Note below.
Fyi, Lys is from Fleur-de-Lys. French for Lilies
"Kate." It comes in a breath, as light and quiet as a late night summer breeze, only meant to reach her ears, and hers only. And she knows. She knows what he means, knows what he wants to share with her so badly but can't bring himself to; the wonder a fierce beast making its claws inside her chest, settling heavy, her heart contorting with each passing beat, breath shallow.
She understands now, understands what Castle has once told her. The surge of love and protectiveness now pumping strong in her veins, overcoming her every sense just at the sight of the tiny sleeping form. She already knows she would do anything to protect that life, so incredibly delicate and depending - on her.
A life she unconsciously ignored for over six months, deprived from what she needed most.
It hurts. It hurts to know she's the reason she can't hold her own child, the reason her husband can't hold their baby.
She's been watching him as they sit both in their respective wheelchair, facing the imposing incubator housing their daughter. Looking at the way his eyes painfully travel the tiny length of their peacefully sleeping baby, swallowing hard as she sees his fingers flex and fist, longing to touch her, get to know the feel of her. But they can't - she's to stay in there for another few days and they're in no condition to hold her safely. They know it, but it doesn't make it any less painful.
And yet, she can't brush off the joy that makes her nerves tingle, the hairs at the back of her neck stand up. It isn't quite joy, there is too much helplessness and guilt behind it, but it's close, oh so close.
She can't bring herself to believe that they have a baby, so suddenly. She didn't know she would feel that way. She expected fear, panic even. However, she's never felt so calm. She doesn't know if it's the whooshing sound of the machine, the quietness surrounding them or the tiny chest falling and rising before her, equally tiny fingers forming fists to then open up wide.
Hi, Mommy.
"What if she thinks we don't love her?" She knows it sounds innocent and weak but what if she doesn't? What if she knows – somehow- that she'd been ignored all this time? Unknown to the world, and to her own mother. Utterly alone.
His arm comes to curl around her shoulders with a grunt, squeezing her closer to him as he angles his face to rest his lips against her hairline, inhaling. "If she did think that, she'll know better now, because won't leave her, ever." He presses his lips once more before slightly backing up to look at her, a finger angling her jaw toward him. "You are not to blame, hear me? This is not your fault."
She frowns under his scrutinizing look, trying to keep the tears at bay as hard as she can.
"I just- I failed her even before knowing about her at all, what kind of mother does that make me, Castle?" she rushes, tears clogging her throat, voice breaking around his name. She sniffs loudly, the back of her right hand brushing under each eye. His hold tightens around her jaw, head slowly shaking at her, his gaze steady on her.
"Not being able to move is hell, Beckett. And you gotta stop this if you don't want me pulling off my stitches twice a day," he rumbles, and she gives him a tight watery smile, her face turning into his hand to kiss the warm skin, staying there, eyes closed for a moment. "You heard the doctor, there is no way you would have known. It has nothing to do with you, just our usual luck." His fingers slowly slither along her cheek, the touch heavy with such an overwhelming love she has to move forward and cup his jaw, her lips coming to brush over his own feather-like, her eyes screwed shut, the crease between her eyebrows fiercely narrowing.
Sadly, the pain in her stomach quickly makes her retreat with a heavy sigh. She opens her eyes on him smiling softly at her, redirecting his and her own gaze to their daughter, whose legs keep kicking away.
"You will be and already are an amazing mom, Kate," he states, eyes glued to the very awake little girl showing off for them, clasping her hand firmly inside his. "Look at her, Kate, barely four pounds and already kicking butts and taking names like her mother." He turns to her with wide, falsely surprised blue eyes, his lips into a lopsided grin.
A bright bubbling laugh pushes through her lips, and her hand flies to cover her mouth, eyes laughing as the girl froze hearing her mother.
"Oh, sorry sweetheart. Gotta get used to that."
Two weeks later, they're announced that their daughter can now be taken out of her nest a couple hours a day. The news is enough to brighten both of the parents' faces.
Although Kate is the only one able to hold the newborn, her husband is as close as he can get, their shoulders pressed against one another.
Both watch silently as a nurse gently gets the sleeping infant out, helping the new mother to get a good hold of her, the transition slightly awkward for a moment. Kate's left arm still being held in a loose sling, she tries to support the tiny girl solely in the crook of her right arm, the hand secured at the oversized diaper-clad bottom. She lets her eyes track over the girl, both amazed and horrified to see her fit so well against only one of her arms. She only gazes at her, can't use her other arm and it brings a fierce frustration that sends tears to her eyes, her left hand fisting, and she has to stifle a moan biting her lips.
She then feels fingers under her eyes, a soft caress that makes her face duck towards their daughter, hair escaping from her falling bun. "I remember Alexis being small, but this is. . ." He doesn't finish, the wonder stealing his words, his breath, his thoughts – everything.
The girl stretches suddenly, arms flying on both sides, fingers splayed wide as she gently smacks her lips, face angling towards her father before settling once again.
Kate chokes, emotions swirling wide, raging. "She wants you, Castle."
Castle slowly turns to her further, resting his chin on her shoulder, grimacing before looking down at her, smiling gently. "I-" he halts, hiding his face in her neck taking a deep, ragged breath, as if trying to find reassurance and comfort, and she gently angles her chin to his forehead, giving it all to him. "I can't. I would hurt or upset her." She freezes against him with a frown as he carries on, "Babies sense everything, Kate. If the pain makes me tense and it will, she'd feel it."
