And we've caught up to what I have on ao3. I don't know when chapter 3, the final chapter, will come out, or if it ever would. It's been a WIP for a year, much like ch 2 has been (On ao3, it took me a year to update to the second chapter.) I've also used a lot of hyphens as em dashes, so if that annoys you, I'm sorry. Couldn't find the button on notepad. Thanks for checking this out and enjoy.
He dreams of monsoons, the kind that grandmothers warn of.
If he presses his face hard into the sheets, would he disappear from the world? Would he sink and meld into that deep, dark place, that place where his confidence hides? Drawn windows, blinds all stiff and tight. Bare walls. He rolls over and his knee catches a ridge on the mattress. Drops into a valley where there used to be none.
Kageyama's no stranger to disappointment. Both at the world and toward himself. Not after he ended up in the least active job ever, pushing pencils for six years, when he used to breathe sweat and adrenaline. And volleyball. Not when he ran away from his feelings and himself just because he 'couldn't take it.' But he's good at running away, could get an Olympic medal for it, stuck in delusions where this or that doesn't matter, and he's happy, so happy.
But for once in his life he's taken a step forward, all to have it combust in his face.
Well, it didn't technically combust. Just kind of…fizzled. Kageyama left that guy's apartment in the middle of the night. In hindsight, it probably wasn't a good idea to leave the front door unlocked. His brain had still been fogged and his body had still ached. And yet he dragged himself from that fluffy futon with the full strength of a bear, stumbling through the streets and relying on the walls of stores to keep balance. He ended up in a small, danky hotel. Not quite remembering how he got there.
The worst part was he never got to talk with Hinata after. Things just sort of mellowed. Time went by as usual. Except for one important fact. Gone were the emails to hang out, the calls to go get drinks. His phone suddenly feels like paperweight in his pockets, or maybe just a glorified clock. Tobio can count the number of people who regularly message him on his thumbs. And now, it is thumb singular.
Four days passed, and then a week, a week and a half. Eventually two weeks went by. Tobio could no longer pretend that everything is okay. As if adding insult to injury, each time he closes his eyes in the comfort of his room at night Tobio sees Hinata. Hinata, in his bed as he unraveled that woman's dress, pulling it over her head to kiss her all over. Hinata as he slipped his fingers into her underwear, eyes full of fervor and lust. Naked bodies gleaming only in the light of the moon -
His eyes start to burn. Why couldn't he be good enough?
There are no answers to his question, just the whispers of his own heart and the dark. And bitterness. The only light flickering in the shadows comes from the lighter his hands keep playing with. Clink clink.
When his phone's screen suddenly lights up, Kageyama pounces on it, pupils straining and adjusting to the burst of blue and white, the metal object discarded completely. It's still too blurry. He reaches for his glasses.
/From: Suga-san
Work starts at 7am tomorrow.
Let's do our best! /
Kageyama heaves out a heavy sigh, face flushed and burning like hot coals. Figures it wouldn't be from him.
A week ago, he contacted Sugawara and told him of how he passed the licensing exam. Within an hour, the man who smells of meadows and world peace rang his doorbell, tray of cookies and work forms at hand. Kageyama had signed them, mind not really there, relishing the distraction, and shuffled the pages over to his smiling senior.
An hour slips by with him lazing in bed. The tall secluded man finally pulls himself off the pity train, rummaging in his closet and throwing on a shirt. No use feeling sorry for himself. Yeah. He's gone ten years without Hinata, he can do another ten years or fifty or more.
I don't need it.
Maybe it's time to do a bit of food shopping. Right. The fridge is almost empty and he'd definitely need a hot meal tomorrow morning. Definitely need some energy before stepping into a room full of children. Deep, deep breath. Nervous; his hands are shaking. Doesn't realize the cashier's rung up a pack of Marlboros with the rest of his stuff until he's walking through the sliding doors.
It's probably been, what, three, four years? Dark blue eyes flicker over the text, tides rising in two oceans. How does it taste like again? How do cancer sticks taste like again? Like death, probably. Death and ignorance and bliss.
His hand grips the carton with quiet introspection. Slips it back into the plastic bag. Nearly drops it when a loud buzz comes screaming from his back pockets.
It's a call from the devil.
"H-hello?" He's in the streets now, frozen on the sidewalk and crowds of people dodging past him as they battle with their own lives. The line is quiet, save for a bit of static and shuffling on the other side. And mutterings. Kageyama is starting to think this is a pocket call, or maybe his own delusions finally catching up with him, when a voice from the speaker blooms.
"Let's go out for drinks, Kageyama-san!"
