her door. She stared shell shocked at Severus.
Hermione continued staring, her mouth agape. Severus looked past her and saw the dingy flat she called a home. Hermione catching it she pushed him further on the entry way. She shut the door behind her, crossed her arms across her chest and stared up at him. Rage clearly flowing from her, "What the fuck are you doing here, Severus!" she whisper yelled at him.
"Can we not talk inside?" He spat back.
"No!" She looked up at him, slowly mulled the thought over. Snape is the one person who could understand privacy. He wouldn't say anything. "Fine, but you better explain the second we step foot through the door." He nodded in agreement. She went to her door flicked her wand as she cracked it open, simultaneously dropping her wards and hiding the mess of her life. Fully pulling the door open she stepped aside to allow him access. He stepped in, and walked around, not yet noticing anything out of the normal. He turned towards her and watched as she finished setting her wards. He felt her magic wash over the drab flat. "Isn't that a little much?" He asked.
"Surely someone like yourself understands ones want or need for privacy." She said slightly bitterly. "Now explain, why you followed and waited for me? And who put you up to this."
"I saw you running through Diagon Alley, seeing as nobody has seen or heard from you in over a year, I was curious." He drawled out. "No body sent me." He lied.
"Now answer why you waited for me to return to Diagon Alley." She said still not letting him think she was nothing more than bored with the conversation.
He sighed slowly, dropping himself to sit on her pitiful excuse of a couch. "I didn't fully wait, I placed a temporary tracking charm on you when leaving that lovely pub you work at." She glared, and turned every shade of red from pure anger. He cut in before she could say anything, "keep your trap shut I only did it because I was concerned. You look like you barely eat, you drink like a fish, and you have some curious scars on your wrist, some of which don't look that old. Now Miss Granger, care to do the talking now." He put on a voice that was a mixture of true concern, anger and slight disappointment.
She looked around for a possible way to eject him from her apartment and pretend this never happened, but she new he was too good with a wand. It was her turn to sigh. "Professor, and to think we were on a first name basis." She said with a laugh, trying to prolong her explanation.
"Quit trying to get around this, just explain what is going on with you, Hermione."
There it was again, that shiver down her spine that she was having a hard time to repress. Why was him using my goddamn name causing this effect on her. She sighed again, "Some of us have scars from the war… that aren't visible." She said as she came around her make-shift coffee table, dropping herself down slowly, sitting criss-cross. "I couldn't handle the things I saw, the things I did. The people I killed.
"I decided to remove myself from all of it. All the constant reminders of the fellow students, order members, staff members who were no longer there. The constant reminder of all the lives I took to keep my hide safe, I was so selfish I just watched some people die, just so my hiding spots weren't discovered at the time. I could've showed myself and let them escape, cause a distraction, something. But I didn't. I watched people I had spent numerous years with die." She said a slow tears slid down her cheek. Coming to realize this was the first time she had openly talked about it. Severus shifted his postion while she was talking, coming to sit next to her. She hadn't noticed.
"I saw Colin Creevey die, and I did nothing. He was nothing but nice to everyone and I watched him get played with like a rag doll, and ultimately hit with the killing curse. He called for help, but no one came, and I didn't move." Tears poured out her eyes now as she realized she was truly feeling emotions for the first time since she discovered the beauty of muggle drugs. Wanting nothing more than to be alone, numb he pain, and go to sleep before her shift later that day, she used her hand to wipe her tears and pushed herself up off the floor. Severus watched her in awe at how quickly she can shut off her emotions. She extended her arm to him, he took it and stood up. Standing a bit too close for her comfort she went to back up but hit the glass of her 'coffee table'. She looked at the floor feeling his eye burning into her head. "I think it's best if you left, and I'd appreciate it if you told no one where I was, or that you saw me. I like my privacy and I'd like to keep it that way." She said finally looking at him with not an ounce of her previous distress on her face.
"Hermione, you know I can help. If not me then Minerva, Mrs. Weasley, Potter. We are all here to help." He said trying to push as much understanding into his short statement.
She gave him a tight lip smile, "thanks, but I'm content with how I'm handling life now. I know it's pointless to tell you to stay away, so if you'd ever like to have a friendly chat, come to the pub. But no showing up at my flat."
