Chapter 2: When You Were Mine

March 2014

John brought it up during dinner. He went straight to her place after work, something that was becoming more and more frequent. Anna had greeted him with a kiss and waited for him to get there before eating, even if it was already late. She asked of his day at work and was pleased when he told her the little girl he had been treating for a few weeks would be able to go back home in a few days. Before long, he brought up the subject. He had spoken to Joseph the day before, who was currently stationed on a mission in Afghanistan. John had done missionary work in the past, after he left medical school, and it was something he had always wanted to do. Perhaps he should have done it before he met Anna, as he didn't know what her reaction would be.

And it wasn't the best one.

"Doctors Without Borders?" she repeated once he told her of his plan. He noticed she had stopped eating immediately. "But you'd be away."

"It wouldn't be more than a few months," John told her. "Maybe one year. No more than that."

"And they would send you to conflict areas," it was not a question. "You'd be in the middle of war."

"Not necessarily. There are many countries that need only the medical assistance."

Her nostrils flared up just slightly. He was in trouble now. "But you could be sent to conflict areas."

"That's a possibility, yes. But we don't have sides, they leave us alone. We're there to treat everyone. It is risky, but only to an extent," John acquiesced. Anna turned her attention to the spaghetti on her plate. He remained silent. Of course this would change things. But he felt he needed to do this now - else he would never do it again. He was still fit, at forty four years of age. He could take a leave from the hospital and come back to his job once the mission was over. But he knew he would have to be away for at least a few months. That wouldn't have been a problem two years ago. It was a problem now.

"Have you applied yet?" Anna asked a few minutes later. She was done eating, and she was apparently calmer. He took a sip of juice and shook his head.

"No. I've worked for them in the past, they've offered me a new mission, if I'm interested. But I wanted to discuss it with you first," he told her. She nodded, but said nothing. "I know it's risky. And I know you'll worry. But Joseph is working for them and nothing has happened to him. He comes back in two months. You know I did similar work when I was younger."

"Yes, but you were younger," she said, her eyes pleading, as if that explained everything.

John took a deep breath. "I'd like to do it again, one more time. To feel as if I've truly helped people in need."

"But you do that every day," Anna said again. "How's that so different?"

He was surprised that she couldn't see the difference but he knew she was blinded by him going away. Her reaction had been worse than he thought, and when his explanations didn't seem to make her see his point, she went to bed in a bit of a hurry. He hated arguing with Anna - they very rarely did, and it was never over something very serious. Not like this, anyway. He finished tidying up the kitchen as he usually did for her, and even contemplated going to his own flat, but it wouldn't do. His life with Anna was the most important thing to him, and if she truly didn't want him to go, he wouldn't.

John tiptoed his way up the stairs and into the bedroom; she was already in bed, apparently asleep. He took a shower and put on his pajamas pants before joining her, careful not to wake her. He hated going to bed with unfinished business on his mind, and he particularly hated the trepidation it brought him. So he tentatively got settled and spooned her, just the way they usually slept. Anna didn't stir. Just as he had got comfortable, however, her voice pierced the air.

"I'm sorry."

He stopped moving, surprised, and she turned around, remaining close to him. He caught sight of the tears that had ran through her cheeks and brought his hands up to stroke them.

"My darling," he kissed her softly. He didn't want to bring her any pain. "That's enough of that. I won't go if it'll make you unhappy."

But Anna shook her head, biting down a sob. "I don't want you to let go of your dreams because of me. If you want to do this, you should."

"The last thing I want is to see you sad," he assured her. "The only reason why I thought about doing it now is because once we marry and… Well, once we have a family I won't be able to do it. And I'd like to do it again. But I won't if you don't want me to."

Her bottom lip wobbled. "I don't want you to. I won't pretend the opposite. But I want you to be happy and to follow opportunities. I don't want you to feel like you're missing out," Anna insisted. "Just promise me you'll come back to me."

