As Josh and I walked out of the aquarium, it became obvious that I would have to lose him.
Though, at that moment, I thought it was only temporary.
"I would like to go to this Nightlife thing tonight," I said.
"What? We are supposed to meet everyone for dinner," he said. "I already promised."
"Well, why don't you go by yourself?" I said. "I'm sure your friends won't miss me. They probably want to spend time with you... alone."
"No way," he said. Then he pulled out that word that Americans love — baby.
"They love you, baby," he said. "They're all crazy about you."
"Well, I really want to stay in the city tonight," I said. "So..."
"So, what are you saying?" he said, half-calm, half-condescending.
"I'm not sure," I said. "I mean... I guess I'm saying... I'm not going with you."
"You can't be serious," he said.
"Non," I said. "I'm definitely serious."
"Why are you being like this?" he asked.
"I'm not being like anything," I said. "I think I have been perfectly polite to all of your friends and family, and they have all been lovely, but now I'm going to do what I want."
"And you want to go to this Nightlife thing?" he said. "That's what you really want?"
I nodded my head. I stood with my arms crossed. I would not move. I could not be physically moved from that spot.
But as I watched his face, as I watched him consider his options, when I thought for a moment that he would relent, that he would sigh and say, okay, I'll come with you; that's when I realized that was the very last thing that I wanted.
I imagined passing the entire evening, with him by my side, nagging me. I imagined passing the evening staring at Cosima from a distance. Or worse, trying to have a conversation with her, while he was standing right next to me. I knew I would blush and Josh would see me blush. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to bear it.
Why does Cosima make me blush, but Josh doesn't? Did he ever make me blush?
"Just go, Josh," I said. "Go be with your friends. I'll be fine."
"What am I going to tell them? They'll all be asking for you," he said.
That's when I realized that his hesitation had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his own embarrassment — self-involved to the end.
"I don't know," I said. I could hardly hide the contempt in my voice. "I'm sure you'll think of something."
"Are you mad at me or something?" he said.
I laughed suddenly. "Yeah, I guess I am," I said.
Because you never made me blush!
"I just don't get it," he said. "I opened my house to you. My family was kind to you. My friends were kind to you. I just don't get what you want."
"And that's the problem!" I said. I shouted it. Passers-by were staring.
You can't even conceive that I would want something. I'm just the French girl - another souvenir for you to show off to your snobby friends. Well, guess what, Josh? I'm not an object! I have opinions and desires!
That is what I wish I had said. But instead, I said nothing. Instead, we stood there, staring at each other, the distance between us growing by the second.
"Look," he said. "I don't know why you are making such a big deal about this aquarium, but whatever, I don't even care. I'm gonna go, and you can stay if you want. But I'm just letting you know, that if you don't come with me now..."
"Then what?" I said.
"Then don't come back."
I felt a strange mix of relief and anger when he said that. All at once, I knew that I didn't want to go back to his house, but I was also angry that he had thought of it first.
I wanted to be the one throwing around the ultimatums.
"I don't intend to," I said.
I said it like a child, and maybe I should have felt ashamed, except that it was the truth.
"You've got to be kidding me," he said. "You're serious?"
"Completely serious," I said.
"Fine," he said.
"Fine," I said.
And you're a terrible kisser! And you never made me blush!
And it ended like that, with that one word. He walked away, and I sat on a bench for a very long time, trying to figure out if I was the jerk in this situation.
Eventually, my stomach drove me to my feet. I found a small cafe near the park. As soon as I walked in I could tell it was the perfect place to be moody, that is was the perfect place to contemplate my recent breakup (and possibly my sexual identity) over a cup of coffee and a ham sandwich.
Why didn't Josh ever make me blush? And why haven't I noticed it before? How many people have made me blush? I can't even remember the last one...
I went through the list of men in my recent past, and I was starting to notice a pattern. I always dated handsome men. They were always men that other women drooled over. But I, myself, always thought I wasn't the drooling type. I just thought it was easy. It was easy to get those men that every girl wanted, so that's what I did. It was just something that I was good at.
The waitress approached me. She was wearing a tight, white t-shirt that emphasized her large breasts. She reached for the notepad in her black apron. She didn't look anything like Cosima, but I thought I'd test the waters a little. She was a beautiful woman. If someone was attracted to women, that person would definitely be attracted to her.
"Can I get you anything else today?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. I flashed her my best smile. "Another cup of coffee, please. What do Americans call it? A cup of Joe?"