He nodded, and started to walk towards the door. He felt the magic disappear as she dropped her wards. He turned towards her while she was standing with the door open, contemplation written all over his face, he through caution to the wind, walked up to her and and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist pulling her to his broad chest. She let of a small gasp from shock at what he was doing, and then noticed his smell. Herbs from brewing. And of course that damn shudder. Her hands on his chest as he spoke "You may be a know-it-all, and insufferable to teach, but you of all people do not deserve the torture your mind is causing you. I know you won't accept it, but there are people here for you, and if you need anything all of us are a floo away." He retracted his arms and pulled back. "I'll see you soon, Hermione." And with that he was gone. She immediately shut the door and put her wards in place.
Focusing on numbing herself again, she went to her table, flicked her wand and everything she needed appeared in front of her. She ripped open her package and laid the contents on the glass.
Unscrewing her cross, she filled it back up, as well as filling up three small glass containers full and put those in her beaded bag, then disappeared the rest of her cocaine to her hiding spot. She than focused on the small foil ball on the table, she summoned a half straw and a lighter. unraveling the foil, the black looking rock caught her eye. Ah, Tar, I've missed you so much! She took the lighter and heated the foil underneath, taking the straw into her mouth, she slowly inhaled the vapors that were coming from the tar on the foil. Finishing up she vanished the evidence with a swipe of her wand and fumbled her way to bed.
Meanwhile on the street Severus conjured his doe patronus, said a quick message to meet as soon as possible at the Leaky Cauldron, and sent the doe off quickly. He made his way to the Leaky. He tipped his head to Tom as he cleaned up the bar, and made his way to the most private booth they offered. A bottle of fire whiskey and two glasses appeared on the table. Severus filled both glasses with two knuckles worth. The door opened and the man walked straight back to where Severus was sitting. He took his seat, "So you found her?" he said as he took the glass of fire whiskey.
Snape looked up into the emerald green eyes of Harry and nodded.
"Did you tell her we are worried, and want her to come back? How is she?" Severus held up his hand to stop the onslaught of questions.
"I can't explain how she is, because I don't know how to put it into words. Why didn't you come to me sooner?"
"We thought she needed to a break, we all did. We separated for a bit, she went to Australia, Ron went to play Quidditch, and I started Auror training. We started our lives for the first time. But we all kept in contact. She seemed fine through letters, and then they just stopped one day and no one could find anything. All owls sent were returned, no tracing spell worked, she had no floor records, nothing. It was like she disappeared without a trace. After training, I went to Australia to see if maybe she found her parents and stayed their with them. But no sign of her. I then found out her parents had died." This made Severus look up from the glass he was sloshing around. "Yeah, four months after she sent them off, they were traveling to New Zealand for the weekend, and the plane they were on vanished, only wreckage they found were seat cushions and pieces of the wings washed up on some beaches."
"That was what sent her over the edge." Severus responded to the news of her parents death.
"Edge? What are you talking about?"
"It's better if you see it for your self. Here's the pub she works at, she has a shift tomorrow." He sighed, already betraying what little trust she had left.
"Severus, you have no idea how glad I am you found her, I almost can't believe you did."
"It wasn't that hard when your as observant as an ex-spy."
Harry nodded, took the pubs location and bid his goodbyes and told Severus he'd be in contact soon.
Severus nodded and filled up his glass with two more knuckles worth of fire whiskey, leaned back in his chair and slowly drank. "What have you just done?" He asked himself before finishing his glass and leaving.
Her alarm went off, she snoozed it. Ten minutes later, her phone rang. Without even opening her eyes she fumbled around for the stupid little device. Finding it, she flipped it open and brought it to her ear, "WHERE ARE YOU? SAM IS HERE AND IS FLIPPING OUT THAT YOU ARE LATE!" Kaitlyn yelled at her.
"What time is it?"
"Thirty minutes past your shift. He said if you're not here before opening you're fired. I told him you called and told me you'd be late because of your blast from the past. But you need to hurry it up, it's Friday after all."
"Fuck, I'll be there in ten. Promise. I owe you big time Kait!"
"Yes you do. I'll see you soon."
