A/N: Okay once again it is really late so please forgive me for any errors or mistakes, I will fix them when I'm not so tired. I also want to apologize for the loooong wait. I'm sorry, school started and I have also been working on a really big Chicago pd/Chicago Fire fan video, which you can search hiatus hangover on youtube, go to my channel, and Look for a video named "This is war", it's really good i promise, i put blood sweat and tears into it.
Anyways, The song of the chapter is 'Poison,' by Front Porch Step, it's an amazing song, so please listen to it, its one of my favorites. I made this chapter pretty long, so I hope you guys enjoy it and where I take it. Also mad thanks to Brookesdavis again for letting me use her as inspiration/using some of her work in my story. She's amazing so please go read her stuff, she's my favorite. Okay once again, I do not own any of these characters, also sorry for the bad language. ENJOYYYY.
~'The voice that once became the light unto my dark,
Soon became your tool to break my heart.'~
Jay and Kim walk out of the building together. The winter air hits them and Kim pulls her coat tighter around herself. "Do you think it worked?" She asks Jay.
"Yeah," he takes a deep breath as he pulls his beanie over his head. "I think it did."
"Hey," Kim says, elbowing Jay in the arm, "You're a really good friend. Thank you for doing this." She smiles at him as they arrive at her car.
Jay gives her a sad smile in recognition, "Have a good weekend." He says sincerely before stuffing his hands in his pockets and heading towards his own car.
He doesn't want to think about it, about his feelings for Erin, but they seem to consume his mind. As he unlocks his door his eye catches his gym bag in the back seat and he knows exactly where he needs to go to clear his head.
Jay pummels the punching bag for over an hour. Using his fists to release all the pent up emotions he's been fighting with for way too long. He uses it to wipe away the mental pictures of her, especially the ones of her in another man's arms. He uses it until he doesn't feel like climbing into a bottle. He beats up the bag until he can't catch his breath.
He grabs his water bottle and takes a long drink before walking over to the window; the window that looks over the entire city. Night time in Chicago always calms him, and only helps to clear his head. Once his heart rate returns to normal, he decides that his head is clear enough to head home for the night. He doesn't risk going to Molly's because that would only rev him up again and his week has already been tough enough.
He unwraps the tape on his knuckles and shoves his stuff into his bag before heading back out into the bitter Chicago night.
Once Jay gets home, he turns on the Bruins game before heading to his kitchen. He's not hungry enough to eat, but he pulls out the scotch, pours himself a double, and downs it in two gulps. He fills the glass again and wanders into his living room. Jay mindlessly works on his second double scotch and by the time his glass is empty, he feels the toll of the week catching up with him. He's too physically and emotionally exhausted to care about the outcome of the hockey game so he abandons it and heads to his bedroom.
He collapses onto his bed and pulls the comforter over his head before he falls into a deep, blissfully dreamless sleep.
Several hours later he is jolted awake by banging on his door. Not knocks, but frenzied, angry banging. He rolls over onto his side and opens one eye to check the time. When the clock reads 1:41am he lets out a groan before throwing the comforter off of himself and shuffling over to the door. He unlocks the door as he rubs his tired eyes and opens it to find his infuriated partner on the other side.
Jay confusedly looks at her before speaking, "Erin, what-,"
She interrupts him, "You fucked Kim?" She yells and they are both silent as it echoes through the quiet hallway.
"Jesus, Erin!" Jay whisper- yells. He grabs her arm and pulls her into his apartment, closing the door behind them.
"You fucked her. Kim is one of my best friends!" She says, her voice straining to contain her anger. Her eyes are hard and angry. Jay knows the color that her eyes turn when she's truly upset, and it was the stormy grey that he was seeing in her them now. He knew he had to try and defuse the situation before she got too angry.
"Erin, you need to calm down," he says quietly. He sits on the arm of his couch and watches her pace back and forth in front of him.
"Why would you sleep with her?!" She asks angrily before letting out an exasperated sigh. "Can you put some damn clothes on!" She demands and motions towards his boxers.
"You're the one that got me out of bed, so no" Jay looks at her for a moment, studying her features. "Are you drunk?" he asks, almost wanting to be amused.
"Answer the question!" Erin clenches her teeth in anger and her gravelly voice drops to a lower octave.
Jay looks at his wrist, pretending there is a watch there, "Last time I checked, my sex life is none of your business."
Jay watches a look of hurt cross Erin's face before it is replaced with anger.
She takes a deep breath and tries to maintain her composure. "Why Kim, Jay? Why?" She asks desperately.
