Chapter 2 – I Trust You September 2005
My summer wore on without too much excitement. Brittany and I were able to hang out a lot, but always at her house. I trust her, I really do but I want to protect my brother and I fear how people may react when they met him. I don't want to hide him I just want to keep him safe and sheltered from the cruelty of the world. I know Brittany is not cruel, she is amazing. I just need to ease into being comfortable with letting her in all the way. We all keep secrets from people, but I do want to let her in.
Brittany and I are going shopping for back to school clothes and supplies today. I'm very excited to go shopping it is one of my favorite things to do. Brittany's mom offered to drive us around. My dad gave me a credit card this morning to use on the shopping trip. My parents signed me onto their account shortly after my brother was diagnosed so that I would always have access to money in case they had to rush out of town or something. My parents always tried to schedule appointments that are out of town in advance so they can make arrangements with where I will stay, but they also know that they need to plan for any and all emergency situations.
We're going shopping around noon today, I would have slept in this morning but my little brother was sick and my mom needed me to get up early and help her with him. She needed to give him a bath and wash his bedding. Once she had him in the bathtub she asked me to sit with him and make sure he didn't roll over in the water while she put his bedding in the washer. He loves his baths. I love just watching him get excited over such a simple thing. He is not able to sit up in the bath tub, so he lies down in the bathtub and splashes his arms in the water. Last Christmas I bought him this really neat package of bath toys. He likes playing with them. There's a duck, a frog, and a fish. I squeeze the frog under the water and the frog fills with water. Then I raise the frog out of the water and squeeze it shooting a stream of water at my brother's belly. He laughs hard as the water forcefully bounces off of his stomach. His muscles tighten. I can see each of his ribs and the outline of each of his stomach muscles. He is very small and thin. No matter what my parents do he doesn't gain weight.
The doctors are concerned about his low weight and are proposing a few different options to my parents for them to consider. It's hard to watch them battle with these decisions but there's nothing I can do to alleviate their stress. I guess this is why I try hard to never disappoint them. I do my best and try to be everything they want me to be; they deserve to have a child that does not cause them stress.
I hear my mom's feet padding down the hallway towards the bathroom. She walks in and gives my brother and me a gentle smile. She walks out of the bathroom and I can hear her open the linen closet in the hallway. I assume she's grabbing fresh sheets and blankets for my brother's bed. A few minutes later my mom walks back into the bathroom with a huge fluffy towel. It's perfect timing because my brother is starting to look like a wrinkled prune and the bath water is getting a little too cool. I take the towel from my mom and hold it open while she lifts my brother from the bathtub. She places him between my arms and I hold him up while she wraps the towel around him. Then she takes him from my arms and carries him to his room.
"Do you need anything else mom?"
"Will you just grab a diaper and pick out something nice for your brother to wear, please."
I like picking out clothes for my brother to wear. While my outfit choices might be boring compared to what Brittany would pick out, I still enjoy getting clothes for him; I feel like it gives me this opportunity to help my brother look cool. I know it sounds odd, but he has this amazing personality and attitude about him, he deserves to look just as amazing. I take the diaper and outfit over to my mom and watch as she dresses him. I stand by just in case she needs help, sometimes it can be difficult to get his arms into his shirts, of course I chose a button down so that does make it a bit easier.
"Thanks for your help sweetie. Do you have everything ready to go shopping today? Did dad give you the credit card? Do you know how long you will be out for today; will you be home for dinner?"
My mom always asks a million questions all at once. I honestly don't know how long Brittany and I will be out shopping, as long as it takes I suppose. I also don't know if I will be home for dinner I assume I will be because Brittany and I haven't discussed getting dinner when we talked on the phone last night.
"No problem Mom. I am ready to go but Brittany and her mom won't be here to pick me up until noon. Dad gave me the credit card before he left for work this morning. To be honest I don't know how long we will be out today but I will text you and let you know, same goes for dinner."
"Okay, just let me know. Dad and I were thinking about just getting take out tonight so I just need to know if I need to order food for you and what you'll want."
I nod at my mom and leave my brother's room. She is distracted feeding him his medicine; we have to disguise his medicine in pudding to get him to take it. It's quite the task. Certain pills have to be split in half because he only gets half a dosage in the morning and half at night. Then those pills have to be crushed. Other medications are capsules that have to be opened and dumped into the pudding. Some of the medicines in the capsules have to be further crushed and others cannot be crushed because they are a time release medication. It is a complicated process, I hate when my parents both have to work in the morning and I have to give my brother his medicine because my abuela can't remember the process. I always worry I'm doing something wrong or that I'm going to overdose my brother or not give him enough and then he will have a seizure or something. Of course I check the medication bottles numerous times just to make sure that I have the proper dosage of each.
I spend the rest of the morning cleaning my room and separating my laundry, I even complete a few loads of laundry. My mom use to do my laundry but with everything else she has to take care of I have started doing my own laundry. I finish vacuuming my bedroom and notice that it is eleven fifty. I go to my bathroom and freshen up. I don't want to go to the mall smelling like cleaner and carpet fresh. As I am drying my hands I hear my doorbell ring, I know it is Brittany. I grab my purse from my desk and rush to the front door.
When I open my front door I see Brittany displaying a giant smile and wearing this adorable sun dress. She is always in such a fantastic mood. As soon as I see her I can feel my spirits lift and the stress of my morning melt away. I know my mom's stress is a hundred times worse than mine but still when my brother gets ill I can't help but feel stressed by the situation.