"Anna-"

"Promise me," she interrupted. "Promise me that and then we'll talk about it and see what's best for you."

"And for us," he reminded her, but she shook her head.

"It's all the same."

He took a deep breath. He shouldn't have promised her that, he knew it the minute his mission was revealed, months later. But at the time, he made his promise with a clear conscience and in the hopes that she would be understanding.

"I promise I'll come back to you," he said, loud and clear. He kissed her lips softly. "And when I return, we will marry. And have our family."

Anna sniffed. "Don't joke like that."

But John smiled. "I'm not joking."

"Is this your way of proposing?" Anna let out a laugh.

"No, I'll do it properly one day," John kissed her again. "Don't worry. Not yet. Okay? I'll see what I can find out and then we will talk it through."

She nodded against him, falling into his embrace. "I'm sorry I overreacted."

In the back of his mind, he knew that she hadn't.

Present Day

Byron greeted him enthusiastically when he parked his car in the driveway, already. As soon as he left the car, the dog was jumping rather excitedly, and it instantly brought a smile to his face. He crouched down and scratched behind the dog's ears.

"Are you taking good care of Anna?" John said in a low voice. "Making sure she's fine every day? That no one bothers her?"

Byron barked. John smiled.

"Yes, I know you are," he patted the dog's back. "You've always been a good boy. She needs to be taken care of."

"I can look after myself, you know," Anna's voice startled him. John stood up immediately. Byron left his place by his side and ran to her, who was still standing by the front door. The dog entered the cottage without a second thought. It was getting dark.

John took slow steps towards her. "I never said you couldn't."

Her look was skeptical, but she said no more. She did allow herself to smile and he did the same. Her place was exactly the same as he remembered. The garden wasn't exactly lively this time of the year, but it was lovely all the same. Anna had always been extremely organized in all aspects, so he wasn't surprised. Their greeting was awkward - he wasn't sure if they should hug or simply do nothing. It was odd to not kiss her lips and not put his hand on her waist or her back. Instead, she took the decision from him and simply rested a hand on his arm, guiding him in.

"I'm just finishing things up," she told him as they entered the cottage. "I hope you still like lasagna."

He scratched his head absentmindedly and nodded, following her. They passed by the living room. Everything was the same - save for a few missing photographs under the television. Byron was on his little bed in the corner of the room, chewing a bone toy.

"I do," he assured her. Normally he wouldn't say anything else, but his therapist urged that he needed to share more. "I probably like it even more now. The food wasn't always great there."

They entered the kitchen. Anna nodded. "Yes, I remember you saying that. You said you were dying for a burger that one day. I had to go and buy one for myself."

John frowned, watching her move from the doorway. She took a look inside the oven. The little table was set up already. He was glad she hadn't gone into any more trouble, like setting up their meal on the bigger table in the dining room. He didn't want her to hope too much. He wasn't sure how her life was - by all means, this was just a simple meal between… Friends. But they had never been just friends, even if he considered her his best friend.

"Did I say that?"

"Yeah, the day before- Just in one of our video chats," she said dismissively. "Would you like something to drink? I have some wine."

It felt weird to feel like a simple visitor in this house.

He declined. "Water is fine. I don't drink anymore. But you can drink wine if you'd like."

Anna shook her head. "No, it's fine. I was never much of a drinker anyway. You know that."

John smiled. "I do remember that one night after Mary's birthday."

She let out a laugh. "I'm glad one of us remember that. And that proved it to you I'm really not much of a drinker."

They laughed, each on opposite sides of the room. He remembered her vividly, as if it had happened last night. Her giggles and glassy eyes, how she had asked him, in a very sweet manner, to stay the night with her and take care of her in the morning. She wasn't too drunk to not remember anything, and the result had been a rather bad headache in the morning, but he had made her some soup and they napped together the following afternoon. It wasn't often that he could spend the weekend with her without being on call. She wasn't much of a drinker but she was still the most adorable one.

