Part II: Sales Executive
Thranduil spun around to see that the crowd of fangirls had grown and was advancing upon him. For a while they had been too awestruck by his royal mien to do anything more than stare and sigh, but now they were collecting their forces for an all-out attack.
"Will you sign this?" shouted someone from the crowd, waving a t-shirt. Someone else waved a Hobbit DVD.
"They mean to surround us," said Legolas. This was obvious. In fact, it had already been done.
"Quickly!" shouted Legolas, springing to action.
Much as he hated to follow Legolas's lead, Thranduil deemed it to be the wisest course of action and scrambled after him up onto a table.
"Now what?" he demanded irritably.
"We're trapped."
"Use your bow," suggested Thranduil.
"No! Not unless the situation becomes dire indeed."
The fangirls were all around them now, avoiding their kicks and trying to grab their clothes. Since Legolas wore a short tunic and leggings he was much less vulnerable to grabbing on to than Thranduil who wore a full length robe, not to mention multiple yards of royal cape. As a matter of fact Thranduil noticed that nearly all the attention was directed towards him, which anomaly he could not make sense of. Legolas had always been the popular one. Legolas couldn't make sense of it either.
"Draw them off," gasped Thranduil desperately. "I might be able to make it to the door."
"I'll sign your shirt!" shouted Legolas over the hubbub.
Several of the older looking fangirls surged half-heartedly towards him. The rest ignored his offer.
"Listen," said Thranduil, "I'm not interested in any of you. And I'm already married. See?"
He held up his wallet and showed them all his wedding picture.
"Uh, dad," said Legolas, "Mom died like two ages ago."
"Shut up," hissed Thranduil. "Do you have a better idea?"
"Well, it's not working."
Thranduil glanced out the window as the sound of sirens caught his ears. Several police cars had pulled up outside.
"Wait a minute, I have an idea," said Legolas. He snatched a poster from a nearby fangirl. "Here, dad; sign it," he said.
Thranduil took the poster and the sharpie Legolas shoved into his hand and hastily signed his name in the corner. Legolas snatched the poster back and held it up.
"Hey, here you are; catch!" he called. He flung the poster at the further corner of the room. It flew about six inches and then drifted slowly towards the ground.
"Moron," said Thranduil, catching it. He rolled it into a tight roll and launched it in the general direction of the cash register. There was an immediate exodus on the part of the fangirls, allowing Thranduil and Legolas to leave the table and reach the door.
They exited the coffee shop just as the police began to surround the building. The two elves turned and walked nonchalantly up the street, attempting to look like innocent passersby wholly unconnected with the fracas inside.
Legolas took a deep breath and mentally patted himself on the back for being brilliant enough to get them out of that scrape.
"That was fun," remarked Thranduil. He glanced across the street at a large book store. "Let's try there next."
"Dad!" said Legolas. "Don't you think we'd better concentrate on how to get back home?"
"We can't get back," snapped Thranduil. "You drank my potion. While we're stuck here we might as well enjoy it."
He crossed the street and entered the store. Legolas reluctantly followed him. Just inside the automatic doors was a large display of books with a sign that said "Book Signing Here Today!" Thranduil strode over and spread himself over the comfortable easy chair that stood behind a small table in front of the sign.
"Dad, you can't sit there," said Legolas nervously.
"I'll sit where I want to."
Legolas shrugged and wandered off to the music section. When he returned ten minutes later he found a long line of customers queued up in front of Thranduil's table. Some of them had brought books for him to sign, but many more were busily buying books from the stack. There were only a few books left and the fifty or so customers who didn't have one yet were fighting fiercely over them. Thranduil was signing books as unconcernedly as if he was at home in his palace signing spider extermination orders.
Legolas looked curiously over his father's shoulder at the book he was signing. The title read "How to Look Fabulous in Thirty Days" and the author was someone Legolas had never heard of. He glanced around nervously to see how the store manager was taking it. If the manager was the fat man in the aisle staring at the depleted pile of books with a huge smile on his face, he was taking it very well.
Suddenly Legolas heard a shriek and all the fangirls from the coffee shop who had not been arrested came rushing into the store shouting "There he is!"
"Dad!" yelled Legolas.
"Son!" yelled Thranduil.
They both bolted. Legolas didn't know where they were going, except that it seemed to be in the general direction of a small red exit sign at the back of the store. Behind them he could hear the screams of the fangirls and the despairing cries of the customers who had not had their books signed yet.
"Get it open! Get it open!" screamed Thranduil as they reached the door.
They both threw all their weight against the door and popped out into a back alley.
"Quick! Onto the roof!" said Legolas, striking one of his best action poses. "They won't be able to follow us."
Thranduil lowered his eyebrows. "And make a spectacle of ourselves in front of the whole city?" he demanded haughtily. "When will you ever learn to be dignified?" He felt that it was time he began to assert his fatherhood and start giving the orders. "We shall go down the street like civilised people."