Brittany opens her mom's car door for me; I climb in and instinctively slide across the back seat. My subconscious cue that I want Brittany to sit next to me works; Brittany slides in right next to me. I laugh at the thought of Brittany's mom driving us around like a chauffeur. Her mom is just as sweet as Brittany, I don't know how this family manages to be crazy optimistic but I love it. Brittany fastens her seat belt and links her pinkie with mine. Our pinkies are always linked when we are together, ever since we created the gesture at cheer camp. We have never discussed each other's motivation for linking pinkies but words are not needed. It just feels right to have her pinkie tightly clasped with mine.
As we pull out of my driveway Brittany leans into the front seat, smiles at her mom, and cranks up the car stereo. We sing and dance as her mom drives through the town. The windows are rolled down, the sun roof is open, and even Brittany's mom is humming along with us and occasionally dancing. They are very much alike; they both have long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, fair skin, and long legs. Looks are not their only similarities; Brittany is like a mirror image of her mother, but somehow uniquely special. There is this mystical characteristic about her that I can't explain.
Fifteen minutes later we are pulling into the mall parking lot. I never asked my parents if I had a budget to stick to today, so I send my mom a quick text asking her how much I'm limited to spending. By the time we reach a parking spot my phone vibrates in my pocket. I remove my phone and read my mom's text. She tells me to just get whatever I feel I need and not to worry about money, but not to buy any, what she calls, big ticket items. A big ticket item is anything that costs over a hundred dollars. I can't think of a single item I'll want to buy that will be over a hundred dollars, maybe shoes.
Brittany excitedly skips through the parking lot dragging me with her. I would skip along but people are starring at us and I really don't like the odd looks they are giving me. I like attention, I like people noticing me, but I want them to notice me for certain things and this situation is not one of those things. I let my pinkie slip from Brittany's and slow down my pace to a walk. Brittany stops in her tracks and turns to face me. Her expression drips of hurt. I feel awful for causing her to hurt.
"What's wrong S? Why did you let go?"
"It's nothing B, I just want to walk."
I can't tell Brittany that I don't like the way she was excitedly skipping towards the mall, because I do, I adore her excitement. I just don't want people scrutinizing me. So I lie to her, for the first time in our friendship, I have now lied to my best friend. My heart aches with my lie but I know it is better than hurting her feelings with the truth. I trust that I can tell her the truth and she'll understand but I don't want to risk her changing who she is for me. She is perfect the way she is and shouldn't change for anyone.
Thankfully, Brittany believes my lie; she stops skipping and slows her pace re-linking her pinkie with mine. We walk into the mall and stop at the mall directory. I know what stores are in the mall and where all the stores are located but I have no idea where Brittany will want to go.
"So Britt, where to first?"
Brittany takes a moment and methodically scans the directory. She runs her finger up and down the lists of stores and food places. Her finger stops on the board as a giant smile spreads across her face. I look to where she is pointing, she is precious. I tighten my grip around her pinkie and pull her in the direction of the pretzel counter. I'm glad she chose food first because I didn't eat lunch before leaving my house and I'm starving. Brittany's mom orders us each a pretzel with nacho cheese sauce for dipping and fresh squeezed lemonade while Brittany and I find a table. We sit in the food court and enjoy our lunch.
"Okay Britt, now where do you wanna go?"
"I don't care S, wherever you want to go?"
I look to Brittany's mom to see if there is anywhere she wants to go, she offers me a quick shoulder shrug. It appears that Peirce clan is indifferent when it comes to choosing where to shop. I, however, have a list of stores I want to go to, which also contains an accompanying list that details what items I want from each store. When we finish our pretzels I throw away our garbage and then link my pinkie with Brittany's pulling in her the direction of the first store.
Four hours later Brittany and I have successfully finished our back to school clothes shopping but we still had to buy school supplies. There really isn't a store in the mall for school supplies. I did have to send my mom a picture message while shopping to get approval to buy a pair of shoes and a pair of jeans, each of them cost more than a hundred dollars so I wanted to make sure she was okay with me buying them. Both times she gave the sweetest response; she just said they look great sweetie of course you can get them. As we walk to the car I send my mom a message telling her that we had just finished clothes shopping and we're going to get supplies now. She sent a text back asking if I'm going to be home for dinner. It is already past four thirty; my dad will be getting home soon and will be hungry.
I don't want to invite myself over to Brittany's for dinner or anything or make her mom feel responsible for feeding me but I need to know if I should tell my mom to get me something for dinner or not. Brittany's mom is walking a few feet behind us so I figure I can just ask Brittany without her mom overhearing us.
"Hey Britt, what are your plans this evening?"
"Well, I'm hoping you can stay the night, I haven't asked my mom yet, I wanted to know if you wanted to before I asked her. We haven't really had a sleepover since cheer camp and that wasn't really a sleep over."
"I'll have to ask my mom to make sure it is okay with her but I really do want to!"
Right before Brittany and I reach the car, the car's trunk pops open. As we place our bags into the trunk, Brittany's mom comes up behind us and places the bags in her hands into the trunk.
"Well ladies, it looks like we did a lot of damage today! Britt-bee, your father would be shocked if he saw this trunk."
"Mom?"
"Yes sweetie"
"I'm wondering if it would be okay if Santana stays the night?"
Brittany looks up at her mom with these huge puppy dog eyes and pouts her lip. I take it she uses this technique to get her way, it always works for me. When Brittany's mom's eyes shift to me I give her my best puppy eye, pouty lip combination I can muster. She laughs at us.