"How have you been?" he asked after a moment, when Anna handed him a glass of water.

"Okay," was all she offered. "I'm, ah, redecorating the bathrooms. We had some leak problems and we've had to break a lot of things down. It was a mess. Nearly done now, though."

He nodded. Her words struck a chord though - was she living with someone else? He remembered the cottage having some issues, it being a rather old building. And before he could think about it, he spoke. "I saw you the other day. At that café, near the flat."

She frowned but a look of understanding crossed her face the next moment. "Yes, I was there the other day. Meeting up with Gwen and her boyfriend."

"Oh."

He had never been the jealous type. Maybe that's why Anna was eyeing him suspiciously. Gwen was single when he left, so he wouldn't know her boyfriend. People moved on after he left. He was selfish to hope that Anna hadn't, even if it was the best. It would happen eventually - that much he knew. He was spared another comment when she announced dinner was ready and that gave space to a new topic of conversation. They both knew they were making time for what would have to happen at some point in the evening. But he felt a comfort in sitting across from her, and talking about trivial things such as the weather and Anna's redecorating.

September 2014

It was late afternoon when he got the call. He would be able to take a leave starting in January and he had been expecting the call, ever since he made it known. He had just turned the phone off and was checking his e-mail when the jingling sound of keys hit the door, and Anna entered his flat, holding flowers in one hand and a rather heavy notebook on her hand. She gave him a smile and put the notebook on the desk, beside his computer and where he was sitting.

"Hello, you," she said brightly, giving him a quick kiss. "I've brought these to brighten this place up."

John arched his eyebrows, watching as she walked away and disappeared into the kitchen.

"As if this place needs brightening up," he said, loud enough for her to hear, "when you brighten this place as it is."

His eyes focused back on the e-mail, finally opening it. This was it, he would finally know where he would go for his mission. It was all nearly done - he had done his training in London, made himself available for a year. He heard Anna giggle from the kitchen, but he didn't register her words, his eyes too focused on the words in front of him. He sat back in his chair, taking it in. The first week of January would be his last week in England for nearly a year.

"You're such a charmer," Anna's amused voice brought him back to earth. He looked at her, putting the little vase of flowers on the little coffee table. She seemed satisfied with her work, and looked at him, obviously expecting him to say something. "What is it?"

It took him a second to reply. "I got the mission. And the dates, and everything."

They had worked things out. He had hoped the mission wouldn't be too long. Anna was understanding and supportive, but they were making plans. He was supposed to move in with her in January, when his leave started. If he wasn't called for a mission, they would travel. Of course she didn't expect the news, even if they knew they could come. So she stood, surprised, just for a moment. He gave her time to compose herself. He watched as she nodded and smoothed down her dress in a nervous manner. She walked towards him.

"What is it, then? Let's hear it," she said, stopping beside him. He motioned for her to read the e-mail and his arm hugged her legs, just as she moved to sit on his lap. Her eyes moved fast as she read, her face devoid of emotion, if only for a few seconds. She blinked rapidly. He could read her like a book. She was worried already. Trying to foresee every imaginable situation. His grip on her waist tightened, and she spoke. "It's a long time."

John nodded. He wondered how would he do without her for so long. "I know."

"I don't suppose you'll let me visit."

He shook his head, placing a kiss on her shoulder. "No."

"That's so far away," she sniffed, looking back to the screen. "You'll be so far away."

He smiled, having anticipated this. Any place would have been too far from her. But she had taught him to have faith in them - they would work it out. Video chats, phone calls. They would be able to make do. She would be waiting for him to return, and he would be waiting to return to her. Over a year with her taught him more about life and love than he had learned previously. He wasn't sure how he would survive without her kisses - it wasn't that he regretted his decision. He regretted not doing it before meeting her. But she supported him. And he thought of the future they would have. The worse possibility was that he would be one rather long flight away.

"Could have been worse. Africa is pretty big," he said, and she turned back to look at him. "We'll have some months for ourselves. And when I return we'll get on with our plans."

