The drive back to White Plains seemed to take forever. His neck was tired from hanging out the window and he could already see a shitload of sap running down his car. He'd have to invent some kind of super solvent to get that shit off.

Bug n Tar wasnt gonna cut it. He didn't care, as he pulled in the drive of their suburban home he could already see it all in his head. The entire house covered with blinding red and gold lights, the big tree in the front window.

"Why don't you guys go on in and make room for this baby." he told them, "I'm gonna find a saw and get this crap cut off the bottom."

"Do you need me to help you?" T'Challa asked.

"Nah, I got this. How hard could it be?"

"Hmmm.. You said the same thing when you tried using the vaccum cleaner. Remember? When you set the carpet on fire and the vaccum somehow managed to take flight right through the TV and the front room window.." T'Challa put his hands on his hips.

"For the last time, I didn't know it didn't move on it's own! I thought they were smarter! If I had known, I wouldn't have left it running for six hours!"

"It was a vacuum! They have no intelligence, it sucks up dirt!Urrrrghhh, you're impossible. I swear!" T'Challa stomped into the house.

"Love you too!"Tony called.

He looked around trying to find what shit he would need. He found an old chainsaw in the back of the garage buried behind a stack of boxes. Curious as to what was in it, he peeked in. It was full of unopened gifts. He pulled the top one out.

"Merry Christmas 2000, Love Uncle Nick & Aunt Maria." he read to himself. "Shit, where did this come from?"

He opened the package, the stench hitting him full force in the face.

"Fuuuuuuuck."

God what was this. God it was rank. You'd think after 16 years in a box the smell would be gone, but nope, whatever concoction Auntie M cooked up apparently only got worse as it got older..

Shit was it moving. Yep, that's definitely a jiggle... He gagged, his eyes were starting to water. He needed to get rid of this thing. It could start the zombie apocolypse and he didn't want that on his conscience. Shit why was there no trash can in here.

He bolted out of the garage, bad idea. Apparently really cold air made the zombie virus sizzle. Shit it was smoking!

"Where the fuck are the trash cans!" he yelled "Hot! Hot, hot, hot! Oww!"

Not seeing a can in sight he did the next best thing. He tossed it into Steve and Buckys yard. It landed in a bush with a green explosive splat..

"There we go. no harm done." He went in to wash his hands before heading back to the garage.

"Kay, here we go. Saw=check. Gloves=check. Goggles= Where the hell are my goggles?"

Eh. if he couldn't find them he'd just wear one of the kids Halloween masks with eye covers. He looked everywhere, nearly decapitated himself on a scythe of all things. Who the hell owned a scythe in New York?

"Hey who the hell is the Grim Reaper around here?" he called into the house.

"I borrowed it from Steve!" T'Challa answers, "Remember a few years ago when you said you'd fix the mower?"

"...No..."

"I figured you didn't. I use it to cut grass. It's a pretty good workout."

"Are you serious?"

"You told me not to buy a new mower, that you would fix it, and never did. I had to use something.. Although, I suppose I could let it grown up to your ass. We could be the new rednecks in the neighborhood!"

"Nah, Bucky has that title ever since he wore those boots and leather chaps to our Independence Day barbecue two summers ago".

T'Challa peeked his head in the door.

"..."

"What, Tony?"

"What the hell is Steve doing with a scythe!? Who keeps shit like this in New York...Our neighbors are weird."

Steve Rogers pulled into his drive and glanced over at the house next door. What the hell was Tony up to now..

"Oh my God. Buck look at this." he pointed.

"Holy shit.. Where the hell did he get that thing. Why didn't he just cut down that big pine between our houses?" Bucky asked.

"Who knows. I think there is something wrong with that man. I mean some of the things he does... Remember that robot he made that kept coming to our door singing that Pinocchio song. Or the time he locked himself out naked and hid out on OUR porch til T'Challa got home. Sometimes I could kill him.."

"Don't forget the time he was shit faced drunk and pissed all around our house "claiming" his territory," Bucky paused, "You know, you guys used to be best friends way back when. Maybe you could try to be nice to him again cause I miss those fucking July 4th cookouts.."

"Please don't remind me of that one. He pissed through the dog door... And no, I'm not sacrificing my sanity so you can eat ribs. I'll take you to a steakhouse."

Bucky grumbled at him.

"He's in the garage, let's get inside before he sees us." Bucky said.

"Probably to late for that."