"Erin," Jay sighs and runs a hand over his face feeling the effects of the scotch that he'd drank on an empty stomach cloud his thought process. "I didn't sleep with her." He says softly. He sees the relief wash over Erin and he takes a deep breath, "Why would I sleep with Kim, when I feel the way I do about you? I never wanted to 'keep it professional' because we're not, we are more than partners and you know it. I never wanted to watch as another man puts his hands on you, because they should be my hands. But you never gave this," He motions between them, " a chance. It breaks my heart every time I have to look at you. Because I'm in love with you. " He regrets the words as they cross his lips.
Erin's mouth hangs open in shock and a incomprehensible noise leaves her throat. Before either of them realizes what is happening, he feels the sting of her hand against his cheek and the echo of the slap rings through his apartment.
Jay grabs his burning cheek, "What the fuck was that for?" he bellows.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She says, her voice becoming shrill. Her lip is snarled and her face screams 'are you fucking kidding me', but Jay looks at her eyes, which had softened considerably.
"I'm sorry. " He mutters because it's the only thing that he can think to say.
"I just…" Erin starts to shake her head, her face still painted with a mix of anger and disbelief, "I just don't understand. Why would you say that? Why now?"
" I don't know." He says in a barely audible tone.
"You get that I'm happy right? Severide makes me happy." she says, clearly annoyed. It wasn't anything he hadn't heard before, but it felt like a punch in the chest. "And I have been through a whole hell of a lot. I deserve to be happy!" Jay's heart clenches under the force of her words.
"I know," He's flustered and not sure what to say to take back the words that had stumbled out of his mouth. "You deserve to be happy." He says softly, "That's all I want."
"So why now?" She asks exasperated. "Where the hell was all of these two months ago? Why would you not tell me until right now?" She desperately wanted an answer.
"I'm an idiot." He mutters, because his idiocy is the only thing filling his brain.
"Yeah, tonight you are being an idiot" She says, poking a finger into his chest. "What the hell am I suppose to do with this?" Jay takes her question rhetorically but as he looks at her he sees that Erin is waiting, urgently wanting an answer. She's looking at him pleading for some sense of direction. She wanted a reason as to why when she uttered the words 'Let's keep it professional', that he not only never told her a thing, but agreed with her.
"I'm sorry, I don't-"Jay says before he is cut off again, feeling timid and ashamed of his confession.
"Kelly is good for me," The words left Erin's mouth and Jay couldn't help but wonder if she was trying to convince him or herself. "He's a man you know, he knows what he wants and he takes it." She pauses and lets the words settle in Jay's head. "He doesn't wear the same black hoodie to work every day. And He doesn't beat up guys on the street for no reason. And he doesn't use sarcasm to hide his feelings. And doesn't infuriate Voight. And he hasn't been accused of murder, ever. "She spits the words at him, like venom, fully aware of their cruelty. She isn't trying to hurt Jay but her brain pulses against her skull, her inner voice screaming for reasons of why Kelly is a better man than Jay.
He feels his fuse shorten with every reason and he finally snaps, "So then why are you here Erin?"
She's taken aback by him shouting at her. She wasn't expecting Jay to push back. She steadies her face as he continues, "Well, Erin? Why are you here?" He asks in his pissed off tone.
"Because!" She nearly screams. Jay watches as she stands there silently, her bottom lip starting to quiver and her eyes blinking back tears. "Because," She says quieter this time and takes a deep breath trying to control her tears, "Because he's not you." Her voice breaks as the words leave her lips.
Jay feels the shock of her words wash over him and tried to steady himself. She was looking at him, desperately waiting for him to speak but he couldn't find any words.
"Because… I don't have to physically turn away when Kelly talks to another girl. Because I don't smell his cologne on my skin when I go to sleep, and feel safe because of it. And a look from him doesn't make my knees weak. And because he doesn't own nice suits." The last reason had Jay suppressing the smile that was tugging at his lips. "Because he's not you, he's not you and I hate that."
The fury was still bubbling inside her. She wanted to punch Jay and scream in his face for making her feel this way. She wanted assurance that she wasn't a horrible person for admitting that she didn't have feelings for her current boyfriend. She wanted forgiveness for what she was about to do.
Erin moves closer to Jay, eliminating the space between them. They are a breath apart and they both stand there silently, waiting for it to happen. Finally, Erin crashes her lips into his. Fireworks explode in her brain, confirming everything that she had just said to Jay; Kelly can't even compare to the feelings she has built up for Jay. His hand travels to the back of her neck, holding her where she is as he deepens the kiss. She runs her hands up his back and into his hair, gripping it like she would fall to her death if she let go.