"What?" He's so close, now, from being riddled with temptation. From taking a bite out of the devil's fruit.
"I said," Hinata's voice is a bit higher than usual, tighter, a bit scratchy. Kind of like sandpaper. "Let's meet up."
He falls from Eden.
The first thing Kageyama does when he gets to the designated bar is steel his face. He's got about five minutes to the clock, five minutes before that guy comes waltzing from the bus. He's gotta make sure there's nothing too revealing. That his eyes aren't too wide and his cheeks too red. No use looking like a fidgety teenager.
After smoothing down his hair for the fourth time - all dark and flat and frayed, by the way - Hinata finally comes strolling down the block.
"Hey."
"Hi." Kageyama doesn't look him in the eyes.
"Did you wait long?"
"No I - uh, just got here." Why is this feeling like an awkward first date?
"Ok good. Let's go inside."
The place is warm. Stuffy like an old sweater, but cozy where it counts. Everyone seems to be having a good time, the loud chatter of life just permeating the air. Kageyama and Hinata sit by themselves in a corner booth. It's close enough to be considered part of the atmosphere, but far and tucked away to render the sounds as just background noise. The brunet takes a deep breath, nostrils flaring slightly and lungs expanding to the rush of spicy cologne just a few feet away. The shorter man's there sipping a glass of whiskey, while Tobio just sits and stares at his beer. Nothing too hard right now. He's learned from last time.
"So," the taller man starts, eyes boring holes into his drink.
"Kageyama."
"What?"
"I've thought about it, and I think Haruka misses you." Tobio's glaring at the white bubbles, the pale brown when his brain registers the statement.
"Eh?"
"You know, she's never been so willful before. Always did what she was told. Never complained. But now all of a sudden she's asking for you, when 'unco' would hop by. I just can't put off her questions anymore."
He sits with his back against the hard wooden slab, shoulders hunched and wide alert. Takes a tentative sip of his beer.
"So, won't you come by sometime, Kageyama?" Caramel orbs peer into his soul. The man with the slouch to his walk, the grouch to his face, slowly simmers down.
"I..." He must know he's not being fair. No way Hinata can't know. Kageyama swallows the bitter, fizzy liquid, swallows the words he's prepared for tonight since that phone call, hands squeezing the glass in a death grip. The gods must be laughing at him right now. Even so..."Fine." His eyes dart past Hinata's gaze. "But only because Haru's asked." Take a deep breath now...
"And I want payment."
"Huh?" This time, it is the redhead's turn to be confused.
"I'm a daycare worker starting last Wednesday. You can't expect me to work for free."
"What's years of friendship if I gotta pay?"
"It's only because of those years that I'm even agreeing to do this." His forehead's crinkled, and his face is twisted into a scowl, but the soft blossom of a smile is just threatening to bloom. Kageyama quickly brings the glass to his lips again. "And what the hell? Aren't you being a bit too entitled?"
"Stingy," says Hinata.
"I never said it's with money," says Tobio.
"...Then what?"
"I want dinner. Every time. And it better be good."
Now there's that smile of Hinata's, all bright and soft. Mesmerizing Kageyama swallows, aims his gaze elsewhere. Trying hard to keep his thoughts from engulfing him whole.
"You're the best, you know?"
"Shut up." Then, softer: "Damn right I am."
They sit in the booth, covered by blankets of laughter, of familiarity, and Kageyama almost thinks everything is alright. That his actions from that night were all but a dream. That it never happened, no way it could have happened -
"You shouldn't drink too much."
A slender dark brow arches. Tobio glances from across the table.
"Why is that?"
Hinata seems to fidget in his seat, tangerine tresses curling by his ears from sweat. Fingers twiddling by his lap.
"It's just, um, you seemed unwell last time."
Ah. "Really? I don't remember." He's got to play it cool, less the other man picks anything up. Even though his heart is wrenching in his chest right now. "Must have had a bit too much. It was really all a blur." He sneaks a glance at Hinata, releases a breath he doesn't know he was holding when he sees the other relax.
"Haha, well you were pretty sick."
"Hm."
"Someone was throwing up and everything."
"Really."
"You couldn't even walk, kept stumbling on the floor and crying for 'mommy'-"
"Dumbass, that never happened!"
"Wahaha you're blushing!"
He is not. Kageyama just can't take the heat, is all.
After another hour, the duo leaves the place, brisk night air hitting their faces. The night sky is clear, the pits of Kageyama's roots catching love from the moon. They're walking to the bus stop now. Their bodies are swaying side by side. Just a few more blocks and they'd be parting ways, why do they have to part ways -
"Right, that reminds me," a crackle of embers, a fire being lit in Hinata's eyes, "there's something I want to show you."