"Oh, you two! You're too perfect for each other. You'll be the death of me, but of course it is okay for Santana to stay the night so long as her parents are okay with it. I take it that this idea was recently hatched since Santana did not come with overnight stuff."
We nod our heads in response to her question. I think Brittany has been planning this sleepover in her heard since we made arrangements to go shopping but today is the first time she shared this idea with me. Brittany's mom smiles at us.
"Well Santana we will take you home first so you can drop off your massive amount of bags and for you to pick up what you need for tonight. Then we can grab a couple of pizzas and maybe grab some movies for tonight? How about we go buy your back to school supplies in the morning, I'm worn out after being in the mall for so long."
We nod our head in agreement to the plan. I call my mom rather than text her so I can give her the pouty pretty please voice while I ask for her permission. Begging through text messaging really doesn't work. My phone call with my mom lasts less than a minute. She told me it would be fine for me to stay the night and there is no need for me to use my "mommy please" voice, as she calls it. I tell her that I will come by to drop off my new school stuff and to pick up my overnight stuff. Brittany squeals when she hears me tell my mom that I'll be by to drop my stuff off, knowing that my mom had said yes to me staying the night.
Brittany and I climb into the back of her mom's car. Once our seatbelts are buckled our pinkies naturally find themselves linked. I look to Brittany and smile; this is our first official sleepover. Of course we had shared a room during cheer camp but that wasn't really a sleep over. Plus we were always exhausted at the end of the day and had to be up early the next morning so we never got to do the stay up late chit chat that typically accompanies sleepovers.
During the car ride to my house Brittany and I discuss what movies we want to rent and which ones we definitely do not want to see. In the end neither of us had a particular urgency to see any movie. I'm happy that Brittany doesn't really want to watch a movie because I really just want to spend the evening hanging out talking to my best friend. I like just hanging out with Brittany. She makes me laugh and smile the entire time we are together. When we pull into my driveway Brittany turns and faces me.
"S, do you want help carrying your bags inside?"
I can feel my stomach drop at her question. She is being kind and sweet and offering to help me but I'm not ready for her to see what my home life is like. I know that my parents will be sitting at the dinner table right now, and I know my little brother will be sitting in his wheelchair next to the table. I don't want to expose Brittany to my brother like this; I want to explain things to her first. I want to ease her into my brother's situation. I put my walls up, not to keep her out but to make sure she wants to get through them. I want her to want to know everything about me; I don't want to just reveal everything I am without her wanting to know.
"It's okay Britt, I can manage. I'll be back in like five minutes or so, you should keep your mom company."
Her smile falters a little, I know she wants to see what my house looks like, what my room looks like but I'm just not ready. I squeeze her hand as I step out of the car, which causes her smile to return to its naturally carefree state. I remove my bags from the trunk and jog to my front door.
"Santana sweetie, we're in the dining room come show us what you bought today!"
I don't want to keep Brittany and her mom waiting but I also don't want to be ungrateful to my parents. They did pay for everything I purchased today. I walk into the dining room and see my mom and dad sitting at the dining room table eating Chinese food, with my little brother sitting in between them smiling away.
"So is there anything left at the mall?"
My dad jokes with me as I walk into the dining room carrying more bags than I can really manage. I smile at him sheepishly; I really hope he's not worrying about how much I spent.
"Don't worry Dad, there is plenty left. I can go buy it all up if you'd like though."
"I'm good, thanks. So let's see what ya got."
I quickly pull out every item I had purchased today. There is a lot more than I remember buying. My parents smile and make kind comments as I show them my new jeans, shirts, shoes, and other miscellaneous items. Maybe I went a little overboard with how much stuff I bought but every time Brittany said she liked something on me I had to buy it. I hand my parents all of the receipts and wait to be dismissed.
"I don't see any school supplies."
"We kinda wore Brittany's mom out today so she said she would take us to get school supplies tomorrow."
"That's fine, just make sure you get everything on the list that the school sent over. Is there anything else that you need or want that is not on the list?"
"Well I would like a new backpack if that is okay."
"Of course it is okay. Try to keep the cost of all your supplies under two hundred, if possible, but get what you want. And make sure to keep a hold of the receipt. Now go get your stuff together and we will see you tomorrow. Be home by five, if anything comes up and you are going to be late just give us a call, okay?"
"Will do, thanks Dad. Love you!"
Before walking out of the dining room, I give my dad a hug and my mom a kiss on the cheek. It has already been ten minutes since I left Brittany and her mom. I send Brittany a quick text apologizing for taking so long and telling her that I will be out in just a minute. When I reach my room I grab my cheer bag and toss in some pajamas and clothes for tomorrow. I walk into my bathroom and grab everything I need to get ready in the morning and my toothbrush.
I yell goodbye to my parents as I walk out the front door. I sprint to the waiting car, I feel bad for taking so long. From a distance I can see Brittany laughing in the backseat, I love how she laughs. It is like this full body laugh. Every part of her body responds to her laugh; her head tosses back, her smile grows even larger, she claps her hands, as her body shakes. I can see her carefree nature in her laugh. I open the car door and slip in next to Brittany; quickly apologizing for taking so long. Brittany's mom waves off my apology and backs the car out of my drive way. I tell Brittany about having to show my parents everything I bought. She reads the frustration etched on my face, Brittany learned at cheep camp how obsessed I am with being timely.
"Well, at least they didn't make you do a fashion show and try everything on for them. That would be a lot of fun though; we should have a fashion show S."