Hermione jumped up, wobbling a little. She put on a deep green tank top that sit just at her belly button, and scooped low on her breast. Bring in the tips tonight babies. Then a pair of low cut, frayed shorts, and then her faux combat boots. Finally grabbing her cloak, bag and wand while running out the door. She didn't even bother going to muggle London first, she apparated straight to her spot near the pub. Walking in seeing Sean, she gave a sheepish smile, and said, "how mad is he?"
He shrugged his shoulders, "dono he left right after Kait called you, I think shit is happening at home. He was pissed you weren't here already but oddly nice when he walked out of his office. Bi-polar that man."
Hermione laughed as she walked towards the bar with her cloak resting on her arm, Kaitlyn looked up from setting up the bar for tonights shift. "You owe me so big girl!"
Hermione held up her hand holding one of the vials of cocaine she separated earlier this morning. "Does this make up for it?" She said with a 'I'm sorry' grin. Kaitlyn took it from her hands and smiled back, "Yeah you're good. Grab a case of vodka and whiskey on your way back up. Tonights going to be interesting."
Hermione repeated her movements from yesterday, going to her locker then grabbing the
cases, and walking to the front. Sean let them know it was time to open, and a few suits were already walking their way. Kaitlyn and Hermione both did a few quick pumps from her cross and prepared for the long night they were about to endure.
The night progressed for the two girls, tips came it like usual, customers drank until their livers shut down. All and all it was a normal night, until Hermione was grabbing a lager and she looked up from the beer tap and saw a pair of bright green eyes staring at her in complete and utter shock.
"You need to leave now!" She said quickly to Harry as she passed the lager to Kaitlyn, who was eyeing the man in front of Hermione oddly. Hermione waved her off.
"We haven't seen each other in over a year, and that's the first thing you say to me." Harry responded slightly irritated, but more hurt than anything.
"I'm working right now," She said as she made two whiskey sours, "We close at 2, come back 1:55, I'll let Sean know you're good to come in. But right now, I need you to leave."
He sighed, "Fine, I'll be back in an hour." He said as he looked her over while she was taking more drink orders from a pair of suits at the bar. She waved him off, and started flirting with one of them. Harry walked out, and was in complete shock at Hermione's choice of hiding.
Hermione carried on her night, pushing Harry out of her mind. They called last call, most the men groaned but obliged. Kaitlyn and Hermione rolled their eyes. Right on the dot at 1:55 Harry walked into the pub, Sean nodded his head at him. Most the patrons had already left, the few that didn't were getting ready to leave. Harry sat at the bar his eyes never leaving Hermione.
She walked around picking up glasses and wasted napkins. As the last customer left Sean locked the door and walked over to the bar and sat a few chairs down from Harry. Kaitlyn still looked at him oddly.
"Here Sean, I forgot to give you this." Hermione said as she handed Sean the other glass vile. He nodded his thanks. She looked around the bar and waved her hand and everything was cleaned, and the chairs on the tables. She finally looked at Harry, "I need to go to the back, I'll be right back." He nodded.
She walked to the back, grabbed her cross, did two bumps. When she felt the drugs take hold, she slowly exhaled and walked out. She grabbed two beers and handed one to Harry. Sean and Kaitlyn just sat there quietly as Hermione handed the man a beer.
"Why are you here, Harry?" She asked as she took a sip of her beer.
"I've missed you. don't you miss any of us?"
"Yes, I do, but I am dealing with things on my own, how I want to. Why couldn't you have respected that?"
Harry starred flabbergasted at how quickly Hermione could dismiss seeing him after so long. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, I've been searching for you since you disappeared after Australia."
"Searching for me? Is that why Snape showed up here randomly, and then again at my flat? You went to him to find me, didn't you?" Hermione's blood started to boil. Harry starred, mouth agape. "Did it ever occur to you that if I wanted to be in touch I would've stayed in touch? I wouldn't have gone to such extremes to be so impossible to find. For fuck's sake, this is complete bullshit. I don't even have anything else to say. I think you need to leave."
Harry's face went from shocked to hurt in a matter of minutes that it took for her to say all that. Tears threatened the brim of his eyes. "You're like a sister to me, Hermione. I miss you-"
"That's fine, but I need to be on my own for right now. I need to deal with what my life is on my own. I have always known how to find all of you, if I ever felt the need to find you, I would've. Now please leave." Hermione said cutting him off.
