Merry Christmas and a happy holidays! Here's the next segment of my comedy series, just to brighten the holiday spirit with some cheap laughs!
ACT II: A Rhetorical Christmas
Sitting in their rental home on Gamers Ave., for partially retired or in hiatus video game characters, the Gears gather in the living room, attempting to schedule the holiday entourage this holiday season, according to whatever funds they were able to scrimp while still out on strike with Epic Studios.
MARCUS – Ok, so how much money do we have left, before we even think of contemplating delving into any holiday cliché's…and that includes late night parties, Cole!
COLE – Aw c'mon Boss man…I stayed in budget.
MARCUS – I was referring to the cleanup shortly afterwards that took us three f***ing days…and the bill for that, alone was three hundred dollars!
COLE – Three hundred bucks?
KIM – We had to rent TWO carpet cleaners just to get all that vaseline out of the carpet…
MARCUS - …and a hundred bucks at the hardware store, to patch up the holes in the sheetrock!
KIM - …and thanks to you and Baird, we're never going to get our deposit back!
BAIRD – Hey, we weren't the ones who was using the recliner as a trebuchet…
MARCUS – Shut up Baird…and before you even start giving me any lip, you need to get a job!
BAIRD – I have a job!
MARCUS – No, a job that includes a f***ing pay stub. With you just fixing all of our sh*t around here doesn't cut it.
COLE – Hey he had that one job at the airport…
MARCUS - …and he got fired the following week!
Flashback: Standing at a security clearance, next to the body scanners, Baird gets into a tissy with an obese woman,
WOMAN - …I'm appalled that I'm going get stripped searched. Do I look like a terrorist to you?
BAIRD – Ma'am, it too pains me that the TSA security policy is going to require me to strategically pat down your fat ass, meander through your stinky folds in search for anything that may be linked to TNT…which I'm willing to bet I'll just end up finding some cheetos, a TV remote control, and possibly a bon bon.
BAIRD – Yea…needless to say I didn't lose any sleep when they gave me the boot. Wait…I had a good job, but somebody insisted we needed to go on strike for better working conditions!
MARCUS – Oh, boohoo.
BAIRD – Damn right… (sulks) …I miss playing with explosives.
MARCUS – Look, we're a little tight for cash and everyone else seems to be holding a steady job BUT you!
BAIRD – Yea, and I bet you're enjoying every minute of it, aren't you Marcus…
Flashback: Sitting droopily in the smallest cubicle in the office, wearing a white shirt and tie, Marcus is leaning the side of his face on his hand, propped up by his forearm on the desk, speaking into the receiver of his headphones, talking to an old man on the other line,
OLD MAN – Well sonny, for some crazy reason my toaster won't come on…
MARCUS – (sighs) Sir, you need to plug the toaster into the outlet that is located on the wall above the counter.
OLD MAN – Oh…land sakes, they make these things so complicated.
Marcus lets out a groan.
B. CARMINE – (sulking) Man, I want Cole's job…
KIM – (seconds the notion while slumped sappily on the couch) No kidding…wait, where do you work Cole?
COLE – At Victoria's Secret, baby!
Flashback: Dressed in black slacks, a rolled up dress shirt and tie, Cole is standing next to a dressing room door as a client opens her door, wearing nothing but a lacy bra and matching panties, asking for his opinion,
CLIENT – Oh I can't decide…do I look sexier in the black, or the red?
Cole gets giddy,
COLE – Definitely the red baby…it just so brings out the color in your hair.
COLE – WHOO…that was an awesome day! Ah hell, everyday is awesome at my workplace.
Everyone else in the room groans…
DOM – So I'm gonna take a wild guess…were short for the rent this month, right?
Marcus and Kim drearily say in unison – Yes.
TAI – (sitting on the couch, eating out of a bag of Dorrito's) Maybe we can do something that doesn't involve spending money…
BAIRD – (sarcastically) Really…you think?
Marcus slaps him upside the head.
DIZZY – Hey, why don't we do a little caroling around da neighborhood?
MARCUS – No, no… (the others give him a bemused look) …and in case you didn't hear me the first time, the answer is no.
DOM – Ok, please tell me why is that such a bad idea?
Flashback from last year's Christmas, on the downtown street corner: Ben Carmine and Kim were shivering vigorously in their coats and beanies, singing out of tune; Dom is crying instead of singing,
DOM – Boohoo…Marieaaa…(sob)
Dizzy starts to slur every other verse, occasionally sipping out of his canteen as he leans to one side,
DIZZY – Ya bettersss watchssssout…ya bettersss not cryssss…
A little kid in a crowd stands in awe, watching a grouchy Marcus attempting to sing, despite sounding like a cinder block being dragged on concrete…
MARCUS – (in his grinding voice) Ya better not pout I'm telling you why…
A bundled Tai is staring blankly at the hymnal, mispronouncing the lyrics between shivers while Baird, wearing a long stocking cap and his pink scarf, is the only one in the group that is actually singing in tune,
BAIRD - …Santa Claus is coming, to fu**…
MARCUS - *Goddammit Baird… (abruptly interrupts Baird before finishing the verse and smacks him up side the head)
KIM – …I agree. Bad idea.
DOM – Ok, what about putting up Christmas lights on the house?
BAIRD – Oh f*** that! I'm not doing that again!