A crowd of fangirls erupted from the door behind them. Legolas sprinted down the alley towards the street and Thranduil swept up his robes and followed him, looking as unlike a civilised person as it was possible to look at the moment.
"Which way?" panted Legolas as they reached the street.
"Over here. There seems to be one of those mortal law enforcement officers."
"Dad! You'll get arrested."
"Hey, what's going on?" said the policeman as Thranduil and Legolas approached.
"Arrest those people for assault," shouted Thranduil, sweeping regally up to him. "Also indecorous behaviour in the presence of the elvenking."
"Who're you, buddy?"
"And causing a disturbance. And being a public nuisance. And breaking windows. And disrupting peaceful book signings."
The fangirls were coming closer. Thranduil glanced over his shoulder and spoke faster.
"You could probably fine them for unlawful assembly, too. And possibly speeding, if there's a pedestrian speed limit. And...what other laws do you have here?"
"Dad, let's get out of here," said Legolas, tugging at his sleeve.
Thranduil jerked his sleeve away in annoyance.
"Immediately," he finished, waving his hand.
"If you want to lodge a complaint you have to do it down at the station," said the policeman. He could see the fangirls coming too and was getting edgy.
"You're throwing away a chance to make a lot of money," said Thranduil desperately. "You could collect enough fines for - never mind; namarie!"
The fangirls had gotten too close and the elves were off once more. They passed a random pedestrian who stopped and stared after them.
"Hey, you don't look anything like Thranduil, you dork!" yelled the pedestrian. "His robes were nowhere near that long and billowy and your hair looks stupid - "
The rest of his critique was lost in shouts of pain as a bevy of fangirls separated themselves from the pursuing mob to attack him. This gave Thranduil and Legolas time to reach a clothing store and slip inside.
"Psst! Dad, in here!" Legolas whispered, diving into a large rack of winter coats.
Thranduil attempted to follow but there was not room enough inside the rack for Legolas and Thranduil and the elvenking's long cape. Thranduil backed out again and looked around frantically for another hiding place.
His eye caught the store window full of plastic dummies in snazzy mens' fashions. Snatching a pair of sunglasses from a display, Thranduil leaped onto the low platform and pushed one of the mannequins into the aisle. Standing in its now vacated space, he donned the sunglasses and struck a stylish pose, hoping the fangirls would not recognise him through his thin disguise.
Two seconds later the fangirls streamed into the store and began to wander among the aisles, oblivious to the SALE! signs scattered liberally about the store. Inside the coat rack Legolas was getting itchy from the woolen coats. He poked his head out cautiously to see where his dad had ended up.
Thranduil was enjoying his pose in the store window, but he wished he had an elven throne to sit on. His legs were getting tired. On the upside, it was interesting to watch all the lame, mortal people sidle past, busy with their lame, mortal lives. It made him feel pretty cool by contrast. Even cooler than usual, that is.
The sunglasses he had grabbed randomly also happened to be a very nice brand and looked particularly good on him. At least, he assumed so, judging by all the looks he was getting. Several people actually stopped and stared and then went into the store with obsessed expressions on their faces.
"Dad!" hissed a voice in his ear.
"Go away, son. I'm busy," said Thranduil, upsetting his pose long enough to wave Legolas away.
"But dad, we need to leave. They're going to find you. And there's a bunch of people yelling at the store manager because he doesn't carry capes."
Thranduil turned around to see what was happening in the store. A crowd of people were swirling around an empty display that had once held sunglasses, while quite a few more were busy buying spangly pyjamas or blond hair colour. Loud voices floated over from the direction of the customer service desk.
"They ought to pay me for all the sales I'm bringing in for them," said Thranduil.
"They'll more likely call the police," said Legolas. "Come on, let's go."
"Not yet!"
"Hey, isn't that Thran - "
"All right, let's go!" said Thranduil, changing his mind and smashing dramatically through the window and out onto the sidewalk.
Legolas leaped out behind him and glanced up and down the street.
"Now where?" he asked.
"I'm hungry," said Thranduil.
I first meant to make this story a one-shot, but it got too long. Now I'm having so much fun that I have to drag it on to part 3. Don't worry; Thranduil will get back home eventually.
And to everyone who commented on the last part:
OneSizeFitsAll: Well, I was making them show up in California, so as long as you don't go there you should be all right... Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: Yes! Totally make Elrond send him coffee! That would be great! Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: Yes, kids... You would? O.O Actually, *cough* *hem* I probably would be too... ThurinRanger: I don't know who originally paired Thranduil and Starbucks, but they just go together really well... HaloFin17: Yeah, Thranduil kind of reminded me of Loki too. He and Legolas could always use some bonding time that doesn't involve slicing up orcs. :/ krishnochura: Yep, here you go! And thanks!