Title: Two And A Half Men
Author: HigherMagic
Pairings: Dean/Castiel
Rating:PG-16
Word Count: 2,534
Spoilers:AU. Castiel? Yes? Okay.
Summary: Dean gets turned into a woman by witches and then discovers all the joys of being one.
Notes/Warnings: Contains pissy!girl!menstruating!Dean, stereotypes thereof, awesome!Sam and mentions of het sex (omg, right?).
I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN WRITING. I've just been writing really big things that are being real bitches and not coming when I can write them down, while getting struck with other things like this bitty here. *blames Muse* Either way, I'm not just randomly chatting to people on MSN and Omegle. I'm being productive. *nervous, sheepish smile* Sort of.
Unbeta'd. All mistakes are my own.

"Ow, ow, motherfucker! Fucking uterus! Ow!" Dean grumbled, rubbing her stomach and wincing when she pressed down with the heel of her hand, trying to relieve the painful cramping in her lower stomach. "Man, being a girl sucks ass."

Sam just grinned and shook his head.

Recently Dean had run into a group of witches and had taken a hit from a pretty high-level spell. Several hours later he'd gained two things and lost a group of things. His voice had broken and got higher, his body shape had changed. He now looked like a gorgeous slim brunette with full lips and wide green eyes, and they both had to admit, he made a pretty hot girl.

But that wasn't the point.

Apparently the witches' intent had been to stop Dean's piggish tendencies towards women by turning him into one (a woman, that is, not a pig). The Winchester brother-sister dynamic duo managed to get them to reverse it, but the spell would still last three months, which meant Dean got to be a woman for three months.

The fun of it had worn off with his first period.

And really, Sam was sympathetic because when he'd been with Jess he'd come to know the glories of being on your period and just what women had to go through for one week every month, and from Jess's attitude sometimes he had grown to acknowledge that it sucked, and women were always right during them.

Dean was no different.

Still, Dean was also his big brother who could whine like a mule when he set his mind to it, and it was the third day into his cycle and Sam was getting a little annoyed now. He set his book down and rolled his eyes, turning to face Dean. "Look, there are two simple solutions to your problem," he said.

Dean cocked her head to one side. "Two?" she asked hopefully, and wow, Sam would never get used to that 'Dean' expression on a girl face.

"Well, three," he conceded, thinking of a third as an afterthought. Dean gestured for him to continue. "One," he began, counting them off on his fingers, "you can either shut up and deal with it – I mean, come on man, I've seen you take bullets without flinching." Dean's eyes narrowed. "I can go to the pharmacy and get shitloads of painkillers for you, or you can go get pregnant and deal with that instead."

Dean's eyes widened at the third suggestion and she shook her head vehemently. "Weirdo. Painkillers."

"Okay," Sam said, standing up and nodding.

"And chocolate."

"Sure, Dean."

"And…" Dean stopped, biting her lip shyly and looking away with a sheepish, guilty expression. "And I think I…"

"Clothes and tampons, right?" Dean's eyes flashed to Sam, who smiled. "Dude, I lived with a girl for almost two years. I think I know what women need at that time of the month. I will also be back with ice cream, hamburgers, a hot water bottle and enough painkillers to slay a walrus."

Dean's lips twitched, and she didn't let herself smile until Sam was out the door.

On the fourth day, Dean felt…well, there was only one way to say it – she was horny. Like, crazy-lusty, drooling over Dr Sexy more than she usually did, and objectifying every man and woman she met on the street in a glance. The vibrations of her Baby's engine when she revved started to feel really good (and she will totally never tell that to Sam because she would never live it down).

Sam had gotten clothes that fit her first-try, remarkably. He'd bought several pairs of sweats so she wouldn't feel bloated and confined in jeans during her period, and then tighter jeans and tank tops and t-shirts that just clung a little to her slim figure. Dean also sheepishly accepted the bras and underwear Sam handed her, suddenly very grateful that Sam had even thought of it because honestly Dean would have gone around flailing all over the place, and her breasts hurt during her period. The hot water bottle and painkillers felt fantastic, and once she figured out how the fuck tampons were meant to work (like a small, absorbent dildo, and she was never using that train of thought ever again) she was in much better spirits. Ice cream and chocolate worked too.

But still. That horny thing. It's not like she'd never been on the giving end when women were horny for 'him' and she could recognize the signs within her own body, but she sure as hell wasn't going to try and get herself off with Sam around – that was just out of the question because…well, it wasn't his body and it didn't feel altogether right.