DOM – Oh c'mon Baird, it was a lot of fun last year…
BAIRD – Pfft, for you it was!
Flashback: Standing on the top of an extension ladder, Baird is cussing and rambling while trying to find the broken bulb out of one thousand, seven hundred and forty bulbs. Listening to Marcus from below, Baird groans,
MARCUS – Have you found it yet?
BAIRD – NO! (he yells out and then rambles quietly to himself) …asshole…why don't you drag your sappy, fat ass up here and start looking through every single f***ing bulb, (and b*tch, b*tch, b*tch…)
Suddenly Baird spots the busted bulb,
BAIRD – Aha!…so there you are, you little bastard! (and reaches over to grab it)
Not realizing that the guys forgot to turn off the circuit breaker to the lights, the moment Baird grabbed it, a sudden shock of several bolts singe his hand and lights him up,
BAIRD – F***! (followed by a list of other expletives as he falls off the ladder and comes crashing down on every snow covered limb of vegetation that ran along the house) …OW, f***, damn,…oomf, SH*T…(and then finally lands on the nativity scene below, lying sappily in the manger on top of the plastic baby, twitching every other few seconds)
Nearby, Marcus is laughing so hard, he nearly pisses himself and falls over while the others are rolling in the snow, spilling in laughter.
Even their neighbors from the "Red" house (from Rooster's Teeth, Red vs Blue) across the street marvel at the incident...
GRIF - Holy crap! That blonde dude in the pink sweater just got f***ed up!
SIMMONS - That's the third time he got electrocuted trying to put those up...glad we managed to convince Donut into putting them up on our house this year.
...in the meantime, poor Donut is hanging from the tree after accidentally leaning off the extension ladder...
DONUT - Guys? Hey guys...need help here!
BAIRD – If you guys want it so much then you do it! I'm tired of getting electrocuted because somebody keeps forgetting to turn off the damn breaker!
COLE – Well I guess we can scratch that idea.
B. CARMINE – What about putting up a Christmas tree?
KIM – We don't have the funds to buy one…not even a fake one!
DIZZY – Who said we had to buy it? There's plenty of ferns around dis neighborhood that we can just take a Lancer to…
KIM – Ok, we're not going to go out and buzz down somebody's conifer from their back yard…
MARCUS – Hey, I actually like that idea…
KIM – Wait, what? You gotta be kidding me!
BAIRD – Hey yea, I'll do it!
DOM – Whoa wait, which neighbor?
MARCUS – How bout those douchebags that share that residence at 506…they got some nice ferns.
DOM – Wait, you mean the place where that one dude waters his lawn in his underwear?
Flashback: Dom steps out of the house for a morning jog, passing by a house, only to find Kratos (God if War) standing out in the middle of a manicured lawn, topless while wearing a subligaculum, watering his flower garden with a lit up cigarette hanging from his mouth.
A little ways on the other side of the house entrance, a massive black steed with a fiery mane and tail, and goes by the name of Ruin, starts to graze on the flowers. Kratos gets pissed and yells out towards the house,
KRATOS – Hey….War! Come get your stupid horse…he's eating my petunia's again!
Just then, The Prince of Persia steps out onto the driveway, only to step in a big pile of horsesh*t,
PRINCE – Gyaaa…(trying to scrape it off on the grass) …son of a …
KRATOS – Hey hey…don't you be scraping that sh*t on the lawn!
PRINCE – WAR... (yells towards the house)…your horse sh*t in the driveway again!
All the while, the horseman War (from Darksiders) is wearing sweat pants and a wife beater shirt with a beer in hand, snoring loudly on the couch.
BAIRD – Shea, they also got a horse with a flaming anus that guards their back yard. I can see this little venture lasting no longer than ten minutes!
MARCUS – Well don't we have some leftover chloroform?
KIM – Wait…leftover chloroform? When and how did we get chloroform?
MARCUS – We used it for Caboose during the block party last Summer.
Flashback: Everyone on the block is drinking and carrying on, while Caboose from the "Blue" house is lying comatose on the lawn, and Ruin is licking the glass shield on his helmet.
TUCKER – Dude…what's with Caboose man? He hasn't moved from that spot in over an hour.
CHURCH – Pfft, who cares…as long as he's not bugging everybody with sh*t we could care less to talk about, it's all good.
DOM – Ohhhhh…damn. That explains why he didn't wake up for three days. Sh*t…how much did y'all give him?
BAIRD – Pfft, apparently not enough.
Marcus slaps him in the back of the head…again.
COLE – Well sh*t. It's almost dark. I say we wait until late tonight to go out in get it.
KIM - …but that Lancer is going to wake up everybody in the neighborhood, the moment we rev it up!
MARCUS – Well I guess we're just going to have to pull a George Washington…
DOM – Wait..what? A George…(and then pauses for a moment) …oh…oh you've got to be kidding me!
The others turn to look at Baird.
BAIRD – Sigh…(and gets up to go over to the garage) I'll go get the ax and the left-over chloroform…but I want a beer after all of this!
MARCUS – Damon, you manage to chop that pine tree and get it into our house before midnight, I'll get you a keg.
To be continued...
The events to follow are going to get interesting as they attempt to steal somebody's evergreen bush/tree. Anyhoot, hope you got some laughs and have a Merry Christmas!