The bus across the street rumbles, wheels turning and speeding off into the distance.
"Show?"
"That's right." Not even skipping a beat.
"What about Haru -."
"It's 'me' time, remember? Relax, I've got a sitter."
And with that, they slip into the darker corners of the streets. It's such a strange turn of events. Kageyama, not quite sure how to react to a situation like this, slowly trails behind Hinata, making sure to always be one stride away.
"Where are -"
"Hm?"
Kageyama pauses mid step whereas Hinata is still moving. 'Where are we going?'
"Nothing," says Kageyama.
They make a turn at a quiet intersection. Their bodies meld into the shadows but for some reason or another the taller man can sense the other through the darkness. There are trees surrounding them, blades of grass tickling his bare ankles, and then Kageyama realizes they took a route up a hill.
The crunch of leaves and dirt are only accompanied by their shallow breathing. It's still and silent, a total contrast from the bustling city behind them. With every step closer to the summit, Tobio feels his heartbeat quicken. From what exactly? Excitement? Fear ?
"Hinata -" He doesn't get to finish his thought.
Hinata's staring straight into his soul as he reaches out a hand to the taller man. His grip is strong, fingers cold and palms rough with calluses. And then they're on top of the hill.
And the sight takes his breath away.
There are a million lights in the distance, blinking gently, flickering in the horizon. A bit farther off are the telltale reds and whites of ongoing traffic. Rubies and diamonds. If he closes his eyes, he can hear the shallow breathing of the other. Hinata's beside him, eyes narrowing and body scrunching slightly from a yawn, the lithe grace of a fox. Much more mesmerizing than the sight before them.
"...Beautiful."
"Hm, you mean the city lights? Almost looks like the stars. Too bad you can't really see anything up there." The redhead points to the sky.
Kageyama feels the tips of his ears burn. "R-right." He chokes.
"Sit down," says Hinata, paying no attention to the dirt on his pants. He pats the ground as if waving over a child.
The taller man slinks down next to Hinata, bangs concealing his eyes. He wonders what kind of expression is on his own face.
"You didn't bring me here just to sight-see, did you." Kageyama's voice is a bit hollow, a bit scratchy.
"Kageyama, do you remember the last time we came here?"
How could he not? It was right after their defeat to Seijou in the Interhigh preliminaries of their first year. The two of them had stormed the hill, jerseys moist with snot and tears, determination etched into their faces as they screamed into the air their revenge. It'd been one of those times he felt truly alive. Something swells in the pit of Tobio's stomach.
"Yeah," he says softly.
"Sometimes I come up here after a hard day at work and just yell. Let off some steam." Hinata's hand plays with a small blade of grass, fingers tugging it from the ground. Eyes still fixated at the nightview.
Not once did he glance at the man beside him.
"Single fatherhood must be tough."
"Well, yeah. But I wouldn't trade Haru for anything in the world."
"Cause she's your little princess."
"She's my little princess," says Hinata, a hint of pride and a smile tugging at his lips. A wink. He leans back, hands supporting his weight. "That's why, while I'm still around, she'll be my number one." Caramel eyes soften, although still aimed away from Kageyama.
Slowly: "Why did you bring me here, Hinata?"
For the first time since reaching the hill's peak, Hinata is looking at him. There's a gentle lull in his gaze, although Tobio would be lying if he says he doesn't see the flecks of guilt in the swirling amber. Guilt. He is making Hinata feel guilty. Hinata who should only be brightness and energy and parental love, is feeling guilty from Tobio's selfish emotions. Emotions that he keeps pushing on to the other man. The more he considers this, the more his hands shake, and he clasps them together in hopes of hiding it. The familiar heat on his cheeks, obscured by the shadows. He takes a deep breath.
"Oi. You shouldn't think too much, it's not something your brain can handle." I don't need it.
"H-hey are you calling me dumb?"
"Well I'm sure as hell not calling you smart." I don't -I don't -I -
"You! You got lower scores than me on every test!"
" Hah?!"
" Hurk!"
This is okay. Bickering over nothing, while ignoring the elephant in the room. This much he can still do.
"Let's head back," says Kageyama, a bit worn and lips settling into his signature scowl. "Wouldn't want to keep your sitter waiting."
"Oh." Suddenly they're both at a lost for words.
"Here. Don't just sit there like an idiot, take my hand," says Kageyama. Up above a plane passes, it's lights flickering in the darkness. Artificial stars in a light polluted sky.