Brittany is right; it could have been a lot worse. Her way of seeing the world is brilliant. She sees everything through a different colored lens then most people. There is always this sense of optimism laced through her perspective as well as humor. She adds humor to try a lighten situations, to catch people of guard, I'm pretty sure she just loves to make people stop and think about what she just said. I think it is how she keeps people focused on what she is saying. Often people are not really engaged in conversations; they just nod and agree without ever hearing what the other person has to say. Brittany is smart and realizes that people do this, so she intentionally makes humorous, and seemingly non-sense statements, to keep people focused on what she is saying. If Brittany ever throws a random statement out it is because she is trying to lighten the mood or she thinks you're no longer paying attention to her. I like that I know this about Brittany; I like knowing about her unique and insightful little quirks.
Moments later we are pulling into the video store parking lot. Brittany and I really don't want to watch a movie tonight so we go to the grocery store across the parking lot while Brittany's mom goes into the video store. Apparently she is really committed to the idea of watching a movie tonight. Brittany's mom tells us to meet her back at the car in fifteen minutes. Brittany and I walk into the grocery store and head straight to the junk food aisle.
A sleepover isn't a sleepover without ample amounts of junk food. We carefully scan the aisle trying to decide what to choose. Simultaneously Brittany and I start reaching for different items quickly filling up our small shopping basket. We leave the junk food aisle and head over to the soda aisle. We grab a couple of two liters and walk to the checkout counter. I watch as the cashier scans our items; popcorn, Oreos, Twizzlers, Doritos nacho cheese, gummy bears, M&M's, 7-Up, and Pepsi. I reach for my wallet when the cashier tells us our total, Brittany is too fast for me as she quickly hands the cashier a twenty.
"My sleepover, my treat!"
This is why Brittany is completely perfect. To her life is just what it is. She does not complicate things with details or worries; she just sees how it is and goes about life understanding the situation as it is. I wish I could be like her in this way. I always over analyze things; I worry constantly. I'm afraid of people judging me for one thing or another. I'm afraid of people ridiculing my brother; I want to be like Brittany.
I grab the two bags full of our goodies as we leave the checkout counter. I carry both bags in my right hand and link my left pinkie with Brittany's as we walk towards her mom's car. Her mom has the best timing I have ever witnessed, as soon as we reach the car the trunk pops open and I hear the doors unlock. I look around and see that Brittany's mom is standing in the checkout line at the video store and is gesturing to us "just one minute." I place our bags of goodies into the trunk and the climb into the backseat with Brittany sliding in next to me.
While we wait for Brittany's mom, Brittany takes my hands in hers and has me lay my palms flat against her. Immediately I understand that she wants to play the speed slap game. I feel her tickle my palm with her index finger but I refuse to flinch, if I flinch my turn keeps going I have to make her miss when she goes to slap to win this round. I look from my hands to her eyes; she is staring intently at me. The blue of her eyes completely distract me as she pulls her hand from under mine and gently slaps the top of my right hand. I cannot believe how lost I am. I shake my head and hands trying to refocus on this round. This time I stare at her mouth. She has perfect lips. I watch as her face stays stone while she tickles my palms and then I notice the left side of her mouth tug up just a bit; I whip my hand from the top of her hand just in time to make her miss. Brittany has a pretty decent poker face but I found her tell, she can't help but start to smile when she thinks she's got you just where she wants you.
Brittany's mom opens the driver's side door and slides into the car. "Sorry about the wait girls, the video store was really busy, but I think I picked out some great movies!" She hands the bag of movies back to us. Brittany takes the bag and starts pulling movies out. Wedding Date, Monster-in-Law, and Sahara, apparently comedies are all that the Pierce family watches and Brittany's mom is in the mood for wedding movies. I'm guessing that Sahara is for Brittany's dad. I place the movies back in the bag and place the bag on the front passenger seat as we pull out of the parking lot and head towards Brittany's house.
As we pull into Brittany's driveway Brittany squeezes my pinkie finger with hers. Her squeeze shows me how excited she is about our sleepover. I have been to Brittany's house a few times over the summer but today feels different. I squeeze her pinkie back; I want her to know that I'm just excited as she is about our sleepover. I grab my cheer bag while Brittany grabs our bags of goodies and we walk into her house. She pulls me in the direction of her bedroom. It seems like as soon as we reach her bedroom her mom is calling us downstairs.
"Girls please come here."
Brittany shrugs and smiles at me gesturing at the door. We walk back downstairs and see her mom sitting on the couch with a phone in one hand and a phone book in the other.
"Where do you guys want pizza from and what toppings do you want?"
"I want pepperoni and black olives, Mom, geez you know what I like on my pizza. I don't care where you get it from as long as it's delicious."
Brittany is so matter of fact with her statements. She turns and smiles at me. I return her smile and then notice that her mom is staring at me as well smiling. Did I miss something, did they ask me a question.
"Santana, do you have any pizza preference, you're eating it as well so I want to make sure we get something you like and that you're not allergic to."
"Oh, sorry. I'm not allergic to any foods. What Britt said works fine for me, actually it sounds really good."
I feel foolish for having blanked out and not answering the question right away, but they don't mind. That's just how the Pierce family is; they are so laid back and considerate. Brittany's mom dismisses us and tells us that she call for us when the pizza arrives; I'm pretty sure the doorbell will cue us in to that though. We turn from the family room and head back upstairs. As I walk behind Brittany I cannot help but notice how her body sways to its own rhythm as she walks. It's like she can her music playing as she walks.
