So Very Obsessed Spencer and Emily Chapter Two June 2010
Time went by again. They got consumed with cases. Emily gave in and went on more dates with Mick. She even took him to bed. But asked him to not spend the night. That was awkward. He called a few more times, came by her desk when he was in town, but it was clear that it was over. She had tried again and failed again.
They caught a case that seemed to affect JJ more than usual. Hotch noticed and kept JJ with him in the field. Morgan and Rossi were interviewing a woman who had been stalked, and since that was more their forte than hers Emily was left back at the station with Reid.
Looking at him she felt such the need to tell him things. Hear him say things to her. Just share her thoughts on what she did last weekend. What she was going to do the next weekend.
Ask if he was lonely now that his ex-girlfriend was gone. Sometimes she got so lonely and she always sensed the same kind of loneliness in him. It was one of the first things she truly felt connected them- both lonely, loner nerds. She hid it better than him but deep down she felt he was most like her out of everyone else she knew.
"Do you ever think about it?" she asked, in a truly curious voice, breaking the silence in the room.
"What?"
"Why people get obsessed with other people."
"Obsession is all about anxiety and fear. Not wanting to end up alone or rejected the person focuses on the object of their obsession to a destructive amount until the thoughts became patterns in their brain that repeat on an endless loop and feel like an integral part of what is keeping them alive. The obsession, thinking of this other person or thing, becomes as important to the afflicted as breathing."
"Isn't love sort of an obsession?"
"Sort of, yeah, but it depends on if it is a healthy relationship or not. Its natural to feel consumed for a lover in the early stages of a romance but for that to lessen as time goes on even as the bond deepens. Also, in healthy relationships the other person is allowed to maintain their autonomy and personal sense of self outside of the relationship. Whereas in unhealthy ones-"
Her will power snapped. She was so sick of not being close to him. Of trying to make other men into Reid when they couldn't be and she couldn't tell them why she almost felt sick thinking of their hands on her. The wrong hands.
She just snapped. It happened every day in the world-someone snapping, that is- and that day it happened to Emily Prentiss.
Reaching up she cupped Reid's face and brought her mouth to his, ignoring how his body stiffened and the swift shocked intake of breath that he sucked in, the way he slightly pulled back. She ignored all his physical indications he didn't want this because Reid would, of course, always prefer to keep life safe, quiet and unmessy.
His life of books. The life he was loathe to let too many people inside of no matter if they begged. He might want them nearer but it was easier not to risk it so most times he didn't.
But rare times he did. And those people- Gideon, Elle, Lila, Austin, Morgan, Garcia, JJ, his last girlfriend perhaps, and his childhood friend Ethan- those people Emily found herself jealous over.
They got into the place she wanted to be. They got to see a side of Reid that Emily only glimpsed. They got to hear confessions she would cheer to know.
So today she took something for herself. One kiss. She took it because she wanted to know him better. To feel him against her. To have something to remember.
She took it because she was going crazy with wanting more and, even if he yelled at her afterwards, she needed relief from the aching want that wouldn't end, even years later.
Maybe this one kiss would end the want. This kiss that lasted the briefest of seconds and yet was so soft, tender, emotional and soothing. Her heart was in her throat when she pulled back, glad he hadn't broken away from her but had actually slid just a little closer, his hands going to both her upper arms.
Emily looked up and into Spencer's eyes. "Don't freak out."
He furrowed his brow and she knew she had said the exact wrong thing. "Why would I freak out?"
Her eyes were locked on him his while his seemed to be concentrating on her lips. "Because you're mad I did that?"
He swallowed and was silent.
She barreled on, all to aware they were still very near to each other, "I did that because I think about it."
"Kissing me?"
"Well, yeah, duh, but I also think about not being so lonely anymore."
Just then a cop walked in. Emily and Spencer moved away from each other. Clearing their throats and fidgeting to smooth out minute wrinkles in their clothes they spoke to the man, and soon they were on the laptop to Penelope, the case was gearing back up again.
They slipped into work mode and didn't talk about the kiss anymore that day.
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She was interested in him on a level he didn't know before. He thought she wanted a deeper friendship, and though that was part of it, Spencer Reid was surprised to realize that Emily was thinking of him in terms beyond friendship.