They got out and tried to book it inside but Stark came out of the garage revving up a chainsaw and wearing a Batman mask.

"Is he wearing a Batman mask?" Buck asked.

"God, the mans an weirdo." he said sourly.

"Hey Stark!" he called, "What are you gonna do with a tree that big?"

"Bend over and I'll show you." Stark smiled.

"You're an asshole. You can't just talk to me like that!" Steve yelled back at him.

"I wasn't talking to you Steve-o. Hey there Bucky!" He said seductively, then he revved it up more and set to work.

"Hi Tony." Bucky crooned.

"Son of a..."

"Let it go, Steve, just let it go." Buck said, "Let's just go in and unwind, babe."

"Fine, fine... Hey Buck.."

"Hmmm?"

"Why is our shrub on fire?"

It looked pretty damn good, Tony thought. He'd had to tie all the branches flat to get it in the door, but he knew as soon as he cut off that rope this baby would shine.

"Yo Dad! Do you think there's enough room for the star?

"Sure, Wade. I have a little more trimming to do, but it'll fit, I promise. Ready?"

"Please. Bast, do not let him break anything this time.." T'Challa whispered.

"Now when have I ever broken something?"

They all gave him the fish eye...

"Nevermind.. I give you the Stark family Christmas tree." with that he clipped the rope.

Branches flew out in every direction. Most of them going right through the front room window.. Wood splintered and the glass shattered. The top of the tree shot a hole right into the ceiling.

"Shit.." T'Challa cursed, "That better not be in our bedroom, Tony!"

"OW, my eye!" Peter cried.

"It broke my balls!" Wade whimpered.

"Tony? Where are you?"

There was a knock at the door. Wade went to open it to reveal a scratched and sticky Tony, who had blown out the window with the tree.

"I'm good, right here. There's a lot of fucking sap in here. It looks great. A little full. A lot of fucking sap. Wade, get a broom."

Upstairs in the bathroom T'Challa was trying to help him get his clothes off. The sap from the tree had literally glued pieces of fabric to Tony's skin. He'd ended up cutting most of it off him but there were little bits and pieces stuck all over him..

"Did I tell you I talked to my father today? He and Shuri decided they're coming for the holidays, too. It's not too late to change our plans, we can still go to Hawaii." T'Challa said, "Or better yet, the moon!"

"No, no, are you kidding, that's great. It will be so much fun. The big family shindig I always wanted. Ouch! Easy there hun, I think you just scraped the bone.."

"Then stop squirming. Sweetheart, I think you're forgetting how horrible it's going be...having everybody in the house at the same time. My father and your's, together. It's a disaster in the making." T'Challa grimaced.

"They're our families, not some freakshow off the street. Jarvis will be here too. And Peggy, but she'll be at Maleficents nextdoor most of the time."

"I wish you two could just be friends again.. And all they ever do is fight with each other."

"Eh. You got to admit it is pretty funny watching your dad and Aunt Pegs. go at it, HE HE." Tony laughed.

"Fine." T'Challa smiled, "I'll give you that one, but they are going to make us all crazy. A whole week. In the house.. Together.."

"Weeeelll..I may have forgot to tell you someone else will be coming.."

"What..."

"I may have invited Thor and Jane..."

"Oh shit. And you couldn't have told me EARLIER!"

"Oopsy.. They're bringing Loki.."

"Tony!"

"I know. But I want to have Christmas here, in our house. It means a lot to me. All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas. And now I have the chance and by God I am going to do it!"

"It's just that you build these things up in your head, Starky. You set these unreachable standards no family event can ever live up to."

"Name one time when have I ever done that?"

"Just one. Well lets see. How about that vacation we took a few years back. You know the one where you wanted to drive us across the country to see DisneyLand."

"It wasn't that bad..."

"Wasn't that bad...Your Aunt Angie died in the car on the way there. Jarvis nearly died from starvation, Howard caught the clap. Peggy beat up four men twice her size. We got lost in the middle of the desert, I was arrested for indecent exposure and the car smelled horrible for weeks after we got home! Oh, and don't forget Wade, who was 14, picked up a hooker and Peter who managed to get left behind in Vegas and starred in a circus act!"

"...Ok." Tony said. "In my defense that could happend to anyone. And Peter was really good, he swung around that arena like a spider on a web!"

T'Challa tossed the pliers he was using to peel the cloth scraps from Tony's back, "I give up! You're impossible!"