Anna nodded, though her eyes were hesitant. It was not a safe area. But, if he was honest, there was no safe area. He felt accomplished - he hoped he would be able to help the people there in any way that might be possible. He knew Anna understood that, and he also knew it could be very, very hard. He took her hand.

"Let's make the most of the time we'll have," he told her. "Don't worry. I'll message you every day. And I'll be back before you know it."

She smiled weakly. "Promise me you won't run away with a local girl and leave me here by myself."

At that, he laughed. "Never. That's the last thing we have to worry about."

And he kissed her, slowly, savouring every moment, every touch, because he already missed her immensely.

Present Day

Anna insisted she would handle the dishes later, and he fell into the uneasy pattern here - they usually did the dishes together, or when she cooked he would take care of the kitchen. It wasn't like that anymore, of course. He couldn't remember the last time he ate so much - and he supposed that was a good thing.

Byron was asleep when they entered the living room and he sat on the settee - not his usual chair. How many times had he seated here to read a book or just spend time with Anna?

She sat beside him, though there was still a respectable distance between them. He took notice of the rather empty shelf under the telly.

"I still have them," Anna said softly, following his eyes. He supposed seeing the many photographs of them wouldn't have helped her much. "Just… Had to put them away."

He nodded. That was the natural thing to do.

"So you're not… I mean, you're not-"

"Seeing anyone?" she finished this sentence for him. He was glad she had. She shook her head. "No. Mary has been insisting on setting me up with whatever new guy arrived in her office but I don't- I don't really feel like I'm ready for that."

She took a deep breath, then looked at him hesitantly. "Why didn't you come see me? When you arrived," he wasn't surprised that she went straight to the point. Anna had always been practical. But he wasn't sure what was the answer for that question. "Some of your boxes are still in the garage. I never went through them."

"I… Thank you. I'll have to get the boxes some other time," John started. Byron woke up and watched them. "I wanted to see you. But I couldn't."

"Why not?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. Pride, regret. And I was sorry. I still am. For the way I treated you."

Anna blinked rapidly. "You did what you thought was right."

"I hurt you," he closed his eyes for a second. "I didn't give you a chance to even talk about it. You were worried and I was… I wasn't myself."

"No. You were not," she agreed, and he saw the hurt for the first time in her eyes. "You didn't listen to me."

"I was hopeless," he said - a sad excuse. "When I answered your phone call, I thought we would be dead by the end of the week. I couldn't let you feel attached to me, linked to me-"

"We were in a relationship for almost two years," she interrupted him. "I'll always- I'll always feel linked to you."

"I know," he said simply. "I want- I'm trying to get better. I was going to call you the day… The day the hospital got stroke."

She closed her eyes. "I was so worried."

"I couldn't bring myself to do it afterwards," he shook his head. He couldn't bring himself to face the memories - not here, not in front of her. "I had to stay there, recovering. And the things we saw- I was only sure I would return when I arrived in London. I didn't want you to face you then - I didn't want to face you yesterday."

"But why not?" she asked again. "You're here now. Isn't that what matters?"

"I've changed," John said. He rubbed his temple. "I have headaches - nightmares. I'm not safe. Do you see? It's not safe to be around me. Not anymore," he ignored the tears that stung his eyes. "I can't even go back to work, I can't have my life back."

"You can have me back," he hated how pleading she sounded. Her hands reached for his. They were warm. "We can start over. I can- I'll try to help, we can do this-"

It was the most difficult thing he ever had to do.

"No, Anna," his voice was harsh even to his own ears.

He pulled her hands away, slowly, and she gasped. They were very close together - too close. He was bringing her even more pain. But it was for the best; he couldn't live the way he used to before. He couldn't go to bed with her by his side not knowing if he would have a nightmare and hurt her - physically hurt her - in the process. He couldn't make her life revolve around him, around what he could do and what he had to stay away from.