How long had that been going through her mind? His friends called him oblivious sometimes. Had this been one of those times? He previously had seen things in her behavior but he didn't equate those things to sexual desire for him.
Now his mind was replaying the whole time he had known her and seeing things differently- but he couldn't be sure what meant something and what didn't. When it came to unsubs he knew what the littlest quirk in their behavior indicated but when it came to his lovers he was too close to the situation. He often didn't know exactly what they were thinking and what they wanted.
Samantha made that easy. She had been a talker. She told him everything that entered her head. To the point where he just wanted her to shut up because he realized he couldn't give her any of the things she wanted. He didn't know if he even wanted to get married and have kids. The thought kinda left him cold and worried. But he knew for sure he did not want that with her. He had tried to please her though. Tried and failed. He was glad he tried. It showed him that he could be in a relationship that lasted a while. It just needed to be with the right person and he needed to figure out what he wanted for his life so that he could tell his partner.
He could analyze his relationship foibles in the grander scheme of things, like a science equation, but when it came right down to it relationships were not clean and clear that way. They were messy and confusing.
Like this thing with Emily. This kiss.
He was surprised it had happened at all and also surprised about where it happened- during work hours in a coastal town in Maine. It seemed to come out of no where but her words afterwards revealed that to be most untrue.
She thought of kissing him. Of not being lonely. Of him taking away her loneliness. What would make her have faith like that in him?
Could he do that? Did he even want to try?
He found himself touching his lips later that day when he was reading over a diary the unsub had left behind at his old apartment, which they raided that afternoon after the kiss. His thumb brushed his bottom lip, mimicking the feel of when it was Emily's mouth against his.
It could just be a one time thing. That was, clearly, up to him. To leave it where it stands now would certainly keep him from being dragged through emotions he didn't know if he could handle. Situations at work that could get violate. Being that open and raw with her might be too much for him and he might shut down.
An image of them laying in bed together, white sheets tangled around sweat slicked, flushed bodies, and his head rested against her chest as she stroked his hair, invaded his mind just then. He sat up straight very quickly.
Morgan asked "What's up, kid? You find something we can use?"
"No, not yet. I was just thinking about something I...read. Hmmm." He looked at the diary again, forcing himself to focus on it.
That had to be rule one, if he did get involved with Emily, during work hours they had to be all about work. Was he really...actually...considering going there? Letting her know him that way. Learning about her in different ways. More than just how she liked to be kissed or what she looked like without her clothes on- all thrilling thoughts indeed- but knowing more about how she related with her mother, and what she saw for her future when it came to kids, and where she might like to vacation if they had more than three days off in a row.
Knowing how to get her to smile when she felt like crying. Knowing more than what he picked up just by being a profiler about her food preferences, personal grooming habits, and hobbies.
Knowing her as a lover. Knowing her as a best friend. Knowing her in the ways that would ease her loneliness.
Did he want to step up and be the man who loved Emily?
Later on the plane, as they flew home, he found himself pretending to be engrossed in a book to avoid staring at her and thinking too hard about questions that were darting through his mind. He had noticed that she kept looking at him, as she sat across from him.
Then she would talk to JJ some more. Look out the window. Cross and uncross her legs. Tap her fingers. Look at Reid again.
JJ got up to go to the bathroom.
After another few minutes Reid put down his book. "Do you know what Pearl S. Buck said about loneliness?" He paused before saying the quote "The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if he does not reach out for another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no inspiration."
"So will that be you?"
"I don't know. I don't want it to be. But I'm not sure its in my power to change who I have been into who I would like to be. I'm not even sure who I would like to be, to be honest."
She leaned forward and dropped her voice "Reid, the easiest thing in the world would be to forget what happened today but I'm so sick of taking the easy way out when it comes to this kind of thing."
Her eyes searched his before she settled back in her seat once again.
There was a long silence. Reid saw JJ coming back from the bathroom. He said to Emily, his voice low and steady, "I'm not sure what to say to you right now except: You have me thinking."
He went back to reading his book but not before catching the way her deep, dark brown eyes lightened with hopefulness.