Tears slowly slipped from his eyes and down his cheeks. "Okay." A hoarse whisper escaped his lips. "I'm sorry." He pushed himself from the bar stool and made his way to the door. Looking back one time at Hermione, and leaving the pub.
Hermione chucked her beer bottle into the wall. Kaitlyn and Sean flinched. "I need to leave. Sean I'll see you Sunday. Goodnight guys." She said while waving her wand at the mess she made from rage.
Hermione left, quickly making her way back to her flat. She got through her door, ripped off her boots, shorts and tank top. She stood their in her bra and lace thong, tears slipped from her eyes, her emotions hitting her with full force. She walked into her bathroom and grabbed a small ceramic holder, opening it up, she pulled a razor blade out of it. Tears slid down faster. She brought the razor to her wrist, and slid it across. Bright red blood oozed out of the fresh slice. She repeated the action two more times, then took the razor to her outer thigh and repeated the same action on her thigh like her wrist. More blood slid out, as did tears. Placing the blade back in the ceramic holder, she walked into her bedroom, grabbed a white v-neck tee and walked to her living room. She sat on her couch, and accio'd her foil set up to her. Putting the straw in her mouth, she took the lighter and lit underneath the tar that sat in the foil. Inhaling the vapors until her lungs couldn't suck anymore in. Exhaling her emotions finally got pushed back into their special box of her mind. She leaned back on her couch, enjoying her high.
Knock, knock, knock. Hermione rolled her eyes, having a feeling who was at her door. She opened it up, "What do you want Snape?"
"To check on you, I just spoke to a very distraught Potter." He said eyeing her carefully, taking in the fact that she was in a tee shirt and a lace thong. Then he noticed the blood, and fresh cuts on her thighs and wrist. "You need help." He said looking into her eyes.
She rolled them, flung her door open, and swayed disorientedly into the living room. Severus followed her in, and shut her door. Hermione spun to face him, looked him up and down. She slowly walked to him, he backed up against the door, Hermione continued forward. She stopped at the start of his boots, she looked up at him, eyes hazy from the tar. Swaying slightly, she closed her eyes to try and balance herself out. That didn't help as she started to fall back even more, then strong arms wrapped around her lower and upper back, bringing them to the owners chest. Hermione smelled in his sent again, her body shuddered. Severus leaned his head down to her ear, "you need help, Hermione." Tears escaped her eyes, she openly sobbed right there in his arms. "Let me help you Hermione." She shook her head no. Then she looked up at him, and without thinking she snaked her arms around his neck, and kissed his lips. Severus's eyes went wide and for a few seconds he was stunned. He slowly pushed her back, she looked up at him confused, hurt, and then rage. "You're high, you're not in the right mind!"
"No, I am in the correct mind." She said as she pulled away and walked to grab her cross. She pulled out the little spoon brought it to her nose and snorted two bumps. "See, all good."
"Really, 'all good'? Then explain the cuts, the lack of you even giving a single fuck about anything?" he said back to her, his own anger boiling.
"I'm fucking coping Severus, It's how I fucking cope!" She yelled back. Staring at him across the living room, hands on her hips, nostrils flaring.
"Oh, bull shit, this is not coping! You're suppressing." He yelled while slowly walking towards her. "Just ask for help, you're better than this, Hermione." He said softly, trying to show true concern.
"You don't know me, all I have ever been to you was a buck-tooth, bushy haired, insufferable know-it-all!" She spit back at him.
He stopped, and flinched as if he had been struck. He looked down. "I'm sorry, you know that's not true. The war had a lot of faces."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "This conversation is over Severus, I'd like to go to bed. You need to leave." Her emotions were a wreck tonight, and Severus was bringing out everything she worked so hard to suppress.
He looked at her for a second, "can we meet up, maybe for dinner next week?"
"I don't know, maybe."
"I'll owl you."
"Okay." She whispered as she looked down a the floor. He walked up to her, and lifted her chin up with two fingers.
"For the record, I think you are beautiful." He said, and leaned down and placed a featherlight kiss on her cheek. She blinked a few tears from her eyes, while he backed away and slipped out of the flat.