Brittany and I sit on her bedroom floor and give each other pedicures and manicures. We want to look our best when school starts on Monday. I can't help but feel nervous about the idea of school starting. In elementary school there wasn't this pressure to be popular, to be considered cool, all of that changes as soon as I walk through the middle school doors Monday morning. Middle school is all about being one of the popular girls. I have taken every step I can think of to ensure my popularity. I bought trendy clothes, I'm one of the captains of the cheer squad, and I have a perfect best friend that everyone will adore and who I will protect.
I know people will like Brittany; she's too incredible to not like. But I also know that people may make fun of her because she has this uncommon sense of humor. When things are awkward or silent Brittany chimes in and tries to alleviate the tension by making a joke; a joke that usually makes her look dumb. She's not dumb though, she is brilliant. She can make uncomfortable situations completely comfortable. Her perceptive skills are astounding. I just want her to be happy, I want Brittany to be popular and I want her unique personality to be loved. I will do everything I can to protect her from people looking to tear her down. When I look up I notice Brittany staring at me smiling. I know she knows I have been over analyzing things. She has come to know me so well in the short amount of time we have known each other. I shake my head at her and smile, telling her with my gestures that it was nothing. Brittany leaps to her feet when the doorbell rings.
"Come on slow poke let's go get some pizza!"
She grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet. Thankfully I have just finished tightening the lid on the hot pink nail polish I have in my hand. The nail polish bottle falls to the floor as Brittany pulls me to my feet and out of the room. We reach the bottom of the stairs just as Brittany's mom rounds the corner to yell up at us. She jumps back from us startled by our sudden appearance I'm sure. The smell of pizza is wafting through the house; my stomach growls as the scent invades my sense of smell.
"Someone's hungry."
Brittany giggles as she tickles my belly. I can't help but laugh. I slap her hand away and smile sheepishly. She giggles again and leads me into the kitchen. There are three boxes of pizza on the kitchen counter as well as a box of breadsticks. Brittany grabs us each a paper plate and then starts placing pizza and breadsticks on her plate. I follow her lead and grab some pizza and a breadstick. We sit down at the dining room table. Brittany's parents and little sister follow us and sit down. Brittany's little sister is the most adorable three-year old I've ever seen. She has blonde hair, just like the rest of the Pierce family, but her hair has little ringlets at the ends. She looks like a porcelain baby doll.
I wonder if my little brother would look different, if he would look more like me and the rest of my family if it wasn't for his illness. I wonder how his life would be different if he wasn't sick. I bet he would play sports and he would do really well in school. My mom thinks that he and I have similar personality traits, mainly being stubborn, so I bet we would have other similarities. I wish he was healthy so we could play together. So he could go on morning runs with me. I wonder if my mom would let me put him in his wheelchair and take him with me when I go for a run. I bet he would like it.
I look around at the Pierce family. They are laughing and making jokes. Enjoying their pizza and wearing smiles. They are so carefree and happy. Their faces don't reflect lack of sleep or endless worries. I'm sure they have stresses in their lives but their faces don't reveal their secrets. I like being at the Pierce house, I like the feeling of being surrounded by such happiness. I like the light hearted atmosphere that surrounds the family.
"So are you girls excited for school to start on Monday?"
"Oh my gosh Dad, I can't wait for it. Santana and I are going to get matching backpacks tomorrow. Maybe some of our other supplies can match as well. I dunno. But it is going to be so much fun. When mom took us to register last week the school let us pick lockers right next to each other. And they are top lockers, sixth graders usually never get top lockers, but since we are cheerleaders they let us. I guess the cheer coach likes to have all of the cheerleaders' lockers right by her office and since we are captains we get top lockers!"
I'm not even sure if Brittany had taken a breath during that spill to her dad. Apparently she commonly responds to his questions with such enthusiasm because he didn't even blink at her speedy delivery and lack of breathes during it. He turns slightly in his seat and looks in my direction.
"I'm really excited too. This year will introduce us to how classes will be organized in high school. Plus we will start cheerleading on a daily basis instead of a couple of practices a week. And we will actually get to cheer at games and stuff so that will be a lot of fun. I think the best thing about school starting is that I will get to see Brittany every day."
Brittany squealed at my last comment. I blush at her response. Maybe I shouldn't have said that my biggest highlight of school starting is getting to see Brittany every day, but it is the truth. There are a lot of other perks to school starting but Brittany is definitely the biggest. Brittany's parents give each other this knowing smile. I wonder what they are thinking. It is almost like they have this opinion about Brittany and I, it's not a bad opinion just a shared one. I really want to know what their opinion is.
We finish our pizza and head back upstairs. As we walk into Brittany's room she turns and grabs my hand.
"S, do you really mean what you said to my dad?"
"About what Britt?"
"About getting to see me every day is what you are most looking forward to with school starting."
"Of course I meant it Britt, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."
Brittany pulls me into a tight hug. I really did mean what I said. I am not the type of person to open up about my feelings so if I ever tell someone how I feel than what I am telling them is definitely how I feel. I hug her back and allow the hug to linger. The hug melts my stress and worries away, I feel loved. It's incredible how much I feel loved by someone who I have only known for a few months.
I can hear my alarm clock beeping awakening me from my dream. School has been in session for three weeks now. Cheerleading is a lot more work than I thought it was going to be. We have practice every week day at six a.m. I reach over and tap my snooze button; I just need fifteen more minutes of sleep. Waking up at five a.m. is really a challenge for me, I value my sleep. I doze off and think about my plans for the coming weekend. Brittany's birthday is this week and she's having a sleepover. She invited a lot of people over for her birthday party, but I'm the only one who's staying the night. We haven't had a sleepover since the weekend before school started; I'm glad our parents agreed to let us have one for Brittany's birthday. Brittany's mom told her she can have more of her girl friends at the sleepover if she wants, but Brittany insists that I'm the only one she wants to have stay over. I'm glad it will be just Brittany and I, it'll be bad enough putting up with everyone all day at the birthday party.