It was only three months, anyway. She could go without sex for three months – hell, she had gone without sex for three months and this was no different. She just had a few extra hormones flying around inside of her and that was perfectly fine too, because she was totally able to exercise self-restraint and satisfy herself with watching TV and letting her mind wander.

That was before Castiel showed up to help them with a case.

Summoning the Angel was the first thing the Winchesters had done after Dean's transformation (and he'd been unable to help them) and so the Angel barely blinked at Dean's changed state. However, he did stare. Not with shock, though – no, this kind of stare had Dean blushing and crossing her legs, feeling heat rise in her, and she bit her lower lip, letting her newly-grown hair fall forward and hide her face as Sam talked. The Winchesters still needed to hunt – they weren't going to stop just because Dean had been turned into a girl. That wasn't logical as Dean was still just as capable of slaying bad guys and they couldn't afford to go three months just staying in one place and they didn't want to stay with a Hunter because sometimes even the best Hunters talked.

Castiel was still staring at her. With the change of clothes, she looked a lot more feminine. Sam had changed out her shampoo with a shampoo-conditioner combination and gotten her a brush (which she hadn't needed, well, ever) and she was wearing dark, nicely-fitting jeans and a light green tank top which showed off just a little of her cleavage and clung to her flat stomach and the swell of her breasts. Her hair shone and fell in long straight layers down her face and back, curling slightly at the ends. She knew she wasn't dressing that conservatively, but it wasn't blatantly provocative either.

Castiel, from his look, seemed to disagree.

The thing between Dean and Castiel hadn't been going on long, and Dean wasn't quite sure she was comfortable when it wasn't his own body, but still, a little part of Dean was purring at the blatant desire in the Angel's eyes. She was just glad her period had stopped two weeks ago.

Castiel just nodded along while Sam went through the case, until Sam became aware that there hadn't been a response from either of the other occupants in the room for quite some time, and he looked up from his notes to find Castiel staring at his blushing brother-sister. Sam smirked a little, packing up his stuff.

"I'm getting lunch. You want anything, Dean?" he asked.

Dean's head shot up, eyes wide, cheeks flushed, then she saw Sam's smirk and her eyes narrowed again. "No. I'm fine," she grit out, her fingers curling a little in the sheets of the bed she was sitting on – Sam's bed, Sam noticed. He hoped they didn't have sex on his bed.

He sighed – they were totally going to have sex on his bed.

"Alright. I'll be back later. Might go to the library and see if there was anything I missed."

"Good bye, Sam," Castiel said solemnly, and Sam just grinned as he walked out the door.

There was a brief, tense silence, before Dean jumped, as Castiel was suddenly beside her on the bed. She blushed a little more and bit her lip and looked away, uncrossing and recrossing her legs towards Castiel, fidgeting with the edge of her tank top.

"You seem uncomfortable around me," Castiel noted, sounding curious.

Dean looked up. "Yeah, well, I'm not exactly me right now," she replied sheepishly.

Castiel made a derisive noise, taking Dean's face in his hands. "Nonsense," he replied, his exhale ghosting over Dean's lips and Dean's body went all tingly – when the fuck did that start happening? "You're still you, Dean. The outer packaging is just…different."

Dean blushed again. "And you're not…weirded out by this?"

"Should I be?" Castiel cocked his head to one side.

Dean rolled her eyes – the Angel determines his sex by taking human vessels. He wouldn't care that Dean was suddenly a girl. Before she could say anything, Castiel leaned in and placed a light, chaste kiss to the corner of Dean's mouth. Immediately Dean turned her head, deepening it, because hells yes. Her body flared up immediately at Castiel's touch, so much more responsive in different ways than his body. She shook around her inhale, unused to feeling things so…acutely.

"You're ovulating," Castiel remarked, and Dean blinked.

"What?" she asked, feeling her brain getting a little fuzzy around the edges – and seriously? God, he'd barely touched her.

"You're ovulating. In heat. Fertile."

Dean rolled her eyes. "Don't say it like that."

"But you are," Castiel insisted, nosing along the line of Dean's neck, inhaling. "Your blood is full of pheromones. How strange." He ran a hand through Dean's hair, making a pleased little sound when he found there was enough to thoroughly pet through, wrapping some around his fist and tugging gently, making Dean expose her throat. Dean shivered, fisting her hands in Castiel's hair and making a high-pitched sound she was pretty sure she'd never made before, encouraging Castiel's mouth to have at her neck – a place she'd never been particularly sensitive before. "You're burning up, Dean. Are you ill?"