After that night on the hill, Kageyama falls into routine. He wakes up early, heads for the daycare center, takes a bus ride home. He wakes up early, heads to Hinata's neighborhood, takes a bus ride home. Each time his eyes catch the familiar green awning, the silhouette of a cactus by the second floor window, his heart would falter, body performing a 180. Cursing under his breath as his mind screamed to get the hell out of there.
Even so, Kageyama's expected this. He knew that upon descending from that hill, the dynamics of their rediscovered relationship was bound to change. No way he wouldn't have thought of this. But of course, it doesn't mean he has to be happy about it.
If he were to be honest - and honesty is one of the traits that Kageyama's aware he struggles with - he hasn't felt the light, bouncy emotion in months. The closest would be the first night he babysat Haru.
"You reek."
"What?" Tobio wakes up from his stupor, hands pulling a blanket up as he tucks a toddler in. Soft classical music plays from a stereo in the background.
"I said you smell like cigarettes. Have you been smoking?" A stern yet concerned look flashes across Sugawara's face. His usually smooth forehead is creased.
"I..."
"Kageyama."
He finds himself compelled to look into the peppered hair man's eyes.
"If anything's bothering you, you know you can always talk to me, right? I'll be happy to listen." The shorter man reaches down to pick up a toy. Hands lightly squeezing the soft belly. Squeak. "And of course, I hope it goes without saying that we're a smoke-free zone. Even though you're not puffing here, the parents won't like it if they catch a whiff of you." Sugawara points the stuffed rabbit at Kageyama, yet in this instance it looks and feels like more of a weapon. A warning.
"Right. Sorry about that." Then, softer: "Just been a bit stressed."
"I can see that," says Suga, a soft sympathetic smile on his lips.
Kageyama takes a deep breath, picking himself up from crouching above the little kid. "But I'll get over it." Pats the dust off his pants. There's a buzz in his pockets. He slips a hand into the fabric folds of his pants, pulls out his phone. Brow furrows at the sender ID.
"Something the matter?"
"Oh - uh, no. My mother texted me." Dark brows furrow, while a slender silver brow arches.
Kageyama shuffles his cellphone back into his pants.
"You wanted to speak to me?"
Tobio's sitting in his family home's kitchen table. Feet planted firmly on the ground. The floorboards squeak as his mother rounds the counter, sliding two plates of freshly baked apple pie on the smooth surface. It's a small room, not much, but the way sunlight streams through the lavender curtains inspires a gentle nostalgia within the deepest knooks of Tobio's heart.
Kageyama Keiko is silent in her touch, slowly cutting the slice of pie into bite-sized nibblets. The soft scratch of metal kissing porcelain could be heard throughout the kitchen.
"Would you like a marriage interview?"
"...What?"
"It's a shame how you and Yoko went. You're already twenty-eight, aren't you Tobio?"
He winces. The woman pauses in her ministrations, placing the eating utensils flat on the table. Pie left untouched.
"Your dad and I would like to see our grandchildren soon. We're not getting any younger."
"Mother, I - you don't have to rush me -"
"Of course. But you know how unpredictable life is."
Tobio bites his lip, sharp incisors nearly drawing blood from the pink flesh. His hands are on his lap, clutched into fists. Shaking. "Are you talking about Aunt Ritsuko?"
A long, drawled sigh. The elder Kageyama sits up even straighter on her chair, prompting Tobio to mirror her actions. Which may or may not have been unconscious. "What a poor thing, my sister. Lived alone, passed on the same way." Dark eyes peer into his own. A flicker of... frustration? Pity? "Don't you wish to be happy?"
"So having a wife and kids will make me happy." It was his last ditch attempt at regaining any sort of autonomy, control of the situation.
"I'm just saying we're worried. In a lifespan, how many decades are there? Once your father and I are gone, what will happen to you? I just don't want you to be alone." His mother pulls out an envelope from the purse on a nearby stand. Slides it to her son. Pictures of a young woman of marrying age, a prospective partner within.
"Will this make you happy?"
"It'll make me worry less, that's for sure."
He thinks of his parents, old and gray, robbed of the colorful palettes that are young grandchildren. Thinks of his late aunt, cold, pale, and silent, laying in that dark, dark space. The crackling orange and gold that is Haru.
It's not the first time he's left letters unopen. But.
He's running a bit late, shirt half-way buttoned and a cup of instant coffee wrapped within his hand. For some reason his alarm refused to go off, giving Kageyama a whopping four minutes to get ready and prepare. He manages to squeeze into a bus going uptown. Not really appreciating the looks of curiosity at his well-put togetherness, or lack thereof, from spectators.