Kate nods slowly, her thumb moving in circles against the diaper. "She's so small, I feel like I could break her just moving an inch," she breathes, watching as her husband manages to lift a hand, one of his fingers coming to rest weightlessly against their daughter's open palm.
Both of their breaths catch as the tiny hand closes around the finger, barely getting all the way around it.
"Oh, baby," Kate laughs nudging the side of Castle's forehead with her nose, "Already such a daddy's girl."
"Just you wait for her to open her eyes and see you, babe. She'll be done for." Smiling sweetly, he rises his head to look at her, the love outpouring from his eyes, the corners crinkling with it as he approaches slowly to kiss the harsh arc of her cheekbone with a low grunt.
She knows it comes from the pain, and yet she can't suppress the short intake of breath, desire and adoration pooling low in her stomach as one of his free fingers comes stroking the small ear with a delicacy she's rarely ever witnessed before.
They'll be fine.
They won't be fine. Nothing about this is fine.
"You can't be serious?" she more or less yells, the nurse wincing and moving her arm in a gesture that means to be appeasing.
Not a chance.
"Look, from the moment you're being discharged, we can't allow you to stay after visiting hours, that's our policy."
"Then don't discharge me!" She knows there is no reason to for her to stay, the wound at her shoulder is coming along nicely and physical therapy awaits her, still.
The nurse smiles apologetically. "Your husband will also be discharged in the following week, that's how it works, I'm sorry."
"So, if I understand well, you expect us to just walk away from here, from our baby?" she spits with a huff, jaw set hard.
She's failed her daughter once already, she sure as hell won't do it again – can't.
"I'm saying, you can come see her during the day but we can't have you here all day and night. She won't know, you know? Plus, it's only for a short month now." The nurse lowers her eyes, checking if all papers are in orders, oblivious of the silently fuming detective.
A loud sudden slap makes the young nurse jump in her seat, wide eyes shooting up.
"See this badge? I am the authority, don't make me repeat," she drags on slowly but nonetheless threatening. It's a lie, mostly. She's not supposed to use her badge for personal purpose and there's nothing she'd be allow to do, but the nurse doesn't seem to know it, and she'd be damned if she'd just turn her back on her own daughter when she needed her the most.
Hell no.
The nurse glares at her, assessing, and slowly, Kate sees the fight leave the small woman as she sighs with a disapproving shake of her head.
And she knows, she's won.
Yet, it doesn't feel like a victory.
"Hey sweetheart," Kate starts quietly, the sleeping baby resting on her arm. It's late, the light around them considerably dimmed, the nursery silent but for hushed background noises. "Do you like your new onesie?" Slowly, she pads her fingers over the smooth bright green fabric, her eyes tracing the small elephant on the front. "I bought it just for you, hope you like it even if it's a little big," she says as some sort of a question.
Obviously, being such a sudden surprise, Castle and herself had talked about getting furniture for her room, clothes, bottles, a stroller – everything she needs and will need. Castle hadn't been discharged yet, so they had agreed that she could buy the small things and they could order the rest on the internet together. And so, she had taken a few hours of her days not devoted to physical therapy or her daughter to stroll around in shops she had rarely set foot in. It had made everything so very real, checking sizes that were all too big for the girl, looking at stuffed animals that were almost bigger than she is.
It hurt.
She just couldn't shake off the constant guilt always nagging at her.
Couldn't forgive her own traitorous body, mind, whatever.
"Daddy misses you a lot, you know?" She lowers her chin to the tickling fine hair, nosing. Taking in her daughter's scent, her eyes closing. She has been alternating between staying with her husband and her daughter but she likes coming here at night best, there is something to be said about the lulling atmosphere that just isn't the same once the busy days start. Though, the nursery is where she's been spending also most of her days. Castle's been sleeping so much lately, gathering strength, slowly but surely healing for them both. "But. He is getting better, he's strong," she affirms firmly to the little girl, as though she absolutely has to know. "You are, too, baby. So strong. Thanks for having hang in there, kid." Her breath rattles slightly under the weight of the emotions swelling up her throat. "I am sorry, so sorry. I've never meant any of this."
She inches her head slightly away from the baby's head to look at her face. "Do you think you can forgive me?"
The moment the words are out, the girl's eyes flutter open, gaze locking with her mother's, mouth in a slight pout, hand flying towards her.
Kate chokes on a laugh, catching the small hand with her left hand, shoulder be damned.
"Oh, hi, beautiful," she sighs, afraid to break the spell, "I'll take that as a yes."
And as she stares at the innocent face, feels the strong bond taking place. She realizes something.
She needs a name.
TBC
I wanna thank you all guys, feedback was sweet. I'm just really happy you like it. Fyi, this will probably be three or four chapters long, I'm not really sure yet but I know I don't want to drag this too much. This isn't really about length. I don't wanna somehow get lost and get away from my main goal - which is to see how Castle and Beckett learn to live with first, the trauma of the shooting and second (and mosty), the "sudden" birth of a baby they didn't even know about.
Also kudos to Alex and her beta superpowers
Be aware next update might not come as fast as that one did, work tends to be pretty hard on me, siiiigh. Shouldn't be more than a week, tho.
twitter: Katherinehgt