Dean laughed – giggled, though he'd never admit it – and shook her head, breathless already. "No. Just warm."

Castiel hummed against her neck, his hands moving from her head and down her body, feeling along the newer, softer curves with deft, knowing fingers, like the change in shape meant nothing because he'd already learned Dean so thoroughly that Dean could probably have been an octopus and Castiel would know how to pleasure him.

Which is a weird thought. Moving on.

"You're wearing far too many clothes," Dean gasped out, pushing at the halves of Castiel's trench coat as she moved back onto the bed, pulling Castiel with her so the Angel could lay over her, between her legs.

Castiel withdrew a little, looking surprised. "You wish to have intercourse like this?" Dean rolled her eyes and nodded, biting her lower lip. Castiel watched the action, enthralled, then he leaned down to slant his lips over hers, taking her full bottom lip between his teeth and biting down lightly, and Christ, when did he learn to do that?

Castiel learned very quickly in the kissing department – and Dean found herself once again surprised as that one kiss sent little shivers up and down her spine. Well, Cas always made him shiver, but this was more…immediate. Very focused. She whined, feeling like something was burning between her legs, desperate for friction and a touch – something. Dean fisted her hands in Castiel's hair and clothes, in no mood to beat around the bush because she felt like she was going to explode and, to be honest, she'd always been curious as to what sex felt like for the girl. "Please, Cas, come on."

The Angel gave a low rumble, telling her he'd heard her, and it was a rough, growly sound that did all sorts of unfair things to Dean's body. Then, Castiel chuckled darkly and Dean moaned again. "Shh, beloved," he whispered against the soft skin of her neck, his stubble scraping against her heat-flushed skin. "I'll take care of you." And Dean totally blamed the hormones for making her blush.

And Sam was right. They did have sex on his bed. He'd come back to find a very sated big sister-brother and an Angel curled up around each other, and he'd rolled his eyes and claimed the other bed for himself because, gross, he wasn't sleeping in that now.

The three months came and went, and Dean still remained a girl. Needless to say, she was a little pissed off about it. "What the ever-loving fuck?" she growled, picking up one of her pillows and throwing it across the room, narrowly avoiding Sam's head. She then sat down, putting her hands over her eyes, and fall back onto the bed. "Fucking hell. I knew those witches would screw us over – I'm gonna be a girl like this forever!"

Sam wrinkled his nose as his brother-sister's melodramatic behaviour. "God, dude, are you PMSing or something?"

"I don't know, genius," Dean snapped in reply. "I haven't gotten my period since that first time."

Sam paused. "Wait…what?" Dean sat up, made wary by Sam's tone. "You haven't…Dude, you used protection with Castiel, right?"

There was a split second of nothing, and then Dean's eyes widened, and she clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh," was all she said.

"Yeah. Oh. Man, are you kidding me? Don't you ever use protection?"

"It's never crossed my mind with Castiel! Usually we're, you know, both guys! I wasn't…" Dean looked away, eyes wide with horror, her lips parted as she stared at the blank wall across from her bed. "Sam, will you go buy me one of those test things?"

"Sure, Dean," Sam said, standing up. Then, just because he couldn't help himself – "Dude, when I suggested getting pregnant I didn't mean actually do it. It was a joke."

The next pillow hit Sam squarely in the chest.

When Sam came back with the test, Castiel was already there. He was kneeling between Dean's legs and looking up at her, his hands on her knees and an expression that…well, it reminded Sam of the way he used to look at Jess. Or the way he liked to think that their Dad used to look at their mother. It was heartwarming.

There were tears in Dean's eyes and she had a hand flattened over her stomach. Neither of them gave any indication of hearing Sam come in.

"But…I mean…what am I supposed to do?" Dean asked, sounding young and scared and Sam stayed still, not wanting to break the moment for the sake of his brother-sister's dignity.

Castiel blinked, his brow furrowing a little, before he moved one of his hands and placed it over Dean's. "It is your body, and your decision," he said, but his eyes were telling a whole different story. Dean bit her lower lip, rubbing her thumb over her flat stomach, and she nodded.

"It's yours," she said, as though it could be anyone else's, and Castiel nodded. "Then I love it. I want it. It stays."

And Castiel's smile was blinding.