When he finally sees the storefront of his daycare, Kageyama breaks into a sprint. Which in hindsight, might have been a bad idea. He pushes the door. Torso collides with torso, a cup of coffee shooting into the air, chocolate colored rain staining Tobio's white dress shirt.
"Are you serious?!"
"Kageyama?"
And he turns away and runs.
"W-wait! Where are you going?"
This is not happening right now. He's going to take a detour into that department store across the street, pick out a new shirt. Call in sick for work. Kageyama feels the gears in his brain spinning in overdrive. Why is this guy here, in his daycare center, in his neighborhood? That guy doesn't even live close by.
And why is Hinata, the last man he wanted to see in the world right now, chasing after him?
"Slow down! I can't keep up!"
"Then stop following me!"
"Nuh uh! Haru's gonna kill me if I mess this up!"
" Haah ?! Stop pinning the blame on your daughter, you shitty shorty!"
"W-what? Stupid tall leg monster!"
Somehow through all the insults, Hinata manages to close in on Tobio, hands grabbing at the flaps of the brunet's unbuttoned coat. They tumble to the ground.
Their breaths come out as large puffs, their cheeks red from all the running. Kageyama realizes they are very close. Pulls himself up and off of the redhead and instead places his hands on his lap as support.
"Why?" he asks.
"I can ask you the same thing," growls Hinata. "You've been avoiding me for weeks now. I tried calling you but it says your phone's no longer in service?"
"That's technically not a lie."
"What the hell? And here I thought we were finally catching up."
"Hinata."
" What?"
"Can we please talk someplace else? We're in the middle of the streets." Kageyama points to the crowd of curious onlookers spilling past them. The abundance of stares is slowly grating on his tough exterior, making Tobio feel self conscious.
"R-right."
They end up going to that department store, Kageyama (hiding) in the changing room, while Hinata stands and leans on the thin wooden door separating them.
"How, uh, have you been Kageyama?"
"Fine." He pulls his soiled shirt over his head.
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?"
Hinata stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jackets, diligently counting the number of tiles on the floor.
"I feel like I've done something to offend you. Or you wouldn't have cut me off like that." Again, is what Tobio thinks is left unspoken. The brunet can picture clearly the sag to the redhead's eyes, the creases on his face as he is talking. The guilt that is likely washing over Hinata's form. Tobio sighs.
"It's, it's not really something you did. It's more of my own personal problem."
"Yeah? Wanna talk about it? I mean look like this but I'm actually a great listener."
As if I can tell you. "That...wouldn't be necessary." Just why is he feeling happy from Hinata showing him a little attention? And, has Tobio been mistaken all this time? Surely Hinata wouldn't be here acting like this, asking him all these questions, if he knew the true extent of Tobio's emotions. The taller man begins to button up the new top, but his fingers feel lame. "Actually," he shuts his eyes tight, hands shaking and teeth biting into soft lips. Losing all reason...
"Hinata, towards you I've always...always..."
A loud ringing echoes through the wide space. Blue eyes burst open. It's a string of text messages from Suga. Great, he's got a lot of explaining to do to his boss.
"Kageyama? Did you say something before?"
The door to the fitting room swings open, jolting the redhead off balance.
"Hinata." He can't bear to look at him right now. "I'll come over. Tonight." Takes a few steps forward. "Uh, well if I'm allowed to of course..." Pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Yes! Please do." Hinata flashes him a smile, so bright it feels like it's melting off Tobio's face. "I'll pick you up later!" And he's gone like a storm.
Kageyama is not so sure what the other means by that, until he finally steps into his daycare room.
"Unco!"
He feels his heart warm, a gentle stream where a river once ran.
"Um, I'll carry Haru to her room and she can rest there. It's been a long day for her."
Kageyama nods, watching as the shorter man princess-holds the little girl up the stairs. Pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose with a finger.
"Sorry for the intrusion," he says to the now empty hallway.
Even though it's not the first time he's been over at this place, there's definitely a long break since he's last stepped foot here. Tobio feels the prickly fizzes of nervousness in his gut, wraps his belly with his arms to try and ease the unpleasant sensation. Trying his best not to puke. There are beads of sweat hanging from his skin, and he wonders if the tension is showing on his face. Probably. He brings his hands up, palms smacking at his cheeks.
"What are you doing?" asks a bemused Hinata. Kageyama fights the urge to blush, and scowls instead.
"Mosquito."
"Suuure." The shorter man leads Tobio to the living room, double-taking at his guest before sticking a foot into his kitchen.