"No problem," she said. She matched my smile, tooth for tooth. "I'll be right back."
When she returned with a new coffee. She set it on the table in front of me, and she leaned strategically close to my shoulder.
"Here you go," she said. "One cup of American Joe."
"Merci," I said, because I know Americans love to hear it.
Then she placed a small plate on the table. In the center of the plate, there were two small chocolates in little paper wrappers.
"This," she said, "is on the house."
"How wonderful!" I said. "I love chocolate. How did you know?"
"Let's just say I had a feeling," she said. "Let me know if you need anything else."
I am pretty sure that she winked at me before she walked away.
Well, I thought, I guess I'm good at that, too.
Aside from my sense of accomplishment at that moment, I was also taking stock of my body and it's bodily reactions. I was not blushing. My palms weren't sweating. I wasn't inexplicably leaning on things. In fact, I felt nothing for that waitress at all. The little experiment had gotten me nowhere.
Granted, the sample pool was very small, but so far, I was only 50/50 in my attraction to women. But I was one hundred percent sure of my attraction to Cosima.
I looked at my watch. It was only three o'clock. Now that I had a full stomach, I decided to take advantage of my new found freedom. I asked the waitress where I could catch a cable car. She leaned over the counter and wrote out detailed instructions on a napkin, along with her phone number.
"Oh, I'm just visiting," I said.
"Well," she said. "Let me know if you need a guide."
I politely declined, but the truth was, I could have used a guide. I had six hours to kill, and no real plan. I was in San Francisco, U.S.A. and I had just met someone who made me blush.
And despite having just gone through a breakup in a foreign country, I felt great!
I took the closest cable car and rode it around the city. And though I couldn't really tell you where it went, or where I was, I have a very lucid memory of watching the little houses come and go on those hilly streets.
I have a distinct memory of the feeling — the feeling of possibility.
Eventually, I got off and took a stroll. I didn't want to get too far away from the Golden Gate Park because I had an irrational fear that I wouldn't be able to find my way back.
As I walked down the street, I passed a flower shop. Suddenly, as if by someone else's will, I had a strong urge to buy a bouquet of roses. Or perhaps, I would just buy one single rose.
But no, I couldn't. I had never been so romantic before.
As I stood in front of that store, I wondered at the stranger in the reflection. Who was this woman, suddenly romantic, suddenly silly, suddenly charmed over a girl.
As I stood in front of that store, these were the things that I had worked out:
Cosima makes me lean on things.
Cosima makes me want to buy flowers.
Cosima makes me blush.
That's quite a lot for a stranger.
That's quite a lot after one conversation.
But my reflection had no answers for me. She just smiled and shrugged. That's when I noticed that she was still dressed in jeans, and a tank top. Her hair was a mess, and I was sure that she must not smell good. What she needed was a make-over and fast.
I kept walking.
When I saw the dress, I knew it was perfect. I went into the small shop and pointed to the black dress they had in the display window.
"Gotta hot date?" the shop girl asked me. She oh'd and ah'd over me as I checked my reflection in the mirror. She pulled the zipper up my back.
"Actually, yes," I said. "Or, at least, I think so."
"Well, you're gonna knock his socks off in that dress," she said.
"That's the idea, isn't it?" I said. But as I said it, I wondered if it was the idea.
Do I want to knock her socks off?
Do I want to knock any other items of her clothing off?
Would I even know what to do — when her socks were off?
Will she even be wearing socks to begin with?
Regardless of my intentions, I said I would take the dress. I charged it on my card and didn't look back. The only problem was, I didn't have anywhere to take the dress to. I stood out on the sidewalk, with the dress in my hand. It was carefully hung up and wrapped in plastic. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to change, and nowhere to keep the clothes that I was already wearing.
I checked my watch. I was running out of time. I hailed a taxi with my free hand.
"Where to?" the driver asked me.
"Take me to a nice hotel by the Golden Gate Park," I said.
"Any nice hotel by Golden Gate Park?" he said.
"Yes," I said. "The closer, the better."
"Those places aren't cheap," he said.
"That's okay," I said. "I'm on vacation in America!"
I had three hours until I saw her again.
Three hours!
Suddenly and simultaneously, my future was full of possibilities and completely lacking in certainty. Every cell in my body surged with potential energy. I was at the peak of a rollercoaster and looking down. I felt sick to my stomach and completely thrilled.
All of this? I thought. Over one woman?