I really need some time with just my best friend; we get to see each other all the time with school and cheerleading but there are always a lot of other people around. Ever since school started we have spent more time with Quinn. It really is amusing because even though we are sixth graders meaning we should be on the bottom of the food chain, we're not. Brittany, Quinn, and I rule the school already, even the seventh and eighth grade cheerleaders hold us in high regard. Our trinity, as Coach Sylvester calls us, is quiet the powerful force at our middle school. But I'm tired of there always being the three of us; I just need some Brittany time.
My alarm starts to incessantly beep again; I roll over and turn it off. I slowly kick my covers to the side and lower my feet to the floor. I can feel my body stretch reluctantly as I stand from my bed. All I want to do is to just lie back down and sleep for another two hours. Thankfully it is already Wednesday and we don't have cheerleading practice Friday morning because we have a football game that evening to cheer at; the best part about game days is getting to sleep in. After the game the squad is going to a movie together and then I have Brittany's birthday on Saturday, so at least things are looking up this week.
Thirty-five minutes later I am dressed and ready for school. As I finish my breakfast I hear my mom walking down the hallway towards me pushing my brother in his wheelchair. He smiles at me when he sees me. His bus comes early to pick him up for school since the handicap accessible bus always takes a little longer to pick up students. It's nice to see him smile; it's comforting to know he's feeling well.
"Can you get your brother on his bus while I get changed so I can take you to school?"
My mom looks tired today. She's always stressing and worrying about something. She gives so much of herself and never asks for anything in return. I nod at her and stand from the dining room table. She offers me a grateful smile as she turns from the room and walks upstairs. I push my brother's wheelchair outside; it is a cool September morning. The breeze is refreshing yet chilling. I zip up my brother's jacket and place a soft kiss on his cheek. His bus pulls into our circular driveway and the plump assistant steps from the bus.
"Good morning Santana. How's school going?"
She is such a sweet lady. I think you'd have to be a really sweet person to work with special needs children. While it's very rewarding to work with special needs children it's also very demanding, but she always has a smile on her face. She has been the assistant on my brother's bus since he started attending school. For his first few weeks of school the bus driver let me ride with him on the bus to school so he wouldn't be scared, but when the school district found out they told us that I had to ride the bus assigned to my neighborhood and not my brother's bus. Apparently there was some liability issue.
"Morning Claire. School's going well. How is the school year going for you so far?"
"Just fine, thanks for asking."
The ramp lowers to the ground from the bus and I roll my brother's wheelchair onto it. I lock the right tire's brake while Claire locks the left tire's brake and buckles the safety strap. I watch as Claire raises the ramp up to the bus and the other assistant comes and unlocks the brakes and wheels my brother to his designated place on the bus. I give Claire a kind smile and turn to walk back inside. I wonder what school is like in the mind of my brother. I wonder if he understands the process. I wonder why he is even required to attend school, it's not like it will ever make a difference; he won't mentally benefit from school. I guess it gives my mom a break and him as well. It gives him the opportunity to escape his bedroom and experience some aspect of a normal life. I'm thankful he is well enough to attend school; I dread the day when he gets too sick to attend school; when he is too weak to leave his room.
I walk back into the house and wait for my mother to come downstairs. Cheerleading practice starts in twenty minutes but it only takes ten minutes to drive through the town this early in the morning.
The week goes by rather quickly. At the game on Friday night we had the crowd on their feet cheering along with us. Our coach couldn't stop praising us about how fantastic our routine was, how the music was perfect, and our moves in sync. Quinn, Brittany, and I work well together. Our squad functions well and draws more attention at games than the other squads. I can't help but feel proud about making cheerleading my passion and part of my identity. I part the crowds in the school like Moses parting the Red Sea; shit did I just pull a Coach Sylvester style analogy? Oh well, perhaps when something puts you on the top you can't help but feel divine.
Brittany's birthday party starts in two hours but she asked me to come over a little early to help her decorate. She knows how anal retentive I can be about particular details. Sure I can let my room get messy but when I clean it everything has to be in its perfect place. My abuela is giving me a ride to the party, and my dad said he will pick me up tomorrow morning on his way home from work. Working the graveyard shifts at the hospital are always the worst. One month out of the year my dad works as the emergency room surgical consult and he always gets stuck with the graveyard shifts. It makes things difficult at home because he sleeps during the day and rarely gets to spend time with us. This causes my mom to have to care for my brother entirely on her own, she looks so raged lately. I guess that's why abuela offered to take me to the party. Hopefully, my mom can get a nap in today.
"Sannie, are you ready to go sweetie?"
"Yeah, abuela, let me grab my bag."
The ride to Brittany's house is relatively quiet. My abuela asks how school is going, she asks about cheerleading, and then she asks if I have a boyfriend. I haven't really given much time to considering a boyfriend. I know there are guys that are interested in me but I have to be very careful about dating anyone. I mean I'm only in the sixth grade, do people even date that young. I simply tell my abuela that I don't have a boyfriend but that I did kiss this boy Marcus at the end of last school year. She gives me an odd smile and remains silent for the rest of the drive. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about kissing Marcus, is she disappointed in me, will she tell my dad? Fear washes over me as I worry that I may have disappointed one of the most important people in my life. When we arrive at Brittany's house my abuela turns in her seat and looks at me.