"Sit down and get cozy. I'll get us some snacks." And then he's gone.
Tobio sinks into the soft couch, wondering just what the hell brought him here. A long sigh escapes from dry lips, and he licks at them. Try as he might, but the brunet can't seem to shake off the feeling that something big is going to happen. And with the kind of luck he sports, it sure wouldn't be good.
The clink of glass kissing glass. The redhead enters the living room with a crate of beer bottles and chips. Amber orbs narrow, a zip of lightning flashing through those eyes.
"Huh, why are you sitting like that? You can turn on the tv, ya know? Don't act like we're strangers."
He doesn't say anything to that. Instead, Tobio reluctantly grabs for the remote, turning on the tv to some random drama show. Hinata passes him a beer. With a pop, both men start sipping at their drinks.
No matter how hard he tries to pay attention to the couple arguing on the screen, his ears zone in on the soft intake of breath from the other. The faint but spicy, musky scent. From the corners of his eyes, Tobio can just catch Hinata leaning forward from the seat of the couch, eyes glued to the TV and lips pursed in concentration. He squeezes a cushion close to his chest. Pulls it up to bury the tip of his nose in it.
Kageyama licks his lips as he absentmindedly breathes into the cushion. Almost sighs as he does. It smells like Hinata.
"You're always thinking of that woman. You close your heart up and you don't even realize it."
"Carol, Annabelle was my wife."
"And she's been gone for 8 years. Why?"
The woman on screen bites her lip, face crumpling into itself. "Why can't it be me?"
"This show is kind of depressing," says Tobio. He's leaning back into the couch now. Grimacing. His legs are closed and he's sitting straight, leaving a wide space between him and Hinata.
"Yeah, it's won a lot of awards, though. I hope they get together in the end."
"Why?"
"Well. It'd be too sad, wouldn't it?"
The conversation stalls after that. Kageyama watches as the ending credits of the show scroll by, the images on the screen changing to a commercial about toothpaste. Pops open his second beer and chugs it. He glances at the clock on the wall. Its face reads 10:15. Its hands tick on, counting down to the inevitable.
Hinata's definitely waiting. He owes him an answer, at least.
"Hinata."
"Hm?"
Tobio's stomach is churning and he's already regretting opening his mouth. He has half a mind to swallow his words, but.
"I'm gay."
There's a pause. Suddenly, the buzz of the TV is brought to a close. Tobio's still looking straight ahead though, even if he can feel the amber gaze on him. His jaws tighten and he tries his best not to feel anything.
"Oh." Light shuffle of cloth. "Um, well it's totally fine to be. I mean, it's the 21st century and everyone should be able to love whom they want if it's consensual."
"You don't feel disgusted?"
"Oh my god, no! Why? Is that why you've been avoiding me lately?"
If only that were it. Kageyama sighs, feeling his lungs deflate with the rest of his mood.
This is it.
"You will be," Tobio says bitterly.
"I hope you don't think our friendship is so brittle that'll it would break from something like this. I mean, jeez Kageyama. Your face looks like you've just confessed to killing someone." Then, with wider eyes and a softer voice: "You didn't actually kill someone, did you?"
When he realizes that the brunet is not going to pick up on his joke, Hinata frowns.
"Ne, Kageyama." Scoots closer to the man so that their shoulders brush. The timber of his voice gentle, as if coaxing a child. "Won't you tell me what's actually wrong?"
Blue eyes widen. Even after all this, Hinata's still so kind. So observant. In this moment, in this hairbreadth of a second, he almost feels as if he is the center of Hinata's world. Almost. It hurts even more, because he knows it's not true. Tobio senses the telltale hotness prickling his eyes. Takes a deep breath.
"I love you." And then, as if waking up from a nightmare: "I'm going."
As he abruptly rips himself off the couch, Kageyama can almost picture himself at the doorway when there's a rough grip on his arm. He jolts his gaze back, panicked azure orbs locking with flashing amber. Tries to pull his arm away -
"What are you doing?" He strives his best to twist free but Hinata is not having it. "Where are you going?"
"Let me go."
"No." The force of the grip increases, and Tobio could almost feel the bruises awakening. His heart is beating crazily in his chest, rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins. Canines flashing. What has he done ?
" Let go."
"Not until you clarify a few things. What do you mean you love me?"
He tears his eyes away, trying to block out the flashes of panic in his chest and runs a hand through midnight locks in a flurry.
"Shit you're really a dumbass, aren't you? What else could that possibly mean?"
"W-wait. You have feelings for me?"