"I still love you," her voice was small, her face close to his. He hated seeing her tears. "I never stopped."

"I'll always love you," he said slowly, "but I've risked my life. I won't risk yours."

Her eyes didn't leave his - it took him all his willpower not to kiss her then and there, not even when she moved, not even when their breaths mingled. He longed for her - but he couldn't have her. He pulled away, putting distance between them, and stood up.

"I should go."

"Wait."

Anna reached behind her neck and Byron was looking rather accusingly at him. She took off a necklace, revealing a gold band - the small, white stone shone before his eyes, as if he had given it to her yesterday. She took his hand and put the ring on his palm.

"This isn't mine anymore," Anna mumbled, wiping some tears away from her cheeks. "It hasn't been for a while, anyway. Don't know why I-"

"It was yours from the moment you accepted it," he interrupted her, reaching for her hand and repeating her gesture. "I want you to keep it."

She closed her hand around the ring and nodded, more tears falling. Byron nudged against her leg and her free hand patted his head. John gulped in silence - his heart was shattered, and he knew hers would be too, but it was for the best.

"I'm sorry, Anna."

And he left her, standing in the middle of her living room, holding the ring that once meant their engagement.

January 2015

"I think that's all done," were his words.

His bags were ready - not a difficult task, as he only needed to take the basics. His co-workers at the hospital had thrown him a small party to wish him a good trip the week before, and just two days ago Anna had surprised him with a little get together with their closest friends. He was staying in her house tonight - his flat was all taken up with boxes that would soon be stored, as he would be renting the flat while he was away. Some of the boxes were already in Anna's garage - books and items that he would move there, once he had the time.

Anna was stretched out in bed, a thoughtful expression on her face. But she smiled when she saw him, and quickly sat up. She had taken these last few days off to be with him, and he was addicted to her company.

"Are you sure you're not forgetting to do anything?" she said, a teasing smile going wonderfully with her mischievous eyes.

He caught her meaning and tossed his phone on the chair next to the door, pretending to think about it.

"What could I have forgotten?" John asked her, walking towards her. She moved slightly in bed, away from him. He could play at that game. He caught her ankle, and she let out a shriek, giggling loudly. He joined her in bed, moving so he was on top of her, and couldn't help but laugh at her sweet laughter, her blissful happiness. "As if I'd ever forget you."

"I should hope not!" was her indignant reply.

"Never!" he exclaimed. Anna laughed again, kissing him. "I intend to spend the next eighteen hours in this bed, right here, with you."

She arched her eyebrows. "And if I feel hungry?"

"Then I'll leave, get some food and we'll eat it right here," he nibbled at her ear. She started to untuck his shirt from his trousers. "I'll miss you so much."

"I'll miss you too," Anna breathed.

She smelled of flowers and of soap and he loved it. Her hair was soft against his skin, and right then and there, he decided it was the perfect opportunity. When she was about to urge him to take his shirt off, he spoke against her ear, a mere whisper.

"Marry me."

Anna stopped moving, her breathing hard. He kissed her neck one more time and pulled away to look at her. Her bright blue eyes were wide, as if she was asking herself if she heard the right words.

"I love you," he announced, this time loud and clear. "Marry me, Anna."

Her next breath was the sweetest thing he had ever heard.

"Yes," she said, still slightly astonished. "Yes, of course I will!"

She was laughing now and so was he. John pulled away just to reach for his pocket, where the small box had been put not long ago. He opened it and took the ring off - a delicate, beautiful piece he had bought weeks ago. He brought her hand between their bodies and slipped the ring on her third finger. It was perfect. Anna watched him, examined the ring, and beamed. They kissed.

He fell in love with her all over again.

He would leave the next day and, unbeknownst to him, a month later Anna would buy a pregnancy test.

A/N: I know. Don't hate me! Maybe I can be persuaded to update sooner...

Next chapter: a meeting with a colleague at the hospital makes John worry for Anna's health, and he confronts her about it.