"Sannie, you need to make sure you are careful about how close you are with your girl friends, you don't want the boys at your school or other people to get the wrong impression about you, okay?"
"Abuela, I'm always careful when it comes to the impressions I make on people."
She nods at me and says goodbye. I open her car door and then grab my cheer bag from the back seat. I wave at her as she drives away. I really don't understand what she meant by that comment. What kind of impression are people going to start making about me because I have close girl friends, or rather one close girl friend. I shake the comment and resulting thoughts from my mind; today is about Brittany and I don't want what my abuela said to ruin this day.
Before I reach the door Brittany has swung it open and is running towards me. I can't help but let a huge smile to spread across my face. Brittany leaps into me and gives me a hug. I hug her back and as we hug I can't help but take a deep breath. Her scent invades my senses and I feel my heart flutter. Brittany is my best friend and she makes me happier than anyone else in this world.
Brittany links her pinkie with mine and pulls me towards the house. When we get inside I immediately walk up to her bedroom and place my cheer bag on the right side of her bed, I always sleep on the right side of the bed. It works perfectly for Brittany and me because she likes to sleep on the left side of the bed. I unzip my bag and pull the small wrapped present from my bag and slip it under my pillow, this present is just from Brittany to see and open, I don't want her to open it in front of anyone but me. Then I pull the second gift from my bag and head back downstairs.
I place my gift on the dining room table which has been designated as the gift table. Also on the table is Brittany's birthday cake. Her mom had the cake decorated with a cheerleading theme. I think Brittany's mom loves the idea of Brittany being a cheerleader more than Brittany; it's adorable how much Brittany's mom loves cheerleading. She has come to every game we have cheered at this season and has cheered us on; it's kinda weird for cheerleaders to have someone in the crowd cheering for them, but I like it.
Brittany and I spend the next hour and a half or so decorating the living room and dining room. We hang rainbow stringers everywhere. There are multicolored balloons tied to the backs of the dining table chairs and randomly dispersed in the living room. I try to keep things symmetrical but Brittany wants things to look different.
"What's the fun if everything looks the same S?"
"Sorry Britt, I can't help the impulse sometimes."
"Don't worry S, I'll get you to relax later."
Brittany bounces on the back of her heels and turns around after giving me this devilish smirk. Minutes later the doorbell rings out, the first of Brittany's guests has arrived. For the next little while everyone causally chats while people continue to arrive. After the last of the invited guests have arrived Brittany has everyone gather in the living room. We play a few party games and eat pizza. Pizza always seems to be a staple food of birthday parties and I'm pretty sure the Pierce phone has a few of the local pizza places on speed dial. Once we finish the pizza and stop playing the games we gather in the dining room and sing happy birthday to Brittany as she blows the candles out on her birthday cake.
After cake and ice cream and the opening of all of the presents people start to leave. Eventually just the girls on the sixth grade cheer squad remain. Brittany wanted them to feel special so she had invited them to stay a little longer than the rest. Brittany's parents leave us in the living room and start cleaning up the mess from today. Suddenly the casual conversations we are having takes an unexpected turn.
"Let's play truth or dare!" Quinn whispers to the group, I suppose she whispers because she doesn't want Brittany's parents to hear her.
All the girls excitedly agree to this idiotic idea. I'm not much of a fan of these types of games. People just use these games to get other people to do what they want them to do; I really don't want to play. But when Brittany looks up at me with those big blue eyes, pleading me to play, I can't tell her no. I sit next to Brittany in the circle of girls. The dares are foolish and ridiculous, thankfully nothing is too embarrassing. The game has been going for about ten minutes and it is Brittany's turn again, she has already had two turns and each time she had picked dare.
"Truth"
"Have you ever kissed a boy?" Quinn asks Brittany with a knowing smirk on her face.
"No. I've never been kissed." Brittany blushes as she responds to the question.
Everyone starts laughing at Brittany and telling her how she has to be kissed or she can't be popular; that you're only popular if you're desired. I hate how mean they're being to her.
"Whatever, this game is so stupid! Let's just watch a movie or something." I deflect the attention away from Brittany.
The girls gawk at me as I stand from the circle and put a movie in. I intentionally pick something ridiculous because I know the other girls won't want to watch it so they will all just go home instead, they don't deserve to be here after treating Brittany this way. My plan works and within twenty minutes Brittany and I are the only ones that remain. We take down the streamers that are strewn across the living room and return all of the decorative pillows to their proper locations. Once the living room is clean I help Brittany carry all of her presents up to her room. She received a lot of CDs, some clothes, a few cheer themed hair ties, and a journal. I gave her the journal. I had her name embossed on the cover of the journal. For me writing down my thoughts and worries have always helped me alleviate my stress, Brittany doesn't seem stressed but I'm sure she would like something to write her feelings down in.
When we reach Brittany's room and empty our arms of all of the presents Brittany and I get ready for bed. I know we won't be going to sleep anytime soon but I also know that we will likely fall asleep in the middle of our conversation so it is best to get ready for bed early. I watch Brittany in the mirror as we brush our teeth; she's upset. It's very rare that Brittany lets someone get to her.
"Britt-Britt, what's wrong?"
I put down my toothbrush, wipe my mouth, and turn to face my best friend. She puts down her toothbrush as tears fill her eyes. Her tears cause her eyes to turn this deep blue color, the color of a lake at its deepest points. My heart sinks as I see the tears streak down my best friend's face. I reach out and grab a hold of her and pull her into me. I stand there hugging her as she cries into my shoulder.