"...I'm not having this conversation." With a sharp tug, his arm is finally set free. Maybe the universe is playing games on him, because for some reason instead of rushing to the doorway Kageyama's runs into the bathroom. Locks the door.
"Tobio!" He freezes.
Never has Hinata called him by his given name before. This is the first time, but before he can even start basking in the moment he's already realizing this might be the last.
"Open the door."
"No," Tobio croaks. His own voice is starting to seem alien to him.
"Open the door, please."
Kageyama presses his palms on the flat of the door. Forehead resting on the wood. He can feel a suffocating heat rise from the depths of his skin, wrapping around the thin of his neck and down like a scarf. His breath is coming out all jagged. If he closes his eyes, he can almost feel the warmth and presence of Hinata from right outside. Takes a deep whiff of air into his lungs.
"Don't wana."
"So you have feelings for me."
Kageyama grimaces, sucking in his breath.
"Shut up."
"We should talk about this."
There's a string of mumbles spilling out from Tobio's lips.
"What was that?" asks Hinata.
"I said, I want to crawl in a hole and die."
"Don't be like that." Then, calmer: "Since... how long?"
A groan. Seconds fly by with not a peep. Hinata is starting to think he won't get an answer when his ears catch the hitch of a breath.
"First year of high school. Maybe earlier."
"...Wow."
"Yeah." Twirls his body so that the back of his head is pressed to the door now. "Can I go home now?"
"I-I'm sorry." It's so soft and sounds so frail that if Kageyama weren't straining his ears he would have just missed it. He tilts his head back towards the flap of wood behind him, eyes aimed at the cracks on the ceiling. Lids shutting, clenched tight.
He doesn't want an apology.
He doesn't, because once his ears pick up the tone of pity in those words, Kageyama knows it's over.
"I'm sorry that I didn't realize this sooner. I've made you hurt, haven't I Kageyama?"
For some reason or another, after the initial shock of his own confession, Tobio is feeling a lot calmer now. Serene. Weary acceptance is probably the culprit of this switch in sentiment.
Hinata's words are considerate with a touch of self blame.
"Listen. I don't know if I can return your feelings. I, I've never jerked off to a guy before, ya know? Actually, I'm not even sure how it works."
He is falling deeper and deeper into that hole and there is nothing he can do to crawl out of it -
"But I will try. I'll try my best. If you want to hold hands, I'll hold hands. If you want to k-kiss, give me a few seconds to prepare myself."
Kageyama knees give in and he falls down, down, back sliding against the flap of the door.
"So please, please, don't walk out of my life again."
A piercing quietude. Hinata stands staring at that thin slab of wood separating him from Kageyama. It's so ridiculous. With a few well positioned kicks and it'll go flying. Palms roll into fists.
Then: "You're so unfair."
Hinata smiles wryly.
"Sorry."
"You think I'll be satisfied with just a kiss? Don't be so full of yourself."
There's a still and pensive silence. Unspoken words with clear, clear meaning.
Hinata swears his heart isn't beating like a drum when the door finally swings open.
If Hinata Shouyou had to describe Kageyama Tobio in a nutshell, he'd use a string of three words: insecure, awkward, and self-deprecating. Which is a shame, because Kageyama can do anything. The confidence of his high school years seems to have evaporated with his youth.
They're walking side by side right now. Picking out gifts for christmas. It's nearly a week in advance, but that's okay. Tobio has no idea Hinata is using this time to pick out his birthday gift too.
As they venture through the crowded streets of the city, amber orbs catch the twitch of Kageyama's hands swinging from his side. The fingers curl and uncurl into each other. Almost like in a hesitant dance. Hinata smiles and grabs that hand with his own and squeezes.
Tobio doesn't say a word. But, and this is something Shouyou has started to enjoy seeing, his back straightens and the tips of his ears flush in full bloom.
Little things, Hinata muses. Small gestures of affection like this seem to throw Kageyama over the moon.
He is so used to not getting what he wants.
The bright smile on his lips slowly slides into a frown.
I want to fix that.
Hinata ignores the strange and inquisitive looks from the crowd as he tugs the other's hand around like a trophy. The streets are loud so he's spared from the hushed whispers. The quiet giggles. But he does feel a fire roar in the pit of his chest out of indignation for Kageyama, and Hinata's about to shout something, when he feels a gentle squeeze on his hand. Looks up at Kageyama. Sure enough, there's a small, knowing smile stretched on those lips.
Hinata senses the fury die down after that look. Like a cool stream is doused over his body. They continue their walk down the busy street lined with shops.