She whimpers as Jay breaks the kiss. He rests his forehead against hers as they both fight to catch their breath. He moves his hands up to cup her face and uses his thumbs to wipe the tears that Erin didn't even know were falling from her eyes. This time Jay goes in for the kiss, pulling her tight against his body, trying using his lips to communicate the intensity of his feelings for her; feelings he's been pushing down for months and months. Erin welcomes the feel of Jay's lips against hers. She revels in the taste of him; and the fact that fireworks explode inside her when their lips touch.
The heat in the room intensifies dramatically, and Erin's brain hits the breaks, pulling her lips away from Jay's. He is taken aback by the abrupt halt to their pretty mind-blowing kiss.
He watches her confused as her hands run through her hair and a look of tremendous fear crosses her face. "What am I doing?" She says to herself, frantic and distraught.
"I can't do this-"She mutters, the guilty part of her conscious taking over. "I have to go…"
Jay watches in horror as she looks at him with her eyes screaming for him to say something to get her to stay. But he can't recover fast enough and Erin walks out of his door, leaving him standing there baffled, confused, and heartbroken at 2 in the morning.
By Monday morning, Jay is no longer baffled or confused; he's just angry; Angry in a way that if anyone messed with him today, he'd break their fucking knees. He's angry because despite Erin basically telling him that she wanted him too, she still considered him a mistake. She deserves to be happy? Yeah so does he. He's mad because they both know how they feel about each other and how amazing they could be together but Erin won't let her guard down enough to let him in. Despite them being partners, best friends, and almost lovers, she still couldn't let him all the way in.
When Erin walks into the unit, Jay gets up from his desk and heads into the break room. After a sleepless weekend, he needs all the caffeine he can get. He sighs when he hears the door of the break room click closed.
Erin's voice comes out soft, "Jay, can we-"
"Don't." He orders harshly, his back still turned away from her.
"Don't what?" She asks quietly.
Her turns on her, "Don't say it, ok? Don't say that it was a mistake, because I don't want to hear it."
"I-"
"Erin, just don't. I'm done playing these games with you. You know how I feel, if you don't know how you feel you need to leave me the fuck out of it. Because I'm tired of hearing how I'm a mistake and how I'm not fucking good enough for you. I'm done, Erin." He throws the door open hard enough to hit bang against the wall.
Erin stands there trying to fight the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She wanted to speak, she wanted to tell him that she chose him. She wanted to tell him those twenty minutes after she left his apartment she was at Kelly's door, breaking up with him. But she couldn't speak. She couldn't think. She wanted desperately to tell him how she loved him to. But instead she stood there, trying to catch her breath.
They sat at their respective desks. Erin kept trying to get his attention, to hold his glance, but he vehemently avoided her.
About mid-day Voight speaks up, "Listen up, there's been a brutal murder down in Hyde park. Lindsay take Halstead, Ruzek you're with Olinsky. I'm going to run a lead that I have with the Russian mob and I will meet you at the scene.
"Actually," Jay spoke up, "Can I take Ruzek today?" Erin snaps her head up at his request. Voight crosses his arms, squinting his eyes at Jay for a moment. "Sure, whatever. You're all going to the same place anyways." Voight says, throwing on his leather coat and leaving the unit.
Erin sits at her desk hurt, as she watches the bromance that is Halstead and Ruzek whenever they are partnered.
She stands up sliding her gun into her holster and angrily snatches her jacket from the back of her chair. She strides around them and out of the unit, making sure to bump against Jay's shoulder on her way out.
Once they are at the scene, Halstead and Ruzek take the perimeter, and Lindsay and Olinsky are stuck with the body, documenting with pictures and collecting evidence right around the bloody corpse. Erin is bagging a piece of evidence when she catches something from the corner of her eye.
"Halstead!" She yells, nodding her head over to where she's standing, about 8 feet from the body, where the bloody drag marks start. "JAY!" She demands when he doesn't listen.
"What?" He snaps, a little harsher than her meant to.
Erin points and starts walking over to her. She talks softer this time, "Jay, look." She says, her voice shaking slightly with a mixture of worry and fear.
What Jay see's when he gets to Erin stops him cold in his tracks and makes him instantly want to vomit. Things just got a lot more complicated than a broken heart. Jay stares down at sight that almost mirrored a very unpleasant one from his past. Erin looks at him with worry in her eyes.
"Son of a bitch," He murmurs, completely shocked by the sight in front of him.
There on the asphalt written in blood was '51163'; Jay's badge number.
A/N: DuN DUN DUN. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I hope it makes up for the delay. Again sorry for any mistakes. PLEASE COMMENT and let me know if/how you like the story so far?! Please it's like a drug, I needs it. It also will make me update sooner!