"I just want them to like me, I want to know that I have friends and I don't understand why kissing is so important. I don't like any of the boys at school and certainly not enough to kiss. Really I only like one person enough to kiss."
Brittany slaps her hand to mouth after she says this. I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to say that last comment out loud. I have a pretty good idea that I'm the only person she likes enough to kiss. I understand what she means; we are best friends and have had an instant connection. We are very close to each other, why wouldn't she want to experience her first kiss with someone she felt so close to. I only wish I had saved my first kiss for someone I actually liked; that I had not given into the pressures of wanting to be popular.
I reach up and pull Brittany's hand from her mouth. I'm glad she shared so openly with me and I want her to know that she is safe to share her thoughts with me. We are best friends, we need to support each other and help each other. I keep a hold of Brittany's wrist and pull her closer to me. Before I completely understand what I am about to do, I'm doing it.
I take my other hand and brace it on the back of Brittany's neck and pull her face towards me. I gently press our lips together. Her lips are soft and silky. Our lips mold perfectly together and slide against each other effortlessly. I feel my heart begin to race and my stomach turn. Kissing Marcus didn't feel like this, nothing in my life had ever felt like this. I can feel goose bumps spreading up and down my arms. Suddenly what my abulea had told me flashes through my mind and I pull away from Brittany. I smile at her and walk out of the bathroom and back into her bedroom. I need space from her if just for a few seconds.
I realize now what my abuela had meant when she told me to be careful with how close I am with my girl friends because I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I definitely don't want people to think that Brittany is anything more than my best friend. We're only best friends that's it; no matter how my heart or stomach responds, Brittany and I will always only be best friends.
Brittany walks into her bedroom a few minutes later. I'm sure she delayed returning to her room; knowing that I probably needed a few minutes of alone time. She knows me all too well. I smile at her when she walks into the room. I really don't want to talk about what just happened so I reach under my pillow and hand her the small gift I had hidden there.
"This is something I wanted to give you but it's just for you I didn't want the others to see me give it to you."
Brittany gives me this curious look and slowly begins to open the small package. She removes the lid from the box and lifts the small charm bracelet. There is only a single charm on the bracelet, a heart. On the heart is engraved the letter B. Brittany has such a special heart; she is so kind and gentle. I felt like giving her a heart shaped charm is the perfect way of showing her that the thing I like most about her is her heart.
"S, this is beautiful! Thank you so much! Will you put it on me?"
I take the bracelet from Brittany's hand and unfasten it. She stretches out her left arm and I fasten the bracelet around her left wrist. She lifts up her wrist and examines how the charm dangles from her wrist. I can't help but smile at how transfixed she is on the single dangling charm. Brittany gives me a soft hug, I feel the butterflies start to stir and quickly pull from the hug. I grab Brittany's hand and pull her towards her bed. I have her sit down next to me. I have to stop the affection between us because it is confusing my mind. I say the only thing I can think of.
"Brittany there's something I want to tell you."
I trust Brittany, I really do. I trust her more than I have ever trusted another person in my entire life. I know that I can tell Brittany anything and she won't judge me or think differently of me. I know that if I tell her about my brother she will be kind, supportive, and loving. I take a deep breath and look into her deep blue eyes. I'm so guarded that it is difficult to begin, it is so hard to let my walls down, to let someone in.
"Santana, what's wrong? You know you can tell me anything! You're my best friend."
Tears burn for escape; my hands are shaking with nervousness. I've never told any of my friends about my brother, but then again none of my friends have ever been like Brittany. I wipe at the tears lingering in my eyes and begin to tell Brittany everything. She sits quietly and never interrupts as I begin to tell her everything there is to know about my little brother.
I tell her that he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy shortly after he was born. That he underwent his first surgery when he was only two months old. That for the first year or so of his life he had to wear this harness brace thing to help position his hips. That he is now seven years old and cannot walk, or talk, or feed himself and only weighs about thirty-five pounds. I tell her how he tries to communicate with us, how he has special noises that mean different things. How he has learned some sign language; he knows how to sign food, drink, and more. I tell her about how he is always getting sick and how I am terrified of losing him. My body begins to shake as I sob. Saying all of this out loud is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. But in the same light I feel this sense of relief, of calm. Brittany pulls my head into her chest as I cry, she cradles me and I feel so comforted. I know I have made the right decision to tell her about him. My sobbing subsidies and I remain laying against Brittany in silence.
"What's your brother's name?"
Such a simple question, a detail I never revealed. Brittany doesn't ask about his medical problems, his mental or physical deficiencies, she only wants to know his name.
"Manuel Santos Lopez, but we usually just call him Mannie."
"I like that name, I like the nickname even more!"
I can't help but laugh at the face Brittany is making. It's like she is really turning the name over in her mind. Like she is taking all of the information I have just given her and created a visual image of my brother in her mind. Brittany, like Mannie, has managed to capture a special place in my heart. I place where I become unguarded and vulnerable; and in this moment I feel completely safe and comfortable with Brittany having this place.
"Thanks for telling me about your brother S. I'd like to meet him one day, when you're ready of course."
"You will Britt, I promise. I trust you!"
Author's Notes:
Thank you for your comments. I'd love to know what you think! I know I have rated this story M and it will eventually have M content but it won't be for awhile. I hope to have weekly updates now that school is out!
Also I am still looking to bring a Beta on board so if you're interested please let me know!