"Why didn't you let me say something before?"
They're headed towards a crowded intersection now. The smell of perfume from gift shops permeate the air.
"I'm happy." Blue eyes stare into chocolate orbs. "So all that, it's okay."
Hinata just nods to that. Sneaks a glance over at the other's smile. His lips.
Now, holding hands is easy. But kissing?
He can't say he hasn't thought of how their first kiss would be like. It'd be a lie to claim he's anticipating it, but Hinata istaking motions to prepare. He is confident he won't hate it - how can Hinata be so heartless to hate a display of affection from someone important to him? The only thing that's really bothering Hinata is how much he can reciprocate.
Well, that's if Kageyama would even initiate anything with him.
It's been a month since the taller man's confession and he's still too shy to even reach out to hold Hinata's hand. (Part of Hinata is wondering if it's because Kageyama still doesn't accept this as reality.)
What a shame. Kageyama deserves someone who would love him wholeheartedly. Sometimes, and Hinata would never speak of this out loud, but the redhead wonders if accepting the other's confession while not harboring any romantic feelings was the correct thing to do.
Hinata's selfish, that's for sure. He doesn't want to lose one of his closest friends. They've just gotten back in touch after so many years. And Haru absolutely adores him.
But can I chain him to me like this?
He suddenly stops in his tracks.
"Hinata?"
Kageyama pauses mid stride, before backpedaling. "Are you okay?"
Amber eyes tremble, lightning zipping through them in a flash. He senses that Kageyama will probably never take the first step; it's now or never -
"Kiss me."
"W-what?"
There's confusion in those blue eyes, panic spreading through the irises like a storm.
"I said kiss me."
"Hinata, we're in the streets-"
"Then take me somewhere quiet."
They must look ridiculous, Shouyou muses. Two grown men lugging several shopping bags full of gifts while running through the streets with their hands linked.
Pretty soon, they're on a train back to Tobio's apartment.
"Um, this isn't what it looks like." Kageyama's talking under his breath, the thick gray scarf failing to hide the tinge of pink on his cheeks. They're standing right outside his front door now. Sure enough, the metallic tag 'Kageyama" gleams in the rays of the sun. "I'm sorry."
"Why don't we go inside?" asks Hinata. He's strong and a man, but even he's getting a bit weary from dragging so many bags throughout the day.
They take their shoes off by the doorway, lining them neat and straight. Kageyama lends Hinata a pair of indoor slippers. They make a beeline to the living room.
"Would you like something to drink?"
"Anything is fine."
Kageyama nods, disappearing into the kitchen.
It's the first time Hinata's stepped foot into Tobio's apartment. The walls are a muted beige and mostly clear. The furniture are all the bare necessities, few and far in between. It makes the room feel large and spacious, when it is really just an average-sized japanese room.
As Kageyama enters the living room with a tray full of their drinks, Hinata feels the rhythm of his heart-rate quicken. Licks his lips.
He is really going to kiss him. He is going to kiss a man. And not just any man. Kageyama.
"I put some honey in the tea. It should be good for the throat since it's winter." There's the clink of glass settling on the glass coffee table. Kageyama sits down on the floor. Glances at Hinata's stiff form adjacent from him.
"Relax." A sigh escapes from his lips. "I'm not going to jump you."
"You've got it all wrong," mutters Hinata. He edges a bit closer. Tries not to notice how the other scooches farther away.
"Hinata?"
"Hey can you close your eyes for a second?" A look of confusion flashes through Tobio's face before flickering into nothing. He closes his eyes. His lashes splay out like a fan.
Hinata takes this opportunity to study the other man's face. There's a dip between his brow, as if holding up the weight of the world. A sharp, defined jawline. High nose. It's not an unattractive face, almost pretty, and Hinata somehow can't tear his gaze away. He does, finally though, and clears his throat.
Kageyama's cheeks look soft to the touch. Hinata suddenly experiences a surge of courage; he brings one hand forward to cup the other's cheek. As soon as his palm makes contact, he can see Kageyama's whole body shiver. Little specks of pink freckle all over the round flesh.
Before he knows it, Hinata is leaning in and their lips brush.
He pulls away slightly then presses forward with more force. When he pulls away for good, Hinata realizes the other's face is highly reminiscent of a tomato.
"Did you like it that much?"
"Shut up." Kageyama buries his face in his hands.
When Hinata finally heads home, after picking Haru up from the sitter, he drops his house keys before unlocking the front door.
"Papa eat something spicy?"
He looks down at Haru. Looks back at his reflection on the door's glass panels.
